Breaking up family over sex?

[Tinypoppytop]

DH and I have been married for 18 years, I’m 38 now and he’s 47. We have never ever ever had a good sex life, we met when I was 19 and (I’m not proud of this) on the rebound. DH pursued me fairly hard - telling me he loved me after only a week or so and proposing after five weeks. I think, it can barely remember, that we had sex in the first few months and then it just sort of tailed off. I’ve not been very interested and I assume he isn’t either. We quickly went years without sex. When we want dc we had sex until we conceived and then that was it. The youngest dc is 5 now and the last time we had sex was when they were conceived. Neither of us really mention it. We don’t kiss (I find the idea of kissing really really too intimate) but we do hug sometimes. I’m not attracted to DH but I do love him, just maybe not how I should. I love my children. I can’t decide if it’s my family I love, not exactly DH. We get along fine, we don’t do much together or spend any time together and it’s always been thus. But we don’t argue. He’s not my go to person in a crisis, but it’s an ok environment for the children, they aren’t seeing us argue or anything.
I just feel a bit meh. I can’t say we could recapture the spark because I’m not sure there was one. We didn’t even have sex on honeymoon. In fact I think after we married it was then about three years until we had sex again. The sex has never been very good, but maybe that’s because I’m not into it. I am not asexual. I would like a sex life and to write it off forever makes me feel very sad. I know after the length of time we’ve been together you would expect things to be a bit dull but we’ve never had that together at all. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my time and I suppose it’s the same for DH, although he says he’s happy. Tells me he loves me all the time.
On one hand I feel as though it’s sex. It’s not the be all and end all. I’ve two young dc. To break up their family because I’d like to have sex is incredibly selfish.
But I also feel sad and lonely and miserable a lot of the time. I feel like I’ve closed that part of me off and every so often I feel it pushing at me, to want the intimacy. There’s no intimacy. I cut DH’s hair over lockdown and that felt weirdly intimate. We aren’t used to touching. The boyfriend I had before DH, who I was with for four years, was very different. I wanted sex with him and it was very good, but then I was young so maybe it was different then anyway to being middle aged. But it’s ALWAYS been like this with dh, even when I was young.
I realise this is all me me me and obviously this affects dh too but I feel increasingly sad about it.
I spoke to my friend about it and she said I just needed to have hobbies and friends and fill my life that way. I’m not sure it’s enough. But then I know the grass isn’t greener. The chances of meeting someone else reasonable are probably close to zero and I’m making the dc unhappy into the bargain then.

never of course it’s about not wanting to hurt him and the children. I do feel this is my fault and so perhaps - if he’s happy as he says - I just put up with it for the sake of everyone else.

@Tinypoppytop

never of course it’s about not wanting to hurt him and the children. I do feel this is my fault and so perhaps - if he’s happy as he says - I just put up with it for the sake of everyone else.

Like I said, that's not fair on him because he doesn't have the chance to meet somebody who actually loves him that way.

And it's shit for you because you're so unhappy and don't have the chance to meet somebody you actually love.

I agree. I also feel a bit as though this halfway house sort of suits him. He doesn’t have to do any investment and I don’t ask anything of him. I deal with the dc and the house. I don’t put any emotional demand on him.

@Tinypoppytop your posts are all very very similar to my situation, so I won't go over all the similarities, but the thing about your dh wanting to be married really hits home with me. Dh is 9 years older than me, and was engaged before we met. She had broken it off, and he'd only been on his own a short while before we met. I remember how determined he was to get married before he turned 40. I had wanted an autumn wedding, but that would have been too late for his ambition, so we had it in the spring. My mum has always said that his family seemed really pleased, almost relieved, to be marrying him off. Same as you, sex was never a frequent thing, and the last time we had any was when our youngest was conceived. It's now 10 years without sex. But as you say, and others are saying, it's not just sex is it. I go over and over the same thing in my head - how can I possibly break up my family because of sex. How can I ever be happy when I know I've made everyone else unhappy. But it's much more than that. It's part of normal human life to need a connection with another human. Surely you don't have to sign this away when you get married. Same for me, dh is the last person I would think of going to when I needed someone or something had happened. I could go on, but you get it. It's really hard to make the decision, and I've been dithering over it for years while my life passes me by. I'm 44 and I do not want to live the next 40 years or so feeling as I do now. I also had an illness 5 years ago which I thought would give me the kick up the bum I needed, but it hasn't. Even when I lay in the hospital room on my own on Valentine's day 2016 I thought to myself I'd love someone to just need to be here with me, and he clearly doesn't. My surgeon even made a comment that my husband should realise how lucky he is to have me.
Like your dh, he seems content to have the wife and two kids lifestyle, but without putting in any of the effort, and that is a daily frustration. Also, he'd be devastated. He knows how I feel but I don't think he's ever really taken it very seriously, as if I just had a bit of a moment and now it's forgotten. I could go on, but you know it all. Good luck working it out OP. Hopefully I will one day too x

I wouldn’t walk away from a marriage with children just because it isn’t meeting all your needs. If it is a stable, loving home for your children free of animosity, then you have met your primary goal.

There is a reason that people wait to separate until the youngest has left for university or a career.

Yes but that’s another 13 years and also people I know whose parents split at that point didn’t find it any easier. They just felt their whole life had been a lie basically - because one or both parents were just waiting until they were out the door and then that was it.
There is no good time basically but I feel like I either say ok, that’s it, and just commit forever or I leave sooner rather than later. Realistically when I’m early 50s it might be harder to leave than now. Also DH will be 60 + at that point.

Yes, you probably made a mistake at 19, but you don't have to live with the consequences forever. Forgive yourself and plan for a better future. If your youngest is 5, I presume the other/s are not too much older. Maybe easier to break up now than when they are teens with impending exams etc? At 38 you are still young. It may not be easy to meet someone else with young children in tow, but they won't be young forever and it's likely you would eventually find someone. It'll never happen though if you stay where you are.

@MixedUpFiles that is almost sadder than the OP's post. Children deserve better than living a lie for 18 years. They deserve to see their parent(s) truly happy.

Leave, it must be killing you a little bit everyday. Life is too short. You all deserve better.

@MixedUpFiles- I’m sorry but that’s rubbish- I tried to leave my DH when my son was 19 — he called me in an absolute panic and told me he never ever wanted to hear his dad that upset again regardless of my reasons- he was quite horrible— don’t presume it’s easier with older teens than a young child

@Tigertigertigertiger

Do NOTbreak up your family in order to find a better man, because he might not exist.

It’s a terrible reason to leave someone

I agree with this.

You might meet someone else; you might not. It may not even matter, in the end. You need to just be happy.

Is there no way you can try and find the intimacy in your relationship? Have some counselling maybe? It just seems a shame to break the family apart for this. I know people say the kids will be fine, but having gone through it as a child and then in my late teens, it blows your world apart and you never forget.

I could have written most of your posts a few years ago. Almost word for word.

I too felt I had made my bed (young as well) and that I should lie in it and that it wasn't abusive and we didn't argue to it was better for the kids. Except it wasn't because my mental health was shot and a very roommate style relationship was being modelled to my children. He slept on the sofa for their whole lives, they never saw us share a bed or even sit next to each other on the sofa. Due to my poor MH, I was snappy, irritable and generally down and just plodding through life. I had stifled my personality when I was young and it was like I stopped in time. Then I started to get my confidence back a bit and I knew I had changed since we got together and he hadn't in any way.

I read on here about children having the same relationship that they were modelled and it scared the hell out of me. I wanted far more for them and my MH was just getting worse.

I did end it and felt nothing but relief. My DCs were older than yours and took it hard at first but quickly adapted. I think the older they are, the more difficult it is for them to adapt. Plus I don't agree with waiting until they are adults. Not one poster on this forum has ever said they were grateful their parents waited to split. They all said they wished they had done it much sooner.

I was a similar age to you OP. I'm now in another relationship and sooooo happy. I never realised that this is what a happy and fulfilling relationship was like. I also have realised how much I love sex and how high a drive I have after not being interested for so long. Turns out I was with the wrong man.

When DP first started staying over, my DD asked if he woukd be sleeping on the sofa. Because to her that was entirely normal. I knew (not that I doubted it) that I had done exactly the right thing. DS has commented more than once how loudly I laugh and I realised it's because he has not grown up hearing it. It took my DCs a while to get used to seeing DP and I being affectionate because it was so unknown to them. I love what it modelled to them now.

Never think it is just about sex. And actually lack of sex in a relationship is a perfectly good reason to end it. Humans generally like and need that physical connection with another and we get lonely without it.

In the same situation I am choosing to stay. It’s very unlikely that I’ll meet someone else so it’s not like I’m missing out. I’d be depriving my DC of a family life, stable income and nice home, just for the vanishingly small chance that I might meet someone. I mean, if I do meet someone I can always leave then, can’t I?

I’d say the chances are more like 100% you would meet someone
I dated from 16-35 before I married DH. I never met anyone I loved. And if I didn’t meet someone when I was young and single and able to go out freely, what are the chances of that happening when I’m 40 and have DC? My mum left my dad over 20 years ago and she never met anyone else either. There’s no guarantee that there’s anyone else out there for you.

There is a reason that people wait to separate until the youngest has left for university or a career.

No, there are lots of different reasons why people put that as the deadline. Not just one reason. That doesn't mean that it's always the right decision.

And often the environment will deteriorate the longer people stay in it making it intolerable to live in!

What happens when you're affectionate towards him? Does he respond?

If sex is important to you how did you not have sex on your honeymoon or for three years? Did you talk about it? Get counselling? How was it addressed at that point?

You mention you think kissing is too intimate. It isn't clear if either of you ever initiate or even try any form of intimacy. Given all else is good, I think you need to try counselling first. I am not sure the next relationship would be any better if you are fine with years without sex and kissing is too intimate. I think you need to figure out the intimacy issues first.

Thank you for all of the responses.
I know really that because it’s a functional relationship I just need to stay.
I don’t think we will have have sex again though and that makes me sad, given that essentially I’ve not had sex since I was about 20 as it is. I do want sex, I just can’t see my ever wanting it with DH. He’s never given oral sex for example and in the dull and distant memory of time I remember really enjoying that with my precious boyfriend. I’ve only had two relationships in my whole life. That one and then my marriage. Sex with DH has always been perfunctory- we had it when ttc. Just at that specific time of the month, twice maybe. And that would be it until the next cycle. It was always over quickly. There’s never been much effort.

I really don’t know how we ended up in that situation so quickly. When I used to raise it DH would say there’s more important things than sex. He’s right, but it is depressing. However like someone unthread said my children aren’t affected by the fact their parents never have sex but would be by us splitting up.

@NotMyPremium, exactly my experience too with mental health and the enlightenment of finding a healthy relationship. I was a shell of the person I was at the end of the marriage and developed an eating disorder. I think I replaced affection and company with food. Humans need connection with other humans to survive, that's what makes us what we are. My ex husband couldn't understand that. He liked to be distant and independent. It suited him and trapped me. We didn't argue, it didn't make the atmosphere any less toxic at home.

Up until my current relationship every single other relationship has been with emotionally unavailable men. The same poison well every time of being ignored and having to chase the other person for crumbs of attention. It seemed normal to me. Not now. Until you find another human who can open his arms to you share his emotions and thoughts with you, genuinely wants to spend time with you, you cannot imagine what a difference that makes both mentally and emotionally. It's like sitting in front of an open fire instead of a closed fridge.

I think the saddest thing with this thread is the number of people who think the Op should tough it out for the sake of her family or try to work on the intimacy. It doesn't work with the wrong person. I ended up with the wrong person because of my childhood training. I accepted ice cubes. There is better out there. It's very sad to sacrifice yourself because you married the wrong person.

Dacquoise
Thank you. I’m glad you are so much happier now. How is your dd? How old was she when you split up if you don’t mind my asking?

I am depressed, I’ve been on anti-depressants for a while and I also often don’t look after myself very well. I just put myself last because it’s second nature and because everything feels a bit pointless. Even before lockdown I didn’t get much enjoyment anywhere, I’ve become very passive.

OP, nothing you have said makes your relationship sound functional.
And you are clearly miserable.

Why do you feel under obligation to live your life being miserable?

Marriages end. It is common. Children manage. Some are even relieved to be out of an atmosphere they have always sensed. Or are pleased to see their mum being happier. Your children probably are affected by your unhappiness.

I just don't see how you can stay without being slowly destroyed. I remember a poster saying she works in MH and has worked with women who end up needing to be sectioned after complete breakdowns brought on by trying to stay in a miserable marriage. It stops you growing. It kills your hope.

I wanted sex with him and it was very good, but then I was young so maybe it was different then anyway to being middle aged

I am almost 50 and enjoy sex MORE than when I was in my 20s. Stop finding reasons to continue living a life you hate.

@Tinypoppytop

Dacquoise Thank you. I’m glad you are so much happier now. How is your dd? How old was she when you split up if you don’t mind my asking?

I am depressed, I’ve been on anti-depressants for a while and I also often don’t look after myself very well. I just put myself last because it’s second nature and because everything feels a bit pointless. Even before lockdown I didn’t get much enjoyment anywhere, I’ve become very passive.

I remember a therapist saying to me, 'think of yourself as flower. You need sun to grow. That sun is hope. You cannot grow whilst you are living without hope. You are living in a situation which is stopping you from growing.'

My daughter was in the final year of primary school when we split up. I am not going to lie it was very hard for her and, aided by him, she blamed me. I had to ride out her anger but now she wouldn't want us to be together and can see what was wrong. She doesn't see her dad anymore. He moved onto someone new and doesn't need her anymore.

I know from my experience that depression can be caused by internalised anger about not looking after your own needs. Are you able to access some personal therapy? Just to build up your self esteem. You don't have to make any drastic life decisions but might help you to understand how you have ended up where you are.

And to add to others comments about being too old to find someone new, please please don't allow negative thoughts to prevent you leaving a bad relationship. I met someone in my fifties. He's wonderful, my best friend and because he makes me happy I am so attracted to him. Been a while but I still can't keep my hands off him. I was someone in a sexless marriage thinking it must be me. It wasn't. It was the marriage.