DM's reliance on me - what to do?

[Loopyloo745]

I’m really concerned about my DM, that she doesn’t seem to be coping and how much she relies on me/needs me to do for her.
This has been going on for years but at the moment, she’s really struggling with a recent bereavement as her DH (who was terminally ill) died recently. She has been very dependent on me for years, dating back to when she was with my DDad (who treated her very badly) and has leaned on me a lot emotionally since I was a teenager.

I’m struggling a lot to deal with it myself, as it feels as though I need to think for her constantly as well as do so much for her. I’m struggling with my own MH, but I feel I’m having to suppress it and try to hide the fact I’m struggling because she needs so much support/so much done for her. I need to start on Sertraline soon, but I’ve been delaying because I can’t be out of action with the side effects of starting it right now. I don’t know if she realises that I’m able to be around and help more than most people would be, but I’m starting to feel that this is at a cost of me having my own independent life. I couldn’t even imagine being able to have a relationship/DC of my own when I’m spending so much time doing things for her and supporting her. I stay with her a lot as it is, but when I don’t, she seems to really struggle to cope without me being there.

I’ve repeatedly asked her for years to speak to someone about how she’s feeling/seek help/talk to her GP and consider trying medications, but she’s says she’s tried, these things don’t work and that’s that.

She is completely coherent (as in not lacking capacity/losing her faculties, if that’s the impression I’ve given.) I think right now she is struggling terribly with grief, but she has been very reliant on me for years and years.

Some examples of things she’s asked me to do very recently, or I do on a regular basis include;
⁃ Arranging her grocery delivery, working out what she needs (even if I’m not there), deciding what she’s going to eat for the next week and ordering it for her.
⁃ Dealing with all her paperwork
⁃ Paying her cleaner
⁃ Arranging repairs in her home
⁃ Dealing with everything to do with her DH’s death
⁃ Dictating fairly simple emails for her to send
⁃ Sorting out the probate for a relative who died over a year ago, but it got left
⁃ Dealing with the council and council tax for her relative’s house
⁃ Printing things
⁃ Sorting out returns labels for things she wants to send back
⁃ Sorting out her car insurance

These are just some examples, but in total, I spend hours every day doing things for her and I really need a break.

I don’t know what to do, I can’t leave her to cope on her own as she has no one else, but I feel I’m getting to breaking point. As well as the every day stuff, she gets so upset so much of the time, cries easily over little things and it’s very difficult to cope with 24/7. It feels selfish of me, but I wanted to be able to have my own life for a few years before she gets to the point of being elderly and frail and really needs my help.

Please, if anyone has any advice or has been through a similar experience, I would be so grateful to hear from you.

@NeedToGetOuttaHere thank you. The kind words of MNetters mean a lot to me and to know that I'm not an awful person for struggling to cope with meeting her needs.

With increasing age this will get worse.
I used to do all that (and more) but then my mother was much older. She also expected me to cut her hair and give her a pedicure. She could afford to have this done professionally.
My counsellor advised me to say that I'm her daughter, not het hairdresser/pedicure/shopper/... This made me arrange for a family helper who from then on did all these things: her shopping, taking her to the hairdresser, ...
When I went to visit my mom, we had time to go for a walk, have a coffee together, ... nice things that we didn't have time for before.
Good luck !

Learned helplessness.

I deal with quite a few older people & it can be tricky. Much easier to do it for them. Not good for them tho. Let her struggle a bit. Signpost other help.

I should have said this sooner in the thread and I don't mean to drip feed, but I suppose I feel guilty and obliged because in the past when I was a lot younger, I was very ill and spent a lot of time in hospital and she was there for me. I think that's partly why I feel guilty not helping her now she's struggling. But when I was ill it didn't involve her doing things for me like admin etc, it was more visiting me/moral support/accompanying me to hospital appointments etc.

Please take steps now, as change will not come from her and as you've recognised the goodwill will just be pushed further, even if it's done unknowingly.

I spend 20 hours + weekly with mine, & emotional support after bereavement too, sometimes getting home at least 10pm.
One little straw can break the camel's back, you know how some of us are raised to be self sacrificing then we eventually snap?

Well mine intimated I should stay the night too, and why didn't I do that ? to people she knows. I was getting resentful by this stage as this with other comments was getting controlling.

Crack - that was the sound of me snapping after she was ill& again it was me supporting her. Am I Cruel? Maybe, but I also missed my only chance of a date with a great guy I'd been Zooming for months, during our brief opening up after lockdown, & now there's no support, nothing. NC

I wish I'd learned about actually creating boundaries with parents. I made attempts but it was very half hearted, I was too enmeshed, I thought there was no one to step in & help, & there wasn't really, but wish I'd seen it's not my job to provide all of that, and now here we are.

Can you get support from a carers organization too OP? To alleviate the (unfounded) possible guilt of saying no?

You're running yourself in to the ground.

I think if you were to speak up and tell her that you can't take on her duties anymore, it is severely affecting your mental health and well-being, she should accept that. You're her daughter and she should want what is best for you.

Let her know that as you're starting anti depressants, you also have to make a positive lifestyle change and step away from extra pressure. She'll have to sort her things out herself, but you will still be over to see her and you can do something you enjoy together.

Pretty much everything I'm having to do for my dad as my mum used to do all of the "life admin". He has no idea how much things cost ie. bills as my mum dealt with everything. It was the same for my mum when her dad died. She had to do everything for my nan as she didn't know how to do a thing as my grandfather did it all.

If she's just lost her husband I'd say cut her some slack for a while, but gradually offload the things you want to get her to do over the coming months. The trouble is, if you keep doing stuff, they expect you will always do it.

You have to put boundaries up. Do what you're able to and happy to, but given your Mum's age if you don't do something now, you could be setting yourself up for 20 or 30 more years of this.............

My Dad is 81, and I swear that I'll drop down dead before he does. I work full time, have DC at home, grandchildren I help look after, 2 dogs, a house and garden to keep on top of and a poorly DH. But he's very self absorbed and doesn't see any of it, thinks I've got nothing better to do than be at his beck and call

I so regret not setting those boundaries. Your sanity is just as important as your Mum's wellbeing.

I just tried to have a calm discussion. Apparently she's not like me and my "arsehole" DDad and needs social interaction or she can't cope.

She's now trying to gloss over how much I do, saying she just struggles sometimes and guilt tripping me because it wasn't that long ago her DH died (it's all been like this for years). I'm actually feeling quite angry and hurt right now.

Don’t have another discussion, just do less. Work out what you will continue to do and what you aren’t. You aren’t responsible for your mum’s happiness.

When you say her DH died recently, how long ago was it? And how much did he do when he was alive?

Does you mother suffer from anxiety do you think? Or is depression the main issue?

The reason I ask is that there seems to be a strange disparity between someone who has lots of friends and someone who relies on their daughter to decide what they are going to eat every week.

If your dm is massively impacted by depression or anxiety, wouldn't this have impacted on her friendships too? But the lack of ability , or wish, to do something as basic as planning your own meals, is really worrying.

Sorry for more questions but has she got worse during lockdown? It can't have been easy nursing someone who was terminally ill during lockdown.

But if this has all been going on for years, maybe it all comes down to what the pp said about her finding excuses to keep you in her life, not just daily, but hourly by the sound of it. If that's the case, and as her dependency on you has been going on for such a long time, then I think you will need outside professional help to change this dynamic. Perhaps go to your gp and ask to be referred to a licensed clinical psychologist, or go and see one privately if funds will allow. It sounds harsh to say it, but she can't insist that you keep her dysfunctionality hidden from professionals to your - and to her - detriment forever.

@Pleasegoawayandleavemealone thank you for replying again.
Her DH only died 2 months ago, so not long, but tbh the situation I'm struggling with has been very much like this for years, going way back to when I was a teenager and she was still with my DDad, although back then it was more emotional support as she didn't deal with things like bills and I wouldn't have been much help with stuff like that back then anyway.
I honestly believe she probably is struggling with depression but won't accept that. I don't think she's prepared to accept that I'm struggling with depression myself. I know it seems strange that she'd have a good social life yet rely on me for such basic things, I think a lot of it is because she can, or learned helplessness.
The lockdown didn't affect things too much insofar as I was with her, so she wasn't alone and her DH was in a care home, so she wasn't looking after him in person. I do understand it was terrible for her not being able to see him for such a long time.
The way she just reacted when I tried to have a very diplomatic conversation to say I can't manage to do everything she needs was hurtful though.

@Loopyloo745

I just tried to have a calm discussion. Apparently she's not like me and my "arsehole" DDad and needs social interaction or she can't cope.

She's now trying to gloss over how much I do, saying she just struggles sometimes and guilt tripping me because it wasn't that long ago her DH died (it's all been like this for years). I'm actually feeling quite angry and hurt right now.

Wow that’s your reward for her leaning on you emotionally for decades.....and you shouldering the logistics of her life.....

She has manipulated and exploited you and now snaps to insult you where you dare to open a calm discussion.

She sounds v entitled (to your time and emotional and physical resources) and demanding.

Angry and hurt is exactly how you should be feeling as she is v disrespectful of you.

Poor you Loopyloo she really is taking advantage of your good nature.

From what you have described I think the only thing you can do now is act and behave differently as she won't agree to change or even have a conversation about it. Tell her what is going to happen from now on - as an adult you don't need her permission to instigate change. And she should care that all these demands are making you ill. Maybe you could suggest you both get anti-depressants together? And maybe use the time when probate comes through to suggest that she can now afford to hire outside help?

It sounds like she has reverted back onto being a baby and I would say she's quite enjoying the attention, having you over, seeing you run around for her. I imagine a fair bit of it is fuelled by self-pity. I understand that dealing with her husband's paperwork would be upsetting, and she probably needed TLC after his death to give her time to grieve without worrying about day-to-day stuff, but you seem to be turning into her personal assistant. Is she even trying to do any of these things herself or is it far too convenient to just ask you to do it, no matter the cost to you?

If you want to go about this in a more indirect way, next time she asks for something, don't automatically jump on the case. Wait a bit, and pretend you don't really know how to do something or you're not sure. She's going to have to learn to be more independent because she could have 20 years left.

I'm so sorry your mother reacted like that when you tried to confront her. I think you will have to be firm with her and stress your own needs. If you are anything like me , the guilt will kick in, but you really have to be strong against your mom. Can you contact local services to get help/ support? I live in Ireland and when my mother was diagnosed with her heart failure ( 2 years ago), I liased with the Public Health nurse and explained that she lived alone and I had my own health issues, so they organised home help , daily, along with psychological assistance. This has massively helped as I don't have to shoulder all of her care. I have also roped in my teenagers to call regularly which also ' shares the burden ' as they get some groceries and sit and watch TV with her ( sometimes). I basically have distanced myself from being the go to person for everything. It still is difficult and often find myself getting sucked in / engulfed at times, but I stick to my guns( most of the time). I also have stopped hiding my own struggles from her and have started on anti depressants, which is helping to keep me fairly level. Please try and get some help....maybe GP or is there zny other family members or friends that could help out.

@Sssloou thank you, you're completely right. Suddenly, apparently she can cope fine and I'm in the wrong for saying I'm struggling to cope with all the PA kind of tasks on top of spending hours every day dealing with the legal/business stuff. I feel utterly drained. This has to stop, I can't keep on like this.

@Pleasegoawayandleavemealone thank you. I feel so hurt as it took a lot to say I can't do this and I'm having MH issues myself. I'm going to tell her I'm struggling so much I'm going to be starting the sertraline now, so I won't be able to help with every day tasks for a while as I will most likely be experiencing side effects so not to expect a reply.

@AnSionnachGlic thank you. I did say that perhaps it was time to get some additional help as she can't assume I'll be there all the time and if I'm having health problems and aren't mobile, I can't come and help. She reacted very badly and says she's able to cope, she's just experiencing grief and her friend who's husband died (years rather than months ago) struggles all the time (therefore there isn't a problem)

Similar position here but my mum is a lot older and immobile- my recently lost dad did do everything for years and so it’s also more reasonable she needs support - I also try really hard to engage her in what she wants me to buy her to eat but she is disinterested in that, which surprised me as it’s one of the few things she could do for herself/control. She prefers to control me being around and seems to have forgotten I grew up and have my own home, job, car and cat lol.
What I’m here to say though is that all professionals (she just returned home from a care rehab place) are totally keen on boundaries- putting them in place, sticking to them for her good, not just mine - and I am working hard on this -as last time I was there it literally ended up 24/7 staying there to care and 24/7 needs including 5-6 times a night, and obviously that’s impossible to maintain. It’s hard but I’m clear when I’m next visiting, what I’m doing and what I can’t do - so all admin, shopping, running of home etc but no staying as I have to sleep, work, feed a cat. This turned out to be a very good job as I’m currently isolating and literally can’t go for 10 days - she can apparently keep living without me there coping better than I thought too - which gives me some leeway in the future of taking a day or two off for fun (covid allowing too!). She does have a big care package if you’re worried I left her stuck in a chair for 10 days.
It’s hard to start boundaries- much easier implementing them after a change - but it can be done bit by bit - if you don’t, you will snap and be really ill yourself and cause difficulties in the relationship that might not be easily overcome and you probably wouldn’t want.
Maybe start with one thing - be clear when you are next visiting and what you are next doing and what she needs to do - honestly she will not starve or fall apart - just keep on repeating what you are doing and then do it. If you have concerns for her above this you really need to ask for a care assessment- which might make you feel better that she’s capable, or can be cared for, anyway.
All the best - it’s so hard.

Your mother looking after you, visiting you and being there for you in your illness is what Mothers do. That's part of life, part of a mothers role. You don't owe her anything for that. Sounds like you are a very caring dd and your dm is very lucky to have you around. You said you paid your dm's cleaner. Could that cleaner take on the role of fetching her shopping and running errands for her. Wouldn't call her a carer as your dm would hate that but more like a personal assistant just until she recovers a bit from her grief. Being an only child is tough at a time like this as you have no one to share the load. But you seriously have to care for your own health first. Take your meds. Your mum may step up a bit when she has to. Its cruel of her to lean on you so much. I feel for you.

I'm glad you are getting angry, you need to, you are much, much too beholden to her. Basically she is being, and it seems often has been, a pretty terrible mother to you. Late 60s (I'm mid 60s) is no fucking excuse for being useless! Stand up for yourself, please!

I’ve got one of these. Basically I said to myself, what would happen if I didn’t go? Would she starve/not pay any bills/not do other basic things to keep herself alive? The answer of course was no, she’s the most self-centred person I know and only cares about herself, and is a perfectly competent adult so of course she’d look after herself. The second thing was suddenly to realise that I, and my mental health, matter at least as much as she and hers do.

She’s using you as a prop which isn’t good for either of you. It enables her to get stuck in dependent baby mode and it is destroying you. I couldn’t tell my mother about my depression and taking meds for it as she’d have made that all about her too and made me ashamed of it. You’ve lost your father recently, presumably: has she shown any concern at all for your grief? As others have said, visiting a child in hospital is the absolute least thing a mother could do and is part of the role - you’re not beholden to her for that - and the fact that she makes you feel it, or perhaps feel shame over your disability and mental health, is really horrible manipulation.

You sound so lovely, I do hope you manage to set some boundaries and look after yourself - you matter too. You’re not put on earth to be her support person. Take care

I have a mum of similar age also on her own who has needed some extra help recently after a brief illness. My advice would not be to have a discussion with her as this could just panic her and she is more likely to put more pressure on you then. Rather I would suggest you gradually reduce the amount of visits you make. E.g. if you are at hers daily, then on the next visit you tell her your a bit busy the next day doing xyz but will pop round the following day. Nothing is so urgent it can't wait another day. Keep doing this and stick to it. You can still help her with things that need done but better do it with her when you are at her house as that also means when you are not there, your time is your own. Get used to saying, yes I'll do it but not today, I'll do it on xyz day when I'm next over. I hope things improve.

I am in the same position with my parent although they are ten years older and do have health difficulties.

It will get worse as she genuinely starts to age or becomes less mobile etc so I would say do all you can now to help your mother do as much as possible for herself or back off so that she has to do it. You’re right that it is a burden and very stressful.