Breaking up family over sex?

[Tinypoppytop]

DH and I have been married for 18 years, I’m 38 now and he’s 47. We have never ever ever had a good sex life, we met when I was 19 and (I’m not proud of this) on the rebound. DH pursued me fairly hard - telling me he loved me after only a week or so and proposing after five weeks. I think, it can barely remember, that we had sex in the first few months and then it just sort of tailed off. I’ve not been very interested and I assume he isn’t either. We quickly went years without sex. When we want dc we had sex until we conceived and then that was it. The youngest dc is 5 now and the last time we had sex was when they were conceived. Neither of us really mention it. We don’t kiss (I find the idea of kissing really really too intimate) but we do hug sometimes. I’m not attracted to DH but I do love him, just maybe not how I should. I love my children. I can’t decide if it’s my family I love, not exactly DH. We get along fine, we don’t do much together or spend any time together and it’s always been thus. But we don’t argue. He’s not my go to person in a crisis, but it’s an ok environment for the children, they aren’t seeing us argue or anything.
I just feel a bit meh. I can’t say we could recapture the spark because I’m not sure there was one. We didn’t even have sex on honeymoon. In fact I think after we married it was then about three years until we had sex again. The sex has never been very good, but maybe that’s because I’m not into it. I am not asexual. I would like a sex life and to write it off forever makes me feel very sad. I know after the length of time we’ve been together you would expect things to be a bit dull but we’ve never had that together at all. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my time and I suppose it’s the same for DH, although he says he’s happy. Tells me he loves me all the time.
On one hand I feel as though it’s sex. It’s not the be all and end all. I’ve two young dc. To break up their family because I’d like to have sex is incredibly selfish.
But I also feel sad and lonely and miserable a lot of the time. I feel like I’ve closed that part of me off and every so often I feel it pushing at me, to want the intimacy. There’s no intimacy. I cut DH’s hair over lockdown and that felt weirdly intimate. We aren’t used to touching. The boyfriend I had before DH, who I was with for four years, was very different. I wanted sex with him and it was very good, but then I was young so maybe it was different then anyway to being middle aged. But it’s ALWAYS been like this with dh, even when I was young.
I realise this is all me me me and obviously this affects dh too but I feel increasingly sad about it.
I spoke to my friend about it and she said I just needed to have hobbies and friends and fill my life that way. I’m not sure it’s enough. But then I know the grass isn’t greener. The chances of meeting someone else reasonable are probably close to zero and I’m making the dc unhappy into the bargain then.

I hear the thing about sort of being stuck as basically the age you got married - I often feel it prevented me from growing into who I might have been. I feel like I’ve never really migrated from the adult / child relationship. DH looks after all the finances and then gives me some money every month. I don’t have equal access to the money and never have. He’s made all the big decisions and I’ve just gone along with them, passively. I think that would describe me best, passive. I passively got married and then I’ve continued being passive ever since. It is like being one of the children. In contrast I feel like he’s carried on doing what he wants, usually without even running it by me. So if he wanted to go away with his friends or something he’d just do it, whereas the same freedom has never been afforded to me.
However I suppose part of it is the children, I have taken more responsibility for them and so it makes it harder then to have that freedom.

This post is so sad to read.

It's not just sex though. It's all round fulfillment.
You are not happy, and at some point your DCs will pick up on that.

My parents were unhappy. There was the occasional argument, bit ultimately, they just muddled along. It was a relief for me when they split up when I was 10. And I'd been hoping they would for several years prior.

They are both affectionate people, who were affectionate with my sibling and I, but never each other. I said to DH recently that I love that the DC see us hugging, laughing and being affectionate as I never saw that growing up. My DC also see us arguing and then resolving our differences. Its about modelling a balance of things. It's okay for parents to argue if you also show them how to move past it.

I'm the same age as you and saddened by your friend telling you to get a hobby. I'd be telling you to consider your own happiness.

Your DC will adapt to the split. Your H will have to too, whether he wants to or not. It's okay to put your own happiness first. In doing so, you'll also be making your DC happier in the long term.

And also I like spending time with them. I don’t want to be away from them. I gave up my career when I had them to take a job with fewer hours that fits better around the school times. I was fortunate that we could do that as a family but it means my career has pretty much stopped, even though I’m working - it’s not a career in the same way.

Why don't you try and make the physical relationship a bit better. Give him a hug and kiss and work at it? Is he gay?

Cross posted.

So do you want that freedom. The freedom to manage your own money and to go away with friends?

My DH looks after our finances too. But that's an agreement we came to, I look after other things. But that suits us as a partnership. If either of us had to, we'd take responsibility for everything. And even though he deals with the finances, he still discusses things like going away with friends and big purchases with me. And he encourages me to go away with my friends too.

I think I would have liked to feel more equal. I have never felt equal, I appreciate that may be my issue. I think the age gap at that point made a big difference, I was very young. DH was a decade older and already set up. I moved into his house, we didn’t choose it together, so it always felt like his. We did move again afterwards but I’ve always felt a mismatched power balance.

Emotional neglect is a form of abuse. Your relationship is abusive.

I don’t feel it’s abusive, I just feel it’s lacking. It’s lonely.

@WhiskyWhiskersdottir, totally agree. Your husband knows you are unhappy. What has he done to rectify that? Mine brainwashed me into believing I was too needy, and emotionally unstable. Funny, current partner has never said that. I also had the dishing out of pocket money. That is a form of control. I also had 'friends ' telling me to put up and shut up, that I was bored and had so much to lose.

Now I see it for what it was, a husband with severe issues with intimacy who controlled me with gaslighting, little access to money and no power in the relationship. It was all about him and his comfort. How is that not selfish?I was passive until I was tipping towards a breakdown. I had to get out.

Sorry to keep banging on about it but been there, got the t-shirt, survived and now thrive. I reckon a lot of people trundle along in unhappy relationships because they feel guilty about 'breaking up' the family. The family is already broken and this pattern will carry on through the next generation.

He does know I’m unhappy. I have had patches where I have stopped eating or harmed myself and he’s just told me to stop being so silly and carried on as normal. Then I started the anti depressants and thankfully that behaviour has stopped. I’ve never put any of it onto him, I’ve never asked him for help or anything. I’m not super needy, I’m just very unhappy. I know I’m an adult and my mental health isn’t his responsibility. The antidepressants have muted the unhappy a bit.

Reverse the situation. If you knew he was unhappy and self harming, what would you do? How would you show you cared?

I’d try and look after him. Make sure he had good food to eat and was getting enough sleep. Try and do things he liked or I knew made him happy. Even if that’s just putting something on tv that he liked. Take the weight off with the children a bit (I mean I do that anyway) and perhaps try and help a bit more practically.

Op, you aren't breaking a marriage up due to lack of sex.
You are desperately unhappy, your dh isn't supportive, you feel lonely and unvalued.

I left my marriage for the same reasons.
My dc are older than yours and are doing ok. I'm older than you too and couldn't manage any longer being in a relationship by myself.

There are a lot worse things than having family members living seperatly and coparenting from different houses while still loving the children and meeting childrens needs seperatly.

I think it sounds like a half-life you have there.

You are like a bird trapped in a pretty cage OP.
You aren’t an equal in this relationship. He does what he wants, when he wants. He has access to all of the money, makes all of the decisions, has all of the freedom to do whatever he wants because you do all of the childcare at weekends etc.

This isn’t just about an unequal relationship OP. It’s that there’s no room for you to be a person with your own interests and needs. It reads like you are performing a role and not really having a life for yourself. You’ve had to give up your career, not have hobbies or freedom because you have the kids all the time and you aren’t even having your emotional or physical side nurtured or cared for to the point where you need antidepressants to make this dysfunctional life bearable.
You say that if you left he would be angry and difficult, could this side of him be why you have always passively gone along with what he wants? Have you been afraid to do what you want and speak your mind?
It’s not selfish to leave such an unhappy and dysfunctional relationship. You need to be able to breathe, to discover yourself and have some autonomy. I don’t think finding another man is the real concern or priority here- being able to be yourself and have a life is. You might find leaving and finding yourself first helps you to not be dependent on antidepressants as well. Surely having a well and happy mum (who does most of the parenting anyway) is better for the kids long term?

I can assure you that everything you have suggested is what a loving spouse would do if their partner was suffering. Why didn't he do that for you? Perhaps emotionally neglectful is a more acceptable term for you than emotionally abusive. If I can give you one piece of useful advice, please start some therapy. Work on your self esteem and then decide what to do . Antidepressants won't cure this. I know you are afraid of the future and confused about what to do. Therapy will help with that. When I left I was so traumatised I couldn't think straight. Years of being invalidated does that to you.

Being the primary carer does not stop women from having their own lives as decent men would look after their own children whilst their wives pursued their own interests.

You don't have freedom as your husband is not allowing it and your misery in this awful marriage has sucked all of your self-worth and zest and motivation.

Go and speak to a divorce solicitor. Make that your task this week. See who will give you a free first session so you can start to get the ball rolling. Start making plans.

My children have trapped me because they have been 95% my responsibility - at least. The extra 5% is being generous. DH has carried on as he did before we were married and before we had children as far as I can see, both in terms of career and leisure time.

I’ve just read all your posts OP, and I think you need to leave. I understand you feel trapped by your own decisions but you sound very unhappy. Unless there is any way marriage guidance would help? But it doesn’t sound like he is likely to step up and really consider his role in the marriage critically, so I don’t hold much hope for that.
I think you sound desperately sad and it’s not all your fault, at such a young age you couldn’t have envisioned a future like this I’m sure. Presumably he didn’t either but it is what it is now. Maybe you should do some counselling yourself to help work through your feelings of guilt so that you move to a place where you understand you can walk away knowing it is the right move?

@Tinypoppytop

My children have trapped me because they have been 95% my responsibility - at least. The extra 5% is being generous. DH has carried on as he did before we were married and before we had children as far as I can see, both in terms of career and leisure time.

That is not your children trapping you, that is your husband by not taking responsibility for them.

Stop asking his permission. Just tell him you are taking up a new hobby/hobbies and and you are going out on xx days every week.

I also agree with pp that you would really benefit from counselling to help you move forward in your life. It helped me enormously when I also felt trapped and lost. A good counsellor (and many are not good so don't be afraid to shop around) can really help you to move forward.

Think about when your in your 80s or 90s and you look back and say you stayed in this current relationship, would you look back happy about it or feel like youe wasted your life?

It's clearly much more than sex. However, going a life without experiencing good sex seems like a missed opportunity, one of the joys of life :)