Over-worked, exhausted School Teacher DH and lack of empathy/love

[Slambam]

My DH is a school teacher with extra responsibilities. I met him at work myself where I was also teaching at the time.

We had 2 children and I left teaching entirely to set up my own craft business. I am so much happier now.

DH however used to be a gentle giant. Sweet, sensitive and loving. In recent years, he has become very bogged down with work (possibly since DCs) and makes very little time for me in the evenings "because it's so busy, I need to work."

The expectations on school teachers are immense and I think inhumane. They have to be very robotic, non-emotional, straight-headed all the time and this had a massive impact on me when I was teaching. I felt completely out of touch with myself.

Over time DH has become cold, unsympathetic, non-caring. I was upset last night about something (tried my best not to cry but ultimately ended up sobbing). This doesn't happen regularly. DH looked at me coldly and said "what do you need me to do?" I told him that I didn't need him to DO anything and he said "well, I'd better go upstairs then, I've got work to do."

I'm devastated that he has treated me like this. He has no time for affection, love, talking. Nothing. Any spare time he does have, he uses it to play golf or go out on his motorbike.

He can be affectionate with DCs- hugs them and tells them he loves them, but if they need him at an inconvenient time, he can be very cold. My daughter recently accused him of being so.

I know he has a very demanding job, but this is a miserable way to live.

Are there other partners of teachers here in a similar boat?

Sadly slambam I'm not sure your husband agrees with you. I see it over snd over on here. Once the woman becomes a SAHM the dynamic changes and it's all about what he wants and he seems to love and respect her a lot less.

Not saying it's right or what always happens but I think a lot of men want to do no housework or childcare AND want a working wife who is also fun and sexy. And they get to do what they want holidays and hobbies wise. God knows who brings them up to think this is how things work - but plenty do!

@Mintychococolate

“Actually there is a magic conversation. It goes like this "I'm sick of your misery snd anger and being treated like shit. I'm sick of being your personal servant where you work longer hours than most corporate lawyers and are unhappy all the time. So you need to move out of the house and take your fucking golf clubs with you. I want the chance to meet someone else and every second weekend off"

THAT is the magic conversation you are looking for.“

This portion of your post can (and arguably should) be applied to most threads on this forum!

I'm sorry but he sounds awful! Sexist thinking, prioritises hobbies over family, won't do his fair share at home.

I don't think it matters why he's like this, i.e. whether it's because of his job or not. The bottom line is that he's not being a good husband or father right now and refuses to change.

My advice is do your homework about separating, then have a serious conversation with him about all this. Try to listen and not attack him but be honest about how unhappy you are and that you think something has to change to improve all your lives, otherwise you can't stay. See if that brings him to his senses.

Have you sat him down and explained that your marriage is at risk because of his job? I think you need to make this really clear.

He does sound like he’s under siege. It’s an awful feeling that so many teachers come to accept as part of life- it doesn’t have to be.

If he chooses to leave teaching, there are options. Not lots of options, but options. This website has a few ideas.

It’s time to make it clear to him how close to breaking point you are WRT the marriage. You both have some tough choices to make

#Slambam A role which men are equally capable of.
Are you suggesting that children with two working parents are always disadvantaged?

@Slambam - apologies for the random hashtag!

OP,

He sounds like a very selfish man who thinks of himself and only himself.

His time is work,
hobbies,
resents any contribution to the upkeep to the home,
his children can see his selfishness
refuses to change things,

I think he is totally wrapped up in himself.

I think you need to look at what you want for your future.

How would separating work.
Spell it out to him that YOU have decided that you have no wish to be married to someone so selfish.

Children see things ver clearly.

Wow.
"A role which men are equally capable of."
There lies the problem.
Again, you're disparaging the role of the Mother when it comes to young children, which is incomparable to that of a man. Of course a man can do it, but Mothers have their own place in society and to deny so is sexist and incredibly unfeminist despite views that to be feminist you have to work full time and throw your kids in to childcare.

I think the problem slambam is while you are busy being a surrendered wife and he's busy playing the one who must be obeyed the reality is that he isn't finding fulfilment in his role. Having two very time consuming hobbies and working late and coming to bed at one I'd not what a man in love and happy in a family does.

If you want to be a sahm that's up to you. But he's not on board with your vision of what a family looks like. That's the harsh reality,

@Slambam It is sexist to assume that the mother will take up the role of solely caring for the kids and the man of being the only earner. It puts women in a very vulnerable position.
What is wrong with both parents working?
Would I ever risk giving up my career (even if I could) to raise my kids? Never. I needed that income to house them when I became a single parent.

And why is it incomparable, @Slambam?

I actually suggested you both working PART time?

Although it might not even be that. He might just not enjoy who you are now. He might want a different kind of wife. All that crafting at home with the kids isn't for everyone. Sometimes people want a bit more rock n roll. Or in his case golf n roll. Which is of course a perfect boys holiday hobby so when school holidays roll around expect him to bugger off on said golf holidays. Maybe he dreams of biking through South America instead of doing what he's doing? Maybe covid has made him feel life is just too short to work in a job he hates and live with a wife he no longer has much in common with?

Maybe he's doing the age old trick of being a tosser so you bin him and he's not the bad guy? You need to be having that level of straight conversation with him and not let him fob you off. Whatever way you look at it he's selfish. And yes, charibdes, a wanker. But is he a temporary wanker or a permanent one?

@Trustisamust you only have to read these boards for 5 minutes to know that not having an income of your own is a massive vulnerability. It's not just about buying shoes (though let's face it a life without new shoes is not worth living) it's about what happens to your children should you split. I'm all for freedom but my god it's risky. Even with the best men - and this one is not.

@trustisamust
You talk about child rearing as if it's some kind of punishment.
Some women, believe it or not enjoy caring for their own children (which have been born from their own wombs and been fed and nurtured by their own bodies).

You're one of the sad, brainwashed members of society who has learned to place economic value above the love and nurturing experience of Mothering.

I can recommend reading Liberating Motherhood as an excellent antedote to such atrocious points of view.

@Slambam Why did you give up your career entirely? It's OK - you can be honest. I know all too well the demands of teaching with a young family (of three) as I've lived it for almost 20 years.

But what do you do if you separate from your DH? Would you be OK financially?

I would not have been had I given up work entirely. My wages paid the rent and put food on the table. I am glad I remained self-reliant.

I think the honest answer here is because you didn't want to teach any more. Which I get. Same as your husband probably doesn't want to, at least not full-time.

Just because a woman has a womb and an breastfeed doesn't make her any more of an important parent than the father.

*can

@Slambam - sounds like you also have some traditional views. Nothing wrong with being a sahp but men can do it just the same.

Teaching isn’t a uniquely stressful job at all despite some of the drama on mn. In fact the hours are comparably good. Many women teach full time and are the main caregiver. It’s not his job that’s the issue, let’s get real.

Really? Have you ever read the staffroom board or spoken to teachers? This kind of struggle with teaching is unfortunately common hence the high burn out rate/lack of retention.

Of course this isn't unique to teachers and happens in other professions too. The constant having to work at night in order to be ready to teach the next day is not something everyone is cut out to do, especially with a family. Others manage it well.

Also many many many female teachers reduce to part time after having kids to manage the workload (as in other fields I'm sure). Unfortunately that is far more socially acceptable for women than for men.

Every year from my children's schools we have women teachers who have had children leave for " a better work life balance". Unfortunately it often isn't as family friendly as people assume.

@Mintychocolate

Although it might not even be that. He might just not enjoy who you are now. He might want a different kind of wife. All that crafting at home with the kids isn't for everyone. Sometimes people want a bit more rock n roll. Or in his case golf n roll. Which is of course a perfect boys holiday hobby so when school holidays roll around expect him to bugger off on said golf holidays. Maybe he dreams of biking through South America instead of doing what he's doing? Maybe covid has made him feel life is just too short to work in a job he hates and live with a wife he no longer has much in common with?

Maybe he's doing the age old trick of being a tosser so you bin him and he's not the bad guy? You need to be having that level of straight conversation with him and not let him fob you off. Whatever way you look at it he's selfish. And yes, charibdes, a wanker. But is he a temporary wanker or a permanent one?

@Mintychococolate

And which are you @Mintychocolate?
A temporary or permanent wanker?

@Slambam I think you have some traditional views on raising a child that on the surface/ in theory matched your husbands, in that you both believe that the mother should be the primary carer of the home and children (there is nothing wrong with that, if it is your choice, but there is when it is forced on you. It wouldn't work for our family but each to their own )

You initially tried to be the woman who could work all week and take on the role of primary carer for your children, which resulted in you feeling "the weight" of the work. When you raised an expection of your husband taking on a role with caring for the children/helping in the home and he didn't want to you were the one to back down and change career direction to accomodate him and his behaviour. This seems to be an ongoing pattern and he has been able to progressively treat you worse and worse. It sounds awful. I have a great belief that your husband should be your partner, especially at home and with the kids, and that includes house work etc. I think you really need to consider what he is bringing to your relationship, and what you want from him, and see if there is a way that he can change to help you as you changed to help him by moving careers.

@FlorenceinSummer I agree re partners and supporting one another. What about her supporting him by bringing in some money and him supporting her by doing his share of childcare/housework?
I think a solution here would be if they both worked pt teaching? Also leaves her financially more dependent too.

*independent

@Trustisamust precisely, she said she is bringing in half of what she used to, so is still earning but yeah I agree. Plus she has suggested he works part time but that he didn't want to (not manly)