DM's reliance on me - what to do?

[Loopyloo745]

I’m really concerned about my DM, that she doesn’t seem to be coping and how much she relies on me/needs me to do for her.
This has been going on for years but at the moment, she’s really struggling with a recent bereavement as her DH (who was terminally ill) died recently. She has been very dependent on me for years, dating back to when she was with my DDad (who treated her very badly) and has leaned on me a lot emotionally since I was a teenager.

I’m struggling a lot to deal with it myself, as it feels as though I need to think for her constantly as well as do so much for her. I’m struggling with my own MH, but I feel I’m having to suppress it and try to hide the fact I’m struggling because she needs so much support/so much done for her. I need to start on Sertraline soon, but I’ve been delaying because I can’t be out of action with the side effects of starting it right now. I don’t know if she realises that I’m able to be around and help more than most people would be, but I’m starting to feel that this is at a cost of me having my own independent life. I couldn’t even imagine being able to have a relationship/DC of my own when I’m spending so much time doing things for her and supporting her. I stay with her a lot as it is, but when I don’t, she seems to really struggle to cope without me being there.

I’ve repeatedly asked her for years to speak to someone about how she’s feeling/seek help/talk to her GP and consider trying medications, but she’s says she’s tried, these things don’t work and that’s that.

She is completely coherent (as in not lacking capacity/losing her faculties, if that’s the impression I’ve given.) I think right now she is struggling terribly with grief, but she has been very reliant on me for years and years.

Some examples of things she’s asked me to do very recently, or I do on a regular basis include;
⁃ Arranging her grocery delivery, working out what she needs (even if I’m not there), deciding what she’s going to eat for the next week and ordering it for her.
⁃ Dealing with all her paperwork
⁃ Paying her cleaner
⁃ Arranging repairs in her home
⁃ Dealing with everything to do with her DH’s death
⁃ Dictating fairly simple emails for her to send
⁃ Sorting out the probate for a relative who died over a year ago, but it got left
⁃ Dealing with the council and council tax for her relative’s house
⁃ Printing things
⁃ Sorting out returns labels for things she wants to send back
⁃ Sorting out her car insurance

These are just some examples, but in total, I spend hours every day doing things for her and I really need a break.

I don’t know what to do, I can’t leave her to cope on her own as she has no one else, but I feel I’m getting to breaking point. As well as the every day stuff, she gets so upset so much of the time, cries easily over little things and it’s very difficult to cope with 24/7. It feels selfish of me, but I wanted to be able to have my own life for a few years before she gets to the point of being elderly and frail and really needs my help.

Please, if anyone has any advice or has been through a similar experience, I would be so grateful to hear from you.

Emotionally detach from her on your head.

Expect the histrionics - weather it with indifference - she will blow herself out in time like a passing weather system.

Take away her power over you - do not be afraid - nothing will happen to her - she will get over herself - don’t let her harass you.

Her deliberate obfuscation and studied ineptitude around tasks will now come back to bite her when she makes a bigger mess for herself (rather than you) to unravel.

Don’t be scared of her volatility.

Let her erupt - just stand well clear.

If she threatens anything sinister - hand it to the professionals - call her GP or the police for a welfare check.

OP, I have read all your posts and was curious about this,

She's not been able to have the vaccination because of health problems

Do you know why? This is the sort of thing a relative is claiming, we think in order to appear special and to continue to stay in need of help.

Maybe, also, you need to tell your Dad that if she rings him you can't be doing with hearing about it any more. He doesn't need to give you a blow by blow account. He can hang up on her. Not take the call. And/or he can stop telling you about it. It's his phone call - not yours.

I had to tell my Dad to stop mentioning my mother in the end, after they'd been divorced for nearly 20 years. Crazy.

I noticed my mother asking me to do something she was perfectly capable of (to write a letter). This after a day of exhausting errands I can barely do because of my own poor health. I said no. Even doing someone’s life administration, organising plumbers and refuse collectors is shattering. I struggle to do my own!

She’s making you her servant/slave I’m sorry to say.

You could say no and take the fallout like Ssslou suggests, just be prepared and grey rock every time, no I’m sorry I can’t do that. Make no exceptions. OR you could say your doctor has told you that you need more rest, and she needs to get help or care in if she can’t manage things. Just say no to anything and everything you’re asked to do. Simples! If you want to make one area of exception eg legal matters, then agree to that and only that. The fact that you are unwell means she is being doubly selfish by asking you to do this.

It becomes increasingly wearing, especially if they are difficult people. I had a big argument with my mother recently, out as I left I also thought phew at least I don’t have to do all that stuff and listen to her negativity any more.

My advice. Get a strategy. The Dr one sounds good to me. Tell her she’ll have to get help if she needs it. Let her DO IT ALL, from the phone calls to working out the computer. YOU are ill and need to rest. Let her do her stuff herself, she’s a cheeky cheeky cow. PS has your well being always been a low priority for her?

@MarieDelaere I think it's because she had a bad experience with a flu jab and got bad flu from it. The problem is, I've got to be really careful I don't pick up the virus and give it to her, which means it's tricky for me to go to hospital appts/get my car MOT and things like that done.

You can’t get flu from a flu jab. She might have already been incubating flu when she got the jab, or caught it before the jab had time to take effect. Or she might have had side effects from the jab which can include feeling a bit flu-y for a day or two. With her sort of personality, though, I can imagine it was normal side effects that she exaggerated. Unless a doctor has told her not to have the COVID jab I’d be very wary of believing her.

Also, it’s so sad to see you write that you mustn’t pick up the virus in case you give it to her. Once again it’s only her well-being that matters. If she’s refusing the vaccine she’s putting you at risk. If you’re disabled all the more so.

@Zenkit that's awful - I am so sorry you have your DM asking you to do all these things when you're struggling with your own health. It really isn't right. It doesn't seem right when people think you've got time to do their tasks for them because you're sitting around unoccupied because you're too ill to work.
I think @Sssloou is completely right about everything and spot on with a lot of things - you have such very good insight and see straight through a lot of the behaviours.

I really wish she would leave my DDad out of this, she rings the landline until he picks up so that makes it more difficult for him to ignore it. There's not much signal at his house so he shouldn't have to take it off the hook.

I know I'm going to get very guilt tripped for stepping back and saying "no, I can't, I'm not up to doing it." I had said I think she needs help and what would she do if something happened to me and I wasn't available to help. She said she couldn't carry on without me and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable with comments along the lines of me being everything to her/she's always put me first/she can't live without me.

Complete FOG

Read all about it.

She said she couldn't carry on without me and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable with comments along the lines of me being everything to her/she's always put me first/she can't live without me.

She really is something else isn’t she?

She sounds worse and worse with every post.

Expect her to ratchet the manipulation all the way up to dramatic suicide threats just to push your buttons and attempt to whistle you back to heel. If she does this call the police for a welfare check and/or ask one of her social set to pop in to see her ... sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Seriously though you need to prioritise emotionally protecting yourself otherwise she will erode even more of your health mental and physical.

She’s had enough of you - don’t let her steal your next chapter.

I really wish she would leave my DDad out of this, she rings the landline until he picks up so that makes it more difficult for him to ignore it. There's not much signal at his house so he shouldn't have to take it off the hook.

Does he have call blocking facility?

It's 2021. Call blocking exists, including on landlines.

Her covid vaccine excuse is pathetic. We're in Munchausens territory here. Unfixable.

Did she leave your Dad for her 2nd husband? (I appreciate you said he treated her very badly.)

Tbh they both sound awful parents.

P.s. @Loopyloo745, I've been through it all myself. My sympathies, because it is like a bereavement when you finally cop on

@Lacucuracha I'm sure he will be able to work out how to block the calls on the landline, I'll suggest he does.

@MarieDelaere sorry you experienced similar. It has hit me a bit like a brick wall. I'm starting to realise how much I've been treated like a PA, under the guise of helplessness. There's a bizarre paradox where on the one hand she says she's so stressed and struggles because I'm unwell, yet asks me to do so much for her.

@Sssloou you're totally right. It has really taken its toll on me. I feel very trapped, exhausted and weighed down. I've tried to talk to her in the past about my MH health problems - to explain to her that I'm not coping (so, to back off a bit) and I need to seek help, which could involve me staying in an inpatient facility to get it. In a lot of ways she's been very dismissive, seemed like she didn't want me to do that and suggested that if something bad were to happen to me, she wouldn't be prepared to carry on. I think that's an awful way to talk to someone when they're trying to tell you that they need to and want to seek help.

😳

I think the root cause of your MH issues is your mother.

How old were you when your parents split up? I'm guessing it was traumatic for you, but all about her??

OP I don't think it's any surprise you're struggling to cope with this. It sounds like this has been a pattern for most of your life. You need to put your MH first and get the treatment you need. You seem so preoccupied with looking out for her but who's looking after you?

I just wanted to say - thank you to each and every one of you pps for your advice and comments. I have really appreciated it and it has meant a lot to me.

@Loopyloo745

I just wanted to say - thank you to each and every one of you pps for your advice and comments. I have really appreciated it and it has meant a lot to me.

That is what we are here for.

KBO

Keep Buggering On.

I'm very concerned that you're missing medical and other important appointments, in order to make sure you're available for her every day. That's incredibly unreasonable, not to mention counter-productive because it some point, something will have to give. As things stand, that something will be your health and then you won't be able to help her anyway. You need to attend those things and if that means you can't see your mum for a few days, she will need to make other arrangements. You know she'll either cope if she has to, or get the vaccine as it doesn't sound like there's a good reason for not to have it.

Sorry OP, sounds like she’s well and truly done a number on you. She sounds a completely self centred, manipulative B* who is using you big time. Flu “reaction” my arse. Why are you frightened of? Her anger? Disapproval? Being disinherited? Well you can choose or live and die this way.

Sorry, if you are feeling mentally delicate, I hope that did not come across too strong. But, if you are in such a state, you should be taking some time to look after yourself. I think you've been "trained" in some way; you are not the first or the last to whom this has happened. Regardless, clearly you still have alive your impulse for freedom, well-being and self-determination. Its hard I know but keep going. Sending you strength and .

Thank you all of you.
@LashingsOfGravy no, not at all, I am completely at breaking point and need RL help from doctors myself. I think I've already reached a point where my health has got in the way of me being able to carry on like this anyway. I am disappointed at her reaction though, she's very in denial/dismissive and strongly discouraging me from getting help and that's very, very wrong.

@sherridan you're right too and I'm not going to miss any more appointments because of this. I've booked in the one I was putting off and I'm going to go. I'm sure she will find food etc somehow.

@FinallyFluid thank you, I will! The kindness of strangers has meant a lot to me, especially as I've felt so alone in this.Thank you everyone.

You sound like such a wonderful person.

Awful to read how your mother treats you.

She adds nothing to your life.

Keep posting.

Make a break and run for freedom Loo she doesnt care about you, she just wants an obedient slave!!