Wedding a month away should I still get married

[Charlotte271993]

Why am I so scared to get married? I'm scared that I'm making the wrong choice? Maybe it's just my own insecurities, I've never really had any close friends that have stayed with me and it eats me up. My cousin felt sorry for me before and tried to include in her friendship group and they were so nice but I still felt like an outsider and not a true friend, just their friend's cousin tbh. Like now I'm on annual leave, I don't have anyone else to talk to apart from my future husband and sister in law. The reason why I decided to marry him is because his family is so lovely, he is the most caring person I have never met, truthfully, he's the only person that has ever known me inside out, for my mental health issues and past trauma. I've been with guys in the past who have never really understood me mentally and my history of depression. I've been on antidepressants which changed my life but I haven't been on them for almost a year as I didn't want to rely on them anymore, prior to the medication a few years ago i was suicidal. I know all of his trauma inside out. He is my best friend, he's not the tallest guy or best looking but his other qualities are too good to overlook. I love the way he looks at me, i love how loved he makes me feel. I love that he's taken his time with me and made sacrifices for me. He's got a good job and is so ambitious and plans ahead financially. Whenever I'm down, I go to see him and he makes me happy again. So why am I still worried? Maybe its because he's also so introverted and doesn't feel like he needs friends, doesn't really feel the need to go to parties etc , maybe I'm scared our social life will just be us but even if I was with an outgoing guy I couldn't really expect his friends to be mine..i think it's my own securities. I'm due to get married very soon, can I have some opinions on this.. Its eating me up inside.

I’m the same with friendships. It’s too difficult to find the right people. Group activities are the way forward. It helps me feel like I belong with zero pressure.

I think your very much in love OP and this is a healthy relationship. Sounds like you may have anxiety therefore your brain is looking for something to worry about.

You should explain about the social life aspect an see how your partner feels about that, if he is happy how he is leave him be. If you want more then join some groups/clubs based around your interests (when covid permits), I am sure you will make plenty of friends.

You seemed to have missed out on the usual teen/Uni stage of socialising and you want to do that but fear he might hold you back.

Does he support you if you want to socialise? Hard to judge the last year though!
You could also be self sabotaging or having an instinct. At 26 you do have lots if time. Could you postpone the wedding now?

This sounds like you are just getting a lot of cold feet. Most people do before a wedding no matter how amazing the partner. You hilight the flaws because you are closing the door to other options and wonder if there might be better out there. But no one is perfect.
As has been said joining groups associated with your interests will help make friends. Covid hasn't helped because making connections in person is way easier than over zoom. So many groups will currently have an online presence or nothing but it will come back eventually. We all need some elements of real human contact...
If you try just using an internet search to say [my interest] [my town] you will get results to email. Or join a local town or village page on FB to see what others are offering...
Marriage isn't the end of the road for that sort of thing, just a turning point on to the dual carriageway. Good luck...

Just don’t get married?

You are 26. It’s pretty young to be committing to someone else. I’d focus on this things that make you happy. If your fiancé can’t get his head around that then he probably isn’t the one.

That is such a shame that you made him drop his friends, and you are right, maybe there is a dynamic where he feels like there is only you and does not know how to meet new friends either? Have you spoken to him about how you can both extend your social circle? Has he tried to build bridges with his friends? If it was only three years ago (maybe I misunderstand), this could be possible.
He does sound a lovely person, but you are both very young. If you do want to be with him, I would be looking to see if you can both heal some of the damage which losing his friends has done. It is like you wanted him all for yourself because you were so insecure, and now you are complaining or worried that he has no friends.
I also think maybe hold off on the wedding until you have sorted this issue out and feel happy about the social aspects of your lives (individually and as a couple). You can still have a small wedding post-covid.

You need counselling

@QforCucumber

You don't seem sure about the relationship at all never mind the marriage.

DH and I are both quite extroverted, we have very separate social lives though - I don't rely on him to create mine for me and I think you relying on a partner to make one for you is a big mistake, if you separate then he takes that life and all of his friends with him.

Love - DH and I have been together 10 years, I can't imagine my life without him in it - him personally, not just a partner figure.
We have spent more time together this last 12 months than ever before and my feelings for him have not changed, I'm happy to get home together after work, he's the first person I want to tell about things which happen.....I also complain about him a lot and he's a complete nuisance.

You're right I need to create one by myself, this sort of thinking is unhealthy. Made me smile hearing about you and your partner.

@123344user

It sounds as though you two should just postpone the wedding for a few years.

Go to parkrun, join the Ramblers, google "local choir/pub quiz/theatre group/conservation group/rotarians". Talk to your colleagues about their lives.
Get a better feel for what happy people and happy families look and act like. Sort your heads out a bit.

At 26, your brain has really only just finished all the adolescent-to-adult changes, and IME it's normal to continue sorting your head out for a few more years after that.

It's just I was walking with a friend this week and she had had a couple of serious relationships in her 20s and they were, she said great men, but not quite for her; she changed her town and job and met her current husband in her early 30s when she started a new hobby.

Your chap sounds a sweetie and the fact that you are comfortable with each other is good. But the thing with his friends suggests you both might have a bit more growing up - in a neutral way - to do before you're really ready to get married.

Postponing the wedding will be difficult because I'm from a very traditional family. i.e. I'm not even allowed to go on holiday with him or stay overnight somewhere with him unless I sneakily make an excuse. Was easier when I worked away but now I'm living with my parents and just want to start my life and be able to do those things with a stress free wedding.

Many thanks for those suggestions and taking the time to reply. You are right that I need some growing to do and the responses I'm getting are motivating myself to do so, I felt so much better after posting.

@Echobelly

Depression can make one self-sabotage sometimes, but on one level it sounds like you're in part going for marriage now because you have an excuse to avoid certain dramas by having a good excuse to have a small wedding.

It does sound like a good relationship, but also like maybe you should work more on yourself and improving your confidence before you commit to marrying, because you are still young and have plently of time. You can still have a small wedding after COVID - it is your wedding, and you are entitled to say a large gathering makes you anxious and uncomfortable and it is about you and your partner

Yeah it definitely has a part to play. If it wasn't for COVID, I wouldn't have considered a wedding yet but I thought wow, I can have the wedding of dreams, small and stress-free. I'm from a traditional family which is fairly large so a wedding like this in non-covid times would be hard and would cause a lot of drama that would never be forgotten.

Depression does make me self-sabotage sometimes for sure. Believe it or not, i've done less self-sabotage with my partner as he doesn't react back when I do this, which is good.. He's mature beyond his years to be honest.

@Craftycorvid

You both sound like kind and lovely people, that’s clear; whether you have a long-term future together is less clear - and I think it’s because it sounds like you are still in the process of deciding who you are. Relationships can become things that define us for good or ill and you seem to have doubts about whether your drive to be more sociable might collide with his lack of need for friends. You also sound as though you want someone more demonstrative. There is a risk that any unmet needs might fester over time and I wonder if this is why you are questioning the wedding now? Delaying a bit is much better than feeling you ‘have’ to marry the first decent nice chap to be in your life. You met him at 19, that’s very young. If you can afford private counselling, I’d recommend it with a therapist who specialises in trauma. It’s worth investing in yourself before deciding on a lifelong commitment, in fact I’d say it’s essential.

@craftycorvid

Thank you for your reply.

I'm definitely in the process of still figuring myself out. To be honest, although I met him at 19, I wasn't dating him and we were just friends who would vent to eachother occasionally about our lives. I was in a serious relationship prior to him and I ended it because I didn't want to marry him, he didn't have much ambition in life or any potential for career progression. (I was 21-22 and he was 5 years older) then after a year it ended. Then I met my current partner, he ticked all the boxes with time and I thought he would make a good husband so I stuck by. I do love him, with my previous partner sometimes we'd run out of things to talk about, but never with my current partner.

I will look into private counselling, have you ever had any experience of this?

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

I’m a massive introvert and DP is an extravert. TBH I’d rather be with someone who was happy just me and them. He always needs his kids, his brothers, etc around and sometimes I prefer to just be by myself but he can’t be on his own, always has to get someone round to be with him! He’s not a party animal so at least I don’t have to deal with that, but my dream would be to have found someone like my mum and dad. They worked together and spent all their free time together and just seemed like they belonged.

You say your fiancé “isn’t the tallest” like that shit is important. Do you find him sexually attractive? If so and he’s as lovely as you say, you’ve hit the jackpot so don’t worry what anyone else might think of him or whether some loud mouthed chatterbox might be more fun, it would just be annoying

Totally normal to have the wobbles before a big life changing event but he sounds lovely and you’re very lucky to have him. (As he is too with you I’m sure!)

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Seems like the grass is greener on the other side I suppose. You would prefer someone more intravert, and me, more extravert. I guess the best way is in the middle. Also, hearing about your parents was so lovely to read and sweet.

Tbh, I was previously into tall guys before him. However, as I got to know him more, I fell for him and was able to forget about his height. (It did take a while initially) like I'd never be able to wear heels (I'm only 5ft4) I do find him sexually attractive, he has a handsome face and I think just his qualities add to the attraction. Your comment about a loud chatterbox made me laugh!

Thanks for the reassurance :)

@Ganasha

I’m the same with friendships. It’s too difficult to find the right people. Group activities are the way forward. It helps me feel like I belong with zero pressure.

@Ganasha

Thank you, will certainly look at this after covid! What kind of group activities are you into?

I’ve had a lot of therapy, and I’m a therapist myself. If you look at Counselling Directory, BACP or UKCP websites, all will give you lists of appropriately qualified people. It’s then a case of looking at a few people’s profiles and getting in touch with ones who look promising. Quite a lot of therapists will offer you a reduced cost or free initial session so you can decide if they are a good fit for you/you feel comfortable talking to them.

OP, sounds like you want to improve your social life and you put your hope on your HTB. You love him and you want more from him.

Personally I think you should work on your social skills yourself other than hoping a outgoing husband will change you.

or do you really need to change your social life, are you just want to be more outgoing because that's what you think the norm is, not what you want. at the end of the day, do what you want in life, not for others, definitely to scarify your happiness for.

Your HTB sounds like a perfect man for you from what I am hearing.
Good luck with your wedding!

@Cas112

I think your very much in love OP and this is a healthy relationship. Sounds like you may have anxiety therefore your brain is looking for something to worry about.

You should explain about the social life aspect an see how your partner feels about that, if he is happy how he is leave him be. If you want more then join some groups/clubs based around your interests (when covid permits), I am sure you will make plenty of friends.

@Cas112

Thank you, I do have general anxiety sometimes where I worry a lot. Especially about the future, but do you think this is normal before a wedding?

Tbh, I went to costco and tesco with him yesterday and I had such a good time with hin that I didn't mention anything. A few weeks ago, I did briefly mention it and he said that we wouldn't just be by ourselves, we would do things with his sister as we get along and other family members.. Thank you, I am going to look at groups and clubs.

Sounds like you're with him because you can't think of a reason not to be, despite trying really hard to come up with something.

It doesn't sound a healthy basis for a relationship to me. You seem to feel you should be with him, rather than organically feeling drawn to him. This stuff about what a particular 'stage' of love is called and is meant to feel like... it's not something you question, if you're feeling it. Like being hungry; you don't analyse the tummy rumbles and the lightheadedness, and measure how much time has passed since you last ate to work out if you're hungry or not. You just know you're hungry.

Love isn't a checklist, and if you feel like it is, I'd say it's not love, but something you think ought to be love.

@Fireflygal

You seemed to have missed out on the usual teen/Uni stage of socialising and you want to do that but fear he might hold you back.

Does he support you if you want to socialise? Hard to judge the last year though!
You could also be self sabotaging or having an instinct. At 26 you do have lots if time. Could you postpone the wedding now?

Yes, I definitely missed out big time on the usual uni stage due to mental issues. Like, I want to go out clubbing for eg. He's not much of a dancer and doesn't like that environment though. I went to a family members hen abroad a year and a half ago, literally went clubbing everyday and I loved it, let out a lot of steam lol.

I think he would support me like if I want to join groups and stuff. Postponing the wedding is so hard, would upset my parents and his family especially only a few weeks from the wedding when everything is planned. Ah, I should have really thought about this last year when I was like yo let's get married, best time to do it. I'm hoping things will be okay and work out

@Otter71

This sounds like you are just getting a lot of cold feet. Most people do before a wedding no matter how amazing the partner. You hilight the flaws because you are closing the door to other options and wonder if there might be better out there. But no one is perfect. As has been said joining groups associated with your interests will help make friends. Covid hasn't helped because making connections in person is way easier than over zoom. So many groups will currently have an online presence or nothing but it will come back eventually. We all need some elements of real human contact... If you try just using an internet search to say [my interest] [my town] you will get results to email. Or join a local town or village page on FB to see what others are offering... Marriage isn't the end of the road for that sort of thing, just a turning point on to the dual carriageway. Good luck...

@Otter71

I think it is cold feet.. I was in a serious relationship prior to him who was 5 years older than me. He was very eager to get married and I had to leave him as I didn't think we were that compatible and I ended it. I wanted to stay friends but he'd ask me if I wanted to get back together and I said no. It was very hard and I really cried a lot (I was only 22 at the time though). I think, in my heart if i did think we were incompatible maybe I would have really ended it..

Yeah I'm so sick of dead conversations on whatsapp and definitely don't want to do any zoom calls. Thank you I will take your suggestions about finding groups.

@KatySun

That is such a shame that you made him drop his friends, and you are right, maybe there is a dynamic where he feels like there is only you and does not know how to meet new friends either? Have you spoken to him about how you can both extend your social circle? Has he tried to build bridges with his friends? If it was only three years ago (maybe I misunderstand), this could be possible. He does sound a lovely person, but you are both very young. If you do want to be with him, I would be looking to see if you can both heal some of the damage which losing his friends has done. It is like you wanted him all for yourself because you were so insecure, and now you are complaining or worried that he has no friends. I also think maybe hold off on the wedding until you have sorted this issue out and feel happy about the social aspects of your lives (individually and as a couple). You can still have a small wedding post-covid.

The reason why I made him drop them was because they said hurtful insulting things about me, I came across it while scrolling on his phone. So naturally, I was very upset and thought that if he is really into me why would he allow this to happen? So I overreacted. He explained that from their point of view, they were just trying to comfort him when I had rejected him. At the time, he just finished uni, didn't have a job etc. So why would I want to get in another relationship? I would never get into something if I didn't think could lead to potential marriage. I'm quite traditional like that.

@Eckhart

Sounds like you're with him because you can't think of a reason not to be, despite trying really hard to come up with something.

It doesn't sound a healthy basis for a relationship to me. You seem to feel you should be with him, rather than organically feeling drawn to him. This stuff about what a particular 'stage' of love is called and is meant to feel like... it's not something you question, if you're feeling it. Like being hungry; you don't analyse the tummy rumbles and the lightheadedness, and measure how much time has passed since you last ate to work out if you're hungry or not. You just know you're hungry.

Love isn't a checklist, and if you feel like it is, I'd say it's not love, but something you think ought to be love.

@Eckhart

I see your point of view, but, in my opinion, I think it's important to think about a person and their qualities more logically rather than relying on the heart cause you're going to be stuck with that person for the rest of your life so need to determine if they will make a good long term partner/father. I am attracted to him and do feel I love him when I'm with him too, like we always kiss, link arms/hands etc. all the lovey stuff. I've always looked at a checklist before getting with someone: education, job, how family orientated are they, are they respectful, are they understanding of me?, I dunno if that's the right way and a lot of people may disagree. But isn't that what dating has become? like online dating is really in now, which is basically looking at checklist before you decide to talk to them and take it further.

@Craftycorvid

I’ve had a lot of therapy, and I’m a therapist myself. If you look at Counselling Directory, BACP or UKCP websites, all will give you lists of appropriately qualified people. It’s then a case of looking at a few people’s profiles and getting in touch with ones who look promising. Quite a lot of therapists will offer you a reduced cost or free initial session so you can decide if they are a good fit for you/you feel comfortable talking to them.

@Craftycorvid

Thank you for your advice. Can I ask how much does it cost on average? And how often would you say its needed? I suppose it depends on severity right?

@Flyingbirdie

OP, sounds like you want to improve your social life and you put your hope on your HTB. You love him and you want more from him.

Personally I think you should work on your social skills yourself other than hoping a outgoing husband will change you.

or do you really need to change your social life, are you just want to be more outgoing because that's what you think the norm is, not what you want. at the end of the day, do what you want in life, not for others, definitely to scarify your happiness for.

Your HTB sounds like a perfect man for you from what I am hearing.
Good luck with your wedding!

@Flyingbirdie

You've made a great point.. Is it because it's what I think the norm is? I think the answer is yes. During covid, I didn't have any pressure to socialise because we couldn't. I've been fairly happy with just the company of my partner. I guess with social media, you see all these people with a close knit circle of friends, and I feel like I'm lacking and inadequate. But on the other side, I think it is also nice and healthy to have friends outside of the marriage. I think im thinking about this more as we can see the end of lockdowns and restrictions.

Thank you. :)

The average varies a lot. Anywhere from £30-60 per hour as a rough estimate. The ‘usual’ is an hour a week but there are no hard and fast rules. Less often than once a week can slow things down but that’s not always a negative. You may want to book a block of, say, 6 sessions and set a specific goal ie to feel clearer about your decision on marriage, and then review after that time. It can take you on quite a journey that touches on how you were brought up and what your parents’ marriage taught you about relationships, and it’s worth reviewing with a therapist as to whether you want to explore all the possible ‘highways and byways’ right now.

@Craftycorvid

The average varies a lot. Anywhere from £30-60 per hour as a rough estimate. The ‘usual’ is an hour a week but there are no hard and fast rules. Less often than once a week can slow things down but that’s not always a negative. You may want to book a block of, say, 6 sessions and set a specific goal ie to feel clearer about your decision on marriage, and then review after that time. It can take you on quite a journey that touches on how you were brought up and what your parents’ marriage taught you about relationships, and it’s worth reviewing with a therapist as to whether you want to explore all the possible ‘highways and byways’ right now.

@Craftycorvid

No way! It's kinda more afforable than I thought it would be. I don't know why I thought it was way more expensive than that. It is definitely worth it then, I will look into getting myself booked. The annoying thing is, I prefer to talk in person than over the phone. I suspect most places are just doing telephone consultations. I have been self medicating with marijuana (not more than 1x a week) and it has opened up memories i forgot i had, like abuse in my childhood and it makes me feel in a way enlightened that I can see why things affect me the way they do.