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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Narcissist relationship

84 replies

Happy202 · 14/03/2021 16:48

Hi all
I am looking for some advice.
My other half doesn’t live with me but we have been together for nearly 5 years.
I found out last year he has been sexting for 3 years behind my back, this was awful but I kind of accepted it as his behaviour is so bad and I thought it would be a fresh start.
The relationship started to be on his terms, more time on his own less with me and my kids and the physical side of our relationship got less and less.
Now he makes that part of the relationship awful, like he is going me a favour.
I feel so so low and just want out of this but I fear being on my own and hate the thought of him moving on.
Any advice would be appreciated x

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/03/2021 19:15

I'm with @Wanderlusto.

How could you put this awful man ahead of your children for 5 years.

Unforgivable.
Because you fear being alone?

Your poor children.

You really should give your head the biggest shake.

Your priorities are so wrong.
Your responsibility is to your children first.
To protect them.

What sort of a mother have you been if this man has been your priority, whilst he treats you so badly.

Think of your children and what you are modeling for them.
Flowers

Original poster
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 19:19

@billy1966 very helpful when someone has low esteem. I hope you never go through anything like this .

OP posts:
ForwardRanger · 14/03/2021 19:19

@billy1966

I'm with *@Wanderlusto*.

How could you put this awful man ahead of your children for 5 years.

Unforgivable.
Because you fear being alone?

Your poor children.

You really should give your head the biggest shake.

Your priorities are so wrong.
Your responsibility is to your children first.
To protect them.

What sort of a mother have you been if this man has been your priority, whilst he treats you so badly.

Think of your children and what you are modeling for them.
Flowers

How could you write such a shaming and cruel post to a woman who is clearly in deep distress and asking for support.

The head wobbling needs to be done on your shoulders.

ForwardRanger · 14/03/2021 19:21

OP it's hard to make changes when your self esteem is on the floor. Start small, step by step, you are worth it.

Maybe look up Brene Brown YouTube clips around shame and vulnerability.

This is your life, you don't have to surrender it to a person who does not respect you.

Giraffey1 · 14/03/2021 19:23

Dump him.you will be happier without him. You can be much more lonely with a partner, you know, that being on your own!

Cockenspiel · 14/03/2021 19:28

This man is basically feeding off your self-esteem like a parasite. Once you hit total rock bottom, he will cut you off entirely. Perhaps he will come back to reel you in at some point again.

The first step is the hardest, but once you’ve achieved just a few days of no contact you will start to feel a bit stronger.

No contact is the only way to free yourself from this poisonous piece of shit.

Original poster
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 19:29

@billy1966
And please do not question my abilities as a mother to my children.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/03/2021 19:29

OP,
4 years of treating you really badly.
4 years of you stressed.

Think about how this man stressing you has impacted your children.

Lots of people have low self esteem and it doesn't mean they allow it to impacted their children.

How about you take some responsibility for this.

I'm not writing this to shame you.

He's a dreadful man.
Just dreadful.

Yet he has been allowed to dominate your life for 4 years.

Having low self esteem is not an excuse to abdicate responsibility for your choices.

Original poster
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 19:39

@billy1966
Some women stay with abusive men their whole life’s, it’s not black and white and I hope you never get pushed to this place.
Again do not question my abilities as a mother.

OP posts:
Cakewithcream4 · 14/03/2021 19:40

@Happy202

Well he's blanking me at the moment. He's given me a few horrible blunt messages and then gone back silent when I told him I cared for him. Which I do!

I am such an honest and straight forward person. I hate drama. I don't like aggro or games. I just wanna be happy. So it's so hard for me to be in a position like I am now. because I have a zero tolerance for bs. I massively want him to explain himself but I know he won't. He will shut me down or he will make up lies. So it's difficult.

I guess it's better for me longterm if he doesn't get back on touch. But there's a part of me that will be sad for a while if he doesn't. It makes me feel sick to think I meant so little. Especially because like you I have children and thought he wouldn't be playing games based on knowing I'm a mum. He was also 15 years older. Which made me think he would appreciate me. But it turns out he's no different to other age groups.

You will reach your limit eventually. You'll either go around in circles with it for a while. Or you will give him up now. But I know it's not easy. You have to be ready to do it and only you can change it if you get me? I'm feeling fairly strong. I go through ups and downs throughout the day. Sometimes I'm ok. Other times Im sad. Angry. Confused.

I've also got an email account I don't use and as daft as it sounds I write a diary in there. I just save it to drafts. So whenever I feel stressed or down I type out exactly how I feel and it does help. It's just little things to keep going forward. .
My last relationship wasn't like this either. So I understand where you are coming from. I think men like this are good at what they do. I also feel abit like I don't get joy out of normal stuff anymore. I recognise that it's coming from how he's taken over my head and I had little room for anything else. I recognise alot of issues in him now. I think he needs therapy. He's complex and doesn't deal with issues he runs. Even when they are small. He's also up and down. When he's up he's allover me like a rash. When he's down like now. He writes you off like you are nothing to him.

Sorry for the essay. I just really relate.

ForwardRanger · 14/03/2021 19:40

@billy1966

OP, 4 years of treating you really badly. 4 years of you stressed.

Think about how this man stressing you has impacted your children.

Lots of people have low self esteem and it doesn't mean they allow it to impacted their children.

How about you take some responsibility for this.

I'm not writing this to shame you.

He's a dreadful man.
Just dreadful.

Yet he has been allowed to dominate your life for 4 years.

Having low self esteem is not an excuse to abdicate responsibility for your choices.

You are exactly shaming her. You need to stop. It's awful.
Bananalanacake · 14/03/2021 19:45

Well done for seeing him for what he is and wanting to get rid of him. It's good he doesn't live with you, so much easier to ghost him.

Ruminating2020 · 14/03/2021 20:10

@billy1966 It can be difficult to leave an abusive relationship. The average number of times is 7. There are many reasons and factors why someone has held on to an abusive relationship for a long time.

Intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding that happens in the cycle of abuse will also be reasons why it's hard to stay away from an abuser.

I wouldn't judge.

Original poster
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 20:15

@Ruminating2020
Thanks.
I really appreciate your help and support.
I don’t think I could face another relationship for a long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 20:18

@Bananalanacake
Thanks, it took a while and he is good at hiding it , especially to friends etc. He is life and soul of the party to everyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 20:29

@Cockenspiel
Thanks. He has reeled me back a few times and acts nice for a week or two then starts again.
I can see he will never change.

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 14/03/2021 20:36

Cut him off, and go cold turkey 🌺

Original poster
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 20:38

@Cakewithcream4
Please don’t apologise. I can relate to so much of this.
How long have you been together?
Mine is older too and was full of promises.
I can relate to you not taking joy in the small things, I feel numb.
I get blanked a lot too and I know if it’s someone else messaging him he would reply straight away.
A friendship he has with another female he just met makes me quite uncomfortable and he knows this and he messaged her recently really late at night.
Do you live together?
X

OP posts:
Original poster
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 20:38

@WisnaeMe
Thanks. This support is really helping Flowersxx

OP posts:
Ozziewoz · 14/03/2021 20:43

You said that you are worried that if you end the relationship permanently you will be alone. You are already alone. That's how these guys work. Once you've kicked him out of your life, blocked him and moved forward, you will no longer feel alone.

Original poster
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 20:46

@Ozziewoz
Thanks.
I do know this but it’s like he gets in my head and rational thought goes out the window.
Thanks for your support xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 20:48

@ForwardRanger
Thanks. I will look up the YouTube videos.
I need to sort myself out x

OP posts:
Cakewithcream4 · 14/03/2021 20:58

@Happy202

We have only been together half a year. So it's very new. Looking back now he's always played the victim to me. It was always the women's fault for all his past relationships ending. He painted an amazing picture of himself to me. he was a gentleman who was brought up to respect women etc. Yet he's one of the most disrespectful men I've met.

It's hard because I loved him. But I realise now he perhaps love bombed me. Loads of compliments. Little gifts. Loved me fast. But making small negative comments recently on my appearance perhaps for control? . In the last couple of weeks he'd been very focused on my body sexually. Saying I have nice feet, breasts etc. Also sending me photos of things hed like me to wear in the bedroom. He used to say he liked classy things in white etc. Then after liking a womens photos on Facebook he was sending me sexy versions of what she had worn in her photos.

We didn't live together. He was very keen on a future with me. Insisted he was happy I had children etc. But he soon dropped all that when he went sulky.

How much older was yours? I hope you feel strong enough to end it. I'm on day 5 now and I'm honestly not sure what to expect and if he will come back. It's exhausting being with someone who can be so hot and cold.

It's hard learning to be alone again. He would text me every morning around 7am. He would send me lovehearts in the night if he woke up. He'd call me on his teabreaks. I miss the conversations. I miss hearing about his day. I miss him in alot of ways. But I know that he will never be able to give me what I want. Which is honesty. There's always gunna be another women hanging off somewhere. Because that is the real him.

Original poster
Happy202 · 14/03/2021 21:09

@Cakewithcream4
He is 8 years older.
This all sounds so so familiar.
He was always the victim in past relationships, made out he is prim and proper and that he would treat me well and he didn’t.
I had a gut feeling from about six months in and if I could go back I would end it and save all this .
It will get worse.
He will draw you further and further in and take away all the nice parts of the relationship.
And make you feel like like you are mad.
I knew something was off with him and continually asked and he made out I was crazy then last year I found the photos and videos he had been sending while we were happy.
I think he has a lot of sexual addictions, unhealthy porn appetite too.
I hope you are okay xx

OP posts:
fivelemons · 14/03/2021 21:16

@billy1966

OP, 4 years of treating you really badly. 4 years of you stressed.

Think about how this man stressing you has impacted your children.

Lots of people have low self esteem and it doesn't mean they allow it to impacted their children.

How about you take some responsibility for this.

I'm not writing this to shame you.

He's a dreadful man.
Just dreadful.

Yet he has been allowed to dominate your life for 4 years.

Having low self esteem is not an excuse to abdicate responsibility for your choices.

@billy1966 Your posts are totally uncalled for, and you need to stop victim blaming.
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