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Original poster

Another wedding/exH one

98 replies

BunnyandBee · 19/03/2021 07:57

So with Boris and his roadmap weddings are now back on for a lot of people. this has created a situation that rather selfishly I was grateful to have avoided due to the lockdown restrictions to date.

Basically my exH left me 16 months ago for someone else. His sister is finally able to get married having had to postpone it twice already. She has just messaged me to let me know she will be inviting her brother and his partner (the affair partner), whereas previously the partner wasn't going to be on the invite list (due to numbers etc)

Now I totally get brother trumps ex sil (me) but she has said she would like me to be there still. she may just be being polite rather than retracting the invite...

However this would be the first time I would have to come face to face with the affair partner. I just don't think I can. Not at a wedding.

But am I being ridiculous? Should I be able to do this by now? For context I would only know one other family at the wedding and my ex-in laws who I still have a good relationship with.

To be honest It has thrown me into a total tailspin and has just brought up all the hurt and humiliation I felt when he first left.

I think I know the best thing for me is to politely decline, but then 1% of me wonders if I should just go and try and deal with it (maybe go for the wedding but not stay for the reception). Complicating factors are my small children who will be bridesmaids and will not understand why I am not there!

Please be gentle.

OP posts:

GU24Mum · 19/03/2021 09:12

I wouldn't go as I know I wouldn't be able to pull off the fabulous and unbothered look.

But rather than say that you don't think you would feel comfortable, I'd say that it's a kind offer but you think it would make everyone else feel uncomfortable and you wouldn't want that to affect her day etc etc. And that you'll be thinking of them from the [insert details of something you can say you're doing that day]. That way you are "thoughtful" rather than "upset". Same difference of course!

DavidsSchitt · 19/03/2021 09:12

Definitely don't be available to have the kids handed back to you. He wants to take them then fine, book yourself a night away somewhere.

Theunamedcat · 19/03/2021 09:15

Make sure your busy on that day too even if its catching up with friends on the phone get some self care sorted and don't rush in to rescue them if the kids start playing up or are "tired" its dads job to be the adult

Nicolastuffedone · 19/03/2021 09:18

I’d go to the ceremony simply to see my children in their dresses, but I’d leave after that. They’ll have dad there to look after them...

Laila747 · 19/03/2021 09:25

Sod that. I wouldn’t be going if I were in your shoes OP. Leave your Exh to it and like other pp have said, don’t make yourself available to collect the DC later to facilitate a drunken night of dancing for him and his partner.

I’d like to think, I’d go just to watch his new partner squirm and feel awkward but in reality, if she thought it appropriate to have an affair with a married man then she probably won’t feel in the slightest bit uncomfortable about seeing you anyway!

Easterbunnygettingready · 19/03/2021 09:29

You need to find a bloody amazing plus one to escort you....
Even if you have to hire one!!

aSofaNearYou · 19/03/2021 09:33

It sounds like your SIL already gets there's a chance you won't want to go and why so it shouldn't be awkward to get out of, I would just not go.

nitsandwormsdodger · 19/03/2021 09:37

Personally I'd use it as an opportunity to get my shit together as I'm over weight and need some TLC I'd go on a mega self care regime buy something understated but superb and hire a hunk in a Ferrari to pick me up in front of everyone

Or politely decline and he can handle the kids while I cry into a face pack

Iloveacurry · 19/03/2021 09:37

I would decline if I was you. I think they would want you to sort the kids, etc. Also make arrangements for yourself so you can’t pick up the kids on a moments notice!

ohbigfatno · 19/03/2021 09:40

I think it all comes down to how you feel about the situation you feel at the time. If you've feel that you can walk in badass and head held high then go for it.

But equally if you know you'd feel the slightest bit uncomfortable let your ex parent your girls and book something nice for you- like a spa or girly trip so you can't pick them up!

SunshineCake · 19/03/2021 10:06

You don't go, the dad needs to look after his own kids. Get a sympathetic person to take photos of the children. Not sure how you deal with kids wondering why you aren't there.

Recently we had a family party and person, ex and affair partner all came. Ex and AP exchanged a few words. Apparently all polite at least.

Sssloou · 19/03/2021 10:16

This family are your past not your future.

I am sure your SIL and PIL don’t need any tension or discomfort or distraction so I would relieve them of this.

Another milestone in a chapter in your new life.

Even if they are lovely people I would be detaching and withdrawing to avoid difficult situations in the future.

Boundaries.

Have your DC met the OW?

Zancah · 19/03/2021 10:18

Don't go. Like others have said, you'll just get lumbered with childcare and it won't be fun. People will be watching you to gauge what drama they can eek out of the situation.

Definitely don't make anything too easy for him, he doesn't deserve it. You don't need to be nasty or petty - just don't be too obliging and a mug.

It's only been barely a year, it'll be 18m by the time the wedding comes around. You don't need to be strong or stoic or put on a brave face. If you go, it will be incredibly difficult and you might crumble. I wouldn't give them the show, personally.

Flippyferloppy · 19/03/2021 10:21

Don't go, you'll just be babysitting whilst your ex has fun. He can take responsiblity for his own kids. If they ask why you are not going, you can be honest and say it won't be much fun for you seeing ex with his new GF (in an age-appropriate way, of course). I'm assuming they know (and if they do't they will find out by the time of the wedding)

PlanetPuddle · 19/03/2021 10:23

I'd decline. Your children will need to get used to the idea that there will be times you and exH won't be at the same event and a wedding with all his family seems a good place to start. Your Ex can look after them and there should be no need for you to get involved in anyway.

You can be polite about it to your SIL, just say you will no longer be attending but look forward to seeing the photos.

Sorehandsandfeet · 19/03/2021 10:24

Hell no! Firstly, do your children know AP? Is that something you have an issue with? I would definitely not be going to the wedding as childcare while also showing all their friends or family that he has done no wrong and you are OK with how they treated you. Instead, depending on restrictions, I would plan a fabulous child free few days with friends. SIL knows what happened and should be more sensitive but could be stuck between a rock and hard place.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/03/2021 10:25

Don’t go. Do something lovely for yourself that day (and night). It’s great you get on with your ex in laws but that may yet change and he’s still in the family and you’re his ex. Weddings can be weird, especially post a split. Steer well clear and hope the kids have fun.

All the hilarious suggestions for a male +1 or escort are really sad. OP isn’t less of a woman because she’s single, or that her ex is a twat and if she wanted to go she’d be fine going on her own. Her children will be there in an already confusing situation for them.

timeisnotaline · 19/03/2021 10:35

@GoddessKali

I was thinking exactly as *@CuriousaboutSamphire* - so whilst you’ll be busy looking after your children your ex-h and new partner will be there socialising?! Fuck that! I would not be going and your children are going to have to get used to going to stuff with each parent separately anyway?

Me too. Decline, hope the girls act up because I’m not there and exh spends the whole wedding trying to manage overtired emotional children and ow has a crappy time with a fraction of his attention and knowing half the eyes on her are full of judgement.

Original poster

BunnyandBee · 19/03/2021 10:35

Thanks for all your replies.
To those that asked, yes the kids have met the AP and they all play happy families at the weekends. I have to do a lot of smiling and nodding and I can just about manage that when my DC talk about what they have been doing with them.

I very much think I would be stopping an awful lot of awkwardness by not going.

It feels humiliating to me either way. But I know that I am taking the easier road by not going. I listened to a podcast the other day and the lady said always ask yourself the question 'is this harmful or helpful to me?' it feels very much like it falls in the harmful category even though I know my in-laws would bend over backwards to make sure I was ok...

I know that I probably could turn up and be fabulous, but the next three months and probably a month afterwards I would feel sick and anxious. So there's my answer.

Spa day or maybe even a weekend getaway it will have to be...

OP posts:

StormBaby · 19/03/2021 10:37

I would have to rock up looking absolutely fabulous with a good looking younger man on my arm, but that’s just me. I totally think most people just wouldn’t go

RandomMess · 19/03/2021 10:37

I wouldn't go, Ex can have the DC for a long weekend and you go off and do something distracting and fun.

timeisnotaline · 19/03/2021 10:38

Agree you need to be away for the night. Daddy doesn’t get to hand them off.

Cas112 · 19/03/2021 11:06

I would not be able to go at all! No matter the length of time, its just an experience that you went through that no one would want to re-live! Explain this to his sister, she should understand.

takingmytimeonmyride · 19/03/2021 11:07

No. Don't go. All you'd be doing was worrying and then chasing the kids around or dealing with tired fractious kids. Let him do that hard work while you have a day off doing something you love.

Ariela · 19/03/2021 11:17

Oh gosh do what my friend did at a mutual friend's wedding! Not the sort of wedding either could miss as they'd all gone to college together and the wedding couple were friends with both sides, very good friends despite the rift.
She rented an escort for the night from a fairly upmarket reputable firm, and hired a sports car (it was a top of the range Audi or something just ostentatious enough to be 'monied' but not overly flash like a Lamborghini). Escort looked like Pierce Brosnan, was impeccably well dressed, polite, well mannered etc, he worked as a model mostly for things like wrist watches and posh clothing, and was instructed to just look adoringly at my friend on a regular basis. And he could dance properly. . She went to Selfridges or somewhere like that and got the hat and dress (it was gorgeous and fitted and made her look super slim) . Totally upstaged then ex's new girlfriend.
The 5 of us that were in on the secret were all on the same table with her so we had great fun. Ex looked fuming and wouldn't speak to any of us, and Ex's NG looked sullen and frumpy despite being 15 years younger (we still think she WAS the OW despite being told it started after they split). That relationship didn't last!
However friend and ex had no kids so perhaps not as easy to 'introduce a friend' beforehand to the kids.

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