To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

OP, did he wind up going to the office today? Or did he change his mind and stay home?

It's hard to explain how it feels when you are being controlled but not in an obvious way. For example, in my marriage, I could do whatever I wanted - except, I couldn't. Nobody had ever said this, but I just knew. The odd time that I did go for nights out that DH didn't approve of, I was punished, but it wasn't anything you could put your finger on. He didn't do anything or say anything much, but I knew I was in the bad books, and even now I can remember times, 15 years later, I can remember how sick and guilty and worried I felt about what I'd done to him.

We had the "team" thing too. When I met DP and he went out into my garden one day to tidy up and cut the lawn again I felt so sick because any job in the house and especially the garden would have NEEDED me to be there. But it was framed as me "helping", as us "being a team", as me being his right-hand man. We were both teachers and I just DREADED the Easter holidays in particular as that would be when some big project would be under way and I would get no rest at all. I would also be wrangling two small children by the end and in charge of cleaning, cooking etc because he would be so busy. And all the mental load would fall to me too as he was so busy - everything would somehow end up being stressful and chaotic, like we somehow wouldn't have enough food, or someone was coming to stay so a certain job had to be done by a certain time. I am so amazed now with DP that life isn't like that! If I look in the fridge and there's nothing for tea, he puts his coat on, says "I'm popping to the shop. I'll get chicken and curry sauce and naan bread and we can have a curry. I'll be back in ten minutes". No stress. I don't have to think about it. Nobody sulks or gets hangry. I don't have to traipse round the garden raking leaves or lugging bags of garden waste unless I want to. If DP tidies the garden, he likes me to look at it and say "hey, that's great", but he doesn't huff and puff and moan about his aches and pains and have to be waited on hand and foot.

ExDH still tries to control me now, by text mostly, and again it's massively subtle but it invariably boils down to me having to put myself out for him, and never, ever the other way round. And yes there are still the sulks and strops if I don't.

That's the thing, pinkflask, it's all so subtle. My ex has got away with everything he did to me because it was all so easily deniable and he is a very, very good liar. I don't have a hope in hell of holding him to account. A lot of your post really resonates with me. Your now DP sounds lovely!

Yogi I'm so glad your sisters are there for you and doing what they can to help, that's great . I would say that you'd be better to wait until you are heading out the door (if you have someone else with you) or have actually moved to tell him it's over. As RUOK said, it's the most dangerous time.

Hope you're okay, namechange.

@whitespotsgreenleaves

Suggesting that abuse victims stand up to their abusers is irresponsible and dangerous advice. The best thing to do is support victims to escape safely

Absolutely this.

Some posters here just don't get it. They just don't understand that these men are not normal and don't respond like normal people do.
Those posters have only ever known normal and don't seem to understand that ' you just need to be assertive, like me' just isn't going to cut it with these abusive men.

Exactly.

And - "just stand up to him?" - for what purpose?

Abusers do not change.

An abuser will not change their behaviour as a result of their victim simply "standing up to them" or "being more assertive". They will not suddenly think "oh yes perhaps I am being unreasonable" and change.

If "being more assertive" worked as a method of changing abusers to stop being abusive, MN would be full of threads with women explaining to others how well this worked for them and how they're now in a very happy relationship simply though having learned to be "more assertive".

Of course it's not. It's full of women having escaped abusive relationships advising other women how to leave.

He will not change. You cannot change him. To stop being a victim of abuse you need to leave your abuser. That is the only way.

@Cavagirl @DoverSoul, @pinkflask YES to all of that. I am out now and officially divorced, but will probably struggle with the wounds and unfairness of it all for the rest of my life.

[quote namechangeforadvicepls]@katy1213 that all sounds so lovely.

I used to love going to the cinema, but I've barely been in the past ten years because he doesn't like it. That's one of the things I imagine I would do in my new life, just go to the cinema, even on my own. I couldn't do it now because of the phonecalls.

In fact, I did a college course a couple of years ago and one day I told him I was going but I told college I was ill, and I had a genuine day off because he didn't really ring me when I was at college because he knew I couldn't answer, or do anything to help him even if I did.

It was bliss, it was so peaceful and I thought maybe I could go to the cinema. I drove to a big cineworld one and I didn't end up going in but I remember that day so fondly.[/quote]
OP please remember this day that you wrote about - once you've left every day can be like that.

Sending love OP. Hope you're ok

I’m just thinking - could I have gone to the cinema on my own when I was married? I mean, yes, I wasn’t locked in the house, I had my own money, I could have gone. But if I’d suggested it somehow it would have turned into a trip for us to do together, that’s almost certain. Then there would have been a period of bafflement that I wanted to go alone and a bit of “banter-y” interrogation, then a real suspicion I was going to meet someone without telling him, and he’d probably insist of “helping” by dropping me off and picking me up, and the whole thing would have been fraught and I’d have spent it looking at the time and worrying I’d be back late or something.

But it all seemed very normal! It’s only now, when I realise my DP would say “that sounds great. You could do with some time on your own. I saw a film in the paper you’d probably like. Tell me when you’ll be back and I’ll get dinner ready for you, or why don’t you stay out and get something to eat”. That sort of response would have been...just unthinkable!

Totally get that, pinkflask. I'm still in awe of how he managed to manipulate me into thinking and doing things that the now me would never think or do. How the hell did he do it? I might suggest a film to watch and he'd just say "I'm not sure about that" in a seemingly normal voice and I would think "Hell yeah, it looks shit, I didn't want to watch that anyway" and I ended up making the choice. Argh!

@everythingbackbutyou

I did manage to make some phone calls today. Not as many as I wanted between working and the phone calls from him and hanging up a couple of times before I actually dare speak to anyone

I spoke to someone at the National DA Helpline. They were so nice to me. They pointed me to some local support too, and I spoke to them as well and I'm going to speak to them again tomorrow all being well. I also applied for another job.

I feel completely emotionally drained but I'm glad I did it. The hardest part is actually applying for the jobs, it was a relatively simple application but I find it so hard to apply for them and talk myself up after feeling so worthless and incompetent for so long.

@DoverSoul is 100% correct. Im not told "I don't want you this" but I know if I do it, there's repercussions! He doesn't have to say I cant do it because its already engraved in your mind from past things that have happened and how he dealt with it and what I dealt with for going or doing it in the first place.

I'm told constantly im untrustworthy and a liar. And in all honesty I am in ways. Ive went places or done something he wouldn't like me doing and ive hid it from him because I don't want the argument, the atmosphere and the silent treatment but at some point he finds out or I let it slip months later and then I'm told all over again im a liar and untrustworthy.
I shouldn't have to lie if I want to do something and I shouldn't have to hide it. But for an easier life I have. But im not untrustworthy in the sense hes making it out to be. Ffs I cant say hello to another man without meaning something in his head. He constantly thinks I'm flirting or chatting up other men. Im sick of it.. Hes put me off men for life so I'm definitely not flirting with any other men.
Ah im just disgusted I live this life and OP as well. Im a good decent person who just wanted to be love and in love. I never seen emotional or controlling abuse coming and now I'm 15 yrs in!

Well done @namechangeforadvicepls good on you! Im proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. What a huge step! x

Well done OP!

Wow OP, applying for jobs is a massive step, no wonder you're feeling drained.

Sounds like a pretty productive day!

Well done @namechangeforadvicepls
So delighted you're taking steps away from this horrible relationship!

Oh OP, you're neither worthless nor incompetent. You're intelligent and hardworking. So glad you made those calls. Just imagine if you were free to put all the energy you put into keeping your H from attacking you into your job, you'd fly up the ranks.

@yogibear0 That was my own comment about my situation. Not OP's but I was just trying to confirm to everyone it basically is like being in prison or you feel like you're still a child being told by a parent you can't do this or that there's no freedom. At 35 I don't feel like an adult even though I'm a mother now to two beautiful children

That’s how I feel all the time. I feel like I never really had the opportunity to grow and turn into an adult, I often feel like a child. He treats me very similarly to how my Mum did when I was growing up. Funnily enough, we’ve talked about how my Mum used to be towards me and he has loads of sympathy and says how awful it must have been!
Also, I constantly feel like a liar too, and it makes me feel like an awful person. Me and my Mum go for a cup of tea and a wander round a garden centre on a Saturday (in normal times) and occasionally my sister will come too. I never tell him in advance my sister is coming though because I know he wouldn’t want me to go then and something will “come up” at work that he’ll need me to do so I have to cancel. It’s easier all around if I tell him it’s just my Mum and then say she turned up randomly.

I dont know if you mentioned the problem he has with your sister op but i suspect she is much more supportive than your mum?

Abusive sorts often encourage you to spend time with similarly abusive people. But dont like it when you spend time with people who have your back.

@namechangeforadvicepls its really shitty that we have to do that just to have a bit of normality some days. Like did you ever dream youd have to lie to your partner about going for a cuppa with someone. Something so simple and totally innocent. Yet we have to cover ourselves in order to do something like that.

if I met someone living in my shoes (which I have, my sis in law whos married to his brother) i beg and beg for her to leave before she ends up shit deep like I am with kids under her feet too. Shes much younger than me and I keep telling her she will waste the best years of her life with him and look back like we are now. She basically lives the same as I do but hes pressuring her to have a baby now and to take her contraceptive out. I just plead with her not to walk the same road I have. Its just awful

@pinkflask that’s exactly what my life is like. Even your garden work example – the one or two times he’s ever cut the grass, he can’t just do it on his own, I have to be running in between the mower and the bin with the cut grass, or what have you. I just do it on my own now.
We bought our first house, and it needed renovating and we couldn’t afford much so I didn’t mind and he said he would do it up. I had to be there with him every minute he was, even when he was doing something I couldn’t help him with. I spent hours sitting in a cold, dirty house on the top step of the staircase, just so I could be chatting to him while he worked. He would have me get up to pass tools to him that were in his tool bag next to him – he’d spend longer explaining what the tool looked like than it would have for him to just grab it.
Also, similar to your ex “helping” you by giving you a lift – it was my sisters hen do and we went on a night out in a nearby city. We all went there in a mini bus and the mini bus was taking everyone back to my sister’s house, which is only about 8 minutes from ours. DH insisted on picking me up from the city itself – I can still remember the look on all the girls faces when I told them. It felt weird that he did that and I told him he didn’t have to but he insisted, and he even brought me a bottle of water and a sandwich in the car, so that was a nice thing wasn’t it, so why did everyone else look as weirded out by it as I felt?
The woman I spoke to at the helpline said to me today though that if people were abusive all the time it would be easy to leave, but it’s the mixture of horrible and nice that makes us so confused.

Can I ask how old you were when you left, and how did you manage to end it?

@namechangeforadvicepls, my exh was always insisting on picking me up from (extremely rare) nights out. It's like trying to pin down jello, articulating to other people why this behaviour is disturbing. And same situation with my mum as you - exh could barely stand her, which was ironic as they are peas in a pod.

I commented before @namechangeforadvicepls, the more you updated, the more horrific he sounds. Well done on what you have achieved today.
Also @yogibear0 I know how hard it is with young children, for you not being able to meet up with other mums and children is just awful. I would have been demented being stuck in all the time, not even able to go to the park.
My DH and I have had our ups and downs at times and he can be a moody bugger sometimes but he doesn't control my life.
For you OP not even being able to have a lie in ever and waking you up during the night- he us an abusive arsehole, sleep deprivation has been used in some countries as a form of torture. I wish you both and anyone else in the situation the strength and support for a new life away from them.

@wanderlusto she is, my sisters are amazing and I know they will support me when I leave, I just don’t want to burden them with it before I do.

One of the things that I feel has started to waken me up from all this is because of how he started treating my sister. She’s gorgeous but he made a “joke” about her not being good looking, why would anyone do that? He’s been nasty with her for a while, making lots of “telling it like it is” comments about her and her partner, telling them what they should do in a certain aspect of their life etc. A couple of weeks ago he said something about her, and I asked why he didn’t like her anymore, he went on a massive rant about how awful she had just suddenly started being to him (I’ve literally never heard her say anything to him but understandably since then if DH and my sister are together it’s a bit awkward) and he said “she’s just got it in for me, and I don’t know why”.

Sounds like he doesn't like women in general. And maybe senses that she sees him for what he is. And of course knows she would have your back so wants to put distance between you and her.

Wouldn't be surprised if he starts telling you upi are 'taking her side' if you continue spending time with her. In this imaginary argument he has created in his head.

I bet she will be so pleased for you when you leave. She probably suspects exactly what he is.

@namechangeforadvicepls it sounds like he feels threatened by your sister as she has the measure of him. He can't try and control her like he does with you, is that right?