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Relationships

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Original poster

His friend and family don't like me

103 replies

OodlesPoodle · 16/03/2021 12:56

Regular poster but NC to not be linked to my other posts.

I've been dating my bf for a year. We met just before lockdown and are in our 30s. Our relationship is good and I have very strong feelings for him. However, we have a problem that his mother and best friend (woman) do not like me and are vocal about it.

We had some arguments a few months into our relationship, mainly about his crazy working hours (that he was volunteering for) which meant we barely saw each other, his flat being renovated meant I was the only one hosting which took its toll, and with lockdown and redundancy fears it was all quite stressful. These have all been resolved now. Unfortunately he discussed these arguments with his friend and mum (he is living with his mum while his flat gets renovated), and because of it they have taken a strong dislike to me. I have met other friends and colleagues of his who have all liked me.

They have not met me yet despite us all living in the same town. I initially assumed it was because of lockdown but even in the Summer when things opened up, there was no interest in meeting me, and he has now confirmed (after I suggested something for this summer) that they aren't interested period. They have no real reason shared as to why they don't like me, other than the arguments put them off, and they didn't like seeing him upset. I imagine he ranted about me to them. But in my defence, the arguments were only over a few weeks, and he acknowledged his role in them and made changes to his schedule to fit me in more.

I can understand his mum being protective and think with time (and when she meets me), will come around. She doesn't dislike me, tbh he doesn't really know what her reservations are other than she said she doesn't think we will last beyond lockdown ending. No reasons given.

However, it is his friend I don't understand. They are very close and from the day we started dating, she had no interest in getting to know me, learn anything about me, or meet me. I never thought anything of it until the arguments started, and she tried to convince him to break up with me. When he didn't she got upset with him and didn't talk to him for a few weeks. When they got back in contact, she still made her displeasure clear and tried to stop him from going on a trip with me. He got exasperated with her and took a bit of space. When they planned to meet up again, I decided to offer a gesture and baked her a cake i sent with him. She refused to take it (he only told me this after I asked him). He got cross with her and asked her to not be rude. When they met up again, and he asked her how she would be if we were to meet, she said she'd be civil and that was it. There are plans being made for June when things re-open and I am not invited to any of them. She won't refer to me as his gf either. Will ask him questions like, 'How's your lovelife?' - one year on. I only know all this because I asked - in his defence he didn't want me to know. But it's getting hard to hide the truth.

I think she has made it clear that she does not like me, and any meeting with her (and her husband) will be awkward for me. She lives closer to him than I do, so they see each other a few times a week (all SD walks). So she's not someone I can just ignore. Also she is part of his core social group as well. I have asked if she has been like this with other ex-es, and he confirmed that she is just very protective of him so has always been negative about anyone he has dated or liked.

This is really getting me down, even though my bf has reassured me that he likes me and doesn't let other opinions influence him. He thinks I shouldn't care about her or his mum, as I'm the one he is in a relationship with. And I have tried that, but everytime he goes off to meet friend (which is 2-3 times a week), I feel anxious and worried about what she will do to break us up. I don't tell him that. And also I feel weird that he has such a large part of his social life where I cannot feature, because she doesn't want me there. Atm it is ok, as we are in lockdown, but as life re-opens how can I be happy with my bf spending most of his free time with a woman who is rude about me, and has openly snubbed me, and is trying to break us up. And having this social life I will always be excluded from.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to walk away from all this drama and negativity. But I really like him, and we haven't had any problems since those initial arguments. But i'm very stressed about his friend and how much she will be in his life (and I guess mine) - I have never had someone openly dislike me this way and it upsets me. He re-assures me that she can't influence him, but I question how he can be happy hanging out so much with someone who pretends his gf doesn't exist. But I would never give an ultimatum, as I want this to be something he resolves himself.

What would you do if you were me? My ideal situation would be she decides to be friendly and welcoming and makes it less awkward for me. But based on recent conversations and the fact I'm excluded from plans makes me think this won't happen. How do I deal? Any advice welcome as I'm feeling very low atm.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 16/03/2021 15:47

He needs to ditch the friend really for being so unsupportive and rude and you've pointed out that she was like that about you before the arguments so whatever the issue is it's unfounded and she's being an asshole (or more likely fancies him and hates another woman getting him)

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 16/03/2021 15:48

it pisses me off that he spends so much of his free time with someone who can't even acknowledge he has a gf. Makes me feel like I'm an 'other woman' (I know there's definitely nothing going on between them)
She won't acknowledge you, she's been nasty to other gf's she wants to keep him on the backburner, just in case she needs him.

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2021 15:52

Op. Are you sure he’s telling you the truth. Are you sure it’s not he doesn’t wish you to meet her?

Original poster

OodlesPoodle · 16/03/2021 16:00

@Bluntness100

I can't be 100% sure if I'm honest. But I can't think of any good reason why not. Their friendship is known by all his other friends and her husband so it can't be that he/she wants it to be a secret. I haven't seen any evidence from her, only what he has said. We do all live very close by so there is a good chance we could bump into each other in the supermarket or about town. Same as his mum.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 16/03/2021 22:55

I agree with pp, it seems really odd that they're refusing to meet you, even though you're together and disagreements have been resolved.

Either he said something really bad things that they can't forgive...or he's lying.

Sunflower1970 · 17/03/2021 05:25

I can’t believe that you and him are letting this woman control you. You need to care less and he needs to grow a pair. He also needs to decide where his priorities lie. I would also be concerned on how disloyal he is and how he has portrayed you. She didn’t talk to him for a few months ??? Wtf? There’s 3 people in this relationship and I think,I would be heading for the exit!!!!!

Blueberries0112 · 17/03/2021 05:30

His friend wants him. His mom want his friend to be the one, I guess. I would let them win this one and run. Too much baggage

Tlollj · 17/03/2021 05:40

They don't have to be shagging, she probably likes him hanging round despite her being married. She likes the attention.
Tell him you want to meet up see what he says. He must have said something pretty bad for them both to be carrying it on. How long before he can move into his own flat?

KinseyWinsey · 17/03/2021 05:41

Just because his friend is married etc doesn't mean she doesn't want your bf too.

Maybe she really enjoyed hearing about the rows and now he's singing your praises, she's pissed off.

She sounds like a bitch. And she's in his life.

I'd just dump him. It isn't going to change.

Oblomov21 · 17/03/2021 05:44

Too much damage had already been done to rectify this. He sounds like wet blanket, running to his mummy and bad mouthing you. Do you honestly think things are going to get better? They won't. You are naieve to think this has any longevity. His horrible mum is right about it not lasting past lockdown. Have you actually really considered what sort of man allows all this to happen. I would've taken them both them both to one side and told them, good and straight ages ago.

Neap · 17/03/2021 05:53

So, you’ve been together a year, and only a few months in you were already having serious arguments about his working hours and lack of hosting that lasted several weeks and that he vented about to his mother and best friend about, and now he’s continually passing on what he deems their negative opinion of you? Quite a lot doesn’t sound ideal there.

And honestly, OP, can you really not think why someone might invent or exaggerate hostility from people he’s close to that you’ve never met who are apparently lastingly cross because your attempts to assert yourself early in the relationship ‘upset’ him? You have never met either of them, and have only his word to go on about cake refusals, leaving you out of plans, opinion you two won’t last beyond lockdown etc, and the drip feed of negativity is doing exactly what it’s designed to — keep you on the defensive, desperate for approval, baking cakes for complete strangers.

Ask yourself how you know so much about what two women you’ve never met think of you.

youshallnotpass9 · 17/03/2021 05:54

This sounds very much like an I dont want him, but I dont want anyone else to have him.

I could not be arsed with the drama and I would ditch him and tell him why

Neap · 17/03/2021 06:11

@Oblomov21

Not if it suits him this way because he’s exaggerated a possible mild negativity from his mother and friend into a major ongoing antipathy designed to keep his girlfriend confused and eager to please.

Remember she’s never met either ‘horrible’ woman, so, assuming they’re not actually phoning or messaging the OP to tell her how awful she is, her entire knowledge of the situation relies on hearsay, and on her believing what her boyfriend tells her.

And I’d be very interested in the motivation of someone who is passing on this much negativity and ascribing it to other people in his life. One obvious available reading of the situation is that he doesn’t want the OP to meet either woman for some reason, and does not want her to socialise with his main group of friends once lockdown ends, and has created or exaggerated this negativity as an ‘alibi’. I don’t know why that might be, obviously, but it’s not great, is it?

Rainbowshine · 17/03/2021 09:55

He genuinely cannot understand why I'm so upset about all this because he doesn't care about anyone's opinions on him.

So he doesn’t care about how this impacts on you and that somehow you’re wrong for being too sensitive/overreacting at the terrible behaviour being shown towards you?

Sod that and end things, it won’t get better.

Spied · 17/03/2021 10:09

I think your bf is trying to keep you at arm's length.
Even if this isn't the case it is very obvious his dm and his friend are above you on his list if priorities.

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2021 10:13

Op, sorry it’s not he or she wants to keep their Friendship a secret. Sorry that’s not what I meant. I meant is it possible he doesn’t wish you to meet them because he’s just not that into the relationship or you might find out something about him, or some other reason, and he’s just blaming them?

What you describe is very rare. Generally friends and family want to meet a partner, even if things were Rocky originally. Which leads me to think it’s him, he doesn’t want you involved with them. And he’s blaming them because he can’t tell you straight.

Wanderlusto · 17/03/2021 10:24

Yeh it'll be that they know something about him that he doesn't want you knowing.

Sunflower1970 · 17/03/2021 10:24

Maybe he doesn't see any longeivity in this relationship so is just looking for reasons not to introduce you to his nearest and dearest
Either way - can you really be arsed with the drama?

Beefcurtains79 · 17/03/2021 10:29

It wasn’t one stupid ‘bigmouth mistake’ though was it? He slagged you off to his mum, and his mate, so on at least 2 separate occasions.
You seem keen to make excuses for him, but this is all down to him.
Why would you want to spend time with someone who hates your partner? Why doesn’t he tell her that she needs to accept you or the friendship is over.
Why did you bake her a cake? And when she refused it why didn’t he point out that it was him that gave you the bad press and it wasn’t fair on you?

ArthurBloom · 17/03/2021 10:32

Please ignore the posters here saying "Run for the hills"
People here act as if they never vent to anyone, this is simple
The friend is a snake, it's as simple as that, she is being overly defensive and pathetic.
And his mum is simply being rude, arguments happen in relationships and it's normal for people to vent, however the majority of posters here act as if they have flawless relationships, their partners never vent etc.

You just need to not be as kind about it, stop bothering trying to meet his friend, she is a lost cause, and his mum will need to get over herself.

Wanderlusto · 17/03/2021 10:40

@ArthurBloom

Please ignore the posters here saying "Run for the hills" People here act as if they never vent to anyone, this is simple The friend is a snake, it's as simple as that, she is being overly defensive and pathetic. And his mum is simply being rude, arguments happen in relationships and it's normal for people to vent, however the majority of posters here act as if they have flawless relationships, their partners never vent etc.

You just need to not be as kind about it, stop bothering trying to meet his friend, she is a lost cause, and his mum will need to get over herself.

Two people don't like her even though they've never met her and he is the common denominator. Dont you think that's strange? What's more likely, one person is a shit stirring jerk or two women in his life have 'issues' with someone they have never even met? I mean...the later is possible of course, but a lot less likely.

suggestionsplease1 · 17/03/2021 10:43

Do they think you're being controlling if the original arguments were about how much time he spent with you?

I would find it a bit odd to be sent a cake in this situation to be honest. If I had concerns my friend was in a controlling relationship and their partner sent me a cake I would be thinking 'Is this meant to buy my silence/approval of the partner/relationship?'

ravenmum · 17/03/2021 11:11

Are you 100% sure that he's not actually living in his flat with a woman, hence the lack of time to see you, and making up stories to explain why you can't meet anyone? I ask as I have come across precisely this before - in my case, the guy claimed that his parents wanted him to get back together with his wife, and that was why they didn't want to meet his new girlfriends.

ravenmum · 17/03/2021 11:13

(This guy also introduced me to very select friends of his.)

SVRT19674 · 17/03/2021 11:20

Well........I had a LDR in my early twenties for four years and his mum insisted on meeting me and some of his friends. Looking back I realise that he only humoured thse who insisted. I wanted more interaction and for him to meet my family but he wouldn´t. It was like talking to a wall. When we broke up I called his mum and one thing she told me was that he always kept his personal life completely separate from his family. She said he never ever told them anything, she sort of gave up asking. During this convo I actually had the distinct impression she actually liked me. Three years later! he sent me a letter actually referring to this conversation and saying that the reason he kept things separate wasn´t the one I told his mum (not serious about relationship) but didn´t go on to elaborate! Can´t be bothered by this shit at 46 but wasn´t experienced enough at 24 to call out bullshit. I hope you see this for what it is. It is him.

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