42 and childless

[40somethingsingle]

Forgive me if I’m posting on the wrong forum, but am feeling a little lost right now. I was with my ex for 5 years and he was adamant that he didn’t want kids, I wanted to be with him so I came round to the idea that I’d never be a mum. Fast forward and he left me for someone else (a younger woman) they are now expecting their first child. This also happened to me in two previous relationships, I feel like I am always the one before the one. All of my friends are married and have children and I’m starting to feel like perhaps I am the problem and just not settling down material. I have been dating some one for the past year, but due to covid and lockdown our relationship hasn’t been conventional. For a start, I am the only one working and I have an uneasy feeling that when life gets back to normal he will be off meeting somebody better and history will repeat itself all over again. I am currently financially supporting us both (I also did this in the final year of my last relationship due to him wanting a career change) and I don’t know if I am just completely naive or completely insecure and being a fool or just an easy target. I’m very aware that I am about to turn 43 and have missed the boat on the children front. Has anyone else felt this way? Is there anyone on here around my age and is happily childless and single? My self esteem is pretty low right now. Thank you for reading my post

@Brakken yes LIVE births, my figure was from eggdonationfriends using the SART predictor. Of course there is an ethical issue - and I explained how the clinic supported with that - which didn’t include the word destruction. That term implies no thought, care, sensitivity or respect was given - it implies wilful harm. My embryo was donated for research - so I believe it has helped others.

I think this new man isnt the one for you.

If you really want a child you need to make it happen. I found myself dumped by exh at 35 as he had an affair and we had been trying ivf for many years without success. He had a baby with the new women a year or so later (told me they considered a termination)!.

However I took control met someone and a year or so later I had my DS via ivf after 10 years of wanting a baby.

Get checked out to see your options. You may need an egg donor. But if you really want a baby you need to act now!

Or perhaps consider adoption you can do it as a single parent

@Lozzerbmc go you, that’s great. Bloody hell I needed to take control - and I wouldn’t change my experience at all now. I feel I’ve learnt so much to get to here.

@FerrisWheelTrain I agree with everything you've said. You suggested to the OP to do IVF with egg donor, since the success rates are higher. That's a fact - the success rates are higher, when older women use donor eggs, so I don't know why @Brakken is arguing with you.
I was also 47 giving birth, and the success rates in my clinic (for pregnancy not birth, though) were 70%.

Surely if you wanted a child you'd have prioritised it long before reaching almost 43. Personally I think you are too old.

@willibald

Too right, Rose. Same here. I walked away from a long-term relationship, and there was a lot of love there, but I wasn't willing to forgo the chance to have kids for a relationship and also made sure I did this with plenty of time left.

All the anecdotes, stories about IVF and egg donation are a moot point if you continue to hand over agency in your life to wasters (also the OP has endometriosis which may complicate things even further).

Same. Well, ended a LTR at 28 as I was ready for kids and he suddenly realised he wasn’t and didn’t know when he would be. I have endo too and only one tube so knew I didn’t have any time to waste. Met my husband a couple of weeks later and told him I was planning on kids in 2/3yr either with the right person or on my own. Of course it wasn’t a ‘I want your babies’ thing, I’d just met him. But it was a ‘this is what I want and I’m not interested in dating someone unless that’s on the cards’.

It breaks my heart when I see women throw away something as precious as their time and fertility on a waster but it’s their decision to make and by remaining in a relationship like that they ARE making a decision. To prioritise him/not being alone over trying to have a family. We all have different priorities, I just knew I wouldn’t be happy unless I’d at least given if my very best shot to have a child.

@user1471604848 - TBH, I’d had a failed attempt with an A grade embryo before I was told the 5% chance. It was my guy instinct that told me - well if I had an A grade before, it could surely happen again - and it worked. If anything, the clinic always encouraged me to be realistic.

Phoebesgift

Surely if you wanted a child you'd have prioritised it long before reaching almost 43. Personally I think you are too old

Unfortunately some people don’t prioritise what they want. It starts off they don’t know what they want, then it becomes the same as their partners want and by the time they realise what they do want then it is a scramble at fitting it all in.

I don’t think op is too late but she needs to get her skates on now

@Phoebesgift and your personal opinion matters in this debate because?

I had a child a 43 and my mother was 43 when she had me. I also know mothers who had children older with and without assistance. You also seem to forget that some women have younger partners.

Regardless my life wouldn't have been incomplete if I didn't have a child because unlike the OP I've been brought up, shown and told not to let people walk all over me in relationships.

I’m really sorry op that a supportive thread has turned into a ethical debate. Coming to such a massive decision takes time which is something you probably lack if you are wanting to be a parent. If you are going to go it alone think carefully about your support systems and ability to fund a child.

@Phoebesgift

Surely if you wanted a child you'd have prioritised it long before reaching almost 43. Personally I think you are too old.

@Phoebesgift This is a blunt comment but I agree. We're all adults here and have to accept the consequences of the choices we make. No one forced OP to waste her precious latter fertile years with her ex. It's like no one else read the original post properly Her ex was adamant he didn't want children with her yet she actively chose to stay with him and even decided to choose him over having her own kids! No one who truly wants children would ever do that and she has to live with that decision.

Earlier in her 30s she would have made the conscious decision in some form not have kids e.g. yet again choosing to waste time with the wrong men. Those who have families chose to be with men who wanted the same things as them in the right time frame. If you didn't choose correctly you only have yourself to blame at this point. No man can waste your time without your consent and I find all these doormat women with no agency or responsibility for themselves who are full of self pity later on beyond frustrating.

Biological children aren't canned products waiting to be picked up whenever we wish, all women have a limited fertility window so you act accordingly. The good thing is the possibility still exists for OP to be a mother by finding the right man and adoption.

I agree with all the above points. I would assume that the OP is lamenting the fact she hasn't yet found a stable, long standing romantic relationship rather than wishing she'd prioritised having children earlier. It's obvious from her choices that she should have made peace with that years ago.
Why is everyone telling a premenopausal woman who is childless because of her own decisions that it isn't too late and to go it alone?
This is a tough road to go down even if you genuinely long for children. Can't we safely assume the OP isn't really that bothered about being a parent?