42 and childless

[40somethingsingle]

Forgive me if I’m posting on the wrong forum, but am feeling a little lost right now. I was with my ex for 5 years and he was adamant that he didn’t want kids, I wanted to be with him so I came round to the idea that I’d never be a mum. Fast forward and he left me for someone else (a younger woman) they are now expecting their first child. This also happened to me in two previous relationships, I feel like I am always the one before the one. All of my friends are married and have children and I’m starting to feel like perhaps I am the problem and just not settling down material. I have been dating some one for the past year, but due to covid and lockdown our relationship hasn’t been conventional. For a start, I am the only one working and I have an uneasy feeling that when life gets back to normal he will be off meeting somebody better and history will repeat itself all over again. I am currently financially supporting us both (I also did this in the final year of my last relationship due to him wanting a career change) and I don’t know if I am just completely naive or completely insecure and being a fool or just an easy target. I’m very aware that I am about to turn 43 and have missed the boat on the children front. Has anyone else felt this way? Is there anyone on here around my age and is happily childless and single? My self esteem is pretty low right now. Thank you for reading my post

Not to dismiss your overall post but assuming you still have regular periods and are healthy there is no reason you can’t get pregnant at this point. I have a number of friends who didn’t start having children until their early 40’s.

You’ve been dating this new guy for a year and you’re financially supporting him? What does that entail? Is he living with you? What’s the set up? How did you meet?

I think maybe you've put the past relationships first before what you wanted? unless you weren't that fussed about children anyway.
Yes you are getting older but don't discount never becoming a mother until you've gone through menopause, who knows what the next few months brings, sometimes things happen when least expected, maybe you will find a man last minute and have a child or maybe he'll have a child already you can bond with.
If children aren't part of your future then something else will take that space, career, travelling, things you wouldn't be able to do with children.

I would drop the new guy if he doesn't find a job and contribute fairly quickly, a man child isn't what you need!

We met through a mutual friend at the beginning of last year, shortly after we started dating he lost his job due to covid and ended up moving in with me shortly after. I don’t know if it’s just ‘everything’ but I have a sinking feeling that things may change once he starts working again. He’s been offered a job and is in talks about it at the moment.
I do have regular periods but I also have endometriosis which was diagnosed this year.
I should also add that he is also 7 years younger than me, I don’t know what answers I’m looking for really, just wondering if anyone is or has been in a similar situation and did they get their happy ending I guess?! .

Im sure there are plenty people that have similar experiences as you and have happy ending but they might not use MN or find your post. I sound what everyone else did, don't discount you becoming a mother, you still can be a mom. I would look into on your relationships and see if there is a pattern? What is your motivation to be with someone? Its difficult to say on the beginning but if its not working for you if they do not pull up to your level of commitment, if they don't make your life better then its unlikely the relationship will last no matter how how much you will try bend yourself backwards. Dont wait for his "decision", what do you want? How do you feel about him? I read so many posts in here of wonderful women like you being mistreated, having their self esteem eroded by blokes that are not even half way there. Its heartbreaking. You got a power to sort it all out, you are smart lady and tackle this in a smart way too.

Perhaps I am reading wrong, but it doesn’t sound like this guy is the love of your life, more that you’re worried he will going to leave once he’s back on his feet. Are you head over heels? It’s only been a year..

If you want a child ditch the guy and go solo, my friend did it alone at 41 through speed donation.
If you imagine your future and cannot see it without a child then you need to take control and make it happen.
Adoption may be an option too.

You need to figure out what it is you want. Do you always put others first? You deserve to be happy too, don't put your own needs last to please others.

Also I would add please don't imagine that your previous partners or anyone else for that matter have perfect relationships and lives, no one has.

I hope this doesnt come across the wrong way.
But do you want kids?
If you do, is it something you would consider doing on your own via a donor?
From what you've posted about your current relationship it doesnt sound as though he is a keeper and I wouldn't stay with him just on the off chance you might go on to decide to have kids with him.
At your age you I think you've got a good chance to still be able to become pregnant. So I think that's a decision you have to make. Do you definitely want kids and are you happy to go it alone? Or is your main concern you want to be in a loving relationship prior to considering kids even if it means due to how long it may take to achieve that you are happy to forgo kids?

OP, you don’t say anywhere whether you yourself actually want a child, only that previous partners didn’t. Do you? It sounds to me as if it’s time to prioritise your own wishes. You also sound as if you’re apprehensive that your current boyfriend will leave you as soon as he gets a job — are you deliberately picking men who end up depending on you financially?

Slightly off topic but I also have endometriosis and two children. So it's not always a case of infertility, it just makes it trickier depending on the surgery you've had and what areas it's been removed from.

If you want children then you need to prioritise that and spend your money on sperm donations and insemination etc - not propping up guys who you don't want to have a family with.

Get rid of the cocklodger and focus on yourself for once.

Sorry to hear about your previous relationships.

A few things:

1. do you really really want children? Or is it more than all your friends have them and it’s the norm?
2. are you entirely comfortable about the current financial arrangement with regards supporting your current partner?

You can have children on your own. Or not at all, of course.
And if you’re not entirely comfortable with the current situation, then you don’t have to continue, just because he‘s out of work.

Am childfree myself

The problem sounds like you seem to be desperate for a relationship that you will accept anything in order to have one.

• Denying yourself experience of parenthood in multiple relationships with men who said they didn't want kids. Now arguably time has basically run out for you.

• Allowing someone to move in with you after a very short timeframe (blame covid but it seems like you'd have allowed them to shack up with you regardless of the pandemic)

People don't respect those who have no backbone or will do whatever it takes to please you.

Someone who has standards, boundaries, their own goals/dreams is more desirable.

Right now you seem willing to put a man before your own needs & wants - likely they meet another woman who knows what she wants out of life, has the ability to say "no" and this is more attractive to them - confidence is attractive. Telling people to jog on is attractive. Having your own fulfilling life is attractive.

Your problem is you will change yourself to suit whoever comes along, even to the point of denying yourself the opportunity to be a mother. Your desperation is almost without a doubt turning people off.

This is why you feel like "the one before the one"

You're trying to make all these blokes "the one" for you - without having any dealbreakers about what "the one" means for you you. Maybe that's a man who wants a family, or has his own career, or whatnot.

You will accept crumbs, but now confused as to why that's all you have on offer.

You have shown people how to treat you.

Think about what you want & need out of your own life & stop thinking a man is going to complete you. If you want kids you need to look at a donor now, or accept you have missed that boat due to prioritising other things.

For me children are a dealbreaker in that I will not be with someone who wants to start a family. But it sounds like you did want that, but gave it up for people who were not actually "the one". You moulded yourself to try and make yourself the one for them & that will always backfire.

I have seen this happen to a friend and can say that it isn’t about the man deciding that he did want children with the new woman but that the new woman knew what she wanted and went after it and if he wanted her then this is what he would have to do.

From what you have put I can’t tell if you do or don’t want children or what you do or don’t want.
You know deep down that this relationship isn’t going anywhere but you don’t end it. You are waiting for him to decide.
I almost get the impression that you go along with what others want rather than knowing what you want and going for it.

If you want children then dump the bf ad use the money on going it alone. Circumstances are never going to be perfect and the perfect partner might never be out there or might ge out there and you meet through your children.
Equally what ever you want then go for it. Don’t wait and prune away all those people who have a negative effect on you.

Agree with Bythemillpond.

There is nothing wrong with you . Try to have the confidence to demand more of your partners and if they don't step up, cut losses sooner. Don't support cocklodgers because they stay not because of you but because you are keeping them in clover. Make sure your partner brings something to the table. You don't have to be the one to do the running or putting up with things. You deserve better and a future partner who recognises that will treat you well.

I was born when my mom was 44 in the sixties (before hormone treatme,ts ans such). My grandmother had my mother at the age of 48 in 1925.
My mother had no birth deficiencies, she was a very strong woman who lived to 90.
I am in good health as well and have no birth deficiencies. I was a big healthy baby (over 9 lbs).
NOT TOO LATE !

You're supporting a guy you've known a year?

I'm trying to get pregnant on my own with a donor and I'm older than you. I'm not happy being either single or child free so I'm going for it. Sadly I haven't had much luck and a couple of early losses last year so coming to terms with the fact that it might not happen.

I have huge regrets though and am very down about it all. I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't try. How do you think you'll feel in a few more years when it is too late?

I think this man needs to leave op. You sound lovely but its possible people are taking advantage of your easygoing nature.

If having a child is your priority then you could go it alone? But time is off the essence I think. The first year or two would be hard, depending on what support you have from family and/or friends, but it's definitely doable. Good luck.

I’m usually a ditch the cocklodger, LTB kind of poster but in your case I would sit him down and point out the hard cold fact that you’re 42 and only have a finite amount of time before you run out of time. Offer him the chance to stay with you and be a dad or ship out. My friend met someone under similar circumstances and he was glad she gave him a deadline and her goals. They shared parental leave and had a very shotgun wedding.

Why are you financially supporting him?

Time to decide what YOU really want from your life.

I echo a lot of the comments. If you really love this man and you think he has the qualities you are looking for in a partner for the long term I would have a very frank conversation about needing to start TTC right now.

However, from what you have typed here, my sense is that you would be better off immediately pursuing donor conception as it doesn't sound this relationship has much potential.

Sack him off and go solo.

The odds are that you will need to use donor eggs, though you’ll be told plenty of people get pregnant in their 40s it’s statistically unlikely.

Decide whether you want to be a mum more than that is an issue.