Wedding a month away should I still get married

[Charlotte271993]

Why am I so scared to get married? I'm scared that I'm making the wrong choice? Maybe it's just my own insecurities, I've never really had any close friends that have stayed with me and it eats me up. My cousin felt sorry for me before and tried to include in her friendship group and they were so nice but I still felt like an outsider and not a true friend, just their friend's cousin tbh. Like now I'm on annual leave, I don't have anyone else to talk to apart from my future husband and sister in law. The reason why I decided to marry him is because his family is so lovely, he is the most caring person I have never met, truthfully, he's the only person that has ever known me inside out, for my mental health issues and past trauma. I've been with guys in the past who have never really understood me mentally and my history of depression. I've been on antidepressants which changed my life but I haven't been on them for almost a year as I didn't want to rely on them anymore, prior to the medication a few years ago i was suicidal. I know all of his trauma inside out. He is my best friend, he's not the tallest guy or best looking but his other qualities are too good to overlook. I love the way he looks at me, i love how loved he makes me feel. I love that he's taken his time with me and made sacrifices for me. He's got a good job and is so ambitious and plans ahead financially. Whenever I'm down, I go to see him and he makes me happy again. So why am I still worried? Maybe its because he's also so introverted and doesn't feel like he needs friends, doesn't really feel the need to go to parties etc , maybe I'm scared our social life will just be us but even if I was with an outgoing guy I couldn't really expect his friends to be mine..i think it's my own securities. I'm due to get married very soon, can I have some opinions on this.. Its eating me up inside.

@BIWI

There are lots of things you say you love about him, but do you love him? That's noticeably absent in your posts.

If you don't, then I think you would be very unfair on him to marry him.

I do love him, my definition of love is that you feel completely comfortable in that person's presence and that's how I feel. How would you describe love?

Well I also think they're two separate things really. Your fiance sounds like he is right for you (based on what you've said only) - but you have to decide this for yourself. Love is an action, kind of like what you said about Buddhism I guess. Love is choosing to show kindness towards someone. Then there is being 'in love' which is feelings. Both are very valuable! But I think the first type, action-love, is more important to a marriage long term.

Anyway, I digress! In answer to your other issue about having no friends, I understand this one totally. Good friends are hard to come by. Some people make it look easy, but in my experience most of these rush in hard at the beginning of a friendship and then burn it out, or they have lots of friends but not deep good friends. Really good friendships take years to build.
I've met the friends I like best when doing hobbies/clubs I enjoy. You tend to find people with similar interests which is a great start. Is there anything you could join post-Covid?

I don't think it matters if you have friends but your husband doesn't. So long as you're both happy with your situations. Everyone is different!

Tbh, I get the impression you're with him because you feel very much alone in life, not necessarily because he's the love of your life.

Have you had any counselling or therapy dealing with issues from your upbringing and social difficulties?

@category12

As pp said, the two things - your lack of social circle and your potential marriage are separate issues really. You don't need to be joined at the hip to your partner and it's unfair and smothering to expect them to fill all the gaps in your life.

A more extrovert partner with a great family whose friends and relatives all embrace you is a nice scenario, but it's kind of because you're afraid (of putting yourself out there, of rejection, of change?) So you want it ready made and dropped in your lap.

Whether it's lack of self confidence or self esteem or whatever, the best thing you can do for yourself is to work on yourself and build your own social circle. Because life is uncertain and you need to be whole yourself, not expect someone else to plug the holes.

Whether you should marry your fiancé, really depends on whether you love him, just as he is.

Yes what you said is true. I want it "ready made" for me because I know I'll never be able to create an environment like that for myself by myself. I think looking at it, it is really unrealistic for me to expect ONE person to complete and fill in all the gaps in my life. I feel like I'm a nobody. I need to speak to my fiancé about what's been on my mind. Its hard because he doesn't have any urge to be social and is pretty happy where he is currently.

@ravenmum

A coupleof groups have been run by the local adult education centre, but the running group was from an ad on ebay. When things open up again you could give parkrun a try, too.

That is a great idea :) thank you for your suggestion

@FeistySheep

Well I also think they're two separate things really. Your fiance sounds like he is right for you (based on what you've said only) - but you have to decide this for yourself. Love is an action, kind of like what you said about Buddhism I guess. Love is choosing to show kindness towards someone. Then there is being 'in love' which is feelings. Both are very valuable! But I think the first type, action-love, is more important to a marriage long term.

Anyway, I digress! In answer to your other issue about having no friends, I understand this one totally. Good friends are hard to come by. Some people make it look easy, but in my experience most of these rush in hard at the beginning of a friendship and then burn it out, or they have lots of friends but not deep good friends. Really good friendships take years to build.
I've met the friends I like best when doing hobbies/clubs I enjoy. You tend to find people with similar interests which is a great start. Is there anything you could join post-Covid?

I don't think it matters if you have friends but your husband doesn't. So long as you're both happy with your situations. Everyone is different!

Yeah personally i think love is something that you have to work towards. Inevitably, when you spend all your time with one person and talking to them 24/7 those feelings in the honeymoon stage disappear. How can I leave a man who is so caring, family orientated, career minded, would make a good father, plus the sex life is great..those are all the reasons why i love him. I just wish he was more sociable so I could bring myself up aswell.

I agree good friendships are really hard to come by. Like, they're there for you as it suits them but when you need them, they don't care. I will certainly join something post covid! Thanks for your advice, I think I just need to work on myself rather than expect someone else to do it for myself

Your comments are telling, here.

It reads like you're not sure if you love him, but you've found a way of describing love that sounds like a lower threshold, and you're using that to justify saying you do. I did that in my early 20s, too. I really wanted to love the guy I was with. I thought I did. I didn't really realise I didn't until I met my now-husband... it's so much more than comfort.

It seems that you want to marry him because he comes with a ready-made circle of friends and family and that feels easier than building your own. It's low risk to you. It's a bit like an arranged marriage, in a sense... you're exchanging companionship and marriage for his circle of people.

To be honest, people do settle and some are happy to take a more transactional view. This might be how you want to do things, and that's okay, if it is. Unfair on him if he doesn't know, in my opinion, but fine if you're both aware and on board.

I'm glad I didn't. It wasn't easy to work on myself but I did it, and I now have a close circle of friends who are with me regardless, who love me for me, and who know me completely... and I have my husband's friends, too. I'll never have my own family, but I've dealt with my issues over that.

But more to the point, before I experienced it, I couldn't imagine a love like I have for my husband and he has for me. I've never been so naturally happy. He means the world to me.

I could be well off the mark here, but I recognise all of the things you're telling yourself to justify what you're doing.

@category12

Tbh, I get the impression you're with him because you feel very much alone in life, not necessarily because he's the love of your life.

Have you had any counselling or therapy dealing with issues from your upbringing and social difficulties?

To be honest, I wouldn't say this is the case. Online dating is really easy and it is so easy to meet someone to be with nowadays. I got out of a relationship a few months before him and I did date others but the understanding wasn't there and I just felt like I was being fake and not my true self whereas with him I am my complete self. I had a toxic phase where I tested men to see if they could handle me. He was eager to be with me in the beginning but I didn't as I was only a few months post a break up. With time, I developed feelings for him. His best friend said some bad things about me to comfort him when I rejected him and I made him delete his childhood best friend and also he couldn't see his university friends as I had a problem with one of them too. (I was young and toxic and I know.) so maybe his lack of friends is because of me..

Sounds like you've already been given some good advice. I'm 9 years married and I think that the best thing about my DH is that feel myself when I'm with him, he loves me for who I am. It seems like the most wonderful and valuable thing. So if you're able to look to yourself to improve your social life - slowly and carefully - and to continue to love him for who he currently is, then from what you've said there is quite a recipe for happiness there. He won't be your everything - my husband doesn't give me everything I need in life - but I'd never expect him to. But I have him by my side, so come home to etc etc and I consider myself to extraordinarily lucky. (He has very few friends too, but he is a good friend to them. He just likes a quiet life!) Gut feelings should always be listened to though - so don't rush if you're not sure. You are both still young. I got married at 35, I'm ancient now!

You can take antidepressants your entire life and it isn’t “relying” on them, it’s correcting an imbalance.

At one point I thought I should be with someone who pushed me out of my comfort zone, who would push me to be more social. That was a huge mistake and ended with a messy divorce.

If your only real problem is presents, just tell him what you need to feel loved. I get very explicit. “I need you to buy me a card at least 3 days in advance because when you tell me I have to watch dd so you can run out at the last minute to buy me a Mother’s Day card, it makes me feel like you don’t care”. “What really matter to me for Valentine’s Day is that we cook dinner together and do the dishes together” or whatever it is that matters to you. It’s just better for everyone if you are both honest and clear about your needs and desires.

His best friend said some bad things about me to comfort him when I rejected him and I made him delete his childhood best friend and also he couldn't see his university friends as I had a problem with one of them too. (I was young and toxic and I know.) so maybe his lack of friends is because of me..

That's really not good. If you can recognise that it was toxic, have you apologised to him? Have you encouraged him to see if he can fix those relationships?

There's just too much about this that doesn't feel right, and I'm guessing the same is true for you, as you've posted for opinions... so I'd be postponing a bit, I think.

It took me some time to write my post and in that time you posted about making him drop his friends.

This changes everything and I would advise you to put things on pause and perhaps pursue individual counseling before making any major life decisions.

@TakeYourFinalPosition

Your comments are telling, here.

It reads like you're not sure if you love him, but you've found a way of describing love that sounds like a lower threshold, and you're using that to justify saying you do. I did that in my early 20s, too. I really wanted to love the guy I was with. I thought I did. I didn't really realise I didn't until I met my now-husband... it's so much more than comfort.

It seems that you want to marry him because he comes with a ready-made circle of friends and family and that feels easier than building your own. It's low risk to you. It's a bit like an arranged marriage, in a sense... you're exchanging companionship and marriage for his circle of people.

To be honest, people do settle and some are happy to take a more transactional view. This might be how you want to do things, and that's okay, if it is. Unfair on him if he doesn't know, in my opinion, but fine if you're both aware and on board.

I'm glad I didn't. It wasn't easy to work on myself but I did it, and I now have a close circle of friends who are with me regardless, who love me for me, and who know me completely... and I have my husband's friends, too. I'll never have my own family, but I've dealt with my issues over that.

But more to the point, before I experienced it, I couldn't imagine a love like I have for my husband and he has for me. I've never been so naturally happy. He means the world to me.

I could be well off the mark here, but I recognise all of the things you're telling yourself to justify what you're doing.

What happened with that guy in your early 20s and why didn't you love him? What's different with your current husband and how long have you been with him? And what do you mean you'll never have your own family? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just interested in your experience.

Tbh it could be that im justifying it but it's not easy to think about leaving, this could ruin my life. He's someone that I can be myself around and tell all my dark secrets too, plus I never get bored being with him and even grocery shopping is so fun with him. He personally doesn't have a circle of friend's that I can be a part of which is my issue but I understand it means I need to work on myself tbh

.

@TakeYourFinalPosition

His best friend said some bad things about me to comfort him when I rejected him and I made him delete his childhood best friend and also he couldn't see his university friends as I had a problem with one of them too. (I was young and toxic and I know.) so maybe his lack of friends is because of me..

That's really not good. If you can recognise that it was toxic, have you apologised to him? Have you encouraged him to see if he can fix those relationships?

There's just too much about this that doesn't feel right, and I'm guessing the same is true for you, as you've posted for opinions... so I'd be postponing a bit, I think.

I recognise it was toxic and I will always regret it, I have apologised to him a lot of times and I feel terrible. I told him he could try to mend them but the damage was already done. BTW this was more than 3 years ago in the beginning so long time ago and I've never done that since

@MixedUpFiles

It took me some time to write my post and in that time you posted about making him drop his friends.

This changes everything and I would advise you to put things on pause and perhaps pursue individual counseling before making any major life decisions.

Sorry this was more than 3 years ago so I just thought of it now that it is probably my fault that he doesn't have a close circle.. I really am messed up aren't I?

Thank you for your advice, I think I am just being toxic and expecting too much from one person to complete my life and you're right that your husband shouldn't give you everything. I'm glad to hear that you live a happy life.

@MixedUpFiles

You can take antidepressants your entire life and it isn’t “relying” on them, it’s correcting an imbalance.

At one point I thought I should be with someone who pushed me out of my comfort zone, who would push me to be more social. That was a huge mistake and ended with a messy divorce.

If your only real problem is presents, just tell him what you need to feel loved. I get very explicit. “I need you to buy me a card at least 3 days in advance because when you tell me I have to watch dd so you can run out at the last minute to buy me a Mother’s Day card, it makes me feel like you don’t care”. “What really matter to me for Valentine’s Day is that we cook dinner together and do the dishes together” or whatever it is that matters to you. It’s just better for everyone if you are both honest and clear about your needs and desires.

Thanks for your advice, after reading what you wrote about antidepressants I think I need to get on it again, I've had depression since childhood so it won't go away anytime soon.

Can i ask why you feel it was a huge mistake? I am so sorry you went through a messy divorce, that is such a hard and horrible thing to go through. Divorce is something I really fear.

You don't seem sure about the relationship at all never mind the marriage.

DH and I are both quite extroverted, we have very separate social lives though - I don't rely on him to create mine for me and I think you relying on a partner to make one for you is a big mistake, if you separate then he takes that life and all of his friends with him.

Love - DH and I have been together 10 years, I can't imagine my life without him in it - him personally, not just a partner figure.
We have spent more time together this last 12 months than ever before and my feelings for him have not changed, I'm happy to get home together after work, he's the first person I want to tell about things which happen.....I also complain about him a lot and he's a complete nuisance.

It sounds as though you two should just postpone the wedding for a few years.

Go to parkrun, join the Ramblers, google "local choir/pub quiz/theatre group/conservation group/rotarians". Talk to your colleagues about their lives.
Get a better feel for what happy people and happy families look and act like. Sort your heads out a bit.

At 26, your brain has really only just finished all the adolescent-to-adult changes, and IME it's normal to continue sorting your head out for a few more years after that.

It's just I was walking with a friend this week and she had had a couple of serious relationships in her 20s and they were, she said great men, but not quite for her; she changed her town and job and met her current husband in her early 30s when she started a new hobby.

Your chap sounds a sweetie and the fact that you are comfortable with each other is good. But the thing with his friends suggests you both might have a bit more growing up - in a neutral way - to do before you're really ready to get married.

Depression can make one self-sabotage sometimes, but on one level it sounds like you're in part going for marriage now because you have an excuse to avoid certain dramas by having a good excuse to have a small wedding.

It does sound like a good relationship, but also like maybe you should work more on yourself and improving your confidence before you commit to marrying, because you are still young and have plently of time. You can still have a small wedding after COVID - it is your wedding, and you are entitled to say a large gathering makes you anxious and uncomfortable and it is about you and your partner

When I said Tbh, I get the impression you're with him because you feel very much alone in life, not necessarily because he's the love of your life. I meant alone in life in terms of friends and family. It's interesting you jumped straight to "oh but it's easy to date". Again, you're expecting your romantic life to compensate for the other areas you're lacking.

Your areas. Not his.

It's your own shit you need to fix.

You both sound like kind and lovely people, that’s clear; whether you have a long-term future together is less clear - and I think it’s because it sounds like you are still in the process of deciding who you are. Relationships can become things that define us for good or ill and you seem to have doubts about whether your drive to be more sociable might collide with his lack of need for friends. You also sound as though you want someone more demonstrative. There is a risk that any unmet needs might fester over time and I wonder if this is why you are questioning the wedding now? Delaying a bit is much better than feeling you ‘have’ to marry the first decent nice chap to be in your life. You met him at 19, that’s very young. If you can afford private counselling, I’d recommend it with a therapist who specialises in trauma. It’s worth investing in yourself before deciding on a lifelong commitment, in fact I’d say it’s essential.

Do you love him?

You talk about all his great qualities, but do you love him, or the idea of him?

I’m a massive introvert and DP is an extravert. TBH I’d rather be with someone who was happy just me and them. He always needs his kids, his brothers, etc around and sometimes I prefer to just be by myself but he can’t be on his own, always has to get someone round to be with him! He’s not a party animal so at least I don’t have to deal with that, but my dream would be to have found someone like my mum and dad. They worked together and spent all their free time together and just seemed like they belonged.

You say your fiancé “isn’t the tallest” like that shit is important. Do you find him sexually attractive? If so and he’s as lovely as you say, you’ve hit the jackpot so don’t worry what anyone else might think of him or whether some loud mouthed chatterbox might be more fun, it would just be annoying

Totally normal to have the wobbles before a big life changing event but he sounds lovely and you’re very lucky to have him. (As he is too with you I’m sure!)