Is there a secret OLD signal for having a high sex drive?

[DivorcedAndDelighted]

I think it would be helpful if mainstream dating sites had some sort of question or filter to help you find someone with a similar sex drive. Eg "How important is sex to you?" and "In an ideal world, how often would you have sex?". But I don't think such a thing exists at the moment. Maybe this is a naive question, but is there some sort of hint that people put in OLD profiles to indicate that sex is really important to them? Because it's really important to me, and if I were to go on OLD again, I'm just not sure at what point you have that convo... "It's not even worth us meeting up if you are a once a fortnight kind of person". There are lots of wonderful people out there, so it's best to be with someone who has a compatible sex drive. But do you have to shag all the frogs first in order to find your Prince? How on earth does this work?

Yes it"s risky. I think men would generally be more offended and arsey if you made it clear you were more than averagely up for it but not with you no
Cue incel flavour tantrum

I think Ok Cupid is good for this stuff. I had answered all the sex questions for a joke when initially online dating but looking at it, it definitely says so much more about me than perhaps the standard sites. That said, I've never met anyone via there!

@Eesha

I think Ok Cupid is good for this stuff. I had answered all the sex questions for a joke when initially online dating but looking at it, it definitely says so much more about me than perhaps the standard sites. That said, I've never met anyone via there!

That’s interesting - is that a paid one? Not that I am OLD at the moment, but if I find myself single again I definitely would..... So recommendations are always useful.

My adult step-sons were always banging on about Hinge being a good one, but again never tried it - I only Tindered last time and that kept me busy enough.....

@WiseOwlOne

Yes it"s risky. I think men would generally be more offended and arsey if you made it clear you were more than averagely up for it but not with you no Cue incel flavour tantrum

I do definitely see your point, but equally wouldn’t want to censor myself because some men are such arrogant dicks that they think any woman up for sex with anyone, must be up for sex with everyone.....

And I did what I considered safer dating met - in a public place first time (and texted my mom half way through!), didn’t hand over my address till I was confident he was OK, sent proof of life texts at various points during our initial encounters (not actually mid-shag!) to loads of my girlfriends - and made sure he knew I was doing it too. (The proof of life texts became a bit of a joke between us actually.....) Again, not saying women should HAVE to do these things - rather, men shouldn’t be rapists! But it was my choice as it made me feel safer.

@MiddleParking

I feel like you really wouldn’t want to date the men who used such a hint on online dating if one existed.

Agree with this!

If I’d had to answer that question when I got divorced and started OLD I’d have said I had a low sex drive, as I really wasn’t fussed. However when I met DP I realised that I have a high drive (specifically for him!) so he would have ruled me out in the beginning for not being compatible when in fact we really are.

I think it’s something to establish early on in the dating process, but I think that happens naturally when you see how frisky you get and how far it goes how quickly. Within a couple of weeks you know if it works or not.

I agree with PPs - OK Cupid is excellent for this - answer all the sex questions. It's like most sites, as far as I can remember, in that it is free to use, but if you pay you can look at someone's profile without them knowing.

When I met my current DP, it was meant to be a casual sex thing, buy nearly two years later we're much more than that!

@Lovelydiscusfish personally i never had any likes on hinge whereas i probably got 2k plus on Tinder, Bumble, Ok Cupid. I put it down to me not having any activity pictures (i feel im just a boring mum!) plus perhaps me not being cool enough!! Okcupid is free and you just answer loads of questions and it matches you that way.

*but

[quote Eesha]@Lovelydiscusfish personally i never had any likes on hinge whereas i probably got 2k plus on Tinder, Bumble, Ok Cupid. I put it down to me not having any activity pictures (i feel im just a boring mum!) plus perhaps me not being cool enough!! Okcupid is free and you just answer loads of questions and it matches you that way.[/quote]
I am sure you are very cool! If activity pictures are needed for Hinge then it wouldn’t do very well - the only physical activity I do at the moment is sex! (And much as I am all for being fairly direct, I don’t think I’d be including that in my profile pics....)

[quote Lovelydiscusfish]@DivorcedAndDelighted, really pleased you have found someone who is currently ticking your boxes. (Especially the sex maniac box - the most important one!) Hurrah![/quote]
I am having a good time with someone but the main fly in the ointment is, he's not a sex maniac, and I am . However, great sex once a week and good company and someone I really like and know very well and trust is not to be sneezed at. I never used to get any non-sexual affection from ExH, and so sex, spiradic as it was, was the only form of affection I had from him for years. I am learning that affection and a cuddle can be very nice too. But in an ideal world there would be this plus more sex! Hence me wondering how it all works if I end up out there again.

@Lovemusic33

I would also stay clear of someone that stated "I have a high sex drive" in their profile, I have seen it written in profiles, mainly by less desirable men 🤣, to me it crys out 'sex pest'. I've been OLD for years and have met several guys who can talk the talk but can't walk the walk (I could tell a story or 2). Sex is important to me but its not everything and I would rather get to know someone and have a really good connection to them before seeing if we are suited in bed.

Good points @Lovemusic33, and I've also met some who couldn't walk the walk! But someone told me once that her strategy with OLD was, have sex as soon as possible so you can filter out the ones you don't have good chemistry with, then you can get to know them after. Because she didn't want to get attached to someone if the physical side was going to be complicated.

I think you just have to find these things out when you meet. Too many people (not just men) lie in their profiles just to 'game' the algorithm and get 'clicks'. I've lost count how many men have appeared in my feed with a profile that says "I'm not actually X age, I made a genuine mistake and the site won't let me edit it". And don't get me started on height....

Sounds like by far the best approach. Now more people understand what 'asexual' means, maybe that could be a way into a wider discussion about people's preferences perhaps, without scaring the horses. Hmmm...

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

When I dated I just put asexual in my profile - honest. Then I only got messages from similar.

^ prev comment was in reply to this ; excuse my incompetence!

@AdaThorne

I ended up joining a now defunct kink-friendly online dating site. Ironically though I was coming at it from the other way - just out of a sexless LTR and keen to just have some fun and nothing serious.

When I met now-DH we had lots of filthy chat about what we enjoyed and literally only met for sex the first few months before we realised all the other stuff we had in common (and I realised he was genuinely the best and kindest man I'd ever met as well as being the filthiest).

We've got two DC now and are permanently knackered and barely alone, but given a hour alone even ten years on our favourite things to do are each other. Uneven sex drive is so hard even in the happiest of relationships.

Ah, @AdaThorne, that is so lovely! Really sweet. Great to hear that you still have the hots for each other .

@TheRedBalloon

Don't sex drives change over time anyway? I was very highly sexed when I first got with my DH as was he, but over time it settles down, and once perimenopause hit we're lucky if it's 3 times a week now. Quality not quantity I tell him! I think advertising the fact you're highly sexed will result in lots of replies, perhaps from guys who are just looking for NSF.

@TheRedBalloon yes, sex drive does change over time for most people, but some of us are still consistently at one end or other of the spectrum. 3x a week in middle age is very impressive. I would be very happy with that . And re OLD, I wouldn't mind getting responses from men who just wanted NSA - one can always say no if not into that. But it would be tricky if they were making out they wanted more, just to get a shag. Which some probably would I suppose.

@WiseOwlOne

Yes it"s risky. I think men would generally be more offended and arsey if you made it clear you were more than averagely up for it but not with you no Cue incel flavour tantrum

Good point @WiseOwlOne, I hadn't thought of that and LOL at "incel tantrum"!

I've seen a site called Fab mentioned a lot on the OLD threads - I think it's for swingers and kink, primarily, but people also seem to use it for upfront communication about what they're looking for, sexually. If you end up OLD again, maybe give it a look.

@DivorcedAndDelighted, happy to report that my current fella and I, 8 months in (I just calculated it) and despite having had to spend LOADS of essentially boring time together during this last brutal winter lockdown (I was WFH, he was partially furloughed - I got him to move in because I couldn’t face being locked down on my own - and my house is TINY) have maintained our high sex drive, and I think (can’t remember an exception) have had sex at least once in every of the 24 hours we have been in each others’ company. I am early 40s, he is mid. Plus, it is the best sex I have ever had in my life - sometimes wild and experimental (in exactly the ways I most love) and also at other times quite movingly affectionate and tender. It’s out there, girl - don’t settle! Xxx

To be fair, I don't mind dick pics at all

Classy. In that case just give a shout out for highly sexed partners only as you probably won’t be unhappy sifting through the roads to find potential princes. Other men will know it’s not for them and swipe on by. Seriously, doesn’t sound like a bad thing as it should hopefully get you a smaller pool a lot faster to determine compatibility in other desired areas that may be of less import.

[quote Lovelydiscusfish]@DivorcedAndDelighted, happy to report that my current fella and I, 8 months in (I just calculated it) and despite having had to spend LOADS of essentially boring time together during this last brutal winter lockdown (I was WFH, he was partially furloughed - I got him to move in because I couldn’t face being locked down on my own - and my house is TINY) have maintained our high sex drive, and I think (can’t remember an exception) have had sex at least once in every of the 24 hours we have been in each others’ company. I am early 40s, he is mid. Plus, it is the best sex I have ever had in my life - sometimes wild and experimental (in exactly the ways I most love) and also at other times quite movingly affectionate and tender. It’s out there, girl - don’t settle! Xxx[/quote]
That's so lovely - brilliant that it's going so well!
I'm still recovering from a long marriage where my ExH was so emotionally cold, there was no physical contact apart from sex, and for many years he didn't even want that very often. So feeling wanted is an amazing thing. And having unexpectedly found affection and someone I can trust is bringing up all sorts of feelings. If this doesn't work out and I end up on OLD again, I'm going to have to learn so much in order to have a healthy relationship. I just wanted to know if there was a way of signalling how important the sex part is!

@NoAuthorityAtAll

I've seen a site called Fab mentioned a lot on the OLD threads - I think it's for swingers and kink, primarily, but people also seem to use it for upfront communication about what they're looking for, sexually. If you end up OLD again, maybe give it a look.

Thanks - I had seen that mentioned & it's supposed to be just a sex site rather than dating. Refreshing level of clear communication though - certainly would be interesting to learn about!

@DivorcedAndDelighted FabSwingers is NOT just for swingers, but it's also not for the fainthearted. You are likely to be inundated with dick pics as soon as you sign up...

You could look at a site called KillingKittens, which is more female oriented.

Feel free to pm me if you would like more information.

@WiseOwlOne

Yes it"s risky. I think men would generally be more offended and arsey if you made it clear you were more than averagely up for it but not with you no Cue incel flavour tantrum

Yes, and also, not wanting to be the voice of doom in a largely light hearted discussion but... I strongly suspect that having described yourself as having a high sex drive and implied that you would be interested in sex etc in texts would, in a worst case scenario, make you a "less credible witness" if (again worst case scenario) you were asaulted by said tantrummy incel. Is it right? No, definately not. But personally until the law changes, and CPS change their attitude, I would be wary of sexting, or putting details about enjoying sex into Tinder etc. If men dont like that, then they can help to get the law changed...

@DivorcedAndDelighted Fabswingers is not a dating site and it is now mainly a casual sex site but I and others on the dating thread are now in relationships with men we met on Fab.
What started off as FWB progressed to more for quite a few of us.

If you're happy with a FWB then I'd recommend Fab and you can see where it goes.
You do unfortunately have to filter out the ones who are not actually single.