DM's reliance on me - what to do?

[Loopyloo745]

I’m really concerned about my DM, that she doesn’t seem to be coping and how much she relies on me/needs me to do for her.
This has been going on for years but at the moment, she’s really struggling with a recent bereavement as her DH (who was terminally ill) died recently. She has been very dependent on me for years, dating back to when she was with my DDad (who treated her very badly) and has leaned on me a lot emotionally since I was a teenager.

I’m struggling a lot to deal with it myself, as it feels as though I need to think for her constantly as well as do so much for her. I’m struggling with my own MH, but I feel I’m having to suppress it and try to hide the fact I’m struggling because she needs so much support/so much done for her. I need to start on Sertraline soon, but I’ve been delaying because I can’t be out of action with the side effects of starting it right now. I don’t know if she realises that I’m able to be around and help more than most people would be, but I’m starting to feel that this is at a cost of me having my own independent life. I couldn’t even imagine being able to have a relationship/DC of my own when I’m spending so much time doing things for her and supporting her. I stay with her a lot as it is, but when I don’t, she seems to really struggle to cope without me being there.

I’ve repeatedly asked her for years to speak to someone about how she’s feeling/seek help/talk to her GP and consider trying medications, but she’s says she’s tried, these things don’t work and that’s that.

She is completely coherent (as in not lacking capacity/losing her faculties, if that’s the impression I’ve given.) I think right now she is struggling terribly with grief, but she has been very reliant on me for years and years.

Some examples of things she’s asked me to do very recently, or I do on a regular basis include;
⁃ Arranging her grocery delivery, working out what she needs (even if I’m not there), deciding what she’s going to eat for the next week and ordering it for her.
⁃ Dealing with all her paperwork
⁃ Paying her cleaner
⁃ Arranging repairs in her home
⁃ Dealing with everything to do with her DH’s death
⁃ Dictating fairly simple emails for her to send
⁃ Sorting out the probate for a relative who died over a year ago, but it got left
⁃ Dealing with the council and council tax for her relative’s house
⁃ Printing things
⁃ Sorting out returns labels for things she wants to send back
⁃ Sorting out her car insurance

These are just some examples, but in total, I spend hours every day doing things for her and I really need a break.

I don’t know what to do, I can’t leave her to cope on her own as she has no one else, but I feel I’m getting to breaking point. As well as the every day stuff, she gets so upset so much of the time, cries easily over little things and it’s very difficult to cope with 24/7. It feels selfish of me, but I wanted to be able to have my own life for a few years before she gets to the point of being elderly and frail and really needs my help.

Please, if anyone has any advice or has been through a similar experience, I would be so grateful to hear from you.

Why on earth are you doing her shopping?! Is this pre-covid?

How old is she?

@RosemarysCat I started doing the grocery orders at the beginning of Covid, she has asked me to carry on doing them for her and suggested she's not capable of doing her own orders (I think she is). She used to go to the shop and get things here and there before. I'm concerned she doesn't eat very well and doesn't have proper meals because she doesn't like cooking.

She's in her late 60s

Wow, that is a lot you're doing, OP!

Has she had her jabs?

Is she capable of doing these things herself? If yes then you need give her tough level and say she needs to do these things herself and only help with the things she finds really difficult or can't (i.e. if she has no printer at home).

Could she go into sheltered accommodation or a care home or have carers?

*tough love

This sounds very similar to my (now deceased) mil and how she behaved. Once her husband passed away, all that he used to do, fell to me. Eventually she was diagnosed with depression but it was years later so didn't help much.

I'm guessing that your mum doesn't have many close friends or interests that keep her mind occupied. It must be a really lonely life for her and very stressful for you.

I think all you can do is use positive reinforcement to encourage her to take back some control of her own life - this will take time and patience. I really do feel for you both. x

Wow, that's a lot you're doing for someone in decent health in their 60s.

What if you sat down and showed her how to do the online deliveries and how to add items etc?

Maybe she has just got used to a cushy life? I would love someone to do all that stuff for me!

The only thing I would say is that since her DH has recently died, she might reasonably need help with sorting out all the legal stuff. But the help you give her should be you helping her do it, not doing it for her.

My parents rely on me for some technology/computer stuff. But I am always insistent that I teach them how to do it, so they can do it in future. They write stuff down so they can look up how to do it again! I do have to tell them each thing more than once, but they want to learn.

I think this could be the way forward. Do you feel able to explain to your mum that your MH is suffering and you need to take care of yourself for a bit? If so, tell her she can start doing her own shopping etc immediately - it is ridiculous that she wants you to do that for her. But the trickier things on your list, like dealing with the legal stuff around DH's death, you might be better to phase out slowly if you can manage that? Say to her, 'what is it you find difficult about this task' and then teach her how to do it.

At least that way you can wean her off. And if she is unreasonable about it / refuses to learn, then you will know she is just taking advantage of you. You'll have to decide how you handle that one; whether you prefer to maintain a bad relationship, or to lay down the law and tell her how you want the relationship to be.

xx

@Lacucuracha to be completely honest, I think all of the things I do, she'd be capable of doing herself, or should be normally. I've shown her plenty of times, she has everything she needs, she had a demanding job in the past and was capable and organised.

I can understand if dealing with the paperwork/business matters etc to do with her DH's death is too upsetting for her, so I don't mind doing that, although there is a huge amount to do. It's the having to think for her over the most basic every day tasks I find draining.

She'd go absolutely crazy if I suggested having carers, although I might say it anyway in the hope
It registers that she needs to seek help.

She's not been able to have the vaccination because of health problems, so again, that means I can't go out and get things I need to do done because then I'd have to avoid her for several days afterwards.

You have to start weaning her off you. Tell her you can't do x and y as you don't have time, and if she then says she can't maybe suggest carers to her then. You are not responsible for your DM, she is an adult and responsible for her own happiness. I am sure it will go down like a lead balloon to start with, but this will only get worse as she ages.

My DPs who are in their 80s learnt how to do an online grocery order during lockdown. Your DM can certainly do it. As she's late 60s you could be doing this for another 20+ years.

I'd ease back gradually. Say no a few times. She's going to push back but don't give in, she needs to be able to do these things for her own independence.

@FeistySheep @RosemarysCat @Tiger2018

Thank you so so much to you all for replying, it feels really good to know I'm not so alone as I really am at breaking point. I don't mind putting in the time and doing things, especially the legal stuff, it's the emotional toll and having to think constantly for her on top of that which is pushing me beyond the point of feeling like I can cope.

She definitely is capable of doing things like online shopping, normal non upsetting admin tasks etc, but however many times I show her, she says she doesn't remember or whatever it is doesn't work (it always does when I look to see what's wrong) and I do wonder if it's just easier to say "I can't do it" while knowing someone else will have to step in and help.

I would really like a break, even just a couple of days, I don't mind where, a tent in the local park would be fine.

Every time I look at my phone and see a message I think oh god what will have happened now. I ignore my phone to get a bit of peace and usually switch it back on to find a load of missed calls and there's some new problem I need to sort out. I am really struggling with it. But I'm so worried about her, I feel like I can't abandon someone who's struggling and dealing with grief.

I’m not sure age is really the thing with people that claim that they can’t do things it’s more to do with personality. She just doesn’t want to do it and you have to decide if it’s her or you !

There’s nothing wrong with asking her to do her own tasks because you’re too busy, don’t feel guilty! You just have to tell her in a kind way and let yourself off the hook in how
guilty you’re feeling.

@Tiger2018 also - I forgot to say, she does have a lot of friends, more than I do actually. People have been very nice to her and contacted her/been very thoughtful, but it's me she really leans on emotionally and in terms of things that need doing.

It’s lovely you’re such a kind person. But this is taking its toll on you so it has to stop.

You’re enabling her. She could be leaning on you because it’s interaction. She’s lonely without her DH so it’s understandable.

You have to wean her off. But I think I’d make a gp appointment for her first and drag her down/be on the phone with her at the appointment time to make sure she gets help. She doesn’t want to change. She needs to be made to change.

And meds as you know can be really helpful. Perhaps she didn’t give anti-ds enough time to kick in and that’s why she thinks they don’t work. Once she gets the right meds it will help. You could also make an appointment for her with a bereavement councillor.

After that lot I’d tail back a bit. You could make her a list of all the food she likes and supervise her while she goes through it doing the online shopping order. Like you would when teaching someone something new. Don’t be jumping in too quickly to help.

Tell her you have new meds and you will likely not be able to help her much for a couple of weeks so that’s why you’re making sure she knows how to do everything now.

This sounds very harsh OP but there’s no practical difference between can’t and won’t. You need your own life too. Set yourself a six month timeline but don’t tell her. If she can’t/won’t learn to manage her own affairs within that time with your support, you need to withdraw, involve social services and look to setting up a power of attorney and getting in carers or moving her into sheltered accommodation.

I feel for you OP. How do a very similar amount of stuff for my 70 year old DM who has dementia and I find it overwhelming.
I do my DM’s shopping online and prioritise her needs over her wants. It’s the only way I can cope.
Do contact carer’s support organisation, they arranged counselling for me as I was coping with this and going through a bereavement and was close to a break down.

She has used you all her life.

You have been manipulated and exploited for decades......you have made many sacrifices being her doormat and she wipes her shoes on you whilst being able to had a highly demanding job, marriage and full social life - things it sounds like you have sacrificed.

She sounds entitled and immature.

Look up enmeshment.

You need to start disentangling because soon you will be her full time carer - row right back out of this.

She is more than capable of doing all of these things.

She has had enough of you already. She hasn’t considered your needs. There is nothing mutual about this.

Put down your boundaries. Start being less available, saying No and being clear that you will not be doing x,y,z regularly.

@Elieza @Bills2pay
Thank you - I really appreciate your comments. I know I do need to take a step back. I'm happy to help with the legal stuff for her late DH but everything else has to stop. I feel overwhelmed by how nice Pps have been here and I'm not being selfish for not being able to cope with all this.

@NeedToGetOuttaHere I'm so sorry that you're going through this. If she had dementia I wouldn't be saying this so much (but it's still a huge pressure and emotionally draining to be looking after and doing everything for someone who isn't actually able to do things even if they were prepared to).

When I had my counselling we talking about me and my mum being connected by a string. I didn’t want to cut the string but I needed it slacker. I learnt to step back and not do as much (it wasn’t easy at times) but I really had to. It was like a light switch and I remember saying out loud to myself I’m just as important, in fact more important (to myself) than my mum. The more I was doing the more she wanted and I was cracking up. I had no time for my own family or myself or my other parent who then died (they were divorced) while I was so busy doing stuff for my mum.
Make a list of what you aren’t prepared to do and then withdraw those services and stick to it.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am an only child, and when my df died 6 years ago, my mother nearly fell apart. We live in the same town and my mum was calling me several times a day about everything. I'm married with 4 teenagers and have health issues, and it almost broke me. Like you I took over all the administrative work from my Dad's death/ pension etc, her shopping , meal arrangements, and and she was not able to make any decision without running it by me. I effectively stepped into my Dad's shoes and she leaned on me completely. At the time , she didn't have any major health issues, but I ended up in hospital with a flare up of my chronic pain and severe anxiety. Ironically, it was the best thing that could have happened as my mother realised that she was stronger than she thought and started worrying about me for a change. Over the next few weeks she stopped calling me for everything, and started taking control of her life. I arranged 'meals on wheels ' daily, so her main meal was delivered daily and she started driving to the shops again to pick up some groceries. Unfortunately, her health deteriorated and she now has severe heart failure and lung problems. I have arranged home help for 1 hour a day, she has a personal alarm on her wrist and she still has meals on wheels. She no longer drives so obviously I need to bring her to her medical appointments, do her shopping etc and I call to her home daily. My advice is, while she still is in good health, you need to sit down and talk calmly to her. Explain that you are always there for her emotionally but you cannot take your Dads place, and you need some time to yourself. Effectively you need to help your Mum to help herself, to become more independent while she still can. It is such a difficult time, but you must look after yourself as well.

@NeedToGetOuttaHere that's awful. I did speak to a counsellor a little while ago, but I think she was struggling to grasp the level of assistance my DM was expecting and that you can show someone very clearly what to do but they'll just keep asking you every time.
I'm sorry you were so preoccupied with your DM when your DDad died. I am made to feel very guilty for spending any time with my DDad, because it means I'm not with her and also because she hates him.

Once again I’m so sorry you are going through this.

This will only get worse as she gets older.
So what if she goes crazy over carers? Why does that matter? You've been trained to put her needs before your own and I'd be very angry and resentful at her parenting and it's detrimental impact on your life.
Her needs do not trump yours. You need to start making different choices.

@AnSionnachGlic thank you so so much for your post - I am sorry for everything you had to cope with. Like you I'm an only child so it's very much all on me, but I don't have any DC like you, so that must have been incredibly difficult. I do find myself wondering what she'd do and how she'd manage if I wasn't able to help. I'm actually quite physically disabled, so most of what I do doesn't involve me being required to stand up or move around, it's just mentally exhausting and draining. Again, I wouldn't mind if I had a break between now and when she does need more help - the things that come with ageing and health problems showing up. When things are like that, I really will be doing everything I can. But for now, I need to think of my own sanity too. I don't think it's right that I'm taking medication for the level of stress and exhaustion it's causing me.