Breaking up family over sex?

[Tinypoppytop]

DH and I have been married for 18 years, I’m 38 now and he’s 47. We have never ever ever had a good sex life, we met when I was 19 and (I’m not proud of this) on the rebound. DH pursued me fairly hard - telling me he loved me after only a week or so and proposing after five weeks. I think, it can barely remember, that we had sex in the first few months and then it just sort of tailed off. I’ve not been very interested and I assume he isn’t either. We quickly went years without sex. When we want dc we had sex until we conceived and then that was it. The youngest dc is 5 now and the last time we had sex was when they were conceived. Neither of us really mention it. We don’t kiss (I find the idea of kissing really really too intimate) but we do hug sometimes. I’m not attracted to DH but I do love him, just maybe not how I should. I love my children. I can’t decide if it’s my family I love, not exactly DH. We get along fine, we don’t do much together or spend any time together and it’s always been thus. But we don’t argue. He’s not my go to person in a crisis, but it’s an ok environment for the children, they aren’t seeing us argue or anything.
I just feel a bit meh. I can’t say we could recapture the spark because I’m not sure there was one. We didn’t even have sex on honeymoon. In fact I think after we married it was then about three years until we had sex again. The sex has never been very good, but maybe that’s because I’m not into it. I am not asexual. I would like a sex life and to write it off forever makes me feel very sad. I know after the length of time we’ve been together you would expect things to be a bit dull but we’ve never had that together at all. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my time and I suppose it’s the same for DH, although he says he’s happy. Tells me he loves me all the time.
On one hand I feel as though it’s sex. It’s not the be all and end all. I’ve two young dc. To break up their family because I’d like to have sex is incredibly selfish.
But I also feel sad and lonely and miserable a lot of the time. I feel like I’ve closed that part of me off and every so often I feel it pushing at me, to want the intimacy. There’s no intimacy. I cut DH’s hair over lockdown and that felt weirdly intimate. We aren’t used to touching. The boyfriend I had before DH, who I was with for four years, was very different. I wanted sex with him and it was very good, but then I was young so maybe it was different then anyway to being middle aged. But it’s ALWAYS been like this with dh, even when I was young.
I realise this is all me me me and obviously this affects dh too but I feel increasingly sad about it.
I spoke to my friend about it and she said I just needed to have hobbies and friends and fill my life that way. I’m not sure it’s enough. But then I know the grass isn’t greener. The chances of meeting someone else reasonable are probably close to zero and I’m making the dc unhappy into the bargain then.

He met you when you were 19 and you had no real life experience behind you. There was from him a quick an attachment and a proposal after 5 weeks; you barely knew each other.

You're now 38 and could be alive for many more years to come. Is this how you potentially want to spend the rest of your life?. One day and sooner rather than later, your kids will leave home. What then for you and your H - if you are still together then?.

re your comment:-
"We get along fine, we don’t do much together or spend any time together and it’s always been thus. But we don’t argue. He’s not my go to person in a crisis, but it’s an ok environment for the children, they aren’t seeing us argue or anything".

Is this really an ok environment for the kids?. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are already seeing you as their parents don't do much or spend time together. You're basically between you showing them that a loveless and certainly a dull marriage could be their "norm" too and you remain together for your own reasons (probably the kids really).

Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.
How would you feel if they went on to replicate such relationships in their own adult lives?. I do not think your friend gave you good advice either; hobbies and such like will never completely fill an emotional void in a marriage.

Sorry to hear this. I think saying it is about sex is one way of framing it. But it sounds like there's a lot more missing that just sex - although the lack of sex is definitely significant in itself. There's no spark, no intimacy, he's not your person.
"Breaking up a family over sex" makes you sound like the villain of the piece, ruining lives because you want more action. That's not quite true. You are not being unreasonable to want to feel more fulfilled and connect on a deeper level.
Are you unhappy? In my case my children had an unhappy mother and now they have a happy one. It no longer feels like I spilt up the family for (insert reason here). We are all better off now.
Having said all that, and though my heart goes out to you, I am happily single now and likely to remain so. You have to be ok with the thought of being single.

For me the grass was greener, I have never regretted my decision. I feel more authentic and honest now, rather than covering all the cracks and driving myself mad wondering, waiting, hoping....

I personally don't think what's missing from your marriage can be found, as it has been like that forever. Millions of people put up with similar situations. You might be one of them or you might not.

Thank you.
Yes - I don’t know how common my situation is. I do think retrospectively that DH was under pressure to get married and have a family. He was coming up to 30 and most of his friends were engaged or getting married. He’d had a previous engagement about a year before he met me. She broke it off. I think. I could never get the full story of what had happened - only that she was a ‘bitch.’
The dc are happy and settled and lovely. The thought of causing them any pain makes my heart physically hurt. I sway back and forth between feeling like this isn’t enough, something is missing and although I might not find it if I leave, I definitely won’t find it if I stay.
And thinking - it’s not an abusive relationship (I know, low bar) so the children aren’t being damaged. It’s had its happy times and we get on ok. We’ve booked to take the children away for a week this summer and it’ll be ok, I’m not dreading it or anything. So why can’t I just put it to bed - as it were - and accept I made my choices and it’s all a bit late now.

I also find it confusing that DH tells me how happy he is and how he’s loved me from the moment he saw me. I don’t understand how he’s happy - I just don’t get it. Doesn’t he want more as well? And I don’t know. The trouble is we aren’t close so talking about anything more than superficial feels wrong.

You are 38 you could live another 50-60 years. It just seems crazy that a decision you made when you were 19 is allowed to decide your whole life. It’s not just sex, is it?

No it’s not just sex really, it’s the intimacy and the closeness that’s lacking too. I feel a little like I could have been any willing girl with a face that fitted when I met DH. Maybe that’s unfair, but that’s how I’ve felt sometimes. He just wanted to get married. I married him.

Im sorry but that is no marriage, and that he was nearly 30 and you were a teenager says it all, he saw you coming. Get out now and live your life, you only have the one. Your kids will be so much better off not having this as their model of relationships.

It’s just difficult because it’s ‘ok.’ At what point is risking something that’s ok and the children being happy on the chance of something more. Even if that something is being on my own but feeling less dragged down by my current situation - and I just don’t know whether it is or not.
I half wish we did fight or DH was abusive or that he’d have an affair because those are clearer choices. I have wondered over the years if he might have done as it seems unusual for a man to be ok with no sex but I’ve never found any evidence - not that I’ve looked especially hard. He has had plenty of opportunity over the years with work and I’d never have known but my gut instinct is that he hasn’t ever cheated on me.

Your last point is exactly right OP, it’s not just sex, it’s intimacy. My husband and I go through peaks and troughs with sex, sometimes we have it once a week, sometimes every other day. Regardless, we are always affectionate, we kiss, cuddle, are very tactile and flirty. I couldn’t be in a relationship without affection, and I don’t think you should have to put up with it.

I find it very sad when you say that he’s not your person to go to in a crisis. That’s exactly what your husband should be, or else why have you married him? You only get one chance to be on this planet, why would you spend all of your time with someone who isn’t amazing?

I will also add that you say your children aren’t being exposed to anything bad, but they are learning that relationships aren’t affectionate, so that’s something to consider.

Experience has taught me that he isn’t terribly interested I suppose, I had a really awful time triggered by something specific about three years ago and he knew I was really struggling and did nothing to help at all. I know I’m not his responsibility but basically I was really unwell physically which then kind of left me with an overhang of generally being not well and he didn’t help by letting me have a lie in at the weekend or doing anything with the children. He carried on exactly as normal even though I was on my knees. Fortunately I have good friends and family and they got me through it but it was not a good time.

It’s not sex though is it. It’s all intimacy. Of course you deserve more.

I'm in a similar situation OP but we did once have a very intimate relationship. We had a child and since then it's been completely different between us and I could quite happily separate. Circumstances dictate that won't happen though.

Your last post is more revealing. He's selfish. He says he's happy and loves you because probably you do a lot of the work. I expect you look after the children mostly, keep the house, look after him. Am I right?

You are 38 which is still young! You say you were very ill a few years ago and he didnt have your back! This reads more like a disinterested DB to me !The fact here is he is not engaged with you ,there is no hugging /closeness which would lead to Sex .Your position is not unusual by any means ,however you have to decide if you want to live like this forever or maybe jump ship even if thats scary .Of course you want to keep your family together ,but this sort of "Meh" approach is not really a family ,just 2 people looking after DC.Your children are getting a fairly confusing picture here as well.Maybe speak to some of your RL friends? Dont feel that you "have" to meet someone else .Imagine life on your own for a while .Are your"Ducks in a row" financially so to speak.

Yes financially we’d be ok - not as comfortable as now with several holidays a year (pre covid) but we’d get by. We’d have enough to survive, smaller house. Probably wouldn’t need a mortgage.

It’s more the upheaval. I mean I’m on my own now in some ways (I’m not suggesting it’s the same as being a single mum) in terms of emotional support and I already sort EVERYTHING for the dc as well as working more or less full time.
But - the dc are settled and ok. They wouldn’t want to move really.

Not one single thing that you've said makes me think you should stay in this marriage.
You sound flat and sad and overly preoccupied with what others think. So your friend thinks you need hobbies? So what?
You know that isn't the answer or you wouldn't be asking strangers online.
Don't stay for your kids. They need more than a calm life. They need a mum who is fulfilled.
So your DH says happy? Well then he's lying or he's getting his needs met.

But you aren't happy and you're not fulfilled. So what about you OP?

You've spent half your life to date with this man already.

Do NOTbreak up your family in order to find a better man, because he might not exist.

It’s a terrible reason to leave someone

"I had a really awful time triggered by something specific about three years ago and he knew I was really struggling and did nothing to help at all. I know I’m not his responsibility but basically I was really unwell physically which then kind of left me with an overhang of generally being not well and he didn’t help by letting me have a lie in at the weekend or doing anything with the children. He carried on exactly as normal even though I was on my knees."

This for me would be "enough" to leave OP, if you need a reason. Don't think your children don't notice things like this - they do. They need their mum to be happy.

Well, if the lack of sex and intimacy wasn't enough, surely your last post tipped it over the edge. He's just not there for you. Hard to understand what he gets from this marriage either, he seems uninterested.
Could you cope with another 40/50 yrs of unhappiness? At 38 you are still young! Why waste your life feeling unwanted.

I don't know why you would stay together. It sound like you could happily co-parent.

Because DH wouldn’t want to split and it wouldn’t be amicable. Also he does very little with the children now so I’m sure now they’d be if they suddenly had half their time with him.
DH wouldn’t make it easy in the event of a split, more likely the opposite would be true.
I also think there’s a good chance he’d meet someone else quickly and then that opens up all that goes with step parents and step siblings to my dc.
Essentially I feel I made a bad choice aged 19 and it’s written off the rest of my life in some ways.

This is one of the saddest threads I have read recently.
It’s not just sex is it ? You have no sort of relationship at all , not even as friends.
Please don’t waste your life like this. You are still young.
Go and find the sort of life you want to lead.

@WhoAreYah

It’s not sex though is it. It’s all intimacy. Of course you deserve more.

And so does he. Not somebody who married him because they were on the rebound and doesn't sound like they ever really wanted him.

Your marriage sounds similar to my ex marriage, only mine was emotionally and financially abusive although I didn't realise until I got out and started therapy. Have a look at attachment styles, sounds like you are married to an avoidance, a person who wants someone around but can't tolerate intimacy in a relationship so keeps you at arms length. I always knew something was missing but couldn't identify it because I was used to cold unsatisfying relationships from my childhood. My ex husband was happy as Larry in the marriage. I did everything at home whilst he enjoyed a high flying career and obsessive sport. There was absolutely no intimacy, he didn't provide any emotional support ever because he was a dismissive avoidance. He couldn't contemplate anyone not being completely independent or ever needing other people, hence the misery of being married to him.

The relief of leaving the iceberg and having the potential of having a normal loving relationship, which I have now, is not to be underestimated @Tinypoppytop. There are no medals for making do and it will affect you eventually plus as Attila has pointed out you are setting the blue print for your children's future relationships.

I know, I don’t feel great about it. My only ‘defence’ is that I was young. I mean I’m not the same person I was at 19/20 as I am now, although I know some people marry young and it works out. I do wonder if it works better if you are both a similar age though, at 19 that decade made a big difference. DH was sorted in terms of career and house. He’d been travelling. He’d had holidays with his friends. He’d done everything he wanted to, whereas I was still quite young and had not done any of those things.