Why do people not recognise when they are in an abusive relationship?

[Appropriateactionneeded]

This is just from my own personal experience. I was my ex for years, a very abusive relationship.. The final straw was a punch in the face. I had social workers telling me I was being abused that DD was being abused.. But why didn't I recognise it during the time. I only truly fully understand what abuse is now that I'm out of this relationship whilst in it I had no understanding at all.. I consider myself reasonably intelligent, degree educated, good job, good mother.. Why didn't I see what was happening?
I'm almost a year out of the awful and toxic environment.. The question has struck a chord in me today as my ex and I are part way through the family court and have to write witness statements, the way in which I write my statements now is that I have a full understanding of what abuse is and was in my relationship with my ex.. Where as before I didn't..
Just wondering if anyone has ever thought the same?

That other people know.

When I was with my XH (emotionally abusive), most of our circle of friends comprised men he'd known since school and their wives who I'd become friends with over the years.

I was convinced if I left him they would think I was lying/mad.

When I eventually did the stock reaction was 'What took you so long', even from his closest friends who recognised that while he was a brilliant friend to them, he really wasn't a good husband to me.

I am still on good terms with all of them (as is he) and see his best friend, who is also DDs Godfather, regularly in non covid times.

@YNK

I felt sorry for mine and hoped to heal him with my devotion.

He phoned me a couple of years ago (after we were separated for 17y)with a sinister voice saying "I will destroy you! You will have no family and no friends" I laughed and said "your an oap, not Don Corleone" - big mistake not to take him seriously!

I'm now estranged from my adult children and the grandson who lived with me for 7y.

How and why did he achieve this? I'm shocked and sad for you.

@Twatterati

I WISH so much that they taught this stuff throughout school

YES YES YES Boundaries education at a young age could change so many lives.

I came on here to mention the boiling frog too. It is only with hindsight that I could see the abuse and red flags from earlier in our relationship cos it was more low key. I also was very vulnerable and had poor boundaries due to childhood abuse and autism.

I ended up in a long marriage with a gaslighting alcoholic whose behaviour was motivated by his prioritising himself and his addiction, and he needed a caretaker. I was vulnerable to this because of my upbringing which was on the surface pretty normal but deeper down seriously unhealthy in terms of not talking about and addressing issues, punishing people with withdrawing if a difficult conversation was raised. It took me years and years to recognise it. Now we’re divorced and I have a much clearer perspective. I fully encourage my children to be open and talk about anything because I was very much discouraged from doing so and it damaged me.

I remember as a girl listening to grownups say that the only reason to leave a husband is if he hits you, drinks, gambles or is unfaithful. I was smart enough even then to know that there is much more to relationship and life than that, and used to say that good divorce is better then bad marriage. However, after I got married, things changed. I found myself in an unhappy relationship but my DH was indeed neither of the aforementioned things, and so I stayed with him for 25 years, hoping I will get used to it and learn how to be happy. What he would do is mock me, patronize me, never let me have anything I wanted unless he wanted it too, but it was so subtle that I could not even fight back. He never raises his voice or anything like that, it all looks like a conversation. But in reality, he is controlling me in many ways and I feel like I am not living the life I wanted, like I am in a sort of a prison in my own life. When I finally talked to him, last year at this time, he was shocked and said:” You act like I am abusing you?” Obviously thinking that abuse is if you hit someone or force her to have sex with your or something. I looked at him and said:” Well, you know, you kind of do.” We are still together, but our marriage is in crises and it is just a matter of time before it ends (I still have not found a courage to do it). The thing is, not a day goes by that I do not question myself, my feelings, my sanity. Am I imagining all this, am I going crazy, maybe it is not so bad, maybe I am hormonal? On and on it goes…. These things are complex and deeply ingrained into our beings. It is very difficult to break out of it.

I think for most people the abuse creeps up on them. And it becomes your normal. You keep hoping for the episodes of calm to be a turning point in the relationship, that maybe now he’ll be like this forever and you can have the marriage you imagined.

A lot of the time you minimise as well, at least he doesn’t hit me, other couples must have more sex, it was my fault I argued back.

Then there’s being so enmeshed, how do you even begin to untangle merged finances, kids, the possibility of starting over on your own with DC. And a lot of the time the thought of an abusive ex having child contact is terrifying, at least if you stay married you can be there and shield your DC as much as possible from their father (I’m speaking from the point of the woman in a relationship here so please don’t NAMALT).

Also from a financial view point many many times the woman does take the financial hit of bringing up a young family, mothers try to do jobs that work around their children which tend to largely be low paying, or they’re SAHM and you don’t realise quite how controlling the H is until it feels like there’s no way out.

And then you love him too, you keep making excuses because you want him desperately to be the man you fell in love with.

And I think there is also a lot of shame and embarrassment in being a ‘victim’ of DV, most women I know who are women who were in DV relationships are strong, clever, intelligent women. And I know it shouldn’t be like that but lots of women are asked ‘why didn’t you leave earlier’ which does nothing but make you feel like an idiot and as if you have to justify yourself when you don’t even know the answer yourself.
And being treated like a wanton Jezebel by your married friends who think you’re out to get their man the second you become single which I think lead some women also to be afraid of being alone and think it’s better to be married then single. Like yes I really want your fat balding middle aged lechy husband after the stunning relationship experience I have just broken free of. 🙄

Then there’s the thought of having ‘wasted’ the years you spent in the relationship and you desperately don’t want it to be a waste of two years, four years, ten years etc.

It’s not one thing it’s a combination of everything.

Society as a whole is pretty judgemental of single/divorced women. That’s my experience anyway.

Amongst other factors, Trauma Bonding is a huge factor in staying. As is social conditioning of women and girls and stigma surrounding DV.

I didn't realise I was in an abusive relationship at the time either. It was only after I left and looking back that I can see the situation for what it was. I'm actually ashamed and embarrassed that I put up with his shit for so long, he was a nasty piece of work. I still speak to his sister and she has, on occasion, told me what his life is like now and I actually find myself feeling sorry for him.

It seems lots of us have been there @NameChange74567, only realising when you are out of the fog that it was in fact abuse.

A coworker once made a joke about my abuser being abusive to me when he witnessed him being patronizing and condescending to me. I think he was actually warning me at the time.

I am a doctor and also have been in an abusive marriage and look back in a horrified way thinking what was wrong with me?? I agree with the trauma bonding, boiling frog and also the constant cycle of abuse so just when you’re thinking of getting out, he acts like a normal decent person for a second and you start to think you’ve imagined the whole thing. Also agree that society in general is misogynistic and models in TV/movies/books etc very unhealthy relationships (big dramatic romantic gestures, jealousy etc all being seen as positive instead of alarming) and props up these relationships by certain behaviours in public not being called out for what they are or being blamed on the woman eg a friend of my ex’s asked me “why do you met him treat you like this?”. I don’t let him. He just does it. My only option is stay or leave. But she was still his friend... I also agree that having specific education about red flags at school would have made me pay more attention more quickly.

Let not met!

And yes they are good at pretending to be very decent people to others which also makes you question your perception.

God my ex was the master of charm. Watching him with others.. I feel sick thinking about it.

Boiling frog is the definitive analogy

@Appropriateactionneeded

Boiling frog is the definitive analogy

I don't think it is. There's a lot of situations where it's a good analogy, but there's also a lot where it's not. A lot of abusers are the perfect partner until some change comes about, like the victim moves are and is more isolated, or moves in with the abuser, or falls pregnant, or gives up work.

My abuser flipped like a switch. It was hideous, I felt like I was dealing with a really nasty person, and needed my lovely partner to turn to, but they were gone. Overnight. I saw the lovely person again only when we were in company from then on, and would fall in love all over again, until we were back in the car and the sneering and nasty belittling comments would start about how I'd ruined the whole night.

It's not unusual to be more like a frog chucked on a red hot barbeque than into a pan of cold water.

I don't feel like I was abused yet I was sexually, physically, mentally and verbally abused by my mother. It was normal and I don't know when it started. I know not everyone has this story but people can be very vulnerable and made to comply at a young age. Add gaslighting in and you're ready to go. There's an analogy about a frog gradually being boiled in water where the water starts off cold and very gradually gets hot.
I'm at a psych at the mo for this reason.

I had a very difficult mother and her own mother, who was a very kind woman, pulled me aside in my teens and told me to make sure I got away from her because there was something up with her behaviour and that she was abusive to me. It turned out to be the most helpful thing an adult had ever said to me. Gran was entirely right, as time eventually told. If you are born into a family where abusive behaviour is present, it is very hard indeed to 'see' the abuse - you are primed to love your parents even if they are not good for you.

@Whatflavourjellybabyisnice

I don't feel like I was abused yet I was sexually, physically, mentally and verbally abused by my mother. It was normal and I don't know when it started. I know not everyone has this story but people can be very vulnerable and made to comply at a young age. Add gaslighting in and you're ready to go. There's an analogy about a frog gradually being boiled in water where the water starts off cold and very gradually gets hot. I'm at a psych at the mo for this reason.

Were you aware at the time that it felt horrible, even though you wouldn't have labelled it abuse?

This fascinates me too. How do we get ourselves into such a terrible situation and why do we stay in it for so long? I spent nearly two decades of my life in misery, apparently without even realising it except for a nagging sense that something was wrong. Which is a bit like someone limping up the road with one leg hanging off and an arrow shot through their back, having a vague sense that something is wrong and I am not stupid!

Agree with all the above. Interesting posts.

For me, it was a mix of factors including:
Low expectations (based on seeing mum in a bad marriage)
Doubting my own judgement (bullied by my dad, etc)
Social pressures ("the grass is never greener" etc)
General cultural assumptions that all marriages are crap
Thinking "abuse" must refer to something worse/deliberate
He might not survive without me (he was spectacularly helpless/needy)
He knew what buttons to press to make me feel stupid (i.e. unable to make such a massive decision because I couldn't trust my sanity)
I wanted him to agree with me that we'd be better off splitting up, and he never would (because of course it suited him just fine!)
etc

@Eckhart yes to a point. I felt disgusted and violated but I now know thanks to my psych that I was made to 'override' my emotions and thoughts and doubt myself. Whenever I said anything remotely about the abuse to her or others, my mum called me a liar and said it never happened. Top narcissist trick. I'm only recently getting to know how bad she is and how controlling she is.
My dad never intervened knowing my mum was taking my clothes off and being inappropriate. With the gaslighting that's enough to make a child believe that their own mind is telling a lie.
I was always told to feel grateful because of the opportunities including private school and musical instrument lessons. Both of which I hated.
My mum said I'd be nothing without her and that mums that didn't give their kids these things didn't care about them and shouldn't be trusted.
According to a teacher at my school that I got in touch with recently, the teachers knew I was a victim of abuse at home but couldn't so anything.
He apologised profusely.
I have depersonalisation and derealisation syndrome now as a result and am constantly dissociating as a result amongst lots of other things.
My current psychodynamic clinical psychologist is fantastic and I am incredibly amazed at her attentiveness and accuracy. This has partly to do with the fact that I am in shock that I'm being listened to and validated. Something I never had as a child.
My mother repeated alot of what happened in her childhood.

My psych told me like numbness, my brain is trying to protect me from reality. It's a form of denial and she said it's because I 'don't want to believe that mummy would ever do that to me' which echoes something someone else said about biology and parents being there to protect you and how a child instinctively trusts them to look after their needs.

whatflavour 💐 I'm so sorry for what happened to you as a child.

@halfhope

whatflavour 💐 I'm so sorry for what happened to you as a child.

That's lovely thanks. I still can't (literally) believe it happened obviously It was made to be a very, very normal occurrence. It wouldn't surprise me if I was molested before my earliest memories of ot happening (about 3 or 4). The NHS is an absolute asset. It took a long time to get to this stage of mental health help and also some knowledge of what to ask for and also to communicate what the problem was and what happened (a big one for me. You have to unlock repressed memories and open the subconscious). Luckily I did alot of research.

@Whatflavourjellybabyisnice

Thanks for answering. It sounds horrible, what you went through. I'm so glad you've got someone now, not only to listen to you and validate you, but to demonstrate to you what listening and validating actually is, and what it feels like.

I didn't have the same experience as you, but having a counsellor demonstrate those things to me changed my life, in my 40s.

I felt disgusted and violated but I now know thanks to my psych that I was made to 'override' my emotions and thoughts and doubt myself

I totally understand this. It makes my blood boil that nobody is teaching kids at school about what to do if they feel that way. It could save so many from growing up and settling into abusive relationships, none the wiser. It's not even a hard lesson, but if you haven't learned it and it hasn't been demonstrated to you, you don't know that you don't know it.

I want to start a charity to give this vital information to kids when they're tiny.