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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this petty re: mothers day

85 replies

Lullaby88 · 10/03/2021 22:49

I don't know what it is but everytime mothers day turns up I start off with not expecting much from my partner. But then I see him going all crazy for his Mum and it makes me feel like why cant he just suprise me. He actually wants to get his mum really nice things that I love! He says to me il give u money and u can buy anything u want and that he would buy me dinner and flowers too. Theres no suprises i just know what im getting. We do this for birthdays as we have been disappointed in th past with gifts so we just tell eachothr.what we want. But for mothers day id like to be suprised.
Tbh if he never did all this for his Mum Id be really happy with just lunch.
Anyway this time he said hes going to get my childs picture and his mums on a cushion and i had to tell him that why cant u suprise me like that? Im her actual mum and i dont have that? It sounds cringe and awful but it bothered me. So he said oh no here we go. I had a full blown rant at him telling him he can think of all the nicest things for his mother but not for the mother of his children (im pregnant) could be hormones raging tbh but i blew up at him. I stopped him from buying that gift and he said he wont get it. Now i feel sheepish as if he gets me something it wont b genuine. Also his mum never expects much from him he just goes all crazy. I have nothing against her.
Later he was talking to his aunt and she asked what hes doing for mothers day and he said id better do somethin orelse il b in trouble from wife and laughed it really annoyed me even if it was a joke.
After that i told him i want nothing. Just lunch and dinner would b good and some rest. Anything else will be fake.

Did i over react over this whole thing or would it piss you off too?

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 12/03/2021 10:10

He probably thinks what he is getting for his own mum would not be well received by you. And you have a pre-existing agreement that you both don't love the others gift choices, so you will buy according to a list or whatever you want and the gifter will pay for it.

Do you want a cushion with your kids photo on it?

If you now feel different talk to him, tell him how you feel, I don't think he is at fault here.

Helenluvsrob · 12/03/2021 10:16

This is interesting. Is it an age thing ?

My husband does stuff for his mum ( well actually I do now - my mum died and my MIL is lovely ).

Whrr eg n the kids were tiny I sort of got annoyed that really he didn’t do much. I got a card they’d made at nursery etc.

As they’ve grown up - I appreciate their gift / cards so much more. They aren’t high value - they are young Audra struggling to get going - but youngest is cooking a surprise dinner and son is coming dog walking - dippy eldest is further away and will probably ring. That’s all I need

ChristmasFluff · 12/03/2021 11:02

Instead of all the passive aggression, you need to properly communicate.

You agreed to not getting eachother birthday presents and so he is not being unreasonable to think the same applies to Mothers Day. And the downside of being surprised is that you might not like your surprise - so really think nif that is what you actually want to do. Sounds like his birthday surprises weren't particularly appreciated....

And never, ever say you 'aren't going to do Valentine's Day' or whatever if you actually want a gift. I hope you are not now expecting a present for Mother's Day, having told him not to get you one?

No-one is a mind-reader. I would imagine he is dreaming of the day when this burden falls on your children rather than him. Please don't do this to your children - your post makes you sound like one of those people who sets 'love-tests' for people that are designed for them to fail.

I really don't understand why when you heard about his mum's present you didn't just say to him, 'oooh, that sounds great, I'd love one of those too!'

needadvice54321 · 12/03/2021 11:07

@timeisnotaline

He was going to put more effort into what he was doing for his mum, but op and him have a history of disappointing presents it seems for birthdays etc so they stick to a list. So she's being pretty unreasonable to expect mothers day to be different. To rephrase, he was pretty shitty at presents so she has to specify things, now she’s seen him in action and realised he can be thoughtful and caring and make an effort to buy a lovely present... he just can’t be arsed to do that for her. Understandably a disappointing realisation. I remember my then bf being super organised for something he wanted to do- planning the logistics, scoping out the area. He told me about it and I processed the effort he’d gone to and I was hurt and angry. I asked him if I could go out with that guy instead, how come I never got to meet him?

☝️this is exactly as I'd feel too

Sakurami · 12/03/2021 11:21

I don't see the point of my (now ex) getting me something for mother's day. When the kids are old enough then something that they had made or chosen, yes.

But if I thought my partner would really like it then I would do it for them, even if I wasn't bothered.

Suagar · 13/03/2021 15:01

@ChristmasFluff

Instead of all the passive aggression, you need to properly communicate.

And never, ever say you 'aren't going to do Valentine's Day' or whatever if you actually want a gift. I hope you are not now expecting a present for Mother's Day, having told him not to get you one?

I really don't understand why when you heard about his mum's present you didn't just say to him, 'oooh, that sounds great, I'd love one of those too!'

Yes, this. Passive aggressive people are the absolute WORST. A lot of them tend to be abusive too. I feel sorry for the man. He does exactly what his girlfriend asks for and he still gets burnt in a spiteful, passive aggressive way. Only a manipulative person would then try to stop him from getting his mum that gift (especially when it's Mother's Day!).

In the first place, who would want to go to town getting a present for such a troublesome person who actually hated it when he tried to surprise her previously and is only full of envy, demands and complaint?? Of course he wouldn't try surprising her again. I know I certainly wouldn't. These mind games and passive aggression are exactly the sort of thing that leads you to slowly start falling out of love with a person.

His mum in contrast sounds easy-going and lovely. Interesting that his presents and efforts hit the mark with her. His personality sounds much more compatible with someone of her character type.

@Lullaby88 - OP you need to change your passive aggressive behaviour or you're in danger of this relationship not lasting. He can easily decide in the future that enough is enough and find someone who he's more compatible with who won't give him this sort of unnecessary grief and interfere with his family relationships.

Suagar · 13/03/2021 15:05

Also some people may find 'child photo on a cushion' quite tacky or underwhelming so it's perfectly understandable he didn't give this as a present if OP has form for criticising presents he's given in the past. I really hope he still gave it to his mum and didn't listen to OP who's spitefully trying to ruin her gift.

FaceyRomford · 13/03/2021 15:35

Your DP gets you a present (well cash) on Mother's Day? Why?

luckylavender · 13/03/2021 18:15

@Lullaby88 - you aren't his mother. He really doesn't need to get you anything. Mothering Sunday is a religious festival turned into a marketers dream.

Onthedunes · 14/03/2021 03:05

@timeisnotaline

Totally agree @timeisnotaline

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