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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Missing my cheating ex husband

30 replies

Soniapa · 17/03/2021 20:42

Been divorced 2 years. Me and my ex have child together. We always got on amazing, never argued. But one day I found out he was cheating (even went on holidays with another woman). He regretted it and cried. Begged me to go counselling with him and that he will never do it again. I decided to divorce him. I’ve been dating for a past year and it’s been going terriblySad. I really miss my ex husband - I can’t find even close connection I had with him. Tonight he was over to play with our child and I enjoyed him being around so much. Did I make a mistake? Could Cheater change? Should I take him back? Or am I just lonely Sad please send me some strength Sad will I ever find connection I had with him again (obviously not completely same) ?

OP posts:
PamDemic · 18/03/2021 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loggerino · 18/03/2021 07:06

I think it is rose tinted glasses. I had an amazing intimacy with my ex husband that i havent been able to match in subsequent relationships. But, i also had very good reason to leave him and i have to remember that and take those specs off!

Dery · 18/03/2021 09:58

Dear OP - it's difficult but just no. You've had several great pieces of advice on here and Lynn's post is just amazing. As a PP said, it should be required reading.

The enormity of the cheating is at least part of the issue here. This wasn't a drunken kiss with a colleague or even a drunken one night stand with a stranger from a bar. That could be problematic enough. He had a whole other life with this woman. He went on holiday with her. As PPs have said: how much lying and deceit did he need to practise in order to carry that off. What do you think he was telling her about you and your child? What lies do you think he was spinning in order for her to think it was a good idea to go on holiday with a family man? Telling her you and he didn't have sex any more, he didn't love you, he was only with you because of your shared child. Imagine all the time, money and emotional energy he put into this relationship with her which he should have been giving to you and your child. He cried when he got found out. Boo hoo. He didn't cry at the thought of what he did to you while he was doing it, did he, while he was getting his end away with the OW? This man only cares about himself.

All men do not cheat any more than all women cheat. My understanding is that if you look at the stats, the genders are about even on cheating. Your friends are just saying that because they made the decision that seemed the most immediately comfortable to them. And perhaps their partners had not actually holidayed with other women.

Of course, your ex looks irresistible now. It's been a very difficult year for single people and he's on his best behaviour. No doubt he has some superficially good qualities and is very physically attractive to you. As a PP said - you are, in a way, in the honeymoon period with him. You're not going through the daily grind together. But look what he did when you were going through the daily grind. As PP have said - how will you feel every time he talks to another woman, every time he checks his texts, every time he's inexplicably absent somewhere? Getting on amazingly didn't stop him creating a life with another woman first time. There are men out there who will treat you well and be loyal. And who don't only care about themselves.

Good luck with your decision, OP.

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/03/2021 10:36

Your story isn't a million miles away from mine with the cheating ex, not a chance I'd take him back though. Can you imagine living the rest of your life not being able to trust where he said he was every time he was late back from work, or out for a drink with his friends? I'd rather be single forever...

This for me too. I still loved my ex husband very much when I asked him to leave after finding out about his affair and I will always have strong feelings for him. I am with someone else now who I love and am happy with but I have to stop myself comparing him and our relationship to my ex and our marriage. I will never feel those all consuming feelings I had for my ex with anyone else as I am not the same person I was when I met him and i have had life experiences which have changed the way I feel things. I am less naiive and more realistic and pragmatic but maybe that's not a bad thing.

I know some of the conversations my ex had with the OW and that's what hurts the most and I would never be able to get over, not so much the sex. I don't want to live half a life wondering if he is where he says he is or if he would ever so it again (he likely would).

category12 · 18/03/2021 11:20

I can tell you that it feels a lot better sitting there knowing you could get your cheating ex back anytime you wanted, than it does to actually take them back and live with the insecurity and distrust.

You've only really been split up a short time and much of it during a pandemic. There's better out there.

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