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Original poster

Wedding a month away should I still get married

77 replies

Charlotte271993 · 18/03/2021 13:12

Why am I so scared to get married? I'm scared that I'm making the wrong choice? Maybe it's just my own insecurities, I've never really had any close friends that have stayed with me and it eats me up. My cousin felt sorry for me before and tried to include in her friendship group and they were so nice but I still felt like an outsider and not a true friend, just their friend's cousin tbh. Like now I'm on annual leave, I don't have anyone else to talk to apart from my future husband and sister in law. The reason why I decided to marry him is because his family is so lovely, he is the most caring person I have never met, truthfully, he's the only person that has ever known me inside out, for my mental health issues and past trauma. I've been with guys in the past who have never really understood me mentally and my history of depression. I've been on antidepressants which changed my life but I haven't been on them for almost a year as I didn't want to rely on them anymore, prior to the medication a few years ago i was suicidal. I know all of his trauma inside out. He is my best friend, he's not the tallest guy or best looking but his other qualities are too good to overlook. I love the way he looks at me, i love how loved he makes me feel. I love that he's taken his time with me and made sacrifices for me. He's got a good job and is so ambitious and plans ahead financially. Whenever I'm down, I go to see him and he makes me happy again. So why am I still worried? Maybe its because he's also so introverted and doesn't feel like he needs friends, doesn't really feel the need to go to parties etc , maybe I'm scared our social life will just be us but even if I was with an outgoing guy I couldn't really expect his friends to be mine..i think it's my own securities. I'm due to get married very soon, can I have some opinions on this.. Its eating me up inside.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlotte271993 · 18/03/2021 13:15

He's only not big on things like valentines day or birthdays but if I express my feelings then he does try. This valentines day he got me a card a flower (and an air fryer LOL - he said he wanted to get me something I'd make use out of?)

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 18/03/2021 13:16

You seem to be mixing up your worries about your own social skills with your worries about his...when really they're two separate problems.

I would look at getting some counselling...you're not alone in your struggle to make friends. It can be overcome.x

Only you can decide if you get married but it does sound like you're complicating it by focusing on your social issues.

FortunesFave · 18/03/2021 13:17

My husband got me a vegetable steamer and a cheese board and some socks for our first Christmas... :D some men need a bit of help. I now let him know which shops I like or which jewelry makers and he picks something.

Original poster
Charlotte271993 · 18/03/2021 13:20

I think my mind is thinking what if I had a relationship with someone outgoing? But I don't think that's a good way to think because my ex was more outgoing but I didn't particularly like his friends or his colleagues when he invited me out one time. I suppose I'm worried because we'll rely on eachother way too much? I've read that it isn't healthy to spend too much time with someone and isn't good for a marriage

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlotte271993 · 18/03/2021 13:22

I guess this is a problem with many men and you just have to give them hints as to what you want. I'm glad I've made a forum and I don't really have anyone to discuss this with.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 18/03/2021 13:24

You sound like you like him. And I'd love an air fryer :) But it's worth listening to your gut feeling, too. Perhaps you could put off the wedding "because of Covid" - even though things are getting better it may still be hard to organise, or people might feel unhappy travelling. And then use the time to get yourself some therapy?

Even after you're married, you can still work on your social skills, make new friends outside the home, etc.

ravenmum · 18/03/2021 13:27

(My ex was ostensibly more sociable than me but actually I found it held me back, as he would always speak first and I never got a word in.)

ravenmum · 18/03/2021 13:29

I've been on antidepressants which changed my life but I haven't been on them for almost a year as I didn't want to rely on them anymore
This has been a tough year to stop medication. Did you come off of it with medical support?

Normandy144 · 18/03/2021 13:30

Your description of your fiance sounds great, he sounds like a great and thoughtful partner. If you're both introverted I think that's better than one introvert and one extrovert who want different things. I know some people say it's not healthy to spend too much time together but I'd say the opposite, you can risk drifting apart of you don't invest time. From the brief description you have given you seem well suited.

Original poster
Charlotte271993 · 18/03/2021 13:32

To be honest, I decided to get married during covid as I didn't want the pressure to have a hen or such pre celebrations. The thought of only having 15 guests was perfect for me as I wouldn't have pressure or toxic family members there. Only those who are near and dear to me and actually give a crap about me lol. Plus my mum isn't in great health so wanted to get married now.

Also I have made a lot of effort to make friends but I always drift apart from them like if I move jobs or they move jobs then we just don't keep in contact. Initially I make effort but when it's not reciprocated, I don't bother.. I don't have school friends or uni friends as I had a lot of mental issues but when I got over them I genuinely tried to make friends.

OP posts:
123344user · 18/03/2021 13:33

Are you wondering whether you've got more development as a person to come?

How old are you? How old is he? How long have you known each other? What was your family like, growing up?

I can see that you might well think, well, what if I do learn how to make friends and be social, but he doesn't?

That's not an unreasonable question, if that's what you're thinking.

People do learn social skills as adults. It's not all that unusual for someone to be brought up in a family where the parents don't have friends, but then, as they leave home, go to work, observe how other people live etc, they get the hang of making friends & so on, their lives open up and it's as if someone shortsighted has been given glasses for the first time.

I've seen something similar with a couple who both had weight struggles. The woman took up exercise, lost weight, and the husband... Didn't. I believe they are still friends but her view of him changed and they didn't stay married.

So if this is ringing bells then think carefully. You both might end up developing in the same way of course and stay happily in step all your lives.

Original poster
Charlotte271993 · 18/03/2021 13:35

@ravenmum

I've been on antidepressants which changed my life but I haven't been on them for almost a year as I didn't want to rely on them anymore This has been a tough year to stop medication. Did you come off of it with medical support?
I'm new to mumsnet but have been lurking a while, just realised I should use this quote thing when replying.

I'll be honest with you, I didn't have any medical support. I work for the NHS and think the mental health system isn't great and I know I wouldn't get priority as I'm not a danger to myself, In the past, I went to the GP to get my drugs and go tbh I went cold turkey but its been almost a year now so it's definitely out of my system.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 18/03/2021 13:37

One person can't be everything to everyone.

He seems lovely. But it isn't a partners job to complete you or complete your life.

The reason you are marrying him...if it really is just wanting yo feel a part of his family...its not a good enough reason. You marry someone because you love them.

We've heard a lot about what he has done for you. But what do you bring to his life? I dont mean this in a 'why should he love you' way, I just mean that partnerships...love...it should be equal and mutual. And it doesnt sound like you are marrying him because you love him. It sounds like you are marrying him because he loves you. And you love how him loving you makes you feel about yourself.

That isn't enough. And fundamentally, YOU have to love you. Otherwise he is just a plaster for your emotional wounds. And he deserves better than that.

I think you need to think long and hard about whether or not you love him - in the way that you should.

Original poster
Charlotte271993 · 18/03/2021 13:38

@Normandy144

Your description of your fiance sounds great, he sounds like a great and thoughtful partner. If you're both introverted I think that's better than one introvert and one extrovert who want different things. I know some people say it's not healthy to spend too much time together but I'd say the opposite, you can risk drifting apart of you don't invest time. From the brief description you have given you seem well suited.
I'm quite extraverted at heart, but because I don't really have friends, I don't have the chance to display this so it makes me introverted. We are well suited in all the other ways, it's reassuring that you said we are well suited and it can be worse I.e not spending enough time together
OP posts:
ravenmum · 18/03/2021 13:39

I'm a bit similar - used to be extremely socially anxious and am now much better, but still give up very easily for fear that people are not interested. Over the years I've decided to accept that this is how I am - and instead of trying to get into friendship groups or make best friends, now I tend to do things in organised groups instead - e.g. hiking, choir, or I'm in a running group. It's more superficial acquaintances rather than friendships, but it means I do get out and meet up with people - just without the pressure of having to invite or be invited, as there are regular group meetings.

BIWI · 18/03/2021 13:41

There are lots of things you say you love about him, but do you love him? That's noticeably absent in your posts.

If you don't, then I think you would be very unfair on him to marry him.

category12 · 18/03/2021 13:41

As pp said, the two things - your lack of social circle and your potential marriage are separate issues really. You don't need to be joined at the hip to your partner and it's unfair and smothering to expect them to fill all the gaps in your life.

A more extrovert partner with a great family whose friends and relatives all embrace you is a nice scenario, but it's kind of because you're afraid (of putting yourself out there, of rejection, of change?) So you want it ready made and dropped in your lap.

Whether it's lack of self confidence or self esteem or whatever, the best thing you can do for yourself is to work on yourself and build your own social circle. Because life is uncertain and you need to be whole yourself, not expect someone else to plug the holes.

Whether you should marry your fiancé, really depends on whether you love him, just as he is.

ravenmum · 18/03/2021 13:43

OK, if the anti-depressants are out of your system then it's unlikely to be the cold turkey part making you feel anxious. But could it be the return of your previous symptoms? I was on ADs for a while myself and would have happily stayed on them forever if necessary - nothing shameful about it.

Original poster
Charlotte271993 · 18/03/2021 13:44

@Wanderlusto

One person can't be everything to everyone.

He seems lovely. But it isn't a partners job to complete you or complete your life.

The reason you are marrying him...if it really is just wanting yo feel a part of his family...its not a good enough reason. You marry someone because you love them.

We've heard a lot about what he has done for you. But what do you bring to his life? I dont mean this in a 'why should he love you' way, I just mean that partnerships...love...it should be equal and mutual. And it doesnt sound like you are marrying him because you love him. It sounds like you are marrying him because he loves you. And you love how him loving you makes you feel about yourself.

That isn't enough. And fundamentally, YOU have to love you. Otherwise he is just a plaster for your emotional wounds. And he deserves better than that.

I think you need to think long and hard about whether or not you love him - in the way that you should.

I do agree with what your saying. I think it's the way he makes me feel and the way he loves me like noone else has before. Hmmm what do I bring to his life? He's also suffered mental trauma in the past at similar times to me so we understand eachother. He can be himself around me and he knows I will always be there for him. We have similar plans in life, when to have children and what we want from the future. I have spoken to him since 2014 which is 7 years and been together with him for 3 years. I don't know what the definition of love is as it changes, first there's the honeymoon stage then the comfortable stage so that's where I think I am. There's this thing in Buddhism that explains it: "Love according to Buddhism is much different than love according to the Western world. In Buddhism, it's a pure feeling that you give unselfishly to another living being. It comes with a total feeling of comfort, knowing that you haven't caused pain or suffering to anyone. Instead, you've helped bring them joy."
OP posts:
DaphneBridgerton · 18/03/2021 13:48

What really stood out to me is the first thing you mentioned about why you are marrying him was his family... and then you mention his good traits after that... seems odd to me.

Honestly... it's hard to tell whether this is just you over-thinking absolutely everything, or whether there are genuine concerns holding you back from getting married.

I'd advise speaking to a professional.

None of our partners/husbands are perfect. And expecting him to complete you is a recipe for disaster.

Original poster
Charlotte271993 · 18/03/2021 13:48

@123344user

Are you wondering whether you've got more development as a person to come?

How old are you? How old is he? How long have you known each other? What was your family like, growing up?

I can see that you might well think, well, what if I do learn how to make friends and be social, but he doesn't?

That's not an unreasonable question, if that's what you're thinking.

People do learn social skills as adults. It's not all that unusual for someone to be brought up in a family where the parents don't have friends, but then, as they leave home, go to work, observe how other people live etc, they get the hang of making friends & so on, their lives open up and it's as if someone shortsighted has been given glasses for the first time.

I've seen something similar with a couple who both had weight struggles. The woman took up exercise, lost weight, and the husband... Didn't. I believe they are still friends but her view of him changed and they didn't stay married.

So if this is ringing bells then think carefully. You both might end up developing in the same way of course and stay happily in step all your lives.

I am 26 and he is 27. Known him since 2014. I'm an only child with an unwell mother and alcoholic father, they are in a loveless marriage.

That is true maybe im scared that we're not on the same page when it comes to what we want out of our social life and might develop separately

OP posts:
ravenmum · 18/03/2021 13:48

When he asked you to marry him (or when you did, and he said "yes"), were you delighted? Was it something you'd been hoping for?

Imagine it is ten years in the future. Unfortunately, things didn't work out, and you have broken up. What were the reasons?

Original poster
Charlotte271993 · 18/03/2021 13:50

@ravenmum

I'm a bit similar - used to be extremely socially anxious and am now much better, but still give up very easily for fear that people are not interested. Over the years I've decided to accept that this is how I am - and instead of trying to get into friendship groups or make best friends, now I tend to do things in organised groups instead - e.g. hiking, choir, or I'm in a running group. It's more superficial acquaintances rather than friendships, but it means I do get out and meet up with people - just without the pressure of having to invite or be invited, as there are regular group meetings.
That's such a good idea! Can I ask, how did you find these groups?
OP posts:
FlyNow · 18/03/2021 13:52

Your relationship sounds really good. I consider myself to have a happy marriage to a good man and my DH isn't half as good as how you describe your dp.

Its normal to have cold feet when making any decision. When it comes to marriage, a partner may be great but of course impending marriage makes you think about their flaws, because you now will have that particular annoyance for the rest of your life.

Dont marry him on my behalf though, if you genuinely changed your mind.

ravenmum · 18/03/2021 13:52

A coupleof groups have been run by the local adult education centre, but the running group was from an ad on ebay. When things open up again you could give parkrun a try, too.