His friend and family don't like me

[OodlesPoodle]

Regular poster but NC to not be linked to my other posts.

I've been dating my bf for a year. We met just before lockdown and are in our 30s. Our relationship is good and I have very strong feelings for him. However, we have a problem that his mother and best friend (woman) do not like me and are vocal about it.

We had some arguments a few months into our relationship, mainly about his crazy working hours (that he was volunteering for) which meant we barely saw each other, his flat being renovated meant I was the only one hosting which took its toll, and with lockdown and redundancy fears it was all quite stressful. These have all been resolved now. Unfortunately he discussed these arguments with his friend and mum (he is living with his mum while his flat gets renovated), and because of it they have taken a strong dislike to me. I have met other friends and colleagues of his who have all liked me.

They have not met me yet despite us all living in the same town. I initially assumed it was because of lockdown but even in the Summer when things opened up, there was no interest in meeting me, and he has now confirmed (after I suggested something for this summer) that they aren't interested period. They have no real reason shared as to why they don't like me, other than the arguments put them off, and they didn't like seeing him upset. I imagine he ranted about me to them. But in my defence, the arguments were only over a few weeks, and he acknowledged his role in them and made changes to his schedule to fit me in more.

I can understand his mum being protective and think with time (and when she meets me), will come around. She doesn't dislike me, tbh he doesn't really know what her reservations are other than she said she doesn't think we will last beyond lockdown ending. No reasons given.

However, it is his friend I don't understand. They are very close and from the day we started dating, she had no interest in getting to know me, learn anything about me, or meet me. I never thought anything of it until the arguments started, and she tried to convince him to break up with me. When he didn't she got upset with him and didn't talk to him for a few weeks. When they got back in contact, she still made her displeasure clear and tried to stop him from going on a trip with me. He got exasperated with her and took a bit of space. When they planned to meet up again, I decided to offer a gesture and baked her a cake i sent with him. She refused to take it (he only told me this after I asked him). He got cross with her and asked her to not be rude. When they met up again, and he asked her how she would be if we were to meet, she said she'd be civil and that was it. There are plans being made for June when things re-open and I am not invited to any of them. She won't refer to me as his gf either. Will ask him questions like, 'How's your lovelife?' - one year on. I only know all this because I asked - in his defence he didn't want me to know. But it's getting hard to hide the truth.

I think she has made it clear that she does not like me, and any meeting with her (and her husband) will be awkward for me. She lives closer to him than I do, so they see each other a few times a week (all SD walks). So she's not someone I can just ignore. Also she is part of his core social group as well. I have asked if she has been like this with other ex-es, and he confirmed that she is just very protective of him so has always been negative about anyone he has dated or liked.

This is really getting me down, even though my bf has reassured me that he likes me and doesn't let other opinions influence him. He thinks I shouldn't care about her or his mum, as I'm the one he is in a relationship with. And I have tried that, but everytime he goes off to meet friend (which is 2-3 times a week), I feel anxious and worried about what she will do to break us up. I don't tell him that. And also I feel weird that he has such a large part of his social life where I cannot feature, because she doesn't want me there. Atm it is ok, as we are in lockdown, but as life re-opens how can I be happy with my bf spending most of his free time with a woman who is rude about me, and has openly snubbed me, and is trying to break us up. And having this social life I will always be excluded from.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to walk away from all this drama and negativity. But I really like him, and we haven't had any problems since those initial arguments. But i'm very stressed about his friend and how much she will be in his life (and I guess mine) - I have never had someone openly dislike me this way and it upsets me. He re-assures me that she can't influence him, but I question how he can be happy hanging out so much with someone who pretends his gf doesn't exist. But I would never give an ultimatum, as I want this to be something he resolves himself.

What would you do if you were me? My ideal situation would be she decides to be friendly and welcoming and makes it less awkward for me. But based on recent conversations and the fact I'm excluded from plans makes me think this won't happen. How do I deal? Any advice welcome as I'm feeling very low atm.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Yes, you're right, and this is what I told him last night. That it wasn't her opinion I cared about, it was the fact he is spending so much time with someone who was rude about me/snubbed me/trying to break us up. That's hard to ignore! He said he had hoped with time, and with her seeing we were getting more serious, she'd come around. And had made it clear to her he didn't want bitching about me. He thought that was enough. But hadn't realised how much it upset me, so is going to reduce contact. Guess I have to see now if he does keep his word...

@Suagar The overtime was because he had just bought a flat and needed the money. It's very good pay. Tbh this is why we had argued as I didn't realise why he was doing it, and thought he just wasn't keen on me. Also he does shift work and I don't so this was a period of huge adjustment for both of us as I have only ever dated 9-5 types, and he'd only dated shift workers. It meant either he had to get up very early or I had to stay up very late, and we had to work to find a compromise where we both got sleep! He doesn't do the over time anymore. As a bf he is very attentive, and I do get a bulk of his time and energy so I can't fault him for that. He was single for 4 years before me, so I think he's comfortable enough on his own that he wouldn't be in a relationship just for the sake of it. I hope so anyway!

He meets his friend during his days off for lunchtime walks (she is on furlough) as I am working during that time. So it doesn't affect the time we have together.

@OodlesPoodle

I totally agree with other posters on here !

And why does he spend so much of his time with her then?
(I know Lockdowns at times can feel too intense and Claustropic,
is this somewhat the reason too why he prefer to bit outside so nuch? then?

I think your partner best friend is such a needy jealous and manipulative,
(that frankly any woman who he became close to in any way whether platonic (non- sexual/romantic or otherwise ,
this woman would have issues with?
she sounds very much Territorial (very protective)in another words too,

she enjoys your partner attention far too much and is far too needy in a child like manner to want to share him with anyone else,!

Her issues with you over what your partner said about your relantship to her and his mother,
his best friend is using this a excuse somewhat to carry on as she means to either carry on keeping you at a distance and or have a tepid,(very luke warm relantship with you

I sense your Partner is far too much of a people pleaser and in the recent past this has created a lot of misunderstanding .!

@thosetalesofunexpected Yes, he loves walking (he is very sporty). She has taken up lunchtime walks on furlough to get out of the house. Apparently they only started this routine from Lockdown 1. However, if I'm not working he walks with me, so it's only the days I'm unavailable he goes with her. They only tend to be 45 mins normally.

I do think you are right in what you say that she is quite possessive of him. Ugh. I think if he doesn't take a lot of space from her I'll have to leave him.

Big red flags sticking out there op I’d not trust him , I can guarantee you will be back here again once you finally realise what he’s like ! Run for the hills I wish I’d listened to my mates advice with my knob head ex , always other people against us being together jealous blah blah . No Gordon you were a sleazy rat that enjoyed playing woman off against each other and now you are on your own still living in your parents garden in a shitty caravan , no woman fighting over you now! I dumped his ass and met my now husband and haven’t looked back . I only found out after finishing with him that the reason others hated me and used to kick off was because he was bitching every time we had an argument and went and fed them lies saying I was calling them names etc. How young and naive I was

Not exactly the same but I had awful issues with DP's best friend years ago. She would ignore me, make pointed comments, gave him exaggerated hugs, on and on with petty childish behavior. She had a DP who was often present for this! DP tried to fix it. He stood up for me. Arranged double dates to try and mend bridges. It was a disaster. She finally did something so nasty to me I just had enough. I knew DP was trying but I didn't want to be involved with her anymore. He offered to end the friendship for me but I didn't want him to do it "for me". So from then on he socialised with her on his own. We had plenty of other friends to socialize with together. Before we moved in together though I was adamant there was no way I was being made feel uncomfortable in my own home. If he wanted to meet up with her, arrange it for elsewhere. DP completely agreed. And he got less and less tolerant of her refusal to acknowledge me as our relationship got more serious. They text still very occasionally but haven't met up in years. She has never met our DC, she ignores their existence too, it's so weird. On meeting DP's other old friends it turns out she has fallen out with many people over the years and has form for being very insecure and possessive so I know it wasn't just me 🤷🏻‍♀️. I think in all honesty, their friendship never matured past their late teens. They listened to the same music, shared the same interests and had the same conversations as they had 10 years previously. And that teen jealously of "he's my best friend" just never left her. I could see it in him too, he had a certain loyalty to her simply for how long they had known each other. It clashed too much with him growing up and having a family. The friendship had to either adapt or fizzle out and in this case, it fizzled.

I think the most important thing to ask is... Does your DP have your back? And I'd be looking for him to prove it with actions, not just words. I know you have had a chat now but watch carefully to see if he follows through or if it's just talk. If he does not proactively support you, insist on you being treated with respect as his GF, then I would walk as you are flogging a dead horse and it is never gonna work if he's not loyal to you first and foremost. Your DP really does not come across well in the way he has handled things so far so I would be expecting a big turnaround or I would be gone!

This woman he is best friends I think she has serious personality disorder such as being a "Narc".
Narcist .!

Watch out sooner or later she will doing some serious gas lightening of yourself ,
such as making you out to be the one who has the issue with her ect !

Honestly, I would be running for the hills. Too much bullshit, too much drama, too big of a headache. It really shouldn't be this hard at the start of a relationship. Move on.

this..

and I agree OP it really shouldn't be this hard, he sounds like a right Prick. 🌺

This is one of those ‘shark cage’ tests, isn’t it?

Anyone with decent boundaries and self-esteem would be long gone from this relationship.

They wouldn’t have been having the lengthy arguments about hours, and hosting, and this, and that. They’d have just dumped the guy and moved on, way back then.

I don’t know what you want people to tell you OP. There is nothing remotely attractive about this man, to any one of us reading.

There is nothing remotely salvageable about this relationship.

It’s dead in the water. And the longer you stay with him, the further his respect for you plummets.

@NCcrazybff

Not exactly the same but I had awful issues with DP's best friend years ago. She would ignore me, make pointed comments, gave him exaggerated hugs, on and on with petty childish behavior. She had a DP who was often present for this! DP tried to fix it. He stood up for me. Arranged double dates to try and mend bridges. It was a disaster. She finally did something so nasty to me I just had enough. I knew DP was trying but I didn't want to be involved with her anymore. He offered to end the friendship for me but I didn't want him to do it "for me". So from then on he socialised with her on his own. We had plenty of other friends to socialize with together. Before we moved in together though I was adamant there was no way I was being made feel uncomfortable in my own home. If he wanted to meet up with her, arrange it for elsewhere. DP completely agreed. And he got less and less tolerant of her refusal to acknowledge me as our relationship got more serious. They text still very occasionally but haven't met up in years. She has never met our DC, she ignores their existence too, it's so weird. On meeting DP's other old friends it turns out she has fallen out with many people over the years and has form for being very insecure and possessive so I know it wasn't just me 🤷🏻‍♀️. I think in all honesty, their friendship never matured past their late teens. They listened to the same music, shared the same interests and had the same conversations as they had 10 years previously. And that teen jealously of "he's my best friend" just never left her. I could see it in him too, he had a certain loyalty to her simply for how long they had known each other. It clashed too much with him growing up and having a family. The friendship had to either adapt or fizzle out and in this case, it fizzled.

I think the most important thing to ask is... Does your DP have your back? And I'd be looking for him to prove it with actions, not just words. I know you have had a chat now but watch carefully to see if he follows through or if it's just talk. If he does not proactively support you, insist on you being treated with respect as his GF, then I would walk as you are flogging a dead horse and it is never gonna work if he's not loyal to you first and foremost. Your DP really does not come across well in the way he has handled things so far so I would be expecting a big turnaround or I would be gone!

Absolutely. Well said

They're either in a relationship, were in a relationship, or want to be in a relationship, all shady of course as she's married. OBVIOUSLY.

Run.

Hmmm reading some of the latest comments, I'm very curious. Once people hit their 30s do they really not have arguments/discussions about how best to blend their lives together, more so than 20s as you are more set in your ways? Are relationships generally considered easy in the early stages because people don't discuss big stuff early on, instead waiting years to address it?

Because so many of the relationships I see around me, and on this forum, couples are having arguments and breaking up about things they should have resolved in the early stages.

To me, we both recognised these issues early on around our different schedules and how lockdown 1 had impacted both our lives - he is a frontline worker who had to move back to his mums and was leaking money as his renovations were stalled, I was facing redundancy and was isolated alone. Both heavy life changes for a new couple a few months in. But to me shows we can empathise, communicate, resolve conflict and compromise, and he is willing to listen to me, and make adjustments - a good thing for relationship longevity? Given how many men stonewall, refuse to discuss problems, acknowledge their mistakes or find resolutions - I thought he was emotionally mature enough to do this and cares about me enough to not run at the first bump in the road. I agree he handled the situation with his friend and mother very badly by ranting about me to them (but also acknowledging he is living with his mum temporarily atm so hard to hide his upset). But I think we all discuss relationship problems with our families/friends, so not an unforgiveable mistake?

Of course, if he cannot find a way to distance from this friend, or have my back then I will be gone. Or if I find he has made all this up for some reason, I will definitely be gone.

But doesn't he deserve the chance to rectify this, and is it really fair to dump someone because their friends/family are being negative (even though it isn't impacting how he treats me or our day to day life?). When we had the conversation (after I posted here), he understood how I felt and offered ways to improve things. So isn't it right to see if he follows through? Wouldn't it be worse if he was willing to discard a 15 years friendship or fight with his mother immediately because a new gf got upset? Because that means he could as easily discard me. Could I really fault him for hoping time would heal all wounds, and he could avoid any confrontation, but now realises they haven't, it's impacting me so needs to take action.

I am just generally curious, as I see it a lot, LTB, but also know in real life it is very difficult to meet people who you not only gel with and love, but who can navigate obstacles with you. I know some might see it as a lack of boundaries or being weak - and if he doesn't follow through and I still stay, it will be. But it seems sad to dump a man who I love who day to day emotionally supports me, accepts my flaws, great sex, is good to me and pulls his weight domestically, because he works a different schedule to me, is stuck renovating a flat so can't host me, or is caught in an awkward place with a friend and mum who are negative about a relationship because he naively confided our issues to them. And I had never told him how much it bothered me.

But I am curious about whether I am missing something here?

But that's the point, it's too much drama, it shouldn't require big discussions and arguments.

A friend of his who has never met you is being a bitch about you. He should be telling her to wind her neck in and stop spending time with her unless and until she can be respectful of you and your relationship with him. But he's not, he's still having multiple walks and video calls with her He is the problem and he is continuing the drama by insisting on remaining so close to her despite her behaviour. If anyone was so horrible about my partner they simply wouldn't be my friend anymore.

You’re very ready to find justification and explanation for his behaviour. I still am concerned that you said he wasn’t bothered about what impact this had on you and it didn’t occur to him that he needed to deal with it until you made it clear that he had to.

OP I think what you write shows more thought, understanding and maturity than the vast majority of posters here offering their advice. I know you were asking for it and that it's great to get other perspectives but you are the one in this relationship and I would trust your own judgement more that what seems to be a majority here heckling you to dump him without ado.

“ friend and mum who are negative about a relationship because he naively confided our issues to them. “

Naive indeed, there’s only one of you in the relationship who that applies to, and it isn’t him. He slagged you off so badly that his mum and his best mate want nothing to do with you! But poor naive fool eh?
As for your piss poor excuse about how he was living with his mum so couldn’t hide his feelings from her....didn’t he also claim his mum was really pessimistic about things?
You’d think he’d want to protect her then, not bring her down by relaying petty bullshit about his girlfriend and his relationship problems, wouldn’t you? But then he didn’t protect you or your mental health either by telling you how disliked you are by the other women in his life, so I guess he sees nothing wrong with spreading misery and bad feeling.

Still, your update seems to imply that you know better than anyone here who has taken the time to give you advice, so knock yourself out with this loser - I hope you have a taste for bullshit because I suspect you’ll be expected to swallow more of it in future.

@Monr0e

But that's the point, it's too much drama, it shouldn't require big discussions and arguments.

A friend of his who has never met you is being a bitch about you. He should be telling her to wind her neck in and stop spending time with her unless and until she can be respectful of you and your relationship with him. But he's not, he's still having multiple walks and video calls with her He is the problem and he is continuing the drama by insisting on remaining so close to her despite her behaviour. If anyone was so horrible about my partner they simply wouldn't be my friend anymore.

Exactly this. He's mates with someone who actively dislikes you and knowing this he's meeting up with her regularly. Whether she was a male or female mate this would still be shitty behaviour. I can't imagine wanting to spend time, let alone a lot of it, with someone who actively disliked my partner. Because I love him and think he's ace. Your boyfriend is disloyal, not for moaning about you (loads of people do that when they're annoyed) but for spending time with someone who thinks you're a prick and isn't shy about saying so. AND for then telling you people don't like you! Your boyfriend sound like a dickhead!

If you like to stay, stay but you need to think about how long can you last with him in this situation. Staying with someone for too long can robbed your years from finding someone better.

That’s the notable thing about my relationship with DH. We got together when I’d just turned 30. And what was so refreshing about him, and how I knew he was a keeper, was because it was a natural, aligned, easy fit.

If you’re judging this by the standards of the failing relationships you see discussed on here - and not the loving, mutually satisfying ones that people have no need to post about on MN - then you may well think you’re onto a good thing, but your benchmark would be way off.

Again, I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for, as it’s not a situation most people would be trying to salvage.

DH has a big circle of friends - some he’s much closer to than others. Among his close friends are several women. I’m now good friends with them too, as they were all keen to meet me and get to know me. They couldn’t have been more welcoming. They love and care about him - they’re weren’t and not for a second have been weirdly possessive - so of course they were happy to see him happy.

That was all part and parcel of the ease with which our relationship formed in the early days.

"so knock youself out with this looser"

No really, this man is DISLOYAL.

Unless you did something so dipicable that they have every right to refuse to meet you ever again then I'm sorry you don't seem to understand the significance of how badly this is.

Your primary partner is meant to make you feel safe and secure, but you have been placed in the possition of an opponent with his mother and friend. He created this devide and then has the audacity of relaying this back to you.
He is no friend, he is your foe.

I wonder who else he has criticised you to, you may have a whole army of enemies you have not yet met.

Do you honestly believe that if you are in a supposedly loving sexual relationship with someone that they cannot be capable of doing evil.

Despicable.

What you're missing is that things aren't going to change.

He sounds married. You are being played on a number of levels, but I guess since you love him, you'll just have to put up with it.

Have you seen this flat he has been renovating for a year? Such big renovations that he can't live in it? Given that flats can't be extended I am curious as to what he is having done that has taken 12+ months?

Also, how do you know he lives with his Mum and not a wife? Given you are not allowed to meet his Mum you have no idea what the truth is.