Over-worked, exhausted School Teacher DH and lack of empathy/love

[Slambam]

My DH is a school teacher with extra responsibilities. I met him at work myself where I was also teaching at the time.

We had 2 children and I left teaching entirely to set up my own craft business. I am so much happier now.

DH however used to be a gentle giant. Sweet, sensitive and loving. In recent years, he has become very bogged down with work (possibly since DCs) and makes very little time for me in the evenings "because it's so busy, I need to work."

The expectations on school teachers are immense and I think inhumane. They have to be very robotic, non-emotional, straight-headed all the time and this had a massive impact on me when I was teaching. I felt completely out of touch with myself.

Over time DH has become cold, unsympathetic, non-caring. I was upset last night about something (tried my best not to cry but ultimately ended up sobbing). This doesn't happen regularly. DH looked at me coldly and said "what do you need me to do?" I told him that I didn't need him to DO anything and he said "well, I'd better go upstairs then, I've got work to do."

I'm devastated that he has treated me like this. He has no time for affection, love, talking. Nothing. Any spare time he does have, he uses it to play golf or go out on his motorbike.

He can be affectionate with DCs- hugs them and tells them he loves them, but if they need him at an inconvenient time, he can be very cold. My daughter recently accused him of being so.

I know he has a very demanding job, but this is a miserable way to live.

Are there other partners of teachers here in a similar boat?

I think you're looking for any excuse to blame his behaviour on.

A job doesn't stop you empathising with your wife when she is in tears.

More likely he had always been a cold bastard, just hidden it in the beginning so that he could reel you in.

He has checked out if your marriage. It has nothing to do with teaching because if it were that then he would be making time for you. Instead he enjoys single man hobbies at the expense of family time.

Your kid has him sussed out. She's a smart cookie. Maybe take a leaf out of her book and stand up for yourself.

I was a teacher for years. It was hideously stressful and overworked, and l often didn’t have much energy to engage at home.

BUT, I didn’t like being like that at all. I loved Dh and dc and would spend all spare time with them enjoying them as much as l could.

It’s a tough job, but it’s him, not the job

Is he resentful that your job is so enjoyable?

In the end, no matter why he's like this, he is like this and you shouldn't be expected to put up with it.

Perhaps suggest couples counselling?

DH is a teacher and Head of Department. His job is enormously stressful. He works a lot of extra hours. He's always exhausted apart from in the holidays.
He is still kind to me, and loving and affectionate with the kids though. He has put a time-consuming hobby on hold for a few years because it would take too much time away from family and he prioritises us.
I'm a SAHM and when I return to work (hopefully next year) I'm hoping he can drop to 4 days a week and regain some sanity.
But no, I don't think you can blame your DH's attitude entirely on his job.

"He has put a time-consuming hobby on hold for a few years because it would take too much time away from family and he prioritises us."

This really stood out to me @manxomeFoe it makes complete sense to do this when children are little and plan to return to it later on when they're less needy when you have a demanding career to boot.

I'm persistently told that he "deserves down time" Don't we all?

Your post has given this a lot of perspective for me. Thank you x

I feel for both of you, really. As a teacher I bet he is under enormous stress. Is he also the breadwinner?

It does sound like you are expecting a fair bit of emotional labour from him, which is not completely unreasonable to expect from your spouse. But the man has to recharge at some point. I couldn't do such a stressful job then come home and meet the emotional demands of children and an upset spouse without burning out eventually.

@Slambam
Would you DH be open to changing career or changing job? Obviously a career change wouldn't happen overnight but even taking steps towards it could help. Sounds like he could also be depressed. Irritability is a key depression symptom.

Do you earn the same amount of money with your craft business as you earned at your peak as a teacher, and is it as stable an income as teaching was? Your DH could understandably be feeling trapped and resentful if he feels the weight of responsibility on his shoulders to maintain his stressful pressured job/salary to maintain family finances since you've gone ahead and moved yourself to an easier and lower paying job.

I completely agree with the recharging point of the previous poster. As an introvert, i absolutely need alone/recreation time to be able to recharge, without it I simply can't cope. For your husband it seems to be golf/motorbike. It's an instrinsic part of being introvert that I can't change. Dealing with someone else's stress and emotional demands on top of a hugely pressurising job would push me to breaking point.

His behaviour doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Note that he was very different when his job was actually sane. What it means is that his mental and emotional self care has taken a nosedive over a prolonged period and this needs to be fixed (his job situation needs to change) and things will be back to the way they were.

It sounds like his job is a stressful situation that has just become impossible for him to maintain. Do you earn roughly the same in your craft business as he does teaching? If he could go down to four or three days, then he could do the extra work (marking, admin etc) on his non-classroom days, and would be less stressed for you and the children. You might need to earn more to allow for this, but seems a better solution than the whole marriage falling apart.

I know a couple of teachers who were absolutely burnt out by the job & had nothing left to give at home. Both ended up very unwell. Can you encourage him to look at other careers? Perhaps take a step back in terms of his responsibilities at work.

I'm not sure it's about the teaching. There are loads of posts on here all the time from women whose husbands are acting exactly like this, whatever their job.

I'm an academic so I totally understand long hours and needing to recharge but not to the extent you're talking about, not to the point where I couldn't be there for my husband if he was upset.

Does he actually like his job? Would he be willing to scale back? It sounds like you need to have a big discussion about everything.

I earn around half his salary.
Something had to give, as I was feeling the weight of the home in addition to teaching. There were a lot of arguments about the unequal share of domestic duties and childcare.
I basically stepped down and pushed my craft business (which I was already doing loosely on the side) and took on the burden of the home/childcare to give us both a bit more breathing space.
If I increase my working hours before both DCs are in school, we'll be in the same boat as before, living resentfully because I'm doing the lion's share at home and working a demanding career.
Nore options open up when both DCs are in school. I'm in full support of him changing career, which would mean a decrease in income. I've said I'm happy to downsize to enable this, but DH says he is not.

He hates his job.

I hated mine when l was teaching. I think that’s his problem. Teaching sucks your soul out.

I too think that's the root of the problem. (I'm a teacher too, and the pressure now is even worse than it is in normal times).
Perhaps he was just too full of stress to deal with anything more, so retreated - I may be wrong.
But, either way, you both need to talk about how you are feeling.

I couldn’t speak either when l got home. My head would be ringing. I honestly had to lie in the silent dark for 1/2 an hour just to recover.

And I’d spend all Sunday dreading going back.

"He hates his job". This could be the underlying issue. I'm a teacher, though now in a role that carries more responsibility but allows me to manage my workload better, plus I work only 4 days.

Teaching is very intensive and demanding, as you know OP. I've always thought it is the kind of job you need to love to keep going at it. A lot of teachers are fervently committed to their work. I love it but I also have off times when it stresses and depresses me. During those, I get why people give it up.

Maybe a career change IS the answer? Though no good if he won't consider it. Or a promotion that puts him in a place where he can exercise more control? Or a different school where the ethos is more supportive to staff? Schools vary considerably. My current boss is the most amazing, understanding but committed I've ever known.

I can relate to needing a dark room for a while after returning home too. It was sensory overload for me.

But I still made time for loving connection during evenings and weekends. I wonder just how bad it is now for DH to be totally cold, I've heard from others that the job now is totally horrific.

He says he refuses to change schools as he believes "the grass won't be greener." He's quite defeatist.
He was asked to apply for a deputy head role, but he turned it down. I think he would find it much better in a more senior role as atleast he won't have to do as much teaching.
He's never worked at any other school and is convinced he's at one of the easier ones having heard stories from others. 😪

He needs to look for another school. I have moved a fair amount in my teaching career, and in every school there are people who have a sort of Stockholm syndrome - are deeply unhappy and enmeshed in the life of the school but point blank refuse to consider leaving. I get itchy feet every three or four years and go to pastures new, I like my current school but don’t see myself there for longer than 5 years I reckon 🤷‍♀️

He sounds like so many teachers I know. The stress has them about to tip over into nervous breakdown territory.

So you gave up your job to craft. Now he' probably feels stuck in a job he hates because you jumped first and halved your salary. If he's stressed out his head I'm not surprised he can't be arsed with your crying

I’m also married to a teacher who is stressed and grumpy when we walks through the door. He isn’t exactly a ray of sunshine at times. He is also a Head of Dept but is lucky that he doesn’t need to bring much work home. I have a friend who is married to a teacher who has let the teaching take over his entire life! It seems like there is something else going on here though - you need to sit him down and get to the root cause of his coldness and lack of affection and care.