Over-worked, exhausted School Teacher DH and lack of empathy/love

[Slambam]

My DH is a school teacher with extra responsibilities. I met him at work myself where I was also teaching at the time.

We had 2 children and I left teaching entirely to set up my own craft business. I am so much happier now.

DH however used to be a gentle giant. Sweet, sensitive and loving. In recent years, he has become very bogged down with work (possibly since DCs) and makes very little time for me in the evenings "because it's so busy, I need to work."

The expectations on school teachers are immense and I think inhumane. They have to be very robotic, non-emotional, straight-headed all the time and this had a massive impact on me when I was teaching. I felt completely out of touch with myself.

Over time DH has become cold, unsympathetic, non-caring. I was upset last night about something (tried my best not to cry but ultimately ended up sobbing). This doesn't happen regularly. DH looked at me coldly and said "what do you need me to do?" I told him that I didn't need him to DO anything and he said "well, I'd better go upstairs then, I've got work to do."

I'm devastated that he has treated me like this. He has no time for affection, love, talking. Nothing. Any spare time he does have, he uses it to play golf or go out on his motorbike.

He can be affectionate with DCs- hugs them and tells them he loves them, but if they need him at an inconvenient time, he can be very cold. My daughter recently accused him of being so.

I know he has a very demanding job, but this is a miserable way to live.

Are there other partners of teachers here in a similar boat?

My DH and I are teachers. We have stopped bringing home work. We refuse to stay late every day. We refuse to go in on our weekends anymore or during the holiday. We work out set hours and do very little extra.
We both had management points (TLRs) but gave them back and in the three year process of losing them now.
I care about the kids I teach and for many years prioritised them, but no more. Strangers children CANNOT come before our own family.

So basically your husband needs to do less. He will not be thanked for the extra he does.

My school were shocked when I started to say no. But there’s absolutely nothing they can do about it. They tried to guilt me...don’t you care? Well actually, not that much anymore.

Teaching is an awful, awful job if you let it run away with you. Your husband needs to remember that’s all it is...a job.

I think they both want a traditional life but the difference is that he doesn't actually enjoy it. He loves having his meals cooked and his children looked after. Being free to do his hobbies. He just doesn't want to do an actual career in order to have this. I think he would be very happy for the OP to work full time AND do all the childcare and housework. I think he's a cocklodger in waiting personally.

An angry resentful one who wants to be mr big but hasn't got what it takes. He's not happy with his lot in life. Some people just aren't. These boards are full of men who have ended up with families they then don't want to be involved in. Why they have children in the first place I'll never know as many spend their time pining for the freedom they think a single man has.

I've met so many married men who whine about how they never get to do what they want, there's no sex or adventure, their wife doesnt appreciate all that they do (bugger all usually). It seems for some men the idea of sacrifice is just so horrific they can't cope. It's quite something. Then they end up divorced and bitter. With less money doing far more housework and childcare 😂😂. And finding that beautiful models aren't lining up to shag them 😂.

Hi OP.

I will try and answer your questions.

-ages 1pre schooler and 1 middleish years primary
-i was working part time. I got topped up by tax credits. And lived very frugally for 2 years or so. When the youngest hit primary i upped hours to get out of rented and onto property ladder again.
-Split was approx 60/40
-Yes he is a much better dad now i am pleased to say and we coparent happily
-Yes several years on i am happy and settled with someone else. But i was also very happy alone.

He divorced me quickly as he was furious with. Partly because i think they are unhappy and hide in work but tell you its all for you and the family. But for many years ive had done anything to have him present and with us in family moments-including being poor or having to work more
Myself. When you leave they have to confront their own unhappiness not just yours.

Can you try marriage counselling to try and get over with support just how desperate things are?

Leaving is a tough choice and a long road. To sustain it you have to know you tried everything. But likewise you have choices and do not need to be unhappy forever with someone who wont change or hear your cries for help.

@Slambam

Wow. "A role which men are equally capable of." There lies the problem. Again, you're disparaging the role of the Mother when it comes to young children, which is incomparable to that of a man. Of course a man can do it, but Mothers have their own place in society and to deny so is sexist and incredibly unfeminist despite views that to be feminist you have to work full time and throw your kids in to childcare.

@Slambam 100% agree with this. Unfortunately you will get an angry brigade of women on here for daring to acknowledge that women are equal but different from men, and suggesting that as a feminist she can think for herself and actually make a choice to live her life where her career is important, however her own young children are the priority above her career.

I don't know where this sentiment comes from that women must only make a certain choice THEY approve of. It's very anti feminist.

@Suagar How exactly is the OP showing her career (teaching) is important though? She's left it?!

@Trustisamust OP has changed career. She's no longer a teacher and plans to progress her craft based career when her children have started full time school. The craft based career that she currently works part time at now. A craft doesn't mean pritt sticking lollipop sticks together (although if you can earn a decent wage from that, why not!?), she probably dedicates a lot of time an effort into a self made business as well as looking after her kids. She sounds great.

My husband is a teacher, secondary. Tough subject with added responsibilities. He finds it very wearing and exhausting (fulfilling too), but he comes home and talks to me about it. He asks about my day, he engages with the kids and reads bedtime stories. He makes it back for dinner and we eat together with the kids every evening. Usually, when they are in bed, he works. But we've had some family time and we will also still have time to ourselves after he's finished marking, lesson planning, etc. It's an incredibly taxing job, but we are lucky as he chooses to make time his family. Unfortunately it seems that your husband is prioritising himself which is separate from him being a teacher.

@crackingcrackers That's great but perhaps her husband feels a lot of pressure being the main earner in a ft teaching role? He's probably absolutely drained, especially with the additional pressures on teachers in the current climate.
Could they not both work pt to support eachother?

I say this as someone who has been teaching in primary education for 20 years btw.

I'm not sure what it's like for you in primary education, but in secondary it's basically leave at 6 and not home until 6, so if you're working anything like those hours (with the extra homework on top) then I assume you have to pay for care for your kids. I think OP is simply unpaid in that role rather than not working. Which are also fees they aren't paying out. You seem to be saying what she's doing is worthless simply for not having a payslip. She's also bringing in her own money. It sounds like she's doing her fair share, but not being acknowledged by her husband. What about how drained she feels from that? She is supporting him, just not getting it back.

Plus, she's talked to him about career changes on his side and he has shot them down. Not manly apparently.

@crackingcrackers My husband looks after the kids when I leave for work and then after work until I get home after which we share it. He works ft as a social worker but is fortunate in that he can be flexible regarding his hours. It's very much a team effort. We both bring in money into the household and we both look after the kids.

Thats really great for you, but OPs point is that she doesn't have this. He's not being a team player. She's asked him about him dropping down to part time, but he said no. When she was also full time as a teacher, she was also full time carer. He didn't do it. That's why she dropped down to part time. But she is working part time for money, and looking after the kids and home. It's not a teaching role, that's all.

@crackingcrackers Maybe he's worried about family finances if he drops down to pt? Especially if the OP isn't earning as much as she was as a teacher?
I know we couldn't survive financially if only one of us was working pt as a teacher but of course all families are different.

Last night he said "the Head has thanked me today for all my hard work" with a huge smile on his face, sat at the dining room table at 9.30pm, still working.
I replied "perhaps it would just be nicer of him to give you less work to do."
And he told me that "it's just how it is."
It shouldn't be though should it?
Thank you for putting your family on the back burner so that you can focus solely on work, day, night, weekends.

Schools are focusing much more on the mental health of kids, everything is about the needs of the kids, at the huge expense of the teachers and infact, their own kids.
It makes no sense.

@cookiedoughsweetiepie
Thank you for sharing. Our situations are incredibly alike.

I have definitely tried everything and have been in counselling for 3 years throughout the time I've been trying. My counsellor doesn't see what else I could give or try.

When DH and I discussed lessening the overall load, we explored many options but he agreed that me leaving teaching was the better outcome.

It's great to hear a positive story of separation when working part-time. It's a worry for me, but I can too increase my earning power when DC2 begins school this year.

Your post helps more than you know as I sometimes feel trapped inside this way of life.

@suagar it's good to meet someone else on MN with the same viewpoint around the whole career vs children saga as people like us are few and far between here. It angers me each time I read one of these ridiculously judgemental, anti-mother posts. It's disgusting.
I get hounded each time I stand my ground on these types of posts and I've avoided coming back on this thread until now as I expected the same again.
Modern society has gone backwards with regards to the value of women and the roles we play.
We're supposed to work like we're not pregnant, work like We're not breastfeeding, work like we're not mothers of young children.
We've been completely neglected by an economy driven, patriarchal society and even women have jumped on the band wagon much to the delight of men dressed in suits.

Op, I agree with your last post. I think you have got a lot of grief on here because you said you with part time running a "craft business". Had you just said running a small business and not specified, some people wouldn't have a mental image of you happily indulging in your hobby all day, faffing around with paint and yarn, whilst DH is hard at work at the chalk face. You sound like you are pulling your weight in your marriage and DH is not. Life is too short to be unhappy.

@Slambam exactly. It annoys me so much because such career obsessed women who insist women need to be like men in these respects are:

1. Just like sexist men, devaluing femininity and the unique strengths of women and the value of women being mothers/homemakers
2. Saying that one's own children (i.e. actual human beings!) and the huge responsibility of bringing up the next generation of the human race is a lower priority than a career
3. Just like arrogant and sexist men, are saying THEIR own interpretation of what women should be doing is unanimously right and all women should make the choices that they as self appointed "feminists" deem proper. Who on earth made them spokespeople for feminism/women? They're no more of a woman than I am.

It's more socially acceptable for men to put their career above their families but I've never understood why its implied by so-called feminists that this is something for women to also aspire to. It's certainly not anything I aspire to or I'm envious of as a woman. It should be the opposite - we
as a society should be discouraging men from this mindset, not joining them!

It's no wonder why it can be so hard to get men to pull their weight at home when people in our society massively devalue involved parenthood/homemaking in relation to careers. It ultimately shoots women in the foot.

A lot of men devalue home life unconsciously and this is where counselling can be helpful

This "It's no wonder why it can be so hard to get men to pull their weight at home when people in our society massively devalue involved parenthood/homemaking in relation to careers. It ultimately shoots women in the foot" @suagar is spot on!!

All well and good women coming on here criticising Men at not pulling their weight at home, but who's already devaluing this work in the first place?

Isn't it sexist to say in essence that women make superior stay at home parents?

OP I feel your pain. I made a decision years ago to not climb the ladder for the very reason that the work load just increases constantly with each rung. I'm a classroom teacher of 26 years and still love my job. I have autonomy and after all these years know my subject inside out so prep and marking is not terribly stressful.

I also only work 4 days for the past 16 of those years. I really appreciate that one day to myself. I refuse to even look at a work email on my day off and my DC are all at school.

My DH also only works 4 days for the past 2 years and says it's the best thing he's ever done. Yes, we've sacrificed money but we think it's worth it.
Can you as PP suggested do some more work to make up the shortfall in wages?

@trustisamust oh come on...

Sexist?
That's like saying it's sexist to breastfeed.

Absurd viewpoint.

We are still paying out nursery fees @puffalicious so it will not be worthwhile until DC2 starts school.

@Slambam So your saying women make better SAHP's than men just because they are women? That's absurd.

*you're

How is a man going to breastfeed a baby @trustisamust ???