42 and childless

[40somethingsingle]

Forgive me if I’m posting on the wrong forum, but am feeling a little lost right now. I was with my ex for 5 years and he was adamant that he didn’t want kids, I wanted to be with him so I came round to the idea that I’d never be a mum. Fast forward and he left me for someone else (a younger woman) they are now expecting their first child. This also happened to me in two previous relationships, I feel like I am always the one before the one. All of my friends are married and have children and I’m starting to feel like perhaps I am the problem and just not settling down material. I have been dating some one for the past year, but due to covid and lockdown our relationship hasn’t been conventional. For a start, I am the only one working and I have an uneasy feeling that when life gets back to normal he will be off meeting somebody better and history will repeat itself all over again. I am currently financially supporting us both (I also did this in the final year of my last relationship due to him wanting a career change) and I don’t know if I am just completely naive or completely insecure and being a fool or just an easy target. I’m very aware that I am about to turn 43 and have missed the boat on the children front. Has anyone else felt this way? Is there anyone on here around my age and is happily childless and single? My self esteem is pretty low right now. Thank you for reading my post

I think you’ve had some really great advice here! I was actually discussing a similar situation earlier and I believe, you’re better going at it alone, then either going at it with someone you don’t really know or not going at it at all and missing out on something you really want.

Please do not have a child with this man until he sorts out his financial position and is self-supporting at least. The way cocklodgers lock you in is to have a child with you. Then you are well and truly sunk.

He is not your man. Find someone who will make a responsible and loving father. Otherwise, it is better to go it alone than have a albatross around your neck when your focus is your child.

How does it even come up that you end up financially supporting a man you’ve known five minutes?

I wish you would take some time to get yourself in a better position to have a child if that's what you want. You have been in damaging relationships in the past and it looks like you jumped head first into your current relationship. You moved a person you barely knew into your home and have ended up supporting him. What is he doing for you? You are obviously not secure in this relationship, therefore the thought that you would introduce a child into this situation doesn't sit right for me. If you want a child, my advice would be forget men, look into ways to have a child yourself, either by adoption or sperm donation. But first, get yourself into a good place. Make sure your home is safe for a child, with no random men taking advantage. The right relationship may come along but it will work out much better if you are secure, settled and know your worth.

I agree with other posters that you sound rather passive OP. You let your ex make the decision about children and ignore your feelings on the matter. You're waiting around to see if your current partner leaves rather than deciding if YOU want to be with him. The problem with not valuing yourself is that others won't value you either. I know this is a hard pattern for you to get out of (the low self esteem thing). But you have to decide what you want and go for it, whether that's having children solo or embracing a childfree life.

I have seen this happen to a friend and can say that it isn’t about the man deciding that he did want children with the new woman but that the new woman knew what she wanted and went after it and if he wanted her then this is what he would have to do

One million percent this.

I really don't subscribe to the "how to catch a man" bollocks but what I will say is, ime, when you're clear about what you want up front, and stick to it, you are far more likely to end up in a happy, equal LTR with a guy who respects you. Partly because you will naturally discourage the time wasters by actually having expectations, partly because you will quickly discover who is willing to align with your expectations or not, and you'll get rid of the ones who don't, and partly because - slightly controversial view perhaps - having firm expectations and boundaries is an attractive trait in itself to a guy wanting a healthy relationship, imo.

If you're not used to doing it, actually figuring out what you really want can be an eye-opening exercise in itself. Good luck OP.

If you really want children then leave him and start planning your options. It doesn’t have to be too late if you are open to IVF with donor conception.

@40somethingsingle I had my DS at age 47 using an egg donor. I nearly ruled out egg donation, but oh my goodness - best decision I ever made. It has a higher chance of working than conventional IVF, although it is more expensive. I have several friends who have decided not to have a child, and I would say once they have come to terms with that decision - they have found peace and happiness. It’s the getting to that decision that is the hard bit. I would have a very, very frank, open discussion with your DP about what you want. If you are not on the same page, then don’t waste anymore time with him. And be open, honest and confident with yourself too. This is YOUR life, and you deserve to be happy - whichever path you choose. Good luck! Xx

Why on earth did he move in with you in a matter of weeks? Did he ask and you just said yes?

@Kona84

If you want a child ditch the guy and go solo, my friend did it alone at 41 through speed donation. If you imagine your future and cannot see it without a child then you need to take control and make it happen. Adoption may be an option too.

This. Maybe with sperm rather than speed donation.

Please stop supporting random men with your own money

@mummywithhermini

Please stop supporting random men with your own money

Yes I agree and I suspect @40somethingsingle you don’t have time to sort out your attitude to relationships in time to become a mum, but you do probably have enough time if you decide to go solo, especially if you are open to donor eggs if necessary.

@gutful

Am childfree myself

The problem sounds like you seem to be desperate for a relationship that you will accept anything in order to have one.

• Denying yourself experience of parenthood in multiple relationships with men who said they didn't want kids. Now arguably time has basically run out for you.

• Allowing someone to move in with you after a very short timeframe (blame covid but it seems like you'd have allowed them to shack up with you regardless of the pandemic)

People don't respect those who have no backbone or will do whatever it takes to please you.

Someone who has standards, boundaries, their own goals/dreams is more desirable.

Right now you seem willing to put a man before your own needs & wants - likely they meet another woman who knows what she wants out of life, has the ability to say "no" and this is more attractive to them - confidence is attractive. Telling people to jog on is attractive. Having your own fulfilling life is attractive.

Your problem is you will change yourself to suit whoever comes along, even to the point of denying yourself the opportunity to be a mother. Your desperation is almost without a doubt turning people off.

This is why you feel like "the one before the one"

You're trying to make all these blokes "the one" for you - without having any dealbreakers about what "the one" means for you you. Maybe that's a man who wants a family, or has his own career, or whatnot.

You will accept crumbs, but now confused as to why that's all you have on offer.

You have shown people how to treat you.

Think about what you want & need out of your own life & stop thinking a man is going to complete you. If you want kids you need to look at a donor now, or accept you have missed that boat due to prioritising other things.

For me children are a dealbreaker in that I will not be with someone who wants to start a family. But it sounds like you did want that, but gave it up for people who were not actually "the one". You moulded yourself to try and make yourself the one for them & that will always backfire.

Good post, @gutful -- and I'm quoting it in full just to say that this isn't just the case with romantic/sexual relationships, it's the case for all relationships, including familial ones and friendships.

In those cases it's more about people-pleasing (consciously or unconsciously) to maintain the friendship/relationship, which is a form of moulding yourself to suit the other person's needs, whether that's being permanently available at the drop of a hat as a shoulder to cry on/rescuer/provider of childcare/helper with chores/housemoves etc etc, because you don't have the confidence to test the hypothesis that someone just wants you in their life because they like you.

If I had a pound for every post on here that said 'I do everything for my friends and family, I'm available whenever they need me and no one ever checks in on me/asks whether I'm OK', I would be rich. And the answer to the dilemma is what @gutful has said here -- have some backbone. Say no to assumptions that you are the 'service person' in the relationship. People will respect you more for it, and you won't risk becoming the 'invisible' rescuer friend who takes any crumbs she's given, but has no standards, boundaries, or a rich and important life of her own.

@40somethingsingle you made the life changing decision to give up the idea of having kids for a man who hadn't even committed to you and strung you along for 5 years?

Sounds like your main problem is that you make men the centre of your life. Men never value women like this, as you've seen. Don't make the same mistake again.

Also just because you can't have biological kids doesn't mean you can't be a mother (and there was no guarantee you would have had biological kids anyway since fertility problems are relatively common). Adoption is very much an option. You could also consider whether being a step mum could be a route. A lot of the men in their 40s will already have kids so this could be a blessing in disguise with the right man/family

Sounds like your main problem is that you make men the centre of your life. Men never value women like this, as you've seen. Don't make the same mistake again.

This.

If you make a man the centre of your life he will follow your example and make himself the centre of his life as well. It is the first step on the downhill slope of a bad relationship. It ALL goes wrong from this.

You need to learn to love yourself OP, and then others can love you too.

And be very, very careful about who you choose to be the father of your child. It is the most important decision you will ever make for someone else - who their father will be.

@EasterGuineaPig

If you really want children then leave him and start planning your options. It doesn’t have to be too late if you are open to IVF with donor conception.

Statistically the large majority of people who do IVF are not successful and success rates worsen even more for women in their 40s. It is a money making industry buoyed by people desperate to be parents. So many people talk about IVF like it's a done deal but many don't appreciate just how low success rates are because attention naturally is focused on those who are successful. There's also ethical considerations around embryo destruction etc.

OP I'd suggest going for a fertility MOT - you'll be able to know whether or not it is likely you'll be able to conceive naturally. It may be too late for you, but equally it may not. Then you can make a plan from there. I know a fair few people who have had children in their 40s naturally, the oldest being 45.

Op my mum had me at 45 (I'm now 41). After having my DD at 35 I fell pregnant again at the end of last year, which was unexpected because I thought that was it. Sadly my pregnancy ended in miscarriage in January but I know quite a few women in their 40's who've had babies. Don't give up hope

You're supporting someone that you've only known for a year (and he's 7 year's younger!). That is pretty desperate IMHO.

All is not lost - you might be lucky, but please do not waste your time hoping on a wing and a prayer.

@Brakken I know, I had 4 rounds of IVF. The OP wants children and IVF, perhaps with donor eggs, would give her a reasonable chance of achieving that. The stats at my clinic are about 50% clinical pregnancy rate. Not a given but worth a shot if she can afford it.

@gutful and @neap, I have to say that your posts, both of them, should be compulsory reading for everyone on MN. Truly excellent advice, I have re-read a couple of times and plan to do so again!

@brakken just no. Like I said - I was 47, and my chances were actually high with a donor egg. The clinic I used (Oxford FU) were nothing but supportive, sensitive and kind. At no point did I feel like it was a ‘money making exercise’. They were highly ethical and clear about the decisions I was faced with.

@brakken - in fact your post has angered me somewhat. I have 2 utterly beautiful children, both IVF - and the assertion that I ‘got lucky’ on something that is a money making industry is just totally wrong.

And please explain to me your ethical thoughts about embryo ‘destruction’ - as I was faced with an emotional decision last year or whether I could use my last frozen embryo? I’d particularly like to hear why you felt it necessary to use the term ‘destruction’?

@brakken - would you also saying that conception should never happen in case there is a miscarriage? Are you saying that that because my tubes were damaged because of hidden infection given to me by a long term ex, I should not have had the right to conceive?