Anyone ever had a gut feeling that their partner is cheating?

[sarah8484]

I have a horrible gut feeling partner is cheating. The thought wakes me several times a night. Theres a few 'clues' but no hard evidence. Always on phone. Lock on phone that I don't know. Came home other night from work and jumped straight in bath which could be cheating could be he was dirty from work (didnt look it). Going out more but not to long, maybe 1-2 hours. Not a jealous or paranoid person. Im so laid back but something seems off. Sometimes he puts on this extra nice act which is just not him. Or maybe he's just being nicer. Want to confront him but know he will deny whether he is or isnt. But I just have a strong gut feeling....

@SkinnyEx

I'm very sorry to hear of what you went through, your apologies for not derailing the thread I believe are not necessary as women such as youself can give great insight into posters looking for signs and behaviour that can occur within relationships.

That is the thing with affairs, the fallout upon finding out about them can be so monumentally different for every person and very dangerous in some situations.

Op your gut instinct is something you cannot ignor and his reaction to your gut instinct.
Take care.

@tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict I'm sad. Things don't normally bother or get to me. Im such a calm relaxed person naturally but with these feelings/suspicions im a different person. So anxious, sad and feeling worthless. If he is cheating, id rather him just leave than betray me. I could cope with that, can't cope with lies. Think im going to more closely monitor his behaviour a bit more and if i still have suspicions just out right ask him. Thank you for asking and im sorry for all of you who have gone through or are going through this. Why are Men are so sh*tty sometimes

I do understand . I said to my lying , cheating DH that if he wanted to be with other people , just go. That would be bad enough , but the lies , deceptions and betrayals are far far worse. It leaves you feeling so helpless and disorientated.
I hope you find out one way or another, it must very stressful living like that.

Next time he says he is off to "insert random person" say oh I will come with you, would be great to get out the house.

Thanks @Onthedunes.

If I could help it not happen to someone else, that would be great. I was a frog in boiling water, and didn't realise until it was too late. I knew things were not right but despite all the waving flags, thought he'd never do that. I mean, he was my wonderful partner, right, we never argued ...

If I had insisted on going with him, I think he'd have got nasty. I remember thinking 'This isn't quite right, but I'd better not push it'.

The lies were so obvious and too ridiculous for me to think they were true.

If anyone has any ideas on how I can warn others let me know, please. I am tempted to tell my story anonymously, but how?

My username is in some way related to the story, but PsychoEx would be too. One of the first red flags was the 'My ex was a psycho', and so am I, he diagnosed me.

I could list the things I noticed.

@sarah8484, sorry again for derailing your thread.
Yes, you'll be sad. Then you'll find something that will be like a massive punch to your stomach, and this will disorientate you. It will be when you start questioning yourself. When this happens, behave as normally as you can and don't do the 'pick me dance'. Play it cool.

Here is my suggestion:
The next time he nips out to give a quote or meet his uncle/mate Steve/colleague Dave or whatever, phone him on some pretext. If he answers, he will probably sound weird or ask if he can call you back in 5 or 10 minutes. If he doesn't answer, it will be because his phone is switched off or in aircraft mode or on silent.

If he's nipping to the shop or something ask him to pick something up while he's there. Pint of milk or bar of chocolate or something. If his mind is elsewhere, he'll forget, or he'll make a big deal that he got it for you. Probably.

Signs to look out for include sex. Do you ever get the impression that he's not really enjoying it with you? Or has it improved noticeably?

Has he changed in the way he speaks to you? Become more critical or anything?

Have you started to feel excluded?

Has he started making more of an effort with his appearance?

When you have proof that something is going on, 'get your ducks in a row'. It sounds like a cliche but get your plan together, know where you stand legally and financially.

If you have children, watch for him minimising his income to give you less child maintenance.

I hope that there is nothing going on, but your gut is telling you for a reason.

It certainly sounds like it. Sometimes as you say you just get a gut feeling

Yes, and I was right. Never had it before or since. Loads of little things but being protective of phones has to be the key flag. He once left his blackberry at home when he went away to work and called me to talk me through how to switch it off while he was on the line. I did it and then thought wtf

I also remember he developed lots of sudden cravings for things like a can of cherry coke or something we wouldn't have in the house and make an excuse to go out. I'd ring him minutes later and the line would always be busy.

It's a shitty shitty thing to go through.

Yes, had that gut feeling, and yes, was right.

If you don't have small children, next time he's heading out to "help his uncle" say "Oh I'll come with you, I need to get out." If he squirms, you know.

Get the tracker, but keep your powder dry.

Get all financial information, secure all important documents. Prepare for the worst. Sorry

@SkinnyEx

I agree your story would be invaluble, not just concerning the gut feeling upon suspecting an affair but the reponses that vary between cheaters.
You obviously were dealing with a very cruel individual who took his loss of control to another level.

His gaslighting of you must have caused you great trauma, to to blamed for something which is not your fault and blamed for his causing you pain.
I am sorry for you.

Op, I hope you gain your answers but as with any woman on a quest for answers hope you keep yourself safe.

I trusted my instincts and I was right.

Sorry to hear that OP and I expect your gut feeling is right. Hugs. X

Absolutely nothing wrong with a tracker .... that's how I caught mine ....🤣

No gut feeling but my ex was cheating on me for 3 years. With hindsight all the signs were there.

My next post is long and personal and may out me. Sorry for derailing.

Hope you are OK, @sarah8484.

If you manage to read all that, don't have nightmares.

And I'll probably check in tomorrow and probably have it removed as there are things in there that might identify me.

Thanks everyone.
Hope you are ok, OP.

@SkinnyEx

I'm sorry you went through this, it sounds as though he created a false reality and when you questioned that reality he had to control you, the narrative and the perception to the outside world.

You were his primary relationship partner so this had to be enforced intensely, his aggresion would have probably been shown to other women if they had ever stood up to him and blurted out his secrets.

I'm pleased you had him arrested and I'm sure this is the tip of the iceburg.
Feel free to PM me if you wish to talk.

Apologies op for derailing but I think Skinney Ex's post demonstrates it's not just the gut feelings that need to be taken into account, it can be warning signals in someones past or evidence that someone could be capable of cruel behaviour, yet appear so loving, there can be many things that can hint to the nature of a liar, abuser or cheat.

Offer to go with him when he is doing late night quotes.

@sarah8484

Were not together at the min. (He's gone out to 'help his uncle' and i put a quote on my fb about 'knowing when someone's lying' and he keeps calling but Ive not answered yet. It's like he's panicking. Will let him sweat it out some more then call and see his reaction.

Don't keep us in suspense. What happened?

I think that if you possibly can, you need to play it calm and gather evidence. Though the Facebook post has probably alerted him already. Try not to post anything else like that or he’ll just cover his tracks better.
I agree with others that a tracker is a terrible idea. There are loads of threads on here in which women have found trackers on their cars planted by partners who believe them to be cheating. I don’t really see why it’s OK when the genders are swapped.

Yes. And unfortunately I was right too.

I don’t think I would go down the tracking route either.. I think I would confront him in a serious manner and say something along the lines of.. i don’t think we can be together anymore as I have a strong feeling your cheating.. call his bluff and let him know you’re taking control of the decisions.. explain about the phone and the random outings.. if he doesn’t offer to reassure you by showing you his phone or to arrange appointments properly then I think you have your answer and start to slowly back away.. make some boundaries and if nothing changes ultimately leave.
I couldn’t put myself through it.
I’ve had a cheating partner with all the signs you describe I promised myself I would never let it happen again. I may have walls up now but no way would I allow another person to show me such little respect ever again.

Say you've lost your phone and ask to use his. Say you're bored and will come out for a drive with him to do his quote. Trust your gut, I wish I had in the past x

Yes I had a gut feeling my ex was cheating and it turned out to be right
I questioned him on a few little things that just didn't add up but obviously at the time he had what seemed like reasonable answers. His was the 'nicest guy ever' as far as everyone was concerned but my gut feeling wouldn't go away.
Finally managed to figure out his passcode on his phone and get hold of it while he was in the shower.
Full of messages to other girls, pictures etc and it was clear he'd been seeing one girl regularly and had booked a hotel room with another.
He went in the bin. Spent a few weeks crying and begging me to take him back but there was no chance of that.