Why do people not recognise when they are in an abusive relationship?

[Appropriateactionneeded]

This is just from my own personal experience. I was my ex for years, a very abusive relationship.. The final straw was a punch in the face. I had social workers telling me I was being abused that DD was being abused.. But why didn't I recognise it during the time. I only truly fully understand what abuse is now that I'm out of this relationship whilst in it I had no understanding at all.. I consider myself reasonably intelligent, degree educated, good job, good mother.. Why didn't I see what was happening?
I'm almost a year out of the awful and toxic environment.. The question has struck a chord in me today as my ex and I are part way through the family court and have to write witness statements, the way in which I write my statements now is that I have a full understanding of what abuse is and was in my relationship with my ex.. Where as before I didn't..
Just wondering if anyone has ever thought the same?

I feel constantly that it's probably my fault I'm so unhappy and that I am the unreasonable one - perhaps even the one dishing out the abuse. Who knows maybe I am

Nobody can choose their feelings, otherwise negative feelings wouldn't exist. So pointing the finger at yourself (or, indeed, anyone else) is useless. All we can do is manage our response to our feelings in an adult and responsible way. This means communicating with people and trying to compromise so that we don't get triggered into having the negative emotion, and if that doesn't work, spending decreasing amounts of time with the person who insists on triggering us, until we can comfortably manage the negative feeling.

Fault (including blaming yourself) looks backwards, at things that can't be changed. It therefore cannot be productive. Responsibility looks forwards at what we can do differently, even when we are the victim, to make our own situation better, whether the abuser agrees with us or not.

@scaredsadandstuck

I neglected to tag you above, but I meant to, sorry.

@Missymoo6
Your post reminded me so much of my husband, I had to check the name to see that I did not post it. My DH is like that. He will say not to anything I suggest, especially if it requires spending money. When, few years ago, I started doing things regardless of him not joining in he was so shocked. He would refuse to go, so therefore make a scene, even if our kids were there or my family, or friends. I guess he wants me, or all of us, to feel bad. Even now, he would get mad and give me a silent treatment if I would do something he did not want to do. It is so exhausting all these mind games. Why am I putting up with his bullshit?

@Kotatsu you say:
Mine is a social one - how to educate women to not accept it, to understand that it's fine to end a relationship for little things too.

Exactly! When I started therapy a year ago, I found myself trying to explain why I am not happy. Trying and failing to find faults with my husband. He does not yell and scream, does not cuss, does not hit me, he is a good provider and a solid dad. I would end up feeling so guilty. Why am I not happy, why am I complaining? I kept telling her, I know that there is an answer in all this but I do not know what it is. Finally, I know what the answer is: I am not happy and therefore I do not want to be with him any more. I realized that I have to learn to give myself a permission to be happy, to want, to need, better, happier life. Permission! Because as a woman I was thought from young age, to suck it up, to take it all to keep the marriage. To keep the family intact. People would say that unless a man is hitting you, drinking too much, gambling or cheating you do not have a good enough reason to leave him. Being happy and content in a relationship, having your needs met, being respected and appreciated, those were not good enough reasons to end a marriage.

[quote Eckhart]@OverTheRubicon

I've wondered this. People who use abusive behaviours don't always do it on purpose, so I assume they must do it to lots of people, but simply get swiftly dumped by those with strong, healthy boundaries. So, those of us who have been trained to be kind, accommodating, forgiving, self deprecating, self critical, and even to some extent self aware, are the only sorts of people who will stay with them.

Abuse is a relationship dynamic. The victim needs to see the difference between blame and responsibility; the abuser is at fault, but the responsibility for the victim's wellbeing lies with the victim, and their recognition that they need to get away from the abuser, whether the abuser agrees or not.[/quote]
@Eckhart
You are absolutely right. I have seen it so many times, people being completely different in different relationship. My H for example has done so many amazing things for his girlfriends that I do not see him ever doing for me. I often think whit wonder, what kind of a man he would have end up being if he stayed with one of them and not me.

[quote Eckhart]@OverTheRubicon

I've wondered this. People who use abusive behaviours don't always do it on purpose, so I assume they must do it to lots of people, but simply get swiftly dumped by those with strong, healthy boundaries. So, those of us who have been trained to be kind, accommodating, forgiving, self deprecating, self critical, and even to some extent self aware, are the only sorts of people who will stay with them.

Abuse is a relationship dynamic. The victim needs to see the difference between blame and responsibility; the abuser is at fault, but the responsibility for the victim's wellbeing lies with the victim, and their recognition that they need to get away from the abuser, whether the abuser agrees or not.[/quote]
This is incredibly insightful, and it helps me make sense of a previous important relationship, which was thankfully a long time ago. I have already 'forgiven' him, but this actually helps me understand why.

With my first husband he did such a good job convincing me he was angry with me for legitimate reasons, and believed himself when he said I was doing xyz just to upset him, (which was why he was screaming abuse at me). I knew I wasn't doing the things he said, and tried for years to convince him I was a nice person, not this bitch he was painting me as. I tried to convince him, not once realising this was abuse. I knew all along it was wrong of him to behave like this but thought it was because of crossed wires, or something in my behaviour was setting him off. I realised eventually he just hated and distrusted women, and as a woman I was top that list. It took years to realise it, and no, I didn't see myself as abused, and no one told me it was abuse.

Its all mindgames

I am sure that a lot of us are conditioned in childhood to accept abusive behaviour. It feels normal to have your needs and wants rejected and for them to put theirs first, just like when you were a child to a selfish or emotionally unavailable parent. As a child you do everything to grasp onto your rejecting parent because you are dependent.

You carry that into adult relationships. You tolerate selfish nasty people because that's all you know. It doesn't ever 'feels right or satisfying but you don't know how to change it.

Abusers also use manipulation and guilt to control you. I genuinely didn't think I had any rights to ask for what I wanted. It felt selfish and wrong. I was also surrounded by people who reinforced my view that I didn't matter.

It was a complete bloody revelation to realise I could have the life I want and not give a toss what other people think. That's self esteem for you!

@Dacquoise

I am sure that a lot of us are conditioned in childhood to accept abusive behaviour. It feels normal to have your needs and wants rejected and for them to put theirs first, just like when you were a child to a selfish or emotionally unavailable parent. As a child you do everything to grasp onto your rejecting parent because you are dependent.

You carry that into adult relationships. You tolerate selfish nasty people because that's all you know. It doesn't ever 'feels right or satisfying but you don't know how to change it.

Abusers also use manipulation and guilt to control you. I genuinely didn't think I had any rights to ask for what I wanted. It felt selfish and wrong. I was also surrounded by people who reinforced my view that I didn't matter.

It was a complete bloody revelation to realise I could have the life I want and not give a toss what other people think. That's self esteem for you!

Hear, hear!

Because I loved him and still wanted him to change
Because he needed care himself mentally. He was also not that bright and I felt sorry for him
13 years and a lot of hell later I stopped loving him. But I felt I was trapped financially with him and because he was so hopeless at life it was difficult to get him out
Then a year later after he'd kicked.my door in drunk because he thought I was cheating I finally kicked him out..(helped him to find somewhere)

Never looked back. Just feel sheer relief im not there anymore.

I loved him and wanted to believe he'd change.
Thats why I stayed so long

Towards the end of my relationship I actually felt like I could put up with the physical abuse. It was the sheer mental cruelty that was just so awful to deal with.

I knew I needed to leave my ex. But honestly I was terrified.

Our relationship ended with him in prison for assault and possession of a firearm.

I have an indirect contact order for DD. My ex stood in front of a family court judge and lied about his 3 convictions. He failed to attend his domestic violence course and told the probation officer it was my fault he hit me.

The indirect contact once a year ended with my ex harrassing me and my family. He was sent to prison.

I have an indefinate restraining order.
I blamed myself for years thinking I caused his behaviour as all his friends said what a great man he was.

I have had letters from Social Services to check DD has no contact as his last partner had her son removed and they had 30 referrals in the space of a year.

I know now it wasn't me.

I have been single for 6 years I can't face another relationship.

Some of these experiences are horrifying to read 😢.. I hope this thread is helping in some ways not less just to put down your feelings and thoughts on how it made you feel..
I will never ever trust another man.
I have two permanent bald patches on my scalp where my ex ripped my hair out. I have a huge scar on my left arm where my daughter points at it and says "daddy horrible to mummy" I have a chipped tooth from when he threw me into a wall and my face hit it. I can't stand wearing a face mask because it reminds me of being strangled by him on the many occasions he did it. When I take my daughter to see him at the contact center and can smell his aftershave in the room he was waiting in I feel physically sick and sad at the same time because I thought this was the love of my life. But it wasn't. It was the abuser that made me feel immense fear to be alone because I didn't deserve to be happy and I was nothing but grateful to be with him.
I don't think I will ever trust another man.

I don't think I will ever trust another man

Be single for ever if it's what you want. If it isn't what you want, then learn why you fell pray to abuse. Why you stayed when you knew it felt wrong. What it was that made you over ride those 'This feels wrong' instincts.

YOU are in charge of whether you have another abusive relationship, because YOU can leave at the very first sniff of it. You know what it looks like now, it is a familiar beast to you.

Don't let an abuser put you off something you want. Learn the lesson they offered you. It may be that you want to live the single life because you enjoy your independence, now, but don't stay single for ever because of fear. Stay single while you learn from your experience. Make your boundaries healthy. Build some phenomenal self confidence. THEN decide whether you'd like to invite another person into your life. And woe betide him if he fails you.

I have been single for 6 years I can't face another relationship
I wish you lasting peace and happiness Marble🙏💙
The power of the F.O.G. is shocking 😳☹️

I have been single for 6 years I can't face another relationship

If and when it comes, it won't be something you have to face any more than you have to face a bunch of flowers when somebody you love gives it to you.

Your relationship talk sounds like battle talk. It doesn't have to. It's your choice. But your choice is to be fiercely respected, by you, before anybody else.

Haven't RTFT but from my experience it's because you start to normalise their behaviour, and you become conditioned to it. The first time my ex went mental I was shocked and scared. The next time he did it, I was less shocked and less scared, the next time even more so, and on it went.

I think for a lot of people in their background there has been a controlling parent or someone that they spent time with growing up who would manipulate them.

Whilst they grow up and recognise this person is abusive they then choose the same “qualities/personality type” in their partners/spouses.

For others it is because the abuser doesn’t show their true face immediately. They love bomb and cut off the support networks very very slowly and by the time the person recognises they are in an abusive relationship a decade has gone past and they are so surprised that this is their life that it takes a few more years or it to go really bad before they will do something

I had a company with mine and so escape was a very long process. Worse than divorcing as there was no way he wanted to give up his well paid job. Even now I'm awake because I'm about to do the final part and will have to engage with him. So am stressed as hell.
The usual. Lying. To me, about me. Incredibly charming to others nasty to me. Nasty to me in front of staff so they would see him as having the power. Even now many people see it as us 'not getting on' because I stood up for myself. He assaulted me once but its verbal assaults and undermining that are his things. He's a narcissist and I don't say that lightly.

Even now people don't believe me. They need to 'see it for themselves'. One did see it which is why he's ex as that person helped me. Kind of. But the not being believed or trusted is the worst part. That and people thinking you must have deserved it.

Nothing good has come of it. I made the mistake of doing psychodynamic therapy. Twice. They don't understand and they simply can't get that sometimes people are evil. All that talking about him reinforced it. And a different kind of not being quite believed.

The world would be a better place if these people were rounded up and shot quite frankly.

Nasty to me in front of staff so they would see him as having the power.

More like: they saw him as being a complete wanker.

@Mintychocolate I'm so glad you're getting out. Wishing you all the happiness you deserve, starting with a tranquil night's sleep! Good luck for the final stages.

@Eckhart

I don't think I will ever trust another man

Be single for ever if it's what you want. If it isn't what you want, then learn why you fell pray to abuse. Why you stayed when you knew it felt wrong. What it was that made you over ride those 'This feels wrong' instincts.

YOU are in charge of whether you have another abusive relationship, because YOU can leave at the very first sniff of it. You know what it looks like now, it is a familiar beast to you.

Don't let an abuser put you off something you want. Learn the lesson they offered you. It may be that you want to live the single life because you enjoy your independence, now, but don't stay single for ever because of fear. Stay single while you learn from your experience. Make your boundaries healthy. Build some phenomenal self confidence. THEN decide whether you'd like to invite another person into your life. And woe betide him if he fails you.

^ THIS a million times over.

I can vouch for this myself. My life is beyond my wildest dreams. Except that being happy now seems normal, instead of something you only get in a Disney film. I wonder why I never noticed before. In relationship terms, I was like someone who was so busy paying for a grotty hot dog from a van that I never even noticed the free self-service banquet spread out around me.

Learning boundaries, learning to trust your own gut, learning what happiness looks like — these are all crucial steps. And you can't possibly even begin to learn them while you're still in an emotionally destructive relationship.

I am so glad someone made this thread, enlightening to read.

My brother has been going through an abusive relationship, but he was completely blinded to it and I have been so frustrated to watch the situation grind him down to a shadow of himself.

He is on the spectrum so a bit oblivious to things and met the woman at work who became his friend (classic love bombing), and he didn't really notice she sort of inserted herself at every point of his life.

He wasn't interested in her in a romantic sense, but he had a need to be loved, cared for and appreciated and she provided that in spades. After a few months, she had more or less isolated him from every other relationship and she had made herself his mother / wife / best friend and only ally.

Then she pushed for things to turn romantic, and they did, but he was not really wanting that and was reluctant so she turned up the pressure. He describes this as the "boiling frog" analogy as so many people have mentioned.

The abusive behavior began here starting with verbal abuse, tantrums, monitoring who he was or wasn't allowed to speak to, triangulation and so on and this escalated to hitting him, harassment, threats, blackmail.

It staggered me that she was able to get away with it, but I think she did it by playing the victim very well (a lot of tears and poor me stories), and by making him feel good / special / wanted. She would more or less terrify him with her scary behavior but then come crying and ask him to look after her because she was weak / vulnerable / needy.

It played on all his weaknesses really and it took her doing something really extreme for him to end things with her because he felt quite trapped. Ending things with her has been close to impossible because she continues to use the same tactics.

He's being treated for depression and anxiety now, because I think she mentally broke him. He does see she was abusive, but for a very long time he had two versions of her in his head. One was the nice one who looked after him and needed him to be her hero, and the other one was quite terrifying.

He also, for whatever reason, has been led to believe the abuse was his fault. No matter what I do, he still thinks he "led her on" and that's why she went so man. She is very good at making him feel she is the victim. He says he feels sorry for her because she is weak and damaged and she uses this (months after things have ended) to manipulate him.

He still feels a shudder and sense of anxiety when a car drives past his house, but he doesn't seem to realise that's not a normal way to feel about your ex girlfriend who is allegedly weak and damaged.

Trauma bonds play a part, also he had familiar experiences before, low self esteem and is generally easy to manipulate. I feel like this woman ruined his life really and if she were a man she would definitely be locked up for her threatening behavior

I've just started an excellent and properly-researched book written by an ex-copper, Jane Monckton Smith, called In Control - Dangerous Relationships and How They End In Murder.

@maximumfactor
I am so sorry for what happened to your brother. This seems to be a very common script for how abusers target their prey. They lovebomb and become your "best friend" to gain your trust to groom you for abuse.

He did not deserve the abuse or ask for it even if he believes he led her on. He feels sorry for her because he is compassionate and has empathy, but that is what abusers exploit in their victims.

People like your brother's abuser seem to be able to sense those vulnerable to manipulation and coercion and they can engineer a situation that makes them look like the victim and the other person had "led them on".

I hope your brother recovers from this traumatic experience and puts this horrible chapter of his life behind him.