His friend and family don't like me

[OodlesPoodle]

Regular poster but NC to not be linked to my other posts.

I've been dating my bf for a year. We met just before lockdown and are in our 30s. Our relationship is good and I have very strong feelings for him. However, we have a problem that his mother and best friend (woman) do not like me and are vocal about it.

We had some arguments a few months into our relationship, mainly about his crazy working hours (that he was volunteering for) which meant we barely saw each other, his flat being renovated meant I was the only one hosting which took its toll, and with lockdown and redundancy fears it was all quite stressful. These have all been resolved now. Unfortunately he discussed these arguments with his friend and mum (he is living with his mum while his flat gets renovated), and because of it they have taken a strong dislike to me. I have met other friends and colleagues of his who have all liked me.

They have not met me yet despite us all living in the same town. I initially assumed it was because of lockdown but even in the Summer when things opened up, there was no interest in meeting me, and he has now confirmed (after I suggested something for this summer) that they aren't interested period. They have no real reason shared as to why they don't like me, other than the arguments put them off, and they didn't like seeing him upset. I imagine he ranted about me to them. But in my defence, the arguments were only over a few weeks, and he acknowledged his role in them and made changes to his schedule to fit me in more.

I can understand his mum being protective and think with time (and when she meets me), will come around. She doesn't dislike me, tbh he doesn't really know what her reservations are other than she said she doesn't think we will last beyond lockdown ending. No reasons given.

However, it is his friend I don't understand. They are very close and from the day we started dating, she had no interest in getting to know me, learn anything about me, or meet me. I never thought anything of it until the arguments started, and she tried to convince him to break up with me. When he didn't she got upset with him and didn't talk to him for a few weeks. When they got back in contact, she still made her displeasure clear and tried to stop him from going on a trip with me. He got exasperated with her and took a bit of space. When they planned to meet up again, I decided to offer a gesture and baked her a cake i sent with him. She refused to take it (he only told me this after I asked him). He got cross with her and asked her to not be rude. When they met up again, and he asked her how she would be if we were to meet, she said she'd be civil and that was it. There are plans being made for June when things re-open and I am not invited to any of them. She won't refer to me as his gf either. Will ask him questions like, 'How's your lovelife?' - one year on. I only know all this because I asked - in his defence he didn't want me to know. But it's getting hard to hide the truth.

I think she has made it clear that she does not like me, and any meeting with her (and her husband) will be awkward for me. She lives closer to him than I do, so they see each other a few times a week (all SD walks). So she's not someone I can just ignore. Also she is part of his core social group as well. I have asked if she has been like this with other ex-es, and he confirmed that she is just very protective of him so has always been negative about anyone he has dated or liked.

This is really getting me down, even though my bf has reassured me that he likes me and doesn't let other opinions influence him. He thinks I shouldn't care about her or his mum, as I'm the one he is in a relationship with. And I have tried that, but everytime he goes off to meet friend (which is 2-3 times a week), I feel anxious and worried about what she will do to break us up. I don't tell him that. And also I feel weird that he has such a large part of his social life where I cannot feature, because she doesn't want me there. Atm it is ok, as we are in lockdown, but as life re-opens how can I be happy with my bf spending most of his free time with a woman who is rude about me, and has openly snubbed me, and is trying to break us up. And having this social life I will always be excluded from.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to walk away from all this drama and negativity. But I really like him, and we haven't had any problems since those initial arguments. But i'm very stressed about his friend and how much she will be in his life (and I guess mine) - I have never had someone openly dislike me this way and it upsets me. He re-assures me that she can't influence him, but I question how he can be happy hanging out so much with someone who pretends his gf doesn't exist. But I would never give an ultimatum, as I want this to be something he resolves himself.

What would you do if you were me? My ideal situation would be she decides to be friendly and welcoming and makes it less awkward for me. But based on recent conversations and the fact I'm excluded from plans makes me think this won't happen. How do I deal? Any advice welcome as I'm feeling very low atm.

Unfortunately he discussed these arguments with his friend and mum (he is living with his mum while his flat gets renovated), and because of it they have taken a strong dislike to me

This is the first problem and one that is very unlikely to ever change. He runs to mummy and his friend to slag you off whenever there's an issue, and I think it's safe to assume what he said about you was very, very negative. You can accept more of the same in the future.

His friend sounds like a viper in the grass who is extremely jealous of your relationship. My guess is that she wants far more than just friendship with your boyfriend.

Honestly, I would be running for the hills. Too much bullshit, too much drama, too big of a headache. It really shouldn't be this hard at the start of a relationship. Move on.

*expect more of the same. Sorry.

I couldn't be dealing with a grown man who went whinging to his mum and friend like that. He's the one who has caused this by saying negative things about you and painting you in a bad light.

He'll continue to do this when you have arguments... the future doesn't look good.

I'd end it. It's his fault, not theirs.

He is telling you they don't like you...and probably telling them that you don't like them. Or some other tosh.

Sorry op but this sounds like textbook narcissistic triangulation. Which occurs when the narcissist plays women off against one another. He is fanning the flames.

Run for the hills.

Run for the hills.

I talk to my friends about my relationships. Are you not supposed to?

So much drama.
Also, actually arguing a few months in? It doesn't matter what it was about (hosting at your place or his working hours).
Move on.

I would run for the hills, too.

He's told them horrible things about you which is the reason they don't like you. His friend sounds jealous as hell, too.

He's choosing to see this woman a few times a week. Your relationship as it actually is isn't acknowledged by her, yet he continues to see her.

I'd dump him for that alone.

That sounds like a whole fucktonne to unnecessary juvenile drama. How on earth do you even have the time, energy or interest to be involved in that shit? Two people you have never met don’t like you because your dumbass boyfriend can’t fight his own battles and to go running to his mummy? They all sound like a bag of morons.

Is it worth it?

as life re-opens how can I be happy with my bf spending most of his free time with a woman who is rude about me, and has openly snubbed me, and is trying to break us up. And having this social life I will always be excluded from

Point this out to him, ask him if he honestly sees a future where you are entirely separate from the rest of his life. That will give you everything you need to know about your relationship.

If he says "Actually that does sound crazy, it needs to be better than that" then you have a chance at a relationship because he wants share his life with you, not just have you on the side for convenient 'girlfriend' bits.

If he continues to assert that you'll be kept separate then the relationship doesn't have much further to go because he just doesn't see you as being important enough to share his life with.

My husband and I have completely different social circles. I have nothing in common with his friends, he has nothing in common with mine - but we still manage to socialise as a couple with each different group because our lives are intertwined and none of our friends are arseholes.

As an aside, it sounds like his friend doesn't necessarily want to have a relationship with your boyfriend, but she wants him at her beck and call nonetheless so no woman he dates will ever meet her approval.

What would happen if you just decided to not give a fuck? There's a lot of freedom in being more selective about the unasked-for opinions of others.

Ultimately, it's entirely up to you how much you care about this.

But it's unrealistic to expect that everyone we meet will like us, it just doesn't happen. And yeah, that goes for families and friends of our partners too. I know for a fact that DH's father doesn't care for me very much, and DH and I have been together almost 20 years.

You can't control what these two people think about you. But you can control how much of that negative shit you let in. So maybe it's about the kinds of conversations you have with your BF?

I do think you might have overdone it with baking a cake for a woman you've never met. If a mate of mine presented me with a cake made by someone I'd never met I'd think they were loopy, quite frankly.

If you feel that the relationship with your BF is good, focus on that. You don't need to justify your existence or play the please-like-me dance with two people you've never met.

If you do happen to meet either of them at some point in the future, take them as you find when you actually meet them and see what's what then. You've said yourself, they'll likely both be perfectly civil even if they aren't actively friendly.

But until then you're going on hearsay.

If you don't want to hear about these other people's fascinating opinions, put a boundary around what he says to you about what other people say -- 'Colin, I don't care what Connie thinks, we've never even met, so don't waste your breath telling me' or something like that. Just don't let it in. If he continues to try and push it, then he's in the nob group too and you can put 'will not respect conversational boundaries' in the cons column when you're totting up whether to carry on or not.

You might like him but it sounds one sided. He must have been saying some bad stuff behind your back to them if they have taken such dislike if you without getting to know you first. He is already very disloyal, triangulating and allowing you to feel bad.
Step way way back. Its not your issue to sort out.
Let him go and see whether he cares enough to resolve it and show some loyalty and support. While you pander to his triangulation you will always come second. Get some boundaries and stick to them. Dont bust a gut trying to get these people to like you. Let them get on with it

You leave op.

But before you do, tell him you have discussed your relationship with your parents and they have stated they don't like him and feel you should end it, that you deserve better.
Also tell him you have discuused your arguments to a male friend and he too thinks you deserve better and he doesn't want to talk anymore unless you end your relationship, as he belives your partner is abusive.

It has been only a year, how bad would this get in years to come?
This man does not have your best interests at heart.

Find someone who will make you feel safe, secure and loved, this man never will.
You are focusing on the wrong people here, your partner is the enemy, believe me.

They don’t dislike you. Neither of them. They just don’t want to get to know you. That’s really very different, and they don’t want to get to know you because of what he told them about you, how you were treating him and the impact it was having on him. They are being protective. Rightly or wrongly but they don’t want to encourage a relationship and be involved where they think the partner is abusive

Eithe accept it or move on. He’s done the damage because he told them, whatever he told them about you. And I suspect there is more to it than he is letting on.

Maybe he doesn’t want you to meet them and he’s bullshitting you.

I’d say there is a bigger issue and it’s not them, it’s your relationship.

Agree with everyone else. They can't dislike you if they haven't met you, they dislike the picture he has painted of you. He should have been telling them about this wonderful new girlfriend, not some unreasonable monster he argues with - and of course none of it would have been his fault in his version of events.
I would be concerned about being with a man who tells you that the closest people to him don't like you, just because of what he is telling them. I wonder if he is usually manipulative?

I would just quickly opt out of this situation, you shouldn't be dealing with such meaningless and petty people. What is the point of pondering,and wondering,if these people will ever change at all. There are plenty of narrow minded people around, who you should not even think about.

Thank you very much for all your advice. Some really interesting points of view that I am considering.

To those who have said that it is a 'him' problem and because he made negative comments about me, I agree. We had talked about it after it happened and he realised how wrong it was (because he could see he'd burnt a bridge for me with them), and has said he hasn't said anything but positive things since. Obviously I don't know for sure. But I am choosing to believe that he no longer confides in them in the same way. But the damage is done. However, it also feels unfair to break up with him because of this one stupid big mouth mistake, when otherwise he's a good bf. Hence my dilemma atm.

I don't think he's manipulative. He's very straightforward and direct, and really bad at navigating office politics. He genuinely cannot understand why I'm so upset about all this because he doesn't care about anyone's opinions on him. And I really think if my friends and family didn't like me, he wouldn't be bothered (unless I was). He did try to keep hidden that they didn't like me for a while, but when i offered meeting up and he made excuses a few times, I sensed a problem and prodded him.I wish I hadn't asked now!

@BIoodyStupidJohnson I really like your advice, and what I am trying to get to. Just not caring. I can do it with his mother as he won't be seeing her very much, but the friend is always around and like another poster said - it pisses me off that he spends so much of his free time with someone who can't even acknowledge he has a gf. Makes me feel like I'm an 'other woman' (I know there's definitely nothing going on between them). I do think if I ask him to just not mention them or what they've said, he would oblige.

Part of the issue is that I don't have any family of my own in the country so previously have enjoyed being a bit 'adopted' by my ex's family. But that is my own issue and I need to just accept his family is different.

@Bluntness100 You're probably right in your assessment of them. I was hoping that in time (it's been 9 months since those arguments) they'd come around. Especially since other friends have commented to him how happy he seems. But I guess I need to figure out if we can work with me/them being kept separate.

You really have no idea why a woman a man is really close to might take an instant dislike to his new girlfriend without even meeting her?
Wake up OP

It just seems odd to me op. I mean either he really really badmouthed your theres something 3else going on. If my friends told me he had an argument with his partner but they worked through it, I would be like 'cool, glad you sorted it, when can I meet her?'. It just doesnt make sense that they wouldn't want to meet you. Probably because it isn't true. Either that or he has been repeatedly making you out to be horrible. Even then, you're still a part of his life so why would they not want to meet you and see what's what for themselves? You're being sold bullshit.

You only 'know' they supposedly dislike you because that's what he's told you.

If you've never met them, you only have his bizarre narrative to go by.

Walter Mitty ...

*badmouthed you or there is

@Hoppinggreen No, it has definitely occurred to me. But she has been married and with the same man for a decade. And my bf hangs out with both of them as a couple sometimes too. My bf has said they seem happy together. Which is why I don't really know what she wants (other than to see me gone). There's never been anything romantic between them and she was with his husband even when they met. He tells me she's just very maternal and protective of him. But he's older than her and very independent, and hardly a poor lamb!

@Wanderlusto and @MarieDelaere

I have wondered this myself, whether he's making it up. But I can't figure out what he gains from it? And eventually i will have to meet them (and would realise the truth). No way can I stay with someone long term and never meet their mum or close friend. I would end things if he never introduced us because that's too shady.

They can't not like you, they don't know you.

If they don't want anything to do with you based on things he said about you 9 months ago they must have been pretty bloody awful.

I would never have such strong feelings about a friends partner, especially one I had never met, unless they had been abusive.

So either they are bat shit, in which case I wouldn't want yo meet them anyway, or he's lying about what he's told them about you.

And if he's being genuine, he needs to think hard about why he wants to stay friends with someone who is so awful about his partner who she hasn't even met.

[quote OodlesPoodle]@Hoppinggreen No, it has definitely occurred to me. But she has been married and with the same man for a decade. And my bf hangs out with both of them as a couple sometimes too. My bf has said they seem happy together. Which is why I don't really know what she wants (other than to see me gone). There's never been anything romantic between them and she was with his husband even when they met. He tells me she's just very maternal and protective of him. But he's older than her and very independent, and hardly a poor lamb![/quote]
Makes no difference. They don’t have to be shagging for her to feel
Some sort of ownership of him