Breaking up family over sex?

[Tinypoppytop]

DH and I have been married for 18 years, I’m 38 now and he’s 47. We have never ever ever had a good sex life, we met when I was 19 and (I’m not proud of this) on the rebound. DH pursued me fairly hard - telling me he loved me after only a week or so and proposing after five weeks. I think, it can barely remember, that we had sex in the first few months and then it just sort of tailed off. I’ve not been very interested and I assume he isn’t either. We quickly went years without sex. When we want dc we had sex until we conceived and then that was it. The youngest dc is 5 now and the last time we had sex was when they were conceived. Neither of us really mention it. We don’t kiss (I find the idea of kissing really really too intimate) but we do hug sometimes. I’m not attracted to DH but I do love him, just maybe not how I should. I love my children. I can’t decide if it’s my family I love, not exactly DH. We get along fine, we don’t do much together or spend any time together and it’s always been thus. But we don’t argue. He’s not my go to person in a crisis, but it’s an ok environment for the children, they aren’t seeing us argue or anything.
I just feel a bit meh. I can’t say we could recapture the spark because I’m not sure there was one. We didn’t even have sex on honeymoon. In fact I think after we married it was then about three years until we had sex again. The sex has never been very good, but maybe that’s because I’m not into it. I am not asexual. I would like a sex life and to write it off forever makes me feel very sad. I know after the length of time we’ve been together you would expect things to be a bit dull but we’ve never had that together at all. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my time and I suppose it’s the same for DH, although he says he’s happy. Tells me he loves me all the time.
On one hand I feel as though it’s sex. It’s not the be all and end all. I’ve two young dc. To break up their family because I’d like to have sex is incredibly selfish.
But I also feel sad and lonely and miserable a lot of the time. I feel like I’ve closed that part of me off and every so often I feel it pushing at me, to want the intimacy. There’s no intimacy. I cut DH’s hair over lockdown and that felt weirdly intimate. We aren’t used to touching. The boyfriend I had before DH, who I was with for four years, was very different. I wanted sex with him and it was very good, but then I was young so maybe it was different then anyway to being middle aged. But it’s ALWAYS been like this with dh, even when I was young.
I realise this is all me me me and obviously this affects dh too but I feel increasingly sad about it.
I spoke to my friend about it and she said I just needed to have hobbies and friends and fill my life that way. I’m not sure it’s enough. But then I know the grass isn’t greener. The chances of meeting someone else reasonable are probably close to zero and I’m making the dc unhappy into the bargain then.

I don’t feel great about basically wasting his life too I mean. Although I feel as though he’s pretty happy. He’s achieved what he wanted in terms of career, he gets the wife and the dc without having to do anything very much with them because I do it. Pre covid he’s had his leisure time at weekends and I’ve had the dc.

Dismissive avoidant, bloody auto text!!!

@Tigertigertigertiger

Do NOTbreak up your family in order to find a better man, because he might not exist.

It’s a terrible reason to leave someone

Would you like a marriage like the op's. I wouldn't and I take marriage very seriously and have been married for 37 years. I couldn't survive a relationship like the op describes. It sounds joyless and if you can't rely on your partner in a crisis (when the op was ill) then when can you.

It sounds like the op was love bombed at the start and the basis of a good relationship was never there. Maybe marriage counselling would be the next step, but the husband would have to be all in to make that work. It doesn't sound like he would be.

You are only 38!

Your narrative in your head seems to be that this is just about sex and so you are being selfish. But its clear that this is not just about sex. Its about you lacking that close, intimate connection to another human being that sex is a part of.

Essentially I feel I made a bad choice aged 19 and it’s written off the rest of my life in some ways.

This really struck me. I am almost a decade older than you and made a bad choice a few years ago which made me feel just like that.
I managed to get some free short term therapy but its really helped me to challenge that thinking and to start to think of ways of making changes to rebuild my life.
You can do that too. Do not trap yourself in this miserable life through negative thinking.

You can rebuild, and you can put yourself in a situation to find a better relationship.

@Tinypoppytop

I know, I don’t feel great about it. My only ‘defence’ is that I was young. I mean I’m not the same person I was at 19/20 as I am now, although I know some people marry young and it works out. I do wonder if it works better if you are both a similar age though, at 19 that decade made a big difference. DH was sorted in terms of career and house. He’d been travelling. He’d had holidays with his friends. He’d done everything he wanted to, whereas I was still quite young and had not done any of those things.

I don't know how much of a difference it makes. I was 20 when I got married and my husband was 27, so not much difference to your situation. Thankfully we've changed together and our relationship has strengthened, rather than weakened. I suppose we are the right fit for each other personality wise and he isn't a dick. I'm not sure that you can say that about the position you find yourself in now. I think I would wither and die without affection and care.

@ilikethedark, totally agree with you about the Op blaming herself. I was exactly the same with my marriage, felt awful about wanting to leave because I had everything materially but nothing emotionally. Therapist said I had a form of Stockholm Syndrome, my exhusband convinced me that I was wrong, the marriage was wonderful in his view. With hindsight I can see that it suited him that way, looked normal from the outside and preserved his need for distance at all times. I find it worrying that the Op recognises he will be difficult if she tries to split. That signals controlling behaviour to me.

Totally different response to others but you might want to try the WeVibe! I'll let you look it up :)

Pink - I’ve got one 😂. DH wouldn’t like me using it if he knew though so I barely ever do.

Why do you assume your chance of meeting someone is zero? You’re only 38 not 68. At your age I wasn’t even married yet!! I’d say the chances are more like 100% you would meet someone. Once you’re late 40s your chances reduce. Right now you are prime. This is your window of opportunity. Don’t blow it.

@Dacquoise did you get out?

He doesn’t help you when you’re on your knees with tiredness. He doesn’t do much with the kids. He doesn’t want to have sex and doesn’t like you seeking alternatives. WTF? Does he have ANY good qualities?

What was your family like? What relationships did you see when you were little?

You are already single handedly parenting, and from what you say, he won’t go for 50/50 parenting anyway. You will be free of the daily disappointments, /lack of care and intimacy that living with your husband inflicts upon you and by extension, your children. Do they have a warm, close relationship with their father, or is he distant with them too? Will your children notice his absence? Or will they see their mother blossom? Would you want your children to live a marriage like yours? If he cannot take care of you when you’re ill temporarily, God help you if you if you really need him.

@rulerbirds, yes I did and couldn't be happier. Have a loving secure relationship with partner that has a secure attachment style it's a revelation. Never felt so safe, supported and 'loved. My exhusband did a great manipulation job on most people around us and I got loads grief from others who didn't understand why I had to get out. He doesn't see our DD anymore. Dropped her like a hot potato when second wife turned up but I am 100% convinced she's living in the same 'morgue' I lived in married to him. Avoidants don't make good spouses.

Have you ever thought about whether he's gay, OP?

And met my partner in my 50s. It's a total fallacy your life is over when you divorce.

I think it’s a very personal decision
I have been in a similar head space and in the end came pretty close to ending it - even said to dh that I wondered if we would be happier living apart and coparenting, because I wondered if he might be feeling the same. He wasn’t.
But then lockdown happened and now one of my dd is experiencing mental health issues. The marriage isn’t great, but it isn’t terrible and so for me at this time I’ve decided I’m not going to be the one that ends it. I am compromising less though and calling him out on things, and since we had that ‘chat’ (I think he was surprised by it), things have actually been a bit better.
I think you’re right to weigh up the impact on the whole
For me I’m carrying on until I feel like I can’t.

Could you not split but make it as painless as possible . Live in same area , children still have same friends and schools . Co -parent .

38 is young and all you are asking for is someone who truly cares about you . I agree it’s not about the sex , you are just more like brother and sister . I don’t think you are being selfish at all .

What does he say about the fact your sex life has always been so sparse and perfunctory?

@Dacquoise avoidant makes terrible spouses. Glad you got out. You’re an inspiration

Thank you. Anything's possible with enough motivation!

I think the fact you've started this thread asking whether you should end the relationship, rather than asking for advice on how you can improve intimacy with your DH or how to have a conversation about it, kind of shows it's over for you. You're not looking for a solution that would give you a happy marriage with your DH because you know you couldn't have one. (at least that's my take on it).

You've mentioned that he's not the person you turn to for support and that when you have been through difficult times he is not there for you, I think this is about much more than sex. It also doesn't sound like a great relationship model for your dc to see as they're not really seeing a healthy relationship, even if they're not seeing a particularly unhealthy one.

There is every chance you could meet someone and have a fulfilling relationship, you're only 38, but just thinking hypothetically in a worse case scenario situation you don't meet anyone else. Do you think you'd feel happier alone rather than in this marriage? That's a question I asked myself before leaving my ex, and the answer for me was a definite yes. I have met someone else now btw, and I am much happier with the relationship. I also had no spark and little intimacy with my ex. I'd been with him for 11 years from the age of 21, had little relationship experience before him, and he was 10 years older than me. I'd wondered if the whole 'spark' thing was a myth but I have that now with my current partner. It's worth having imo, even if it does fade over time.

Echo the others saying you’re only 38! Lots of life left to live and find someone you want to be close to. It’s not ‘just’ about sex that you’d be leaving - it’s about finding mutual compatibility and rediscovering the enjoyment of sharing things.

@Tinypoppytop

Because DH wouldn’t want to split and it wouldn’t be amicable. Also he does very little with the children now so I’m sure now they’d be if they suddenly had half their time with him. DH wouldn’t make it easy in the event of a split, more likely the opposite would be true. I also think there’s a good chance he’d meet someone else quickly and then that opens up all that goes with step parents and step siblings to my dc. Essentially I feel I made a bad choice aged 19 and it’s written off the rest of my life in some ways.

So it's nothing to do with you not wanting to hurt him or the children - after all, if what you're saying about the children is correct, they despise him almost as much as you do?

That sounds rather like you don't want him - you don't even like him - but you don't want him to meet somebody that might love him or to have a situation where he is able to have a relationship with his children that is outside your control.

Again, that's not fair.

There is a possibility that one day, he could decide that he has had enough of being barely tolerated and he could leave. But if not and he lives the rest of his life loving somebody who only stays because she doesn't want him to be happy, loved or in contact with his children outside of her control, that's a situation which, if reversed, would be described as abusive and controlling.

You don't love him. You don't like him. You don't want to touch him (and he respects that). You've never particularly wanted him, but he was better than nothing. Get on with it and stop prolonging the agony for both of you.

[quote rulerbirds]@Dacquoise avoidant makes terrible spouses. Glad you got out. You’re an inspiration[/quote]
Bit of a generalisation there. I have a strong avoidant attachment style, mainly due to an autistic mother who couldn't communicate with me, a Forces father who wasn't around and no other family nearby. I've been with my DH for 32 years, and yes, it's hard because I'm super independent and struggle to be intimate, but it's pretty depressing to hear that I make a terrible spouse. Some of us do try...

I am sure that you do but my experience has been that trying to get the intimacy, connection and support from my ex husband was impossible. Mainly because he saw his way as the only way.

It's pretty distressing and lonely being with someone who can't walk next to you on the pavement, is up and out of the house at the crack of dawn on the weekends, who goes to bed hours after you to avoid you. Someone who refused to interact with his own child and was obsessed with his hobbies and his job. He was a bachelor with the benefits of a marriage. I was housekeeper and child care. That might be okay for some people but having now experienced a relationship with a secure attachment I would never want to go back to that.