Over-worked, exhausted School Teacher DH and lack of empathy/love

[Slambam]

My DH is a school teacher with extra responsibilities. I met him at work myself where I was also teaching at the time.

We had 2 children and I left teaching entirely to set up my own craft business. I am so much happier now.

DH however used to be a gentle giant. Sweet, sensitive and loving. In recent years, he has become very bogged down with work (possibly since DCs) and makes very little time for me in the evenings "because it's so busy, I need to work."

The expectations on school teachers are immense and I think inhumane. They have to be very robotic, non-emotional, straight-headed all the time and this had a massive impact on me when I was teaching. I felt completely out of touch with myself.

Over time DH has become cold, unsympathetic, non-caring. I was upset last night about something (tried my best not to cry but ultimately ended up sobbing). This doesn't happen regularly. DH looked at me coldly and said "what do you need me to do?" I told him that I didn't need him to DO anything and he said "well, I'd better go upstairs then, I've got work to do."

I'm devastated that he has treated me like this. He has no time for affection, love, talking. Nothing. Any spare time he does have, he uses it to play golf or go out on his motorbike.

He can be affectionate with DCs- hugs them and tells them he loves them, but if they need him at an inconvenient time, he can be very cold. My daughter recently accused him of being so.

I know he has a very demanding job, but this is a miserable way to live.

Are there other partners of teachers here in a similar boat?

@cookiedoughsweetiepie I am also considering leaving as I'm so unhappy. Tell me more:
How old were DCs when you left?
How have you supported yourself financially?
What childcare split do you have?
Is he more engaged with DCs now that you've separated?
Have you moved on and met someone else?

Also married to a teacher- deputy head- the hours he workd are insane to the point where it's very much me and the kids other than Saturday. In normal times he often goes to football on Saturday which has caused tension but I do feel he does have a much tougher working life and more pressures than me so can't begrudge him that. He leaves before 7 am gets home around 6 then works 730-930pm and all day Sunday. He is generally nice but pretty useless in sharing kids and house stuff, he will sit on his phone while I'm sorting everyone's tea out etc but he does only get about an hour a day not working so it's hard to bring this up. He is great company in school holidays and as I work all year round it is a good chance for him to do the parent and home stuff while I go to work in the hols

Oh for fucks sake. I'm sorry but he's not doing his job properly if he's doing his school work that late. My friend works till 6 MAX. And is home by 4.30. She teaches a big subject in a big central London secondary school. Which she is very senior in. He's either not very good at it or he's in the wrong school, as he's clearly reinventing the wheel and not as good as he thinks he is.

If he can't cope he can resign as head of dept (she did but even as head it wasn't like that) and stay as a senior teacher BUT he has to step up at home. He needs to do half the housework if he wants you back at work even part time.

But I think this is all a ploy. He resents you 'getting off the hook'. This is aimed at you. He's angry and resentful and wants a different life. One that doesn't involve sad wives wanting to talk, and children yelling and needing attention. He just doesn't sound very nice. And you are categorically refusing to engage with that. Or with the fact that there isn't a magic conversation you can have where you talk about how you feel and he has an epiphany and is happy and loves you and life is good again.

Actually there is a magic conversation. It goes like this "I'm sick of your misery snd anger and being treated like shit. I'm sick of being your personal servant where you work longer hours than most corporate lawyers and are unhappy all the time. So you need to move out of the house and take your fucking golf clubs with you. I want the chance to meet someone else and every second weekend off"

THAT is the magic conversation you are looking for.

Both me and my OH are teachers and have been for over 20 years, been together 18 years and 3 DC. How does he feel about his job? Workplace sounds toxic to me. I work in a busy highly academic school but am definitely emotional and not robotic. OH works v hard and does lots more extra stuff than me but we both expect term time to be manic. What’s your OH like in the holidays? Does he actually like his job? Does he resent you not teaching any more?

@Mintychococolate - I totally agree with you. Lots of teachers spending hours doing things that ultimately aren’t necessary. You have to be resilient, selective and confident in your work so you can balance things. Having said that some schools have terrible management and encourage this kind of burn out approach. I see it a lot with younger teachers who seem to lack the ability to prioritise.

He's often like a different person during the holidays, but will devote a lot of time to his motorbike and golf. I often have to speak to him about sharing out free time and leaving enough time for family activities also. It often pans out that I don't have much time to do what I'd like to do because whilst I'm prioritising family time, he's prioritising his hobbies, which then leaves very little for me.

Not a teacher but Social Work team manager so I would argue similar levels of stress and workload. My dad was in a very similar role when I was a child and I avoided it for years as he was distant, cold and depressed/stressed, all blamed on the job. I work insane hours but turns out I'm still a pretty good mum and partner to my husband. I don't buy its the job. Or at least that its an inevitably of the job. Je needs to decide what his priorities are and if the job is causing him to behave this way to get a different job, there is a world outside teaching as you yourself have proved.

He's all about him. Just another selfish man child disguising himself as a put upon social hero. Ugh. Sorry but that's just not what anyone signs up for.

Start the conversation about where he will live and how many days a week he has the kids. He won't be golfing those weekends. Or riding his damn bike. If there's anything left he will get a massive shock. If not well you've lost him anyway so might as well control the timing and the way it works. Wanker.

@Mintychocolate I disagree. He is clearly highly stressed. Long gone are the days where women stay at home and men earn all of the money for everyone.

Gosh Minty you really don't like teachers do you. You are not Xenia in disguise are you?!

Do you get a thrill from encouraging a family to break up?

One of the things with teaching I found so hard was the need to work evenings just to be on top of things for the next day. The day was spent teaching - the evenings marking and preparing for that teaching. It was great when I had no kids and was younger.

It's not something everyone can do as it is constant and high pressure every night for the next day, rather than just at certain times of the year. It's great when people can ride that and settle into a pattern or aren't the type to get anxious etc. But it can be impossible for many - see the retention stats for teaching!!!

Thirtyrock, l was teaching as a single parent. I managed to do chores....

This thread has reminded me how hideous teaching is, and why it broke my mental health and made me leave. I’m so glad now.

Someone on here once described teaching as being in an abusive relationship. I think she was right. Ugh

@Slambam

He keeps saying that he "can't work part-time because that would be weird" he has set ideas about the roles that men and women do. He used to manage because would "wing it" as he puts it, but now they all have to create lessons for the whole department which are used by all teachers (I'm told many schools are now doing this) so feels pressure to create all singing all dancing lessons in the evenings as he's creating them for the whole department to use.

My worry about us both going part-time is that unfortunately, he wouldn't take on half the load at home. He gets hugely resentful if I request that his free time is taken up with cleaning etc.

I think he's depressed but he just laughs when I suggest so. He also keeps saying "work will get easier" but he's been saying this for the last 2 years and still waiting.

I'd pay a cleaner if I worked more, but DH says he doesn't like the idea of that as its a "waste of money."

What is the actual point of him?

Imagine if a mum 'checked out' of emotional support for her kids because of her job. Imagine the shit she would get on here.

Loada of parents have stressful jobs but manage to parent.
Stop excusing him. If he wont make any changes then why are you together?

@Mintychococolate

Oh for fucks sake. I'm sorry but he's not doing his job properly if he's doing his school work that late. My friend works till 6 MAX. And is home by 4.30. She teaches a big subject in a big central London secondary school. Which she is very senior in. He's either not very good at it or he's in the wrong school, as he's clearly reinventing the wheel and not as good as he thinks he is.

If he can't cope he can resign as head of dept (she did but even as head it wasn't like that) and stay as a senior teacher BUT he has to step up at home. He needs to do half the housework if he wants you back at work even part time.

But I think this is all a ploy. He resents you 'getting off the hook'. This is aimed at you. He's angry and resentful and wants a different life. One that doesn't involve sad wives wanting to talk, and children yelling and needing attention. He just doesn't sound very nice. And you are categorically refusing to engage with that. Or with the fact that there isn't a magic conversation you can have where you talk about how you feel and he has an epiphany and is happy and loves you and life is good again.

Actually there is a magic conversation. It goes like this "I'm sick of your misery snd anger and being treated like shit. I'm sick of being your personal servant where you work longer hours than most corporate lawyers and are unhappy all the time. So you need to move out of the house and take your fucking golf clubs with you. I want the chance to meet someone else and every second weekend off"

THAT is the magic conversation you are looking for.

@Mintychococolate

You really need to stop embarrassing yourself.
You know NOTHING about teaching or working in a school or the pressures different teachers are under. You also sound like a dreadfully selfish person.

@Slambam

He's often like a different person during the holidays, but will devote a lot of time to his motorbike and golf. I often have to speak to him about sharing out free time and leaving enough time for family activities also. It often pans out that I don't have much time to do what I'd like to do because whilst I'm prioritising family time, he's prioritising his hobbies, which then leaves very little for me.

Then I ask again, what is the point of him? He has a family he doesn't want to spend time with. Or clean for. Or be affectionate with. He's checking out of this relationship. What is the point?

It strikes me that his hobbies take up a lot of personal time

Also as he is a teacher would have thought he would want to engage more with his own children. What does he teach them about life? Does he interact with them?
(Having said that there are many childfree teachers so do know teaching doesn’t necessarily mean wanting to bring your work home with you)

Motorbikes & in particularly golf is not a sport you all can partake in, unless you can get a 4wd and follow him to the off road park. Am assuming you mean dirt biking?
Harder for kids to become involved in Harley Davidson culture but dirt biking has a lot of appeal for kids here in Australia. Also just going & watching whole dad rides around & kids play in the bush is a fun family day out!

Would he want to involve them in his hobbies or is he retreating from family life?

Is it possible some of his personal pursuits could become family adventure days ? Or will he shun this idea

If he won’t even entertain this concept then that would be quite telling.

@Silenceisgolden20 Is there only a "point" to a man if they are the main and/or only breadwinner?

In that case I better kick out my OH sharpish!

What?
I meant as a father and a partner. What is the OP getting out if this relationship?

[quote Trustisamust]@Silenceisgolden20 Is there only a "point" to a man if they are the main and/or only breadwinner?

In that case I better kick out my OH sharpish![/quote]
Being a breadwinner doesn't excuse you from caring for your children

@Charibdes I have several close long term teacher friends. And several teachers are here agreeing that he's managing his work badly. I think it can be a terrible job in the wrong place - the ex teacher who compared it to an abusive relationship is probably spot on. So no I'm not embarrassing myself. And my only contribution to this thread is not just to have a go at someone else after not reading the thread. As you would know if you had actually done so.

And to the pp suggesting I love breaking families up. Am dram much? Obviously the best answer is that the op talk to him snd he tells her what's wrong and she tells him she's unhappy with the golf and housework and motorbikes and they fix it.

But that's not going to happen. Or else she wouldnt be posting here.

"Long gone are the days where women stay at home" hate this viewpoint. It devalues the role that mothers play in rearing their own children prior to starting school. This role is valuable and important too, as I'm sure my pre-school children would agree.

I too think that the abusive relationship analogy is spot on.

[quote Mintychocolate]@Charibdes I have several close long term teacher friends. And several teachers are here agreeing that he's managing his work badly. I think it can be a terrible job in the wrong place - the ex teacher who compared it to an abusive relationship is probably spot on. So no I'm not embarrassing myself. And my only contribution to this thread is not just to have a go at someone else after not reading the thread. As you would know if you had actually done so.

And to the pp suggesting I love breaking families up. Am dram much? Obviously the best answer is that the op talk to him snd he tells her what's wrong and she tells him she's unhappy with the golf and housework and motorbikes and they fix it.

But that's not going to happen. Or else she wouldnt be posting here.[/quote]
@Mintychococolate

You called the OP's husband a wanker.
That shows you for what you are