Why do people not recognise when they are in an abusive relationship?

[Appropriateactionneeded]

This is just from my own personal experience. I was my ex for years, a very abusive relationship.. The final straw was a punch in the face. I had social workers telling me I was being abused that DD was being abused.. But why didn't I recognise it during the time. I only truly fully understand what abuse is now that I'm out of this relationship whilst in it I had no understanding at all.. I consider myself reasonably intelligent, degree educated, good job, good mother.. Why didn't I see what was happening?
I'm almost a year out of the awful and toxic environment.. The question has struck a chord in me today as my ex and I are part way through the family court and have to write witness statements, the way in which I write my statements now is that I have a full understanding of what abuse is and was in my relationship with my ex.. Where as before I didn't..
Just wondering if anyone has ever thought the same?

Did you feel unpleasant in the relationship, and that your ex wasn't treating you nicely?

I think that most people understand that something is wrong, but we don't label it abuse because we've been trained and conditioned (often during our childhood: relationship with our parents/relationship demonstrated to us between our parents) to minimise our feelings. So we feel rubbish in the relationship, but we think we're 'being silly' or 'over reacting' or we're 'too sensitive'.

It's complicated.
Trauma bonding mostly
That and being conditioned and groomed when vulnerable. An abuser picks certain people.

Childhood experiences and if toxic relationships is all you know.
Lots of things.

Abusers fall for people they want to control. They're doing it on purpose and know what they're doing.

They will test your boundaries early in the relationship with innocuous seeming requests and behaviours. Usually masked as joking around.

Early on they'll make you feel like their world (love bombing). The abusive behaviour tends to escalate very slowly in the beginning while they feel out what your weak spots are and where you are vulnerable to manipulation. Over all you won't notice how controlling they are till it's far too late. Once they believe you to be within their control the demands and behaviours will get increasingly outrageous and escalate rapidly.

At this point you're doubting yourself the whole time and so caught up in their net it's hard to see things clearly.

Because he was kind and caring one moment and before the abuse started, he was respectful and we got on well.
Because you believe the nice part of them will come back, but that wasn't really them at all.
You think the sulking and rages are because you had done something wrong, but they're manipulative tactics.
Because they tell you that don't know what you're talking about and they're not the ogre you think they are just because they tried to force themselves on you.
Because you're trauma bonded to them even though you know you've been violated, you miss them and that must mean you love them, right?
I didn't see it but it's so blindingly obvious now. I'm so ashamed at enabling this behaviour and being complicit in the mindfuckery.

I think I was just so desperate for him to love me and to not make him angry. I often wondered what it was about me that made him so angry.. It's right pp, they do pick a particular type of victim.
My circumstances are quite outing but my abuser came into my life when I had a traumatic event happen in my life, look back if was predatory.

When I left him.. I felt like absolutely nothing and a shadow of who I used to be.. A year on almost and I'm not there yet but my outlook on life is significantly more positive.

That's good to hear, keep going.
Have you had councelling?

It's the boiling frog analogy. If you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump straight out. But if you put it in cold water and slowly turn up the heat, the frog will stay put and not realise the water is now boiling and killing it. Seemingly, because the water is heating up so slowly, the frog's skin doesn't register it.

Add that to an abuser flipping between loving and abusive behaviour, the abused's survival instinct, gaslighting, other people downplaying their concerns, self doubt, vulnerability, etc etc, it's like a perfect storm.

You might find it interesting to read In The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head.

I think the word "abuse" itself is problematic because people tend to think of very overt displays of it such as acts of physical violence or loud shouting and swearing (and of course the latter is not necessarily abusive depending on the context). So more insidious forms of abuse don't really fit with what many people see as abuse.

I think also that most people have some redeeming features and can be affectionate, kind, funny, interesting or whatever and it can be hard to reconcile that "decent" side with being an abuser.

And another thought is that many abusive people don't see themselves as abusive - I think Lindy Bancroft said that the sadistic type of abuser is relatively rare. Abuse is often just a way of establishing control and getting your own way rather than a deliberate campaign to make someone else miserable (although the end result may well be just the same).

And then there's the idea of "sunk costs - when you've put a lot of time and effort into a relationship, it can be hard to accept that it isn't and never will be what you hoped and thought it might be.

Just some thoughts, anyway.

I have never been in an abusive adult "romantic" relationship.
But I was "seeing" someone when I was 15, who punched me supposedly accidentally.
We were with friends, everyone believed the accident and I glossed over it in the moment. Said I was fine etc.
Went home and decided I wouldn't be seeing him again, and realised that my friends were wimps. These are female friends by the way I wasn't expecting a white knight, but the boy I was seeing was cool and they didn't want to contradict him in front of his friends.
So if teenage girls, who love a drama, are already conditioned to "not make a fuss" how hard as an adult to recognise unacceptable behaviour and begin the process of disentangling your life from someone who isn't always horrible?
Especially if it is insidious and in private.
I'm glad to hear you are doing well and hope things only get better for you

@coronabeer

I think the word "abuse" itself is problematic because people tend to think of very overt displays of it such as acts of physical violence or loud shouting and swearing (and of course the latter is not necessarily abusive depending on the context). So more insidious forms of abuse don't really fit with what many people see as abuse.

I think also that most people have some redeeming features and can be affectionate, kind, funny, interesting or whatever and it can be hard to reconcile that "decent" side with being an abuser.

And another thought is that many abusive people don't see themselves as abusive - I think Lindy Bancroft said that the sadistic type of abuser is relatively rare. Abuse is often just a way of establishing control and getting your own way rather than a deliberate campaign to make someone else miserable (although the end result may well be just the same).

And then there's the idea of "sunk costs - when you've put a lot of time and effort into a relationship, it can be hard to accept that it isn't and never will be what you hoped and thought it might be.

Just some thoughts, anyway.

Lots of good points.

I was in what was in retrospect an abusive relationship, the fact that he seemed wonderful at the start, that he seemed like a good person most of the time/in most ways, that he was never physically abusive or threatening (in fact he said he had been physically abused by an ex) etc. we're all important.

In addition to that, when he was abusive - which was mostly around jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity etc. - I didn't give in to what he wanted, and I constantly argued my side .. in line with me being outspoken, feisty etc.
I think you think that if you are feisty and outspoken, and if you argue with them; that you don't see yourself as being abused, or maybe them as abusive.

Bit it still is abuse, and you are still being abused.

Abuse is often just a way of establishing control and getting your own way rather than a deliberate campaign to make someone else miserable (although the end result may well be just the same).

That's another point.

With some abusers (as with my ex) you can see their behaviour is rooted in insecurity .. and sometimes they'll say so too; and it makes you feel empathy for them (because most of us have felt insecure to some extent) and give them tolerance that you shouldn't.

What I learned is that the tolerance and the sympathy doesn't change their behaviour though, it stays the same or gets worse.

it can be hard to accept that it isn't and never will be what you hoped and thought it might be.

Abusers are also often very good at the honeymoon period, at live bombing etc. It's likely they know their behaviour caused the breakdown of their previous relationship so they are really really on their best behaviour in a new relationship. They might also be concerned that unflattering info. might get back to you about their behaviour from exes/the grapevine so they might go out of their way to appear lovely, and to make you doubt anything you hear of put it down to sour grapes etc.

My ex was v good at that - he portrayed exes as having been finished with by him, and being upset and bitter about it (i doubt that version of events now) and also portrayed some exes as unstable and having alcohol problems and being abusive themselves, so I'd doubt anything they said if it got back to me.

In any case, they can make the first few months amazing - you feel.like you've met your biggest fan, your soul mate etc and you give them and the relationship so much "good credit" that it takes a lot to use up all that credit.

You keep thinking/hoping it can get back to what if was. If you're like me you give the relationship and the man lots of value due to those early months; that it shouldn't have.

Because abuse of women is widely accepted in society.

You fall for the love bombing, then think you must have done something wrong when it stops and the mask starts to slip. You blame yourself because of poor self esteem or behaviour patterns you saw when growing up, you're desperate for things to go back to the nice way they were at the beginning.

Your boundaries were probably tested early on, but maybe you didn't notice because it was under the guise of him pretending to be upset or hurt by something you did, so you told yourself you mustn't upset him again. Or you tried to stand up for yourself but were made to feel stupid and like you'd got the wrong end of the stick. Either way, your boundaries get trampled and you stop standing up for yourself without realising.

Every time you feel shit or distressed, you think you must be over sensitive or you (personally) aren't very good in relationships and it's really you that's the problem.

He makes you feel like you're being difficult/crazy/insecure/argumentative for questioning anything or trying to explain that something is an issue or you felt hurt.

He shuts down any attempts at communication and makes you feel awful for trying, so you give up and accept things the way they are.

You feel overwhelmed and alone, but even though you feel terrible, you ignore your gut instinct because you don't even think you can trust it now your self esteem is so low.

You think he's not so bad really, no one is perfect, you're a difficult person yourself, at least he doesn't.......until he does and you crack under that final straw and that's when it ends.

This might sound familiar to other posters and is basically a summary of 8 years of my life up until I filed for divorce.

@RantyAnty

Because abuse of women is widely accepted in society.

This has crystallised something that occurred to me about the depiction of what is normal and acceptable in relationships.

I must admit to reading some romance and erotica and i can see now that the vast vast majority of it depicts really quite unhealthy relationships .. with the woman being the victim.

You'd think it would have changed from the time of woman's lib, but in some ways it's as bad or worse, like fifty shades, Twilight etc.

I remember Lundy Bancroft doing a talk in which he highlighted watching a play version of Frankie and Johnny and was appalled at what was clearly an abusive relationship being lauded as romance.

It's not just men abusing women, especially when it comes to emotional abuse.

I think also that there's a fair amount of 'manipulation' that's not classed as unhealthy in a lot of relationships, so it's more difficult to spot when it's subtly and pervasively abusive. Sometimes it's hard even to explain why you feel so bad about the way somebody is behaving; it's not always to do with things that would be generally classed as abusive, but sometimes is specific to the victim's particular sensitivities. For example, my friend who asked her partner to stop persistently touching her on the knee because it's what her childhood abuser used to do as a precursor to sexual abuse. The knee touching wasn't abusive, but the crossing of the stated boundary was. It would be very hard for her to explain the abuse of the partner without having to also divulge that she was abused as a child. It can be very difficult to define things, so you have to rely on your own emotions.

I’ve only just realised - after 40 years of marriage! With all the news surrounding M&H and the term Narcissistic being thrown around. I looked up NPD and a lightbulb went off in my head. Yes, I knew there was something wrong with my marriage and yes, I knew he was ‘difficult’ but I excused all and every behaviour - he was stressed, I’m a lazy cow, the kids were winding him up, his colleagues were mean to him. I put up with so much crap my DSIL called me a doormat. He insisted and bullied me into terminating our 3rd child - it was my fault I got pregnant, he couldn’t cope with another baby, our marriage wouldn’t survive. It went on and on relentlessly.
Three years later he started an affair with a work colleague. Again it was my fault. I made him do it. Why wasn’t I supportive? Why did I put the kids first all the time? I didn’t give him the attention he needed/wanted.
As others have said, it’s only when you look back that you realise you were being controlled and abused but then you feel such shame and anger because you allowed all this to happen and ashamed because you failed to protect your children who witnessed all this.

@RantyAnty agree with you wholeheartedly.
Now I'm going through the family court too.. Family court judges are so uneducated on domestic abuse. The first judge we had treated me like the perpetrator and gave my ex all the sympathy! It took 3 full days of solidly crying before I thought to myself no more.. The next 2 judges we've have had have seen him for the disgusting specimen he is and directed allegations of abuse towards him and not me. Just have to see where it takes us. But the family court system needs a massive overhaul of these draconian judges who think it's perfectly acceptable for women to be abused because they choose to remain in the relationship.. I've kept it gender specific to reference my own experience but fully aware that women abuse men also.

Your experience completely resonates with me. I was there, where you are many many years ago.

It took a good friend to get close enough to recognise the signs and very very slowly over 15 years she enlightened me, strengthened me and eventually got me out.

When you are in it you can't see it. You really can't. You are so conditioned to seeing what you need to do to survive and to keep everything ticking over that you fail to recognise the bigger picture.

When you are completely worn down daily your remaining mental energy energy goes into trying to make life stable as possible for the next hour, then the next hour. Your energy goes into protecting your children and striving to keep the peace. The power balance is very off kilter.

It's a monumental effort to step away from this, especially if the abuse isn't always physical. You are conditioned to think it's normal, you are cut off from family and most of if not all friends. Your views need to fall in line with your abuser, you stop being able to think logically and objectively.

It's death by a thousand cuts.

To those outside looking in it's probably infuriating, people ask why it's not obvious, why aren't we protecting ourselves and our children. I would say we are, but in a weakened compliant state as this is how we survived.

OP, a wise woman told me it takes a full five years to regenerate, to be restored, to feel functional again and strong. It's true. It does return gradually and it was around five years I started to feel like the woman I was before I met my EXH.

The first judge we had treated me like the perpetrator and gave my ex all the sympathy
If the people at the top who enforce the rules behave like this...well there's one of the reasons!

Like a PP, I used to get really mad about the things he was saying about me. He'd say the worst things he could think of to get at me. It literally drove me crazy a few times because he'd keep insisting he didn't say that, he didn't mean that, why was I interpreting it the wrong way, I did this, I did that, zero time to even answer his accusations and any questions I asked would be thrown back at me, along with even more accusations. Then he would pack all of his things and leave without telling me where he was going or for how long. Then of course the apologies once he felt I'd chased him enough, followed by expecting me to apologise, which I do if I've lost my temper. And then afterwards, he would be the perfect man again, unless I dared to be quiet or mention that I was feeling upset afterwards. So I carried on getting more and more silent. I felt guilty about leaving because my son was happy and I didn't have anywhere to go, or any rights to my home because he'd encouraged me to live in his property at the beginning of the relationship. Which then became a stick to beat with me about what a burden I was. I even had to call the police once because he threw me out in my nightclothes because I didn't wash up a plate.

I think I was just trying to live for the quiet times.

I can't tell you how relieved I am that I never have to see him again.

I felt sorry for mine and hoped to heal him with my devotion.

He phoned me a couple of years ago (after we were separated for 17y)with a sinister voice saying "I will destroy you! You will have no family and no friends" I laughed and said "your an oap, not Don Corleone" - big mistake not to take him seriously!

I'm now estranged from my adult children and the grandson who lived with me for 7y.

And also I think because when they are nice they are really, really nice. And everyone else seems to think they're amazing too, they can be very charming.

My ex-H used to tell me that if I only behaved properly he'd be nice all the time.... and I tried and tried and tried to get my behaviour right (and he just found something else 'wrong'). I honestly believed it was my fault, apart from brief moments of clarity - often after a few drinks - where I just knew he was the problem. I'd address it with him and of course he'd blame my thinking on me being drunk (which I wasn't, literally just a couple of glasses).

Looking back I can see that my responses to the abuse were developed in childhood. 'Love' was a reward for 'right' behaviour and affection was withdrawn for wrong behaviour. This was from my parent and sibling and through my growing understanding now, these relationships have really suffered. It's as though my whole life has been a lie.

I WISH so much that they taught this stuff throughout school - people I know who had more normal examples of relationships growing up have gone on to have seemingly wonderful relationships as adults and I hate that even one unsuspecting person will go on to endure what I did. A different person would have kicked him in to touch/dumped him so much sooner (not the greatest choice of expression, I obviously don't mean literally kicked him!).