Narcissist relationship

[Happy202]

Hi all
I am looking for some advice.
My other half doesn’t live with me but we have been together for nearly 5 years.
I found out last year he has been sexting for 3 years behind my back, this was awful but I kind of accepted it as his behaviour is so bad and I thought it would be a fresh start.
The relationship started to be on his terms, more time on his own less with me and my kids and the physical side of our relationship got less and less.
Now he makes that part of the relationship awful, like he is going me a favour.
I feel so so low and just want out of this but I fear being on my own and hate the thought of him moving on.
Any advice would be appreciated x

@fivelemons
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
@Wanderlusto gave me some advice in a friendly constructive way.
The advice from @billy1966 is uncalled for and shows no level of understanding of an abusive relationship.

I see @billy1966 was at the back of the queue for having compassion

Love can make you put up with alot. I have put alot of his behaviour down to his depression etc. But i realise now again he has choices in life.

It's just waiting to see what happens next. He could be punishing me and be back or he could be finished with me. I've kind of decided Wednesday is my cut off point for any conversations. So he's on his last couple of days.

Good luck and take care. X

@Cakewithcream4
Thanks.
Good luck to you too xx

@billy1966 may have been off here but I’ve seen very sensitive, supportive and compassionate advice given by Billy too.

But OP - how can we help you disengage from this man? Your self-esteem will improve considerably when he’s no longer in your life.

You’ve been waiting to feel ready to take this step. But you’ll never quite feel ready. There’s always going to be a reason why it’s more convenient to wait. That’s what you’ve already discovered. I have found in life that often I have needed to act before I felt ready. The feeling of being ready often followed the action, if you see what I mean.

Would it help you to leave the relationship incrementally? For example, just start to phase him out - see him less/contact him less/develop other interests/get busier with other things and other people. A bit like you might take a longish course of low-dose antibiotics to weed out a persistent infection. So that over time he is gone. Might that feel more manageable to you?

@Dery
Thanks for your reply.
I agree some of @billy1966 advice was helpful.
I have phased him out quite a bit because he stopped staying at mine last year, I don’t have him staying at the house when the kids are here.
It’s hard to describe what’s holding me back, it used to be hope that the man I first met would come back that he was possibly just different because of work or other pressures but I know now that’s not the case.
I loved him, a lot. We clicked and it was easy and when it comes to leaving that’s the bit my brain jumps to.
He has done so much over the years it’s almost like I haven’t taken it all in, easier to stay numb to it.
I feel more ready than I ever have , it just seems like a big leap but in a good way but I still feel scared.
It’s like I feel used to the way he has been and that has become normal for me.

@fivelemons
Thanks.
I appreciate the support and it’s so true . I feel like he sucks the life out of me x

I spoke to you last summer op, under a different username ( for you as well). I was in a similar situation to you then but I cut off contact, ignored all attempts for him to contact me and I have really turned a corner with my life. I am not that mess that I was. And you are unchanged? Still going over the same stuff? Honestly... What are you doing? This is your life and this is ultimately how you've chosen to spend it. You are not reliant on this man so why are you still with him?

You can talk about abuse all day long but you were starting a degree, you live with your children, you have opportunity to block here. Why aren't you doing that?

@User54877
Hi
I am glad you are well.
I have turned a few corners but not enough.
He reeled me back in things were great and then that was it back to square one.
I started my degree.
You are right it’s my choice and I should be doing it.
This is why i come on here because I need to speak to people and I need the truth.
My head was mucked up.
How have you been?
Were you the person who told me to put my radio on every morning?

Haha, yes that sounds like me. 😂 I'm sorry to come across as harsh but I had hoped things had improved for you, you have a lot going for you and you can do so much better than him. Absolute twat that he is.

@User54877
Please don’t apologise, hearing other people’s opinion makes it seem real and I need that .
How are you getting on?
I know that’s the truth, it’s like my head gets so full I don’t deal with any of it
I like coming on here to get some clarity.
It took a good 6 months for the horror of heh videos and photos to sink in.
Meanwhile he was still wearing me down, he is a special kind of evil.
Lesson well and truly learned .

OP Put yourself on the back burner for a moment and consider the effect his behaviour is having upon your children who will be witness to how he treats their mum who they rely on to make the world they live in better.

Please do not let someone as scummy as him spoil your life a moment longer for their sakes if not your own

@Anordinarymum
Thanks
Since last July it has all been separate, as in I only see him when I don’t have the kids.
This just made me realise all the more how scummy he is.
I am so glad I posted tonight, sounds silly sometimes the voice of reason is needed.

@User54877
And we got a puppy.

Oh that's lovely., Your kids must be thrilled. 😁

I am doing well, a lot better and calmer than I was last summer. I was a bit of a mess then, narcissistic abuse really does fuck you over in a way that is hard to understand or explain. Which you already know unfortunately.

I will message this evening but one thing that has made a big difference is when I stopped trying to "think' myself over the relationship, and started to feel my way out of it instead. This was post no contact but I think it made a bit difference. . Xxx

@User54877
It’s a total head fuck but I do feel like I am coming out the other side and I feel better.
That’s really good advice thanks and thanks for getting in touch with me again.
From memory we had a good chuckle at the videos which really helped at the time.
The pup is great just what we needed. Keeps me from going to his place which is a huge thing for me.
I have made progress just stumbling at the last bit.
I hope you have a good day xx

You caught him sexing get an STI check up he's done worst he's just not been csught

I reread that thread from last summer, it really made me sad. What an awful place we were both in. I know you have made some progress and that is wonderful but the amount of stress you are still living in every single day. You don't appreciate it till it's gone. It's not good for you, you have to let go of him somehow.

I was further into my breakup than you and I knew it was over,. Do you yet? I ended up getting rid of my phone for a month or so (!), Which seems crazy because I could have just blocked him, but my worry wasn't just him contacting me, if was me contacting him. When I got back on my phone ( october time?) , I reregistered on WhatsApp and watched him for a bit, he was constantly online, I knew he was busy lovebombing someone else and all I felt was pity for her. I haven't checked on him since. That was it for me, I've been working on myself every day since and I don't even think about him some days. And when I do, it's with shock that I loved someone so capable of treating me so badly. And who turned me into someone I don't even recognise.

You are so deep into this , and have been for so long that you don't even know how bad it is, you know it's bad but you're unaware HOW bad. You have to make that break, you have to go through through that initial pain to get anywhere good. Xxx

I feel for you. Mine is the kids dad and i vent ever get rid of him totally. He is awful. 2 years later I’m still healing from the way he treated me but I should have seen the signs. My ex actually told me there was something wrong with him but they turn everything around on you. They are extremely insidious but have a charm. He has moved on with someone and I suspect it’s good now but I don’t know if they can change! I doubt it as even admitting it he then said he didn’t say that and there is nothing wrong with him it’s everyone else. I’m not the first he has abused and bullied. He has a long history of it which I found out much later.

I’m so sorry the best thing you can do is get out and NC. Absolutely do this or it will get worse

@User54877
Thanks for taking the time to write tha, I really appreciate it.
I know it’s over because I have always known it wouldn’t go anywhere but it’s like I am stuck in this horrible cycle.
I get to a place where I don’t care and I am strong and it’s like he sucks me back in and before I know it my logical thought has gone.
It feels like I block a lot out.
I am sure the thread last year ended up with around 500 posts on it . I need to re read that too.
It’s even worse now or better I suppose.
He only stays a couple of nights a week and spends all his time at his so I am used to things being different. And most people think we have split up.
This tiny bit of me thinks that it’s like what happened isn’t real but I know it is.
I will be honest I didn’t feel ready before but I do now.
I feel angry which has never really happened.
Are you okay now xx

@Anon2323
I hope you are okay now?
I don’t think they can change I think it will always come out of them.
The thing that frustrates me the most is the way they act in front of people.
Life and soul of the party and mr charming.
Xx

At the end for me and my narc it was pretty much confined to calls and texts because he lived miles away but it was still affecting my mental health massively. I felt completely depleted. I've never had anyone suck the energy out of me like that. I almost find it difficult to remember back to that time, I wasn't living, I had no peace. I regret so much the extra months wasted by letting it go on longer than it should, but I am grateful that I'm on the other side.

And there is only one way to get to the other side.

I'm good, happy even, will be happier when the gyms and everything else open up. I'm certainly calmer and less stressed. I have taken up more hobbies, looking to possibly retrain.

Life's short and it holds few guarantees. But one guarantee I do have is know my covert narc would have stooped to any level to hurt me just so he could enjoy my reaction. I'm not good supply to him anymore, so it's over, I don't expect him to attempt to contact me again and that genuinely feels amazing. Thank God!

How's your life going otherwise? How is uni?

@User54877
Thanks so much for this.
That’s me not living, not enjoying.
I am enjoying uni but am constantly on edge.
The counsellor got me to a good place, he was genuinely disgusted with the narc and it made me realise how bad everything was.
He even made me feel bad for getting the pup because it meant I couldn’t go to his.
I was really strong over Christmas and new year and he ramped it up a gear, he got physical again at new year not so much as hurting me but still too far and it just knocked me back.
I have contacted women’s aid and they said it can take several attempts to cut ties because of then nature of the relationship.
I genuinely feel ready.
This course is for me and my kids and I need to do it and if I don’t get away from him I won’t be able to.
So glad you are doing okay, I remember taking to you.
Did you have a son?
I remember you telling me to take a walk every day and buy a nail varnish or face mask.
X

@User54877
I did it. What next?

[quote Happy202]@User54877
I did it. What next?[/quote]
As in you are free now from the narcissist?
Well done. Now ensure he has absolutely no way of contacting you ever.
Concentrate on you and your dcs. Get that degree and just live the life you deserve.
Do not worry about being alone, as this will drive you into another unsuitable relationship.
Learn to be happy and enough by yourself first.

All the best for your future. @Happy202