Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this petty re: mothers day

85 replies

Lullaby88 · 10/03/2021 22:49

I don't know what it is but everytime mothers day turns up I start off with not expecting much from my partner. But then I see him going all crazy for his Mum and it makes me feel like why cant he just suprise me. He actually wants to get his mum really nice things that I love! He says to me il give u money and u can buy anything u want and that he would buy me dinner and flowers too. Theres no suprises i just know what im getting. We do this for birthdays as we have been disappointed in th past with gifts so we just tell eachothr.what we want. But for mothers day id like to be suprised.
Tbh if he never did all this for his Mum Id be really happy with just lunch.
Anyway this time he said hes going to get my childs picture and his mums on a cushion and i had to tell him that why cant u suprise me like that? Im her actual mum and i dont have that? It sounds cringe and awful but it bothered me. So he said oh no here we go. I had a full blown rant at him telling him he can think of all the nicest things for his mother but not for the mother of his children (im pregnant) could be hormones raging tbh but i blew up at him. I stopped him from buying that gift and he said he wont get it. Now i feel sheepish as if he gets me something it wont b genuine. Also his mum never expects much from him he just goes all crazy. I have nothing against her.
Later he was talking to his aunt and she asked what hes doing for mothers day and he said id better do somethin orelse il b in trouble from wife and laughed it really annoyed me even if it was a joke.
After that i told him i want nothing. Just lunch and dinner would b good and some rest. Anything else will be fake.

Did i over react over this whole thing or would it piss you off too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lullaby88 · 10/03/2021 22:51

Also i do keep worrying il be upset that he will still do something lovely for his mum and not me. Hes not telling me what hes getting her now.

OP posts:
Purplewithred · 10/03/2021 22:53

I’d be pissed off too. But it sounds as if everyone got quite heated about it and now his mum won’t be getting her lovely present. Dont stop him doing something for you, even if it does seem forced this year.

Itsybitsydooda · 10/03/2021 22:58

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable.. until your children are old enough to get you things themselves he should be spoiling you. You are the mother of his children and you deserve to feel special.
I'm dreading Sunday, my stbxh has done a card with the kids but I highly doubt its even occurred to him to get a gift from the girls and try to make it special seeing as how he ended our marriage the week before mothers day but I know he'll be spending the day with his new girl and her family and he will probably pay for a meal/expensive takeaway and wine etc.

londonscalling · 10/03/2021 23:04

Because you haven't been happy with birthday presents, he's thinking the same applies for Mother's Day. He doesn't realise how important the day is to you. My husband and I often agree not to buy each other presents but I then get upset that he hasn't (I don't let on though). It's not my husbands fault. We just need to be honest with them!

LocalHobo · 10/03/2021 23:05

But you are not his Mother?
I don't understand why my DH would get me a gift for Mother's Day. Once your DC starts nursery you will be overwhelmed with scribbles and tat. That is what it's all about with little ones, not expensive gestures.

Original poster
Lullaby88 · 10/03/2021 23:09

@londonscalling we did that once and agreed no mothers/fathers day or valentines celebrations this year. I still expected he would just get some flowers though lol but nothing. Pissed me off.

OP posts:
activitythree · 10/03/2021 23:09

@LocalHobo

But you are not his Mother? I don't understand why my DH would get me a gift for Mother's Day. Once your DC starts nursery you will be overwhelmed with scribbles and tat. That is what it's all about with little ones, not expensive gestures.

This ^

Original poster
Lullaby88 · 10/03/2021 23:11

@localhobo yeah but so many men do this for thier other half. Its not uncommon.

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 10/03/2021 23:17

you sound childish.
you say you two agreed not to do cards/celebrations, yet you were annoyed when he kept to this agreement.
sorry, but when you have had some real problems to deal with, you will see how silly all this is.
you love him don't you, and he you. and you have DC.
now imagine being all alone, ill, old, with nothing to look forward to, having lost everything and everyone.
now go and tell him, i'm sorry for being a pillock. thank you for sharing your life with me. thank you for enabling me to be a mother.
and mean it.

it's so sad to have left it too late. i know.

activitythree · 10/03/2021 23:25

[quote Lullaby88]@localhobo yeah but so many men do this for thier other half. Its not uncommon.[/quote]

Then you need to decide what you want from your relationship. I can't imagine ever finding something like this remotely important tbh. It's not an indicator of anything.

Wearywithteens · 10/03/2021 23:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Lullaby88 · 10/03/2021 23:31

Lol @alexdgr8 no i wont do that.
I understand there are bigger problems in this world. But i also value my feelings.

OP posts:
ScoobyCat · 10/03/2021 23:32

OP it sounds a bit like you are romanticising all these dates and building up an idea of what you would like in your head, this always ends in disappointment, add in the fact that you and your DH have agreed not to do anything for mother’s/fathers day then you really need to stop and think about what is going on here - do you want to mark the day or not ? If you do then you need to make that clear, and you need to manage expectations between yourselves.

TL:DR : talk to each other !

Original poster
Lullaby88 · 10/03/2021 23:32

@wearywithteens
I agree !

OP posts:
Original poster
Lullaby88 · 10/03/2021 23:35

@scoobycat theres been a misunderstanding. We said we wouldnt do mothers day etc for a year in 2018..but because it didnt feel quite right doing it like that we decided to.celebrate it thereafter.

OP posts:
Itsybitsydooda · 11/03/2021 00:07

Just follow my plan. Don't bother with Fathers Day. I'll be spending the day with my dad

MMmomDD · 11/03/2021 00:24

First of all - I think it’s very unreasonable to be jealous and compare the effort he puts in into a present to his mother vs you on Mother’s Day.
It is a good sign he does it and I am sure it makes her happy. And she did give birth and raise him. She gets one special holiday a year. You have Valentine’s Day and all the other days of the year where you are the main woman in his life. Can’t his mother have one day in a year where she is also important? You don’t really need to compete with her on that day.

Secondly - you admit that both of you don’t do ‘surprise gifts’ at other occasions as that leads to disappointments. But you expect and get annoyed at the lack of surprise for this holiday??? That makes no sense.

And it’s always strange to me when people make such holidays about presents rather than family. And expecting presents from your BF on behalf of your small children, and surprise presents is really strange to me.
Just because some men do that - doesn’t mean it’s a usual expectation.

CottonC · 11/03/2021 01:15

@LocalHobo

But you are not his Mother? I don't understand why my DH would get me a gift for Mother's Day. Once your DC starts nursery you will be overwhelmed with scribbles and tat. That is what it's all about with little ones, not expensive gestures.
Exactly this.

The post from OP comes across as very self preoccupied and insecure. OP is very jealous her boyfriend is spoiling his mum on mother's day, but this is what he should be doing since she's his actual mother(!!) Confused

She carried him, gave birth to him, brought him up from baby, has there for him in every way well before OP came on the scene, and has been a vital part of his life since he was born, and obviously still is. That's what the day is celebrating and OP you're simply none of those things in relation to him. Calm down and stop seeing your MIL as competition.

Romantic relationships, especially unmarried ones, break down all the time. In the future, you and your boyfriend may break up, but she'll always be his mother no matter what, and this is the key named day in the year to celebrate this unique bond. Wait until your own kids are older and i'm sure they'll celebrate with presents etc.

Also why the focus on materialism and wanting to arm twist people into providing presents they don't want to give? Why not be satisfied with a genuine well wish on mothers day from him instead of expecting all these things when you're not his mother? All this jealous and unreasonable behaviour will be really putting him off you and will only backfire on you.

CottonC · 11/03/2021 01:22

Edit: the issue is actually worse than that, the boyfriend is actually buying presents of his own volition but the OP is demanding to be "surprised". I hope this is pregnancy hormones talking otherwise sounds spoilt, with a toxic atmosphere being created.

CottonC · 11/03/2021 01:23

You'll also do well to ponder the fact that without his mother giving birth to him and her love and care, he wouldn't actually exist...

Italiangreyhound · 11/03/2021 03:00

You are not unreasonable but it is confusing. Have a straight forward talk.

I might start by saying sorry if I blew up at you, let's start again. That idea for your mum was a lovely gift. I would like something similar but different from my kid/s (organised by you!) Maybe next year you can get the cushion with baby on too.

Please don't try to stop him doing things for his mum, but encourage him to do things you will appreciate for you too.

AnotherKrampus · 11/03/2021 03:55

Think the clue is in the word 'mother'. What is it with women expecting their partner to expecting a mother's day surprise from their partner! That's just mega entitled and you sound like a brat OP.

timeisnotaline · 11/03/2021 04:00

ugh to the your not his mother. The child sounds too young to get you something and the fetus definitely too young. I think you need to take back the don’t get me anything and tell him you are upset and blowing up but you really would like him to get something. You are growing his child 24h a day and it would be nice if wh appreciated that role as a mother in his wife, without which he doesn’t get kids.

JosephineBaker · 11/03/2021 04:31

You are not his mother.

It’s lovely he wants to spoil her for Mother’s Day - some day your children may do the same. Until then, a card made at nursery or a bunch of daffs is pretty much your lot.

frazzledasarock · 11/03/2021 04:40

But he is doing something lovely for you, and giving you money or asking you what you want it is an established tradition between you both, you just said so, you do the same.

How about tell him you want a surprise how he gets your DC to mark Mother’s Day?

The man isn’t psychic he thinks you’ve agreed to tell each other what you want for mother’s day and other celebrations. You said you both agreed to do that. Tell him if you don’t want to do that anymore.

I do think your being unreasonable to get jealous at how he celebrates mother’s day for his own mum. He’s clearly a lovely thoughtful man who wants to treat his mum on one day of the year. Be delighted you’ve got a lovely husband who tries to treat his mother.

Your DC will be watching and learning from him and will be making your mother’s days really lovely in a few years time when they’re old enough to.

Do you pull all the stops out for him on father’s day?