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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another wedding/exH one

98 replies

BunnyandBee · 19/03/2021 07:57

So with Boris and his roadmap weddings are now back on for a lot of people. this has created a situation that rather selfishly I was grateful to have avoided due to the lockdown restrictions to date.

Basically my exH left me 16 months ago for someone else. His sister is finally able to get married having had to postpone it twice already. She has just messaged me to let me know she will be inviting her brother and his partner (the affair partner), whereas previously the partner wasn't going to be on the invite list (due to numbers etc)

Now I totally get brother trumps ex sil (me) but she has said she would like me to be there still. she may just be being polite rather than retracting the invite...

However this would be the first time I would have to come face to face with the affair partner. I just don't think I can. Not at a wedding.

But am I being ridiculous? Should I be able to do this by now? For context I would only know one other family at the wedding and my ex-in laws who I still have a good relationship with.

To be honest It has thrown me into a total tailspin and has just brought up all the hurt and humiliation I felt when he first left.

I think I know the best thing for me is to politely decline, but then 1% of me wonders if I should just go and try and deal with it (maybe go for the wedding but not stay for the reception). Complicating factors are my small children who will be bridesmaids and will not understand why I am not there!

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
Blessex · 19/03/2021 08:02

Do what is best for you. If you won’t be able to handle it emotionally (and sounds you are still very hurt) then don’t put yourself through it.

courtrai · 19/03/2021 08:04

I'd love to say I'd rock up looking fabulous and hold my head up high, but in reality I'd probably just politely decline being entirely honest with my reason. In my book her brother and his partner unfortunately'trumps' you at one of their family functions- that's just my opinion. I do not ever intend to go to any of my exH's family occasions again, we too have 2 DC

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/03/2021 08:08

Tell your exSIL that you appreciate her thinking of you but that you won't be attending.

If it helps think of a motive she might have to want there: like looking after the girls so their dad can have a good time!

I can't think of anything worse to have to do, so soon after he left! Just over a year and you are supposed to be able to put your married life behind you!?

Wildswimming3 · 19/03/2021 08:09

When is it?

DiamondBright · 19/03/2021 08:11

I wouldn't go, no point putting yourself through it and also making it awkward for everyone else.

FVFrog · 19/03/2021 08:12

Politely decline. Send card and gift wishing well. I have this situation exH has large extended family and three of my child cousins are getting married. ExH also has new partner who now after lockdown will be invited. I cannot have anything to do with his family, it’s too painful and upsetting.

Remona · 19/03/2021 08:12

You're absolutely NOT being ridiculous.

Tell your ex-SIL that whilst you appreciate the invite, you won't be attending. No reasons, no justification, just politely decline.

Original poster
BunnyandBee · 19/03/2021 08:15

Start of July @wildswimming3

And yes, @CuriousaboutSamphire I can imagine becoming childcare then also having to watch exH dancing and enjoying himself. Urgh.

OP posts:
MissPessyMistic · 19/03/2021 08:17

I think like you I’d be inclined to decline, and you’re not being unreasonable. Do you have a +1? If I had a good relationship with the family and could bring a partner or male friend I would be more likely to consider it, mostly as a middle finger to the ex. But if that’s not for you then there’s absolutely no reason you have to go and I’m sure she would understand.

GoddessKali · 19/03/2021 08:18

I was thinking exactly as @CuriousaboutSamphire - so whilst you’ll be busy looking after your children your ex-h and new partner will be there socialising?! Fuck that!
I would not be going and your children are going to have to get used to going to stuff with each parent separately anyway?

Usagi12 · 19/03/2021 08:23

Don't do it, you'll feel awkward and so will they. Tbh ex SIL is probably dreading you all going but her feckless brother hasn't given her much choice I'd imagine. It's nice of her to still invite you she obviously likes you but it's too much. As for your daughter's, let their dad deal with their questions, he broke up the family. I wouldn't go, she'll understand xx

Wildswimming3 · 19/03/2021 08:24

I asked because there was discussion yesterday that some wedding venues will not be allowed to hold weddings before May so that would have been your get out ! I wouldnt go. Weddings on your own are bad enough, let alone with your ex and his new partner. Decline and be totally honest that you would feel uncomfortable.

Dizzy1234 · 19/03/2021 08:26

I would tell your SIL what you said here, that you're not ready and it's bought back all the hurt and humiliation and you're just not able to face it.
I'd also be wary that if you go it will be to provide childcare so your ex can enjoy himself.
Let your ex take your DC if they're still going to be bridesmaids, it's his family, let him facilitate childcare and you can have a day off 💐

Shoxfordian · 19/03/2021 08:27

Tell her you’re not going to be there, there’s no obligation for you to go now he’s your ex and it sounds like it would just be painful. Let him do the childcare, and getting the children ready. Go and do something lovely that weekend with a friend to distract yourself

IJustWantSomeBees · 19/03/2021 08:31

No way would I be going in your position. Your gut instinct is right here, it's not a good idea. You don't want to go, firstly, but secondly, if you did go you would just be doing it to prove something and that would show everyone that he still gets under your skin. Combine that with you saying you would likely end up doing childcare for him? No thanks.

I would assume your ex SIL is just trying to be polite by inviting you and doesn't actually expect you to come. Remember, you owe no obligations to his family anymore, he will always be their priority (obviously).

DuchessofHastings1 · 19/03/2021 08:34

I would bring a Male friend, a escort even, just to save face but OP, its entirely upto you.

I wouldn't show up alone.

MiddleParking · 19/03/2021 08:35

Absolutely fuck going to babysit so your ex can focus his attention on introducing his fancy piece around the extended family.

Cardboardeaux · 19/03/2021 08:36

They want you to babysit your DDs so your ex can have a good time. Nope!

LadyDanburysHat · 19/03/2021 08:38

I wouldn't go. I agree that you are just their to look after your DC. Let ex parent them for the day.

DiamondBright · 19/03/2021 08:39

I've always facilitated DD attending family events, but haven't gone myself.

user1493413286 · 19/03/2021 08:41

No way would I go; if you knew lots of other people and knew you’d have fun with them then I’d consider it but it sounds like it will be incredibly awkward and you’ll just be looking after your kids. Your in laws will be caught between trying not to offend either you or the new partner and I can’t see that you’re going to enjoy it.
I would just tell your children that you’ve got something else to do or have to go to work; my 3 year old would understand that. Have a nice child free day and do something nice.

Ragwort · 19/03/2021 08:48

Absolutely do not go, just send a polite 'no thanks', if you are really close to her you could offer to take her out for lunch as a 'celebration' just for the two of you but even that isn't necessary.

DavidsSchitt · 19/03/2021 08:53

"I would bring a Male friend, a escort even, just to save face but OP, its entirely upto you."

Oh yeah, turn up with an escort Hmm

No, don't do this OP - ridiculous. Just stay away, SIL is probably just being polite.

SPLUGSYMALONE · 19/03/2021 09:02

Feed the kids a handful of Mars bars (joking, but tempting) and send the kids off to the wedding with their Dad with a smile on your face.

Do not make yourself available to pick them up at some point during the day either. Your Ex needs to step up as a parent and manage such days & over night with his kids.

No doubt if he'd spent more time being a decent father to his young kids, he wouldn't have had the time & energy to shag his OW?

Theunamedcat · 19/03/2021 09:10

@SPLUGSYMALONE

Feed the kids a handful of Mars bars (joking, but tempting) and send the kids off to the wedding with their Dad with a smile on your face.

Do not make yourself available to pick them up at some point during the day either. Your Ex needs to step up as a parent and manage such days & over night with his kids.

No doubt if he'd spent more time being a decent father to his young kids, he wouldn't have had the time & energy to shag his OW?

Don't you mean a can of coke and a bunch of blue smarties? (I am joking)

Personally I would politely decline if it comes back they need you to sort the kids be prepared to point out the kids have two parents one who will be attending plus grandparents