Is there a secret OLD signal for having a high sex drive?

Candyfloss99 · 16/03/2021 23:42

It would be hard though because some people have no sex drive with one partner but a very high sex drive with another.

FifteenToes · 17/03/2021 00:06

@Candyfloss99

It would be hard though because some people have no sex drive with one partner but a very high sex drive with another.

Then those people have a high sex drive. Having a high sex drive doesn't mean you're indiscriminate about who you exercise it with.

People with a low or no sex drive, OTOH, will be like that with any partner, even one they're personally and emotionally compatible with.

altmember · 17/03/2021 00:55

Yes, it definitely would be a good idea, if people answer honestly about it, and I guess many wouldn't. If a dating platform can find a way to implement it in a quantitative way then they'll be on to a winner.

Sexual compatibility is a cornerstone to a successful relationship, and sex drive/frequency is a significant part of that.

I think men stay pretty consistent, but don't women find their sex drives alter medium term due to age, fertility, having children etc? That's likely to complicate things s bit.

Countingthebeat · 17/03/2021 03:44

The issue is , I think that ones sex drive ( perhaps much more so with women than men ) can start high then dwindle according to the man one finds oneself with . So whilst it’s all well and good saying you generally have a high arc drive, this isn’t necessarily the case after spending a few years with Fred who can’t be bothered to wash daily and expects you to have a high sex sex drive with him after he’s been staring at the twenty year old waitress all night while your talking to him
It’s amazing how many of my friends who supposedly had no arc drive soon found it again when a man who actually paid them some attention and looked after his personal hygiene came along

RAOK · 17/03/2021 03:52

Sex is really important to me too so I ask about this as early as possible.

SortingItOut · 17/03/2021 06:10

Okcupid has loads of questions for you to answer and I'm sure one is about amount of sex.

The problem with saying you have a high sex drive is that things change, long day at work = too tired, stressed about something = don't fancy sex etc
Sometimes its just not possible to fit in sex all the time if you have a busy life.

MiddleParking · 17/03/2021 06:13

I feel like you really wouldn’t want to date the men who used such a hint on online dating if one existed.

Ifailed · 17/03/2021 06:19

I don't believe that peoples underlying sex-drive are much different, expect at either end of a bell-curve. I think the difference is about whether you want to have sex at a particular moment, with that particular person given the circumstances you find yourself in. Hence you can find yourself in a strained relationship for all sorts of reasons unrelated to sex, but your sex-drive at that moment is very low, at least towards your partner. Meet someone new, and it returns to normal.

TheBusiness · 17/03/2021 07:27

I don’t think many men would admit to having a low sex drive or little interest in sex although according to many threads on here, it’s very common.

Lovelydiscusfish · 17/03/2021 07:49

After our first date but before we had slept together, my boyfriend (met on Tinder) asked me in a message “what do you think sex should be like?” It’s kind of a weird question but actually was massively helpful and enabled us to discuss and clarify lots of things before the next date (when we did have sex). And has set the tone for a relationship where we are both very comfortable discussing all aspects of our sex life. If we break up and I do OLD again I will definitely try to initiate the same kind of open discussion - because as you say, OP, there is not much point wasting time on someone who turns out to have a totally different attitude towards sex to your own. If a potential date is put off by this degree of openness I guess I will know that it wouldn’t have worked out anyway, because we would have been too different.....

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 17/03/2021 08:03

I tried asking this of my last partner before we slept together, as it's important to me too. He assured me he had a healthy sex drive and loved sex. Whilst it started off great, pretty soon it had dwindled to nothing and he admitted that he'd been suffering with low libido for a couple of years - by that time I was attached to him and it was incredibly frustrating. I hear you OP, I am not sure there's a solution because men will rarely admit to a low libido if they're trying to woo you - and from my experience, often say whatever they think you want to hear in order to get what they want. They fall in love with the idea of falling in love, and are not going to own up to anything that will jeopardise them 'winning'.

apalledandshocked · 17/03/2021 08:03

@DivorcedAndDelighted

I think it would be helpful if mainstream dating sites had some sort of question or filter to help you find someone with a similar sex drive. Eg "How important is sex to you?" and "In an ideal world, how often would you have sex?". But I don't think such a thing exists at the moment. Maybe this is a naive question, but is there some sort of hint that people put in OLD profiles to indicate that sex is really important to them? Because it's really important to me, and if I were to go on OLD again, I'm just not sure at what point you have that convo... "It's not even worth us meeting up if you are a once a fortnight kind of person". There are lots of wonderful people out there, so it's best to be with someone who has a compatible sex drive. But do you have to shag all the frogs first in order to find your Prince? How on earth does this work?

Men would lie though, innevitably. Partly because of ideas around masculinity and what they "should" want but also because no-one is going to say "I have a serious porn addition and therefore though I will be turned on in the first 3 weeks, one the novelty wears off I will quickly develop ED". Not saying that is the only reason for people to have a low sex drive. Plus, if a woman posted she had a high sex drive, she would be (even more than normal) inundated with dick picks etc and a lot of men would probably expect that would mean they could expect sex on the first date. Of course, they shouldnt feel like that, but many would and it could be unsafe Plus, when people have been single for a while, they are likely to overestimate their sex drive anyway even without meaning to lie.

Lovemusic33 · 17/03/2021 08:07

People already lie about their age as well as many other things so why would they tell the truth about this?

I also agree that your sex drive can depend on who you are with, how they treat you and many other things.

Sex with ex husband was bland and boring so we hardly ever did it, he accused me of having a low sex drive when infact it was just because he was shit in bed, I have had much better sex since leaving him 🤣

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 17/03/2021 08:15

Have been OLD on and off for a few years with varying degrees of success. Well into my infertile years, my sex drive is high with the right partner, and I’ve made the mistake of forming a relationship with men who have a low sex drive.

IME the things to look for include ‘tactile’, ‘closeness’, and ‘the physical side of a relationship is important to me’.
Skip those looking for friends, companionship, understanding.

I’m not sure about the very common ‘cuddles on the sofa with a bottle of wine and a dvd’ as that’s an immediate turnoff for me.

There’s a lot more obvious asks out there of course.

Sunshineandflipflops · 17/03/2021 08:19

Similar to @Lovemusic33 here. I could take or leave sex in my marriage due to a number of factors (young kids, doing 90% of the house and life admin work as well as working, sex being predictable, etc). I would have sex but would never initiate it.

Once we separated, I found my sex drive again and have had a great time! With my partner almost 2 years and we both love sex but I know a lot of that is probably due to the fact we don't live together or see each other every day.

Original poster

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/03/2021 09:02

These responses are so interesting - thank you! I understand that for many people, your sex drive can be much higher with someone you click with. But I've always had a high sex drive regardless. I'm late 40s now and even during the exhaustion years with young children, I'd have preferred more sex than ex-h was up for. Even when I was resentful about his behaviour, even when the sex was not great due to his alcoholism, I'd rather have so - so sex than no sex. The problem now is, I'm having absolutely fantastic sex with someone I get on really well with, but he just doesn't want it as often as me. Once a week keeps him perfectly happy, but I am good for about 2 days after then permanently distracted . I see posts on here from some couples who are apparently all over each other, in middle age. Having felt unwanted and rejected for years by an emotionally distant husband, I'm wondering how these rampant couples find each other. It seemed easy in my 20s!

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Original poster

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/03/2021 09:05

@NoBetterthanSheShouldBe

Have been OLD on and off for a few years with varying degrees of success. Well into my infertile years, my sex drive is high with the right partner, and I’ve made the mistake of forming a relationship with men who have a low sex drive.

IME the things to look for include ‘tactile’, ‘closeness’, and ‘the physical side of a relationship is important to me’.
Skip those looking for friends, companionship, understanding.

I’m not sure about the very common ‘cuddles on the sofa with a bottle of wine and a dvd’ as that’s an immediate turnoff for me.

There’s a lot more obvious asks out there of course.

Ah, that's really helpful! Yes, "tactile" is spot on. Not that I am on OLD at the moment, but I was on it for a couple of months and felt totally clueless about how it all worked. I love your username

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Original poster

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/03/2021 09:08

@Lovemusic33

People already lie about their age as well as many other things so why would they tell the truth about this?

I also agree that your sex drive can depend on who you are with, how they treat you and many other things.

Sex with ex husband was bland and boring so we hardly ever did it, he accused me of having a low sex drive when infact it was just because he was shit in bed, I have had much better sex since leaving him 🤣

Good point, I suppose they would lie to appear manly. Just like the outdated photos before they put on a stone. Brilliant that you're having such fun now and realise that it was not you, it was ex-h. I kind of hope he knows that this is the case now

!

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Original poster

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/03/2021 09:54

@Countingthebeat

The issue is , I think that ones sex drive ( perhaps much more so with women than men ) can start high then dwindle according to the man one finds oneself with . So whilst it’s all well and good saying you generally have a high arc drive, this isn’t necessarily the case after spending a few years with Fred who can’t be bothered to wash daily and expects you to have a high sex sex drive with him after he’s been staring at the twenty year old waitress all night while your talking to him It’s amazing how many of my friends who supposedly had no arc drive soon found it again when a man who actually paid them some attention and looked after his personal hygiene came along

That makes a lot of sense, @Countingthebeat , thanks. LOL at Fred getting his comeuppance! I guess I was thinking of it in an "other things being equal" way.

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AverageGuy · 17/03/2021 15:33

@DivorcedAndDelighted - I've definitely seen questions like "How important is sex to you?" and "In an ideal world, how often would you have sex?" on OLD sites - I'm pretty sure OK Cupid has them - It's possible it might use them to "match" you with someone?

However, you can't always see the other persons answer, so they aren't a lot of help...

@Lovemusic33 has a point - It's tricky for a guy, (particularly one nearer 60 than 50 like me..) I like to think I want sex several times a week, but in reality, I probably couldn't manage it - not every week, anyway. Opportunities to find out, however, are less than forthcoming...

Original poster

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/03/2021 16:14

Good points @apalledandshocked, it probably wouldn't be a very reliable filter.
Plus, if a woman posted she had a high sex drive, she would be (even more than normal) inundated with dick picks etc and a lot of men would probably expect that would mean they could expect sex on the first date. Of course, they shouldnt feel like that, but many would and it could be unsafe

To be fair, I don't mind dick pics at all - though it's polite for them to check you don't mind before sending. But I get your point about a blunt approach attracting dodgy men. The question is, how does one find the blokes who are highly sexed and respectful?

Plus, when people have been single for a while, they are likely to overestimate their sex drive anyway even without meaning to lie.

This is possible, but it's not the case for me. Good sex makes me want more good sex. I hope the people who are getting lots appreciate how lucky they are!

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Lovelydiscusfish · 17/03/2021 16:17

See, I think “how high is your sex drive” is unlikely to get an honest answer as, if you are hoping to have a thing with someone (whatever sort of thing that is), you are unlikely to say, “oh, negligible”, as that would probably put most people off.

That’s why I think a question more like “how do you think sex should be ideally”, something like that, is better, as you would be able to gauge from their answer, and level of engagement with the question, how important sex is to them, as well as other (important) things such as whether they are into the same kinds of things as you, at a similar level of adventurousness etc. Somebody not really into sex would probably be put off by a question like that I imagine (I have seen a lot of threads on here which have suggested that a man raising sex at all during OLD chat is a big red flag). And so they would not pursue things further, so it would kind of be self selecting.

Well it might work like that, anyway. Or perhaps my plan is simple and naive?

apalledandshocked · 17/03/2021 16:24

@Lovelydiscusfish

See, I think “how high is your sex drive” is unlikely to get an honest answer as, if you are hoping to have a thing with someone (whatever sort of thing that is), you are unlikely to say, “oh, negligible”, as that would probably put most people off.

That’s why I think a question more like “how do you think sex should be ideally”, something like that, is better, as you would be able to gauge from their answer, and level of engagement with the question, how important sex is to them, as well as other (important) things such as whether they are into the same kinds of things as you, at a similar level of adventurousness etc. Somebody not really into sex would probably be put off by a question like that I imagine (I have seen a lot of threads on here which have suggested that a man raising sex at all during OLD chat is a big red flag). And so they would not pursue things further, so it would kind of be self selecting.

Well it might work like that, anyway. Or perhaps my plan is simple and naive?

Hopefully you could also filter out the people into wierd stuff with that question as well.

Lovelydiscusfish · 17/03/2021 16:25

@DivorcedAndDelighted

Good points *@apalledandshocked*, it probably wouldn't be a very reliable filter. Plus, if a woman posted she had a high sex drive, she would be (even more than normal) inundated with dick picks etc and a lot of men would probably expect that would mean they could expect sex on the first date. Of course, they shouldnt feel like that, but many would and it could be unsafe

To be fair, I don't mind dick pics at all - though it's polite for them to check you don't mind before sending. But I get your point about a blunt approach attracting dodgy men. The question is, how does one find the blokes who are highly sexed and respectful?

Plus, when people have been single for a while, they are likely to overestimate their sex drive anyway even without meaning to lie.

This is possible, but it's not the case for me. Good sex makes me want more good sex. I hope the people who are getting lots appreciate how lucky they are!

I think to find the ones who are highly sexed but respectful, you probably have to have one normal date with them first, and if they seem nice and none-weird, then you can start discussing sex with them and find out whether you are a good match in that regard before deciding whether to pursue things and meet again. This might mean wasting some time having first dates with men who won’t be a good match, but it’s not that much of an investment really - the date could just be an hour or two - especially if you push for a date quite quickly and avoid endless weeks of back and forth texting......

I’m not saying this out of prudishness at all - I don’t think there is anything morally wrong with meeting up for sex the first time you meet, but then you are risking it possibly being with someone dodgy.

This strategy worked for me anyway. I mean, we did kiss and make out a bit on the first date, so from that I kinda knew anyway that he was quite a sexual person I suppose.

Lovelydiscusfish · 17/03/2021 16:27

@apalledandshocked, unless you were looking for someone into weird stuff! 😉

But yes, you would weed out people into stuff that you just couldn’t countenance yourself. Hopefully. As long as they were honest. But as it’s a fairly frank question, hopefully it might invite a frank response?