Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Narcissist relationship

84 replies

Happy202 · 14/03/2021 16:48

Hi all
I am looking for some advice.
My other half doesn’t live with me but we have been together for nearly 5 years.
I found out last year he has been sexting for 3 years behind my back, this was awful but I kind of accepted it as his behaviour is so bad and I thought it would be a fresh start.
The relationship started to be on his terms, more time on his own less with me and my kids and the physical side of our relationship got less and less.
Now he makes that part of the relationship awful, like he is going me a favour.
I feel so so low and just want out of this but I fear being on my own and hate the thought of him moving on.
Any advice would be appreciated x

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 14/03/2021 16:57

What makes you think it's a narcissist relationship?
It's clear he is not making you happy and an unsuitable partner. He doesn't even seem to like you and is dictating what he wants from the relationship without seeing you as an equal. This isn't a healthy relationship and you can do better. Being alone is better than being in an unsatisfactory relationship.

You don't need to be in this relationship. You sound as if you lack self esteem so find RL support somewhere either through counselling or the Freedom Program that has been widely recommended by mners.

Ardvark111 · 14/03/2021 16:59

Jeez sexting for 3 years,!! And possibly That's all that you may be aware
Of.?? Set your bar higher.. I'm not sure if they are his kids, you not say.? But if not you have no real ties to this man,!! Call it a day n find someone you can trust to begin with

Happy202 · 14/03/2021 17:12

@Ruminating2020
Thanks for your reply.
He ticks every box . Lots of things
He has a huge ego, very controlling and always put me down.
He thinks he is better than everyone and he doesn’t care about anything.
My self esteem is t rock bottom xx

OP posts:
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 17:13

@Ardvark111
Yeah that’s all I know of. Had the pleasure of seeing some of the video and photos he sent.
The kids aren’t his. X

OP posts:
justthecat · 14/03/2021 17:16

If you don’t live together you already have a huge advantage of not having to get him out

RosemarysCat · 14/03/2021 17:32

Why do you want to be with him?

Cakewithcream4 · 14/03/2021 17:48

What is it with men? I've just been told this week the man who's been so in love with me the last few months was lying. He was messaging a married women he's been on and off with for two years. I thought it was all over way before he was speaking to me.

I offered him space as I felt he needed to think what he wanted. He basically dumped me as apparently my question had done him.

It's so easy to say drop him he's a player. But feelings can make us weak. It's not easy to switch off the feelings and it's so easy to think of the good times and get sad. It feels like two different people doesn't it.

The problem with phones and Facebook is its made it so easy to sneak about and flirt. But the evidence once sent is forever there and it controls you.

When I was struggling the other day I made a list of what I had Vs him. Then I did the pros and cons list. I filled the cons up easily. The pros were alot shorter now than they were when we first met.

I can only speak for myself and I can only focus on one man. All my love and time will go on the one I click with. So one of the hardest parts to accept for me was that someone else was turning his head. I wasn't enough.

Gut feelings are often correct. I've been in relationships where not once have I questioned their love for me. I felt secure and never anxious. The relationships where I have had those feelings have always been right. Because they are always messaging other women or lying and cheating. These men will always turn in around and say it's you with the issues. You are paranoid. You are insecure.

You don't feel happy. So it's time to walk away. Find someone who wants you sexually and doesn't need his ego stroked by someone else. Some men just can't be happy with one women and they break hearts.

Good luck. I hope you feel happier soon.

Cakewithcream4 · 14/03/2021 17:53

Also my man in my situation has the ego. The attitude. Would make small negative comments on my appearance in between loads of bug compliments.

He also has depression and no family around him anymore. I am starting to realise he's pushed alot of people away over the years. Even one of his adult kids doesn't speak to him.

Without knowing much about your Chap, he's likely got some other secrets or issues going on. It's all a front and they don't like being questioned.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2021 17:55

What you are is worse than being alone.

Wanderlusto · 14/03/2021 17:58

So basically, he is a psychopath...which is what a narcissist is btw, well, a side step from it. And he isn't your kids father...and you know what he is... and you're letting him remain around your kids? !?!?!

Time to give your head a wobble op.

My sympathy runs out fast when someone knowingly let's a monster remain around their children. It IS that simple.

Sorry to be hard on you op. But those kids depend on you and you are putting them at risk. Do you want them to grow up thinking it's ok for men to abuse women?

Time to put on your big girl pants.

Reach out for help. There are organisations like womens aid that can advise you on next steps. And if you have supportive friends or family, confide in them.

You can do it. Your mental health will improve tenfold when he is gone. You just gotta be brave and rip the plaster off.

Ruminating2020 · 14/03/2021 18:17

[quote Happy202]@Ruminating2020
Thanks for your reply.
He ticks every box . Lots of things
He has a huge ego, very controlling and always put me down.
He thinks he is better than everyone and he doesn’t care about anything.
My self esteem is t rock bottom xx[/quote]
Please do get out. A relationship with a narcissist will simply not work because of the lack of empathy, manipulation, gaslighting, lack of accountability, hot and cold etc.

A decent man builds you up not put you down.
He will see you as an equal rather than a less than.
If your self esteem is rock bottom, then it will not improve while you are with him.

Please leave him and go no contact. Do not allow him to hoover you back in the relationshit whether he says he'll change or can't live without you and will kill himself if you don't get back with him etc. Perhaps even get some therapy or counselling for yourself to improve your self esteem.

Being alone is better than being with someone like that.

Happy202 · 14/03/2021 18:19

@RosemarysCat
It’s like a bad habit and I feel really low.
I know it’s wrong but just keep thinking I will deal with it later x

OP posts:
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 18:22

@Cakewithcream4
Thanks for your reply
Are you okay?
I have never had to deal with that’s before, i was married before and never once didn’t trust him.
I thought this was my dream guy, how wrong.
My gut feeling for years was something was off with him but he made me out to be mad and paranoid.
It’s like my whole concept of this relationship is wrong.
Thanks for listening and I hope you are okay.
Did you leave your partner x

OP posts:
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 18:24

@Cakewithcream4
Just seen your other post. I think he may be bisexual and doesn’t want to admit it.
He has been signed off work for months with depression.

OP posts:
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 18:25

@Wanderlusto
Please don’t apologise, I need this.
My head is so fuzzy and I have been made to think it’s all me or in my head.
To see this in black and white helps and makes me realise how serious it all is. X

OP posts:
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 18:27

@Ruminating2020
Thanks.
I had some counselling at the start of the year and it helped
The counsellor was disgusted with this guys behaviour.
Thanks so much for your advice.
It’s just good to come on here and talk. It really helps x

OP posts:
fivelemons · 14/03/2021 18:31

He is a despicable low-life, and I'm sure that you would feel so much better if he wasn't dragging you down and making you feel so bad about yourself.

Your counsellor was right, and you would be so much better off without this vile creature in your life.

Happy202 · 14/03/2021 18:40

@fivelemons
Thanks lovely.
6 months of love bombing while I was weak after my divorce followed by 4 years of gaslighting have taken their toll.
Honestly don’t know how guys like this can function.

OP posts:
2021mumma · 14/03/2021 18:47

Do you think you deserve a relationship like this? Because you don’t- you deserve so much better. It’s better to be alone than be miserable with him. Put yourself first and put him behind you. Good luck.

Ruminating2020 · 14/03/2021 18:47

[quote Happy202]@fivelemons
Thanks lovely.
6 months of love bombing while I was weak after my divorce followed by 4 years of gaslighting have taken their toll.
Honestly don’t know how guys like this can function.[/quote]
So sorry to hear this @Happy202 but that is awful. Narcissists can sense vulnerability and prey on it. Are you getting therapy for abuse recovery?

Men like him can only function if they have some sort of supply which is why you have to shut it off. Educate yourself on their manipulation tactics and how you can protect yourself from them.

You need to go no contact which means blocking them on absolutely everything after telling them you want nothing to do with them. Don't answer the door if they turn up at your house, don't answer their calls etc.

Happy202 · 14/03/2021 18:48

@2021mumma
Thanks. That’s why I come on here to get reminded that life should not be like this.
Thanks so much xx

OP posts:
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 18:54

@Ruminating2020
I was getting counselling and was supposed to start the freedom programme but I couldn’t work it around my degree I just started.
I just block everything out and I suppose I keep thinking that surely no one is that bad but they clearly are x

OP posts:
Detanglinghairtonight · 14/03/2021 18:55

@Happy202

This is what narcissist do - they make you believe if you try harder or you change, they will change. You can't change him, he wont change - leave now or wait till he runs you down to the gutter then leave you

Happy202 · 14/03/2021 19:07

@Detanglinghairtonight
Yeah that is what has happened, he gives small snippets of good and then pulls the rug x

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 14/03/2021 19:13

The narcissist won't and can't change.

I wish I had listened to the narc in my life when he said he will never change after the first rage I encountered. This was probably the only true thing he ever told me.

Keep learning op, to validate your experience, but also remember that you need to heal from this so concentrate on what you need to do to heal. Do not seek validation from another man because you are enough on your own, and you need to learn to love yourself first.