I’m really concerned about my DM, that she doesn’t seem to be coping and how much she relies on me/needs me to do for her.
This has been going on for years but at the moment, she’s really struggling with a recent bereavement as her DH (who was terminally ill) died recently. She has been very dependent on me for years, dating back to when she was with my DDad (who treated her very badly) and has leaned on me a lot emotionally since I was a teenager.
I’m struggling a lot to deal with it myself, as it feels as though I need to think for her constantly as well as do so much for her. I’m struggling with my own MH, but I feel I’m having to suppress it and try to hide the fact I’m struggling because she needs so much support/so much done for her. I need to start on Sertraline soon, but I’ve been delaying because I can’t be out of action with the side effects of starting it right now. I don’t know if she realises that I’m able to be around and help more than most people would be, but I’m starting to feel that this is at a cost of me having my own independent life. I couldn’t even imagine being able to have a relationship/DC of my own when I’m spending so much time doing things for her and supporting her. I stay with her a lot as it is, but when I don’t, she seems to really struggle to cope without me being there.
I’ve repeatedly asked her for years to speak to someone about how she’s feeling/seek help/talk to her GP and consider trying medications, but she’s says she’s tried, these things don’t work and that’s that.
She is completely coherent (as in not lacking capacity/losing her faculties, if that’s the impression I’ve given.) I think right now she is struggling terribly with grief, but she has been very reliant on me for years and years.
Some examples of things she’s asked me to do very recently, or I do on a regular basis include;
⁃ Arranging her grocery delivery, working out what she needs (even if I’m not there), deciding what she’s going to eat for the next week and ordering it for her.
⁃ Dealing with all her paperwork
⁃ Paying her cleaner
⁃ Arranging repairs in her home
⁃ Dealing with everything to do with her DH’s death
⁃ Dictating fairly simple emails for her to send
⁃ Sorting out the probate for a relative who died over a year ago, but it got left
⁃ Dealing with the council and council tax for her relative’s house
⁃ Printing things
⁃ Sorting out returns labels for things she wants to send back
⁃ Sorting out her car insurance
These are just some examples, but in total, I spend hours every day doing things for her and I really need a break.
I don’t know what to do, I can’t leave her to cope on her own as she has no one else, but I feel I’m getting to breaking point. As well as the every day stuff, she gets so upset so much of the time, cries easily over little things and it’s very difficult to cope with 24/7. It feels selfish of me, but I wanted to be able to have my own life for a few years before she gets to the point of being elderly and frail and really needs my help.
Please, if anyone has any advice or has been through a similar experience, I would be so grateful to hear from you.