Page 3 | Another wedding/exH one

BunnyandBee · 2021-03-19T07:57:21+00:00

So with Boris and his roadmap weddings are now back on for a lot of people. this has created a situation that rather selfishly I was grateful to have avoided due to the lockdown restrictions to date. Basically my exH left me 16 months ago for someone else. His sister is finally able to get married having had to postpone it twice already. She has just messaged me to let me know she will be inviting her brother and his partner (the affair partner), whereas previously the partner wasn't going to be on the invite list (due to numbers etc) Now I totally get brother trumps ex sil (me) but she has said she would like me to be there still. she may just be being polite rather than retracting the invite... However this would be the first time I would have to come face to face with the affair partner. I just don't think I can. Not at a wedding. But am I being ridiculous? Should I be able to do this by now? For context I would only know one other family at the wedding and my ex-in laws who I still have a good relationship with. To be honest It has thrown me into a total tailspin and has just brought up all the hurt and humiliation I felt when he first left. I think I know the best thing for me is to politely decline, but then 1% of me wonders if I should just go and try and deal with it (maybe go for the wedding but not stay for the reception). Complicating factors are my small children who will be bridesmaids and will not understand why I am not there! Please be gentle.

Notaroadrunner · 19/03/2021 11:21

No chance I'd go. I'd send the kids off to him the day before and let him organise them, get them dressed etc and let him mind them for the day. Tell them they get to spend a fun day with daddy's family. Surely they are spending time with him since the split so they'll be used to you not being with him. Then go and do something nice for yourself with your free time.

harknesswitch · 19/03/2021 11:22

If a load of people you knew and cared about you were going to be there, and you felt confident enough, I'd say do it.

But as you only know one other person I think I'd decline. I'm sure your sil will understand and the last thing you (or her needs) is an atmosphere at the wedding

SPLUGSYMALONE · 19/03/2021 11:24

Book yourself a weekend getaway definitely.

It's your ex's responsibility to source wedding outfits for your kids, transport them, look after them etc for that full weekend.

Your weekend will be much more relaxing.

PlanetPuddle · 19/03/2021 11:25

I don't think it would be humiliating at all for you today you are going to take advantage of your ex having them to go away for yourself.

Notaroadrunner · 19/03/2021 11:28

@BunnyandBee

Thanks for all your replies. To those that asked, yes the kids have met the AP and they all play happy families at the weekends. I have to do a lot of smiling and nodding and I can just about manage that when my DC talk about what they have been doing with them.

I very much think I would be stopping an awful lot of awkwardness by not going.

It feels humiliating to me either way. But I know that I am taking the easier road by not going. I listened to a podcast the other day and the lady said always ask yourself the question 'is this harmful or helpful to me?' it feels very much like it falls in the harmful category even though I know my in-laws would bend over backwards to make sure I was ok...

I know that I probably could turn up and be fabulous, but the next three months and probably a month afterwards I would feel sick and anxious. So there's my answer.

Spa day or maybe even a weekend getaway it will have to be...

And why wouldn't you take the easier road for yourself? Why would you put yourself through weeks of anxiety in the lead up to it? Why would you make it easier for your Dh by being there to mind the kids? Sod that! You put yourself first. The kids will be fine with all the in laws. Book the weekend away now so that you have that to look forward to. If you have any friends who might be available why not suggest they go with you.

MiddleParking · 19/03/2021 11:30

@Ariela

Oh gosh do what my friend did at a mutual friend's wedding! Not the sort of wedding either could miss as they'd all gone to college together and the wedding couple were friends with both sides, very good friends despite the rift. She rented an escort for the night from a fairly upmarket reputable firm, and hired a sports car (it was a top of the range Audi or something just ostentatious enough to be 'monied' but not overly flash like a Lamborghini). Escort looked like Pierce Brosnan, was impeccably well dressed, polite, well mannered etc, he worked as a model mostly for things like wrist watches and posh clothing, and was instructed to just look adoringly at my friend on a regular basis. And he could dance properly. . She went to Selfridges or somewhere like that and got the hat and dress (it was gorgeous and fitted and made her look super slim) . Totally upstaged then ex's new girlfriend. The 5 of us that were in on the secret were all on the same table with her so we had great fun. Ex looked fuming and wouldn't speak to any of us, and Ex's NG looked sullen and frumpy despite being 15 years younger (we still think she WAS the OW despite being told it started after they split). That relationship didn't last! However friend and ex had no kids so perhaps not as easy to 'introduce a friend' beforehand to the kids.

Yikes

PlanetPuddle · 19/03/2021 11:32

@Ariela

Oh gosh do what my friend did at a mutual friend's wedding! Not the sort of wedding either could miss as they'd all gone to college together and the wedding couple were friends with both sides, very good friends despite the rift. She rented an escort for the night from a fairly upmarket reputable firm, and hired a sports car (it was a top of the range Audi or something just ostentatious enough to be 'monied' but not overly flash like a Lamborghini). Escort looked like Pierce Brosnan, was impeccably well dressed, polite, well mannered etc, he worked as a model mostly for things like wrist watches and posh clothing, and was instructed to just look adoringly at my friend on a regular basis. And he could dance properly. . She went to Selfridges or somewhere like that and got the hat and dress (it was gorgeous and fitted and made her look super slim) . Totally upstaged then ex's new girlfriend. The 5 of us that were in on the secret were all on the same table with her so we had great fun. Ex looked fuming and wouldn't speak to any of us, and Ex's NG looked sullen and frumpy despite being 15 years younger (we still think she WAS the OW despite being told it started after they split). That relationship didn't last! However friend and ex had no kids so perhaps not as easy to 'introduce a friend' beforehand to the kids.

No don't do this. That screams "I'm not over you" to me

mamas12 · 19/03/2021 11:38

Be kind to yourself and your dcs
Don’t go
Send the dcs to ex the day before with all the excitement you can muster for them and be enthusiastic for them by asking for photos in their outfits etc
But look after yourself and don’t go

Saladd0dger · 19/03/2021 11:43

I wouldn’t go to the wedding but I’d dress up and help get DDs ready for the day and have some nice photos taken with them if they are bridesmaids

Bibidy · 19/03/2021 11:44

I wouldn't go tbh.

It's his sister so he and his partner will obviously go. I think everyone would completely understand you not wanting to also attend, and you can explain to your children that as auntie X is daddy's sister he'll be taking them and you'll be doing something else for the day.

WB205020 · 19/03/2021 11:52

I wouldnt go OP. Its hard when people have been in your life for so long and are close or were close but you wont enjoy it. As hard as it is to say he will be there with his new GF, people will be talking and word will get around to the other guests that the brides DB has both his new GF and soon to be Ex-Wife there and people will stare etc.

Im sorry you are in this position. My advise is not to go. it will only make you upset.

Spotsandstars · 19/03/2021 12:21

'Dear sis in law, thank you so much for still wanting to include me in your special day but unfortunately I am now not able to attend. Please don't worry though, the children will still be coming and their father will see to whatever they need on the day. Much love'

dropthedeadhorse · 19/03/2021 12:27

Just reply saying you don’t want anything to make her day awkward so you won’t attend but you are happy to help with bridesmaids dress fittings etc etc and you hope she has a fantastic day.

mumwon · 19/03/2021 12:29

not just chocolate feed dc with baked beans & strong coffee flavoured milk (joking maybe!)
Don't go - say sorry previous engagement & send photos of you with new boyfriend (or escort) on date - online

ScottishStottie · 19/03/2021 12:34

Even if they are willing to bend over to make you feel as comfortable as possible, i dont think its fair to your in laws and the bride and groom to add this level of awkwardness to their big day.

Its going to be easier all round if you dont attend, as if you are there, a lot of people are going to be on tenterhooks in case anything happens (you, your ex, his new partner, your ex in laws, the bride and groom) thats a lot of people to be stressed over a situation that is easily avoided by you not going.

Faith50 · 19/03/2021 12:42

I would decline. There is no need for you to see ow, it could bring up a lot of emotional pain. You do not need to witness your exh's relationship in any shape or form. It will be of no benefit to you.

Take photographs of your dd before they leave and wish them a good day. Organise a nice day for yourself to avoid sitting at home and wallowing.

I am sorry you are in this position.

takethedeviledeggs · 19/03/2021 12:43

@BunnyandBee

Thanks for all your replies. To those that asked, yes the kids have met the AP and they all play happy families at the weekends. I have to do a lot of smiling and nodding and I can just about manage that when my DC talk about what they have been doing with them.

I very much think I would be stopping an awful lot of awkwardness by not going.

It feels humiliating to me either way. But I know that I am taking the easier road by not going. I listened to a podcast the other day and the lady said always ask yourself the question 'is this harmful or helpful to me?' it feels very much like it falls in the harmful category even though I know my in-laws would bend over backwards to make sure I was ok...

I know that I probably could turn up and be fabulous, but the next three months and probably a month afterwards I would feel sick and anxious. So there's my answer.

Spa day or maybe even a weekend getaway it will have to be...

The weekend away is a good idea so the children can't be dropped off back to you so he can party.

I wouldn't go. It would be quite fun if it make the AP feel awkward but in reality it probably wouldn't and it's not fair on the couple really.

Go away and have fun.

Sssloou · 19/03/2021 12:58

To those that asked, yes the kids have met the AP and they all play happy families at the weekends. I have to do a lot of smiling and nodding and I can just about manage that when my DC talk about what they have been doing with them.

You don’t want them playing happy families right under your nose for a whole day - that would just be too painful for you.

100% agree. Make life comfortable and easy for yourself. Don’t expose yourself to harm or hostility. You are vulnerable and have endured enough. Treat yourself with the delicate kindness and compassion that your xH didn’t.

100% agree with not wasting the next 3 months preoccupied and stressed about the lead up to this - get it gone now - send the RSVP today.

giao · 19/03/2021 13:06

Take the easy route, why wouldn't you?

Theunamedcat · 19/03/2021 13:12

@Ariela

Oh gosh do what my friend did at a mutual friend's wedding! Not the sort of wedding either could miss as they'd all gone to college together and the wedding couple were friends with both sides, very good friends despite the rift. She rented an escort for the night from a fairly upmarket reputable firm, and hired a sports car (it was a top of the range Audi or something just ostentatious enough to be 'monied' but not overly flash like a Lamborghini). Escort looked like Pierce Brosnan, was impeccably well dressed, polite, well mannered etc, he worked as a model mostly for things like wrist watches and posh clothing, and was instructed to just look adoringly at my friend on a regular basis. And he could dance properly. . She went to Selfridges or somewhere like that and got the hat and dress (it was gorgeous and fitted and made her look super slim) . Totally upstaged then ex's new girlfriend. The 5 of us that were in on the secret were all on the same table with her so we had great fun. Ex looked fuming and wouldn't speak to any of us, and Ex's NG looked sullen and frumpy despite being 15 years younger (we still think she WAS the OW despite being told it started after they split). That relationship didn't last! However friend and ex had no kids so perhaps not as easy to 'introduce a friend' beforehand to the kids.

If I had no kids I would so do this just for the laugh

Sillysandy · 19/03/2021 13:19

No way. If you don't want to go then you shouldn't feel under any obligation to go.

I suspect I would show up having wasted a load of money and effort looking my most utterly fabulous and leave early-ish. Having said that I have an immature appetite for unnecessary excitement so I wouldn't follow my lead.

Book yourself something really nice to do that day (given you are childfree) and try to put them out of your head. I know it won't be nice explaining to your kids that you won't be there but unfortunately they will have to adjust to that reality.

Orcadianrythyms · 19/03/2021 13:24

Head held high @BunnyandBee and a kind decline. I actually think it's important to keep positive relationships going for your children and it's lovely that your in laws are staying involved but you have moved into a different space so absolutely within your rights to feel it would be awkward. I think it would be miserable and by what's happened he and AP are not worthy of another second of your emotions. I think you sound like a great mum but everyone has their limits

AnotherKrampus · 19/03/2021 13:28

Totally beside the point but I would be a little disappointed even if irrational that your SIL and family invite that person to the wedding. I would not go for that reason too.

nolovelost · 19/03/2021 13:34

If there's a chance that you wouldn't be able to deal with it (regardless of how you get on with the family) then absolutely don't go.

Think of an excuse to tell your kids so they can still go. Or if you think they won't be properly looked after, keep them at home and come up with another excuse. Are they old enough to know they are going to be bridesmaids?

Original poster

BunnyandBee · 19/03/2021 13:36

I feel so sad about it as it feels a bit like I am losing part of my family. I know it's just one day really. But I have an overwhelming sense of loss today and I think it runs deeper than just the exH.
Lots of people say on here to distance yourself from the in-laws, but they have been so lovely and continue to be so, therefore it's really not so easy.

I have no plans to find a date or escort incidentally! But maybe these types of situations would be easier if I had someone else in my life. But that is a discussion for another day as I am most definitely not looking for that right now.

The other thing that I can't shake is the thought of the AP getting the dc ready and doing their hair etc. But again another issue for another day. She treats them well and they seem to like her, so I should be grateful.

God I am awfully wobbly today, which has been entirely caused by this one message from my ex-sil. I was feeling great yesterday before the message! It's just another hurdle I suppose.

OP posts: