Why do people not recognise when they are in an abusive relationship?

[Appropriateactionneeded]

This is just from my own personal experience. I was my ex for years, a very abusive relationship.. The final straw was a punch in the face. I had social workers telling me I was being abused that DD was being abused.. But why didn't I recognise it during the time. I only truly fully understand what abuse is now that I'm out of this relationship whilst in it I had no understanding at all.. I consider myself reasonably intelligent, degree educated, good job, good mother.. Why didn't I see what was happening?
I'm almost a year out of the awful and toxic environment.. The question has struck a chord in me today as my ex and I are part way through the family court and have to write witness statements, the way in which I write my statements now is that I have a full understanding of what abuse is and was in my relationship with my ex.. Where as before I didn't..
Just wondering if anyone has ever thought the same?

There are some very good videos on youtube like 'crappy childhood fairy' and 'Kati Morton' along with Freudian (adjusted) channels made by psychoanalysts that are very helpful. I read loads of clinical psychology books too. I read the latter to try and understand how my psych works and how she sees me. They don't judge. I subconsciously thought the psych would be thinking that I'm a liar.
Thanks @Eckhart. I assume you watch Eckhart Tolle as I do. That has been a key factor in my recovery.

For me it was because he had times of being nice and I thought the bad times weren't bad enough to justify the awful times. I only realised from Mumsnet ans reading the Lundy Bancroft book. Even then I was shocked and too scared to tell him. Like he conditioned me to think that because he never hit me anything else was ok. I look back now and want to give myself a shake. The signs were there early on. Many lessons learned. He is still completely convinced he is not the problem despite his latest girlfriend and baby moving out.

A charity like that would be brilliant.

@moirarosebabay I know exactly what you are talking about with that. You have my sympathies xxx

I still don't know if I was abused - I tend to no, there was never anything physical, no threats needed, I just went along with everything because it seemed like the right thing 'for the family' at the time, every time.

Yet, following ending the relationship, I've had to write a full accounting of the relationship and everything that happened for the lawyer, and he's aghast, and looking back, everyone who I spoke to about even little sections of our lives, is a bit shocked, and reading it back to myself, I struggle with why someone would do that to themselves and the kids (repeatedly moving country, leaving almost everything behind each time), yet I also see that I did it, that it didn't seem that bad at the time, or at least not bad enough to stick my heels in.

Until I of course I did, and everything fell apart.

at least not bad enough to stick my heels in

I think this is a key thing. We're conditioned to think that our emotional response isn't enough to warrant us saying 'STOP', so we look for something else, and if we've not been physically abused, there's nothing concrete you can actually say. Emotional abuse can be so subtle.

I knew... the entire time! But I was terrified of him. I was right to be.

I knew... the entire time! But I was terrified of him. I was right to be.

Yes - clear cut abuse, but trapped. So much more serious vs. me, who was self-confining, honestly my own fault for letting it happen, vs someone who was actively abused.

Yours is a legal problem - it needs to be dealt with by society finding out how to punish these men and free the women. Mine is a social one - how to educate women to not accept it, to understand that it's fine to end a relationship for little things too.

I didn’t realise as I used to shout back and situations (trying to talk about finances/his drinking/employment/pulling his weight) would escalate into full blown rows where by the end it seemed like it was mutual and I’d feel equally responsible. I would always wonder why I couldn’t raise anything with him without it turning into world war 3, and why I was so unhappy and anxious. I knew it wasn’t normal that I would wait until his friends were round before I asked him to do something like take the bins out. But he told me I was a miserable, nagging psycho and for a long time I believed it was me who was the problem.

Only when we split and I made a conscious decision not to react to him could I see the abuse- when it was one sided, when asking him something utterly reasonable would unleash a torrent of fury on me. Now looking back, writing it all out for the solicitor, I just cannot believe what I put up with from that man.

I think it's very unhelpful that the usual narrative (even on this thread) is of someone who 'tests' you and 'picks' certain people. Of course some are like that, and sounds like they are the most dangerous. But many more are going to be more like mine - men (or women) who themselves had damaged childhoods or picked up bad expectations or behaviours but who are in other ways decent and well-meaning people. You always read how the abuser will 'try to isolate you' and you think - well, my DH isn't trying to isolate me, he's very socially anxious and I feel bad going without him, especially because he worries himself sick when I'm out late, so I'll just stay home. And then when your partner, who will patiently listen to you talk for hours about work drama, and cherished you through your pregnancy, and stays up all night to care for sick animals found on the road, gets really really angry, and pushes you, because you made them feel stupid when you laughed at them, you realise it was because of their low self esteem and crappy childhood that this gentle guy got cross, so you tiptoe around that too. Similarly when he wants to manage the finances, because you foolishly forgot to sort a direct debit, so he'll take care of it all now. And he wants sex and you know that if you say no he'll respect that, but if you say yes, he will be the lovely guy you love to hang out with, and you're tired of being on eggshells so you say yes even though you don't feel like it

That guy doesn't think he's abusive. Maybe he feels embarrassed about the push, but it wasn't painful and he's a good guy. And his partner probably doesn't see he's abusive either, she sees how he's been damaged and loves the other side of him, the one she sees less of these days, because she's been busy with work and the kids and less of a good wife.

Incidentally, this is why I don't like the Caroline Flack adoration on here. Of course she was fragile and had low self esteem and could be lovely to her mum, that applies to the majority of abusers, male or female - that she died by suicide is a tragedy for her and her family, but the #bekind thing makes a mockery of domestic abuse.

We're kind of trained to see people like Disney characters - either all bad or all good. Abusers are never all bad because real life isn't like that. So we struggle to recognise patterns of abuse and instead see a good person with flaws.

Once you understand abuse dynamics, boundaries, healthy relationships it's much clearer but it's really hard to see that kind of thing when you're entrenched in it.

Plus your brain will kind of "trick" you to avoid you being too traumatised. While you're living in a stressful/dangerous situation you won't be aware of the danger at all times, only at times when red flags (e.g. for a violent or aggressive episode) are popping up.

YY to what Rubicon said as well. Sometimes the narrative about abuse is unhelpful because someone who is very involved in the relationship with their abuser won't be able to see it.

@OverTheRubicon

I've wondered this. People who use abusive behaviours don't always do it on purpose, so I assume they must do it to lots of people, but simply get swiftly dumped by those with strong, healthy boundaries. So, those of us who have been trained to be kind, accommodating, forgiving, self deprecating, self critical, and even to some extent self aware, are the only sorts of people who will stay with them.

Abuse is a relationship dynamic. The victim needs to see the difference between blame and responsibility; the abuser is at fault, but the responsibility for the victim's wellbeing lies with the victim, and their recognition that they need to get away from the abuser, whether the abuser agrees or not.

I've been wondering for a long time if my husband is abusive. Many years ago he did physically assault me, but I forgave him and it never happened again, although I have seen the anger a few times. But it's always been more subtle. Examples would be he was always late back from work if I had an arrangement with a friend and the kids were too young to leave. I know for a fact he could have been in time but he never was (he and gone for "1drink" at the pub. He was only a bit late. I was being unreasonable). He was also late if he ever had to pick the kids up from school/nursery so I stopped asking. For reference he's never late for football or something he wants to do.
If I got annoyed about something he'd done he'd get far angrier that I had got angry- I'm out angried every time!
He makes stuff up to make himself sound good and me sound unreasonable. I would sit there in confusion thinking "is that true?"
I could go on, and I'm pleased to say I have told him I don't want to be married to him any more. He's currently being so fucking nice and reasonable I could scream.

I think there are a couple of other factors. We tend to see see partners as 'good' so everything is viewed through that lens and we see each incident in isolation, which can then be 'explained'- they're stressed, tired etc. To be able to see the pattern, we'd have to be able to consider the possibility that they're not good first, and I think a lot of their early behaviour sets us up to feel we're bad if we judge them.

The other issue is about being able to name behaviours - affect labelling. If you grow up in a family where you're told you're wrong, that you're too sensitive, they didn't mean it etc, you don't learn to connect the feelings with the words, it's as if they're stored in different parts of the brain without connecting. I think we have a sense that something is wrong but without being able to name it, it's very difficult to articulate even to oneself what the issue is..

Once we leave and someone external helps us identify that maybe the person isn't all good, we can start to see the pattern but often we need specialist help to develop the language to describe what's been going on, especially if it's subtle and manipulative rather than physical.

@Mmmmdanone yes mine was like this - then would jokingly say he was henpecked. He would also ruin family days out if anyone but him suggested destination/activity. He had a massive sulk when I organised a surprise trip to London for his birthday with family. He didn’t want to do that, he wanted something different and just totally refused to join in and make the best of it. His automatic response is to say no if I suggest anything. My DSis invited us to France to stay in her house and visit WW1 battle sites (something he is really interested in). He said no so I went on my own - was he ever shocked! His worst behaviour though is on planes when he shoves people out of the way so he can get off before him or sighs and tuts because he can’t get past. He hates queuing for anything too.

Education is teaching this now-it’s in the new compulsory relationships part.

First of all abuse comes with manipulation and control so they want you to feel like you're not being abused. Secondly, if we all were consciously aware of it then I suppose there wouldn't be that many of us in those type of relationships.

Lastly, my personal experience, I did know but I was too scared to admit it or do anything about it and when I did and I was screaming it from the roofs, no one immediately believed me because I stayed so long.

I think its all very individual but I'm glad you're out and have recognised it and hopefully you won't ever be in that situation again x

@MrsDukeOfHastings

First of all abuse comes with manipulation and control so they want you to feel like you're not being abused. Secondly, if we all were consciously aware of it then I suppose there wouldn't be that many of us in those type of relationships.

Lastly, my personal experience, I did know but I was too scared to admit it or do anything about it and when I did and I was screaming it from the roofs, no one immediately believed me because I stayed so long.

I think its all very individual but I'm glad you're out and have recognised it and hopefully you won't ever be in that situation again x

Good way of clarifying it.

@Whatflavourjellybabyisnice I'm not sure if you were being sarcastic so apologies if you wasn't but I wasn't clarifying it I was just saying from my personal experience and looking back how I thought about it. Everyone's experiences are different and unfortunately there are too many experiences x

When I was taking to my therapist about some of my H's behaviour she said "hurt people, hurt people" - which I get and sort of helped but also sort of meant I felt like he can't help it and can't be blamed/held responsible (to be fair to her she didn't mean it this way and she was not excusing him in any way).

The PP who posted about having a partner that has a lot of unresolved issues/childhood trauma really resonated with me.

There is no shouting or physical abuse here, but I have a very strong sense that I am unreasonable, over critical and should not really every have any complaints about him as it's too painful for him.

All my friends think I'm awful for being unhappy as he's such a nice guy. When I say I'm unhappy they keep suggesting we just spend more time together.

I feel constantly that it's probably my fault I'm so unhappy and that I am the unreasonable one - perhaps even the one dishing out the abuse. Who knows maybe I am.

It's like a dripping tap...drip drip drip and then one day it's a flood and you realise.

[quote MrsDukeOfHastings]@Whatflavourjellybabyisnice I'm not sure if you were being sarcastic so apologies if you wasn't but I wasn't clarifying it I was just saying from my personal experience and looking back how I thought about it. Everyone's experiences are different and unfortunately there are too many experiences x[/quote]
No sarcasm here. The way you described it fitted for me.
I understand what you say to a point about the personal experience.

@Whatflavourjellybabyisnice ah I'm sorry, I think I can no longer understand that not everything is a negative! I'm sorry you went through it too and I hope things are better for you now x

Another thing that might be worth mentioning is that we think in terms of a lifetime commitment... and don't necessarily consider how long that might turn out to be. My mum was unhappy half a century ago, but chose to put a brave face on it and carry on. My parents are now in their 90s and I wonder if she sometimes wishes she had quit decades ago, when she was mobile and not in constant pain (back injury) and had a chance to enjoy life.