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Original poster

Another wedding/exH one

98 replies

BunnyandBee · 19/03/2021 07:57

So with Boris and his roadmap weddings are now back on for a lot of people. this has created a situation that rather selfishly I was grateful to have avoided due to the lockdown restrictions to date.

Basically my exH left me 16 months ago for someone else. His sister is finally able to get married having had to postpone it twice already. She has just messaged me to let me know she will be inviting her brother and his partner (the affair partner), whereas previously the partner wasn't going to be on the invite list (due to numbers etc)

Now I totally get brother trumps ex sil (me) but she has said she would like me to be there still. she may just be being polite rather than retracting the invite...

However this would be the first time I would have to come face to face with the affair partner. I just don't think I can. Not at a wedding.

But am I being ridiculous? Should I be able to do this by now? For context I would only know one other family at the wedding and my ex-in laws who I still have a good relationship with.

To be honest It has thrown me into a total tailspin and has just brought up all the hurt and humiliation I felt when he first left.

I think I know the best thing for me is to politely decline, but then 1% of me wonders if I should just go and try and deal with it (maybe go for the wedding but not stay for the reception). Complicating factors are my small children who will be bridesmaids and will not understand why I am not there!

Please be gentle.

OP posts:

nolovelost · 19/03/2021 13:41

You can continue a good relationshi with them afterwards, it's just one day, and if you really don't want to go, I think you could do with moving on - hard I know.

Could you not get them ready?

ClarkeGriffin · 19/03/2021 13:44

Nope I wouldn't be going. I'd be sending the kids to their dad's the night before so he can have fun putting them to bed while they are all excited, and then getting them ready the next day, looking after them all day and getting zero private time with his ow. Would be funny. Plus it let's the ow realise what she's got herself in for.

AnneElliott · 19/03/2021 13:44

I agree with everyone else op - I'd send the kids off with him, and make sure you go away overnight.

I'm thinking that when you were together would be doing all the donkey work with the kids - esp if it's his sisters wedding? So you can relax knowing that he's going to have to step up and parent.

PlanetPuddle · 19/03/2021 13:45

@BunnyandBee

I feel so sad about it as it feels a bit like I am losing part of my family. I know it's just one day really. But I have an overwhelming sense of loss today and I think it runs deeper than just the exH. Lots of people say on here to distance yourself from the in-laws, but they have been so lovely and continue to be so, therefore it's really not so easy.

I have no plans to find a date or escort incidentally! But maybe these types of situations would be easier if I had someone else in my life. But that is a discussion for another day as I am most definitely not looking for that right now.

The other thing that I can't shake is the thought of the AP getting the dc ready and doing their hair etc. But again another issue for another day. She treats them well and they seem to like her, so I should be grateful.

God I am awfully wobbly today, which has been entirely caused by this one message from my ex-sil. I was feeling great yesterday before the message! It's just another hurdle I suppose.

I totally get this. It is so hard as you see them as your family too. It's a massive adjustment - be kind to yourself.

BrilliantBetty · 19/03/2021 14:31

Oh I'd go, specifically to watch OW squirm.
Knowing that they'd had an affair and broken up a family with kids... how embarrassing for them in front of everyone, you being there as well they'll all be gossiping about it and OW won't come out of it looking good will she. People love to hate an OW.

But, if you'll be worrying about it right up until the day just decline with the real reason. It's understandable/ expected.

Peace43 · 19/03/2021 14:58

You couldn’t pay me enough to go to my ex-SiLs wedding to watch my ex husband dance with his squeeze. Let him take the kids, you go do something more fun (anything, anything at all would be more fun!)

OldEvilOwl · 19/03/2021 15:05

I would bring a Male friend, a escort even, just to save face but OP, its entirely upto you.

Don't be so ridiculous- her kids will be there!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/03/2021 15:06

I agree with @SPLUGSYMALONE if the children are bridesmaids at his family event- he can sort them out!
Book yourself a spa / weekend away with your favourite friend or relative, something truly pampering & as pp's have said drop kids off the day before with him and leave them all to get on with it.
From your tone it all sounds far too raw and IMHO you deserve some me time

Dacquoise · 19/03/2021 15:21

Be kind to yourself and decline the invitation. Why would you want to put yourself through that, brave face or not? Your SIL should realise how painful this is likely to be for you and be gracious about it. Your children's father can sort out your little ones. Perhaps plan a nice treat for yourself, girls night, champagne, nice meal.

Dacquoise · 19/03/2021 15:24

And try not to dwell on what AP may or not be doing. You have absolutely no control over that and will drive yourself mad going down that rabbit hole.

Lochmorlich · 19/03/2021 15:30

I would just go to the ceremony to watch dd’s.
Then go out somewhere nice with friends.

SunshineCake · 19/03/2021 15:32

@mumwon

not just chocolate feed dc with baked beans & strong coffee flavoured milk (joking maybe!) Don't go - say sorry previous engagement & send photos of you with new boyfriend (or escort) on date - online

Don't do this.

People will think she's well over the affair if she has a new man and then expectations come up.

Mumski45 · 19/03/2021 15:41

Sorry but it does sound to me like you are wanted as childcare so that your brother and partner won't need to think about it. I would politely decline and leave them to it.

Dontbeme · 19/03/2021 15:56

@BrilliantBetty

Oh I'd go, specifically to watch OW squirm. Knowing that they'd had an affair and broken up a family with kids... how embarrassing for them in front of everyone, you being there as well they'll all be gossiping about it and OW won't come out of it looking good will she. People love to hate an OW.

But, if you'll be worrying about it right up until the day just decline with the real reason. It's understandable/ expected.

In my experience the other woman rarely squirms, they often think they "won" .My OW showed up at my house to tell me everything that was wrong with me, twice. This was after he dumped her and moved on to someone else 18 months earlier. In my SIL case my fucknut of a brother is now with his OW and she loves to regale us with stories of their cheating and how often they were almost caught. It is almost a fetish with her to be increasingly daring with her stories, I just sit there swallowing down the bile and saying nothing, she would love a reaction.

WhoAreYah · 19/03/2021 15:59

God no you are not being ridiculous.

A different situ but I attended a wedding which was equally as awkward. Ended up having a panic attack and hated the entire day. Regretted going. Do something for yourself and politely decline. Send a lovely card. Offer to meet up and have a drink to toast the happy couple, bring a nice bottle of champers. Don’t go to the wedding. Please.

TurquoiseDragon · 19/03/2021 16:43

@SPLUGSYMALONE

Feed the kids a handful of Mars bars (joking, but tempting) and send the kids off to the wedding with their Dad with a smile on your face.

Do not make yourself available to pick them up at some point during the day either. Your Ex needs to step up as a parent and manage such days & over night with his kids.

No doubt if he'd spent more time being a decent father to his young kids, he wouldn't have had the time & energy to shag his OW?

This.

He can be the childcare, they're his DC after all.

Drinkingallthewine · 19/03/2021 16:51

I was planning a wedding (pre-covid) when BIL had an affair. His wife was part of the family, so not only lost him when it happened but also her family and her future plans.

I extended an invite to her regardless - but she did tell me she would be unlikely to attend, and she knew I was fine with that. She had been really looking forward to the wedding. It was my way of showing her that she's still family to me, regardless of what BIL did to their marriage.

She's since closed her facebook or perhaps temporarily blocked us in case she sees photos I'd say and I'm not taking it personally, I see it as her doing what she needs to do to heal her heart. She'll get in touch when she's ready, and find whatever friendship /relationship she wants to have with me when she does.

So I'd say the same to you - do what heals your heart. Personally I think that would be sending a gift but swerving the wedding, and not being on standby as a babysitter - go book something nice and something that will be a distraction and also prevents you from being called to pick up the kids at bedtime. If your in laws have any sense, they'll understand why you declined the invitation.

Livelovebehappy · 19/03/2021 17:00

I would decline. It would be far too stressful for you. And tbh, your ex sil would absolutely understand why. If you would like to maintain a relationship with her, why not offer instead to go out for a meal with her prior to the big day?

BusyLizzie61 · 19/03/2021 17:00

@BunnyandBee

God I am awfully wobbly today, which has been entirely caused by this one message from my ex-sil. I was feeling great yesterday before the message! It's just another hurdle I suppose.

Stte, I was in this scenario, many years ago minus the children.

My suggestion would be you get the children ready, taken them to the venue, see the wedding ceremony and bask in the glory of your children's roles and the fact that you can hold your head high, whilst all guests will be wondering how he, your husband, and her, have the gall to flaunt his infidelity on this manner!
Take photos of your children, enjoy their moments, then leave after the ceremony, leaving him to run around after your children!

NotaCoolMum · 19/03/2021 17:04

@courtrai

I'd love to say I'd rock up looking fabulous and hold my head up high, but in reality I'd probably just politely decline being entirely honest with my reason. In my book her brother and his partner unfortunately'trumps' you at one of their family functions- that's just my opinion. I do not ever intend to go to any of my exH's family occasions again, we too have 2 DC

This 100%

TurquoiseDragon · 19/03/2021 19:28

OP, whether you go to the ceremony or not, to see your girls as flower girls, I'd leave after the ceremony and leave all the running around to your ex and his partner.

And, make sure you have something booked so that you are NOT available to collect the girls in the evening. Your ex needs to understand the reality of a split, and that you are not now his childcare on tap.

marriednotdead · 19/03/2021 19:50

Do whatever you feel best for you, nothing else is important. If you know your DCs will be happy enough without you there then let others take care of them. If you don't go you'll have photos and more importantly your DCs will have a happy mum.

Many years ago when I was in my early 30s, I was in a LTR/engaged and our DS was a toddler. He cheated with a younger woman, I slung him out and was in pieces. Six weeks later I got a babysitter and attended the wedding of mutual friends. He was there with her.
I'd lost almost a stone with the stress but I faked not giving a shit and I know I looked fabulous. Spent the night at a table with friends who were giving them death stares while they boosted me up.
It was hard but I can laugh about it now. They're still together and married, have a couple of kids, she's always been good to my DS. Not sure if he's always been faithful though

correctprocedure · 19/03/2021 20:05

Please don't go - just don't put yourself through such an awful ordeal. Let your ex manage the children at the wedding and do something wonderful instead whether it's a spa day, a mini break, buying some gorgeous new clothes or getting your hair done or lunch with a friend - make it the best day you could possibly have and spoil yourself in every way.

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