Is this petty re: mothers day

[Lullaby88]

I don't know what it is but everytime mothers day turns up I start off with not expecting much from my partner. But then I see him going all crazy for his Mum and it makes me feel like why cant he just suprise me. He actually wants to get his mum really nice things that I love! He says to me il give u money and u can buy anything u want and that he would buy me dinner and flowers too. Theres no suprises i just know what im getting. We do this for birthdays as we have been disappointed in th past with gifts so we just tell eachothr.what we want. But for mothers day id like to be suprised.
Tbh if he never did all this for his Mum Id be really happy with just lunch.
Anyway this time he said hes going to get my childs picture and his mums on a cushion and i had to tell him that why cant u suprise me like that? Im her actual mum and i dont have that? It sounds cringe and awful but it bothered me. So he said oh no here we go. I had a full blown rant at him telling him he can think of all the nicest things for his mother but not for the mother of his children (im pregnant) could be hormones raging tbh but i blew up at him. I stopped him from buying that gift and he said he wont get it. Now i feel sheepish as if he gets me something it wont b genuine. Also his mum never expects much from him he just goes all crazy. I have nothing against her.
Later he was talking to his aunt and she asked what hes doing for mothers day and he said id better do somethin orelse il b in trouble from wife and laughed it really annoyed me even if it was a joke.
After that i told him i want nothing. Just lunch and dinner would b good and some rest. Anything else will be fake.

Did i over react over this whole thing or would it piss you off too?

@LocalHobo

But you are not his Mother? I don't understand why my DH would get me a gift for Mother's Day. Once your DC starts nursery you will be overwhelmed with scribbles and tat. That is what it's all about with little ones, not expensive gestures.

I've selected the post above from LocalHobo because it highlights an important message (I think).

The OP is the mother of his children.
It shows respect that the OP's DH would demonstrate to his own children how their mother should be treated.

#On Mother's Day, I get a gift for my own mother and for my Mother in Law as she is the mother of my DH. It demonstrates to my kids that I respect this woman and like her and appreciate her. It's a nice thing to do.
It's not about the tat or the scribbles (which are lovely at the time) but about how you are seen in the scheme of a family unit. It's a thank you for being a good, kind and loving mother to our children. That's why I think DH's should be more attentive to this.

he isn’t your mother

No but you are the mother of his child and therefore it doesn’t hurt for him to make an effort. It’s not a competition, he can get gifts for both you and mum.

I find it a bit sad that he feels he has to or he will get into trouble with you. He should want to do something to show appreciation of behalf of both him and his child.

It's interesting that his mother is not actually bothered yet he goes overboard, so to speak. You are bothered, and so he doesn't think about you much.
I have 2 sisters. Love them both equally. Sister A is materialistic and makes a big song and dance about birthdays, etc. Sister B doesn't care what you get her. She doesn't even desire a card. She's like me. I don't care what you get me.
As a result, I don't get sister A much for her birthday ( I feel too much pressure to get the right thing, overthink it, get headache then give up). I send her presents when she least expects it. For sister B, I give her money ( she's often skint, as she is so kind, she gives her own money to others!), take her out for a meal, drinks, etc.
Your OH probably feels pressurised. If you feel loved, appreciated most days, I don't see how one day makes a difference.

I don't understand all this "you are not his mother " stuff - it is normal is it not to get a card saying "thank you Mummy for looking after me, blah blah " from even a baby via Dad ?

I do think however that all the hoo ha around Mother's Day and all these other events/days has been ramped up so much in the last few years with all the tat and shit that is sold on FB groups etc . It leads to expectations I think . OP you mention you will only have lunch and dinner then ( I think ) - it's usually breakfast and that's it ? You dont like what he gets you but you want a surprise ? You can't have it all ways !

So tempted to say, but you're not his mother, but I get your point entirely. To put so much thought into his own mum but not one scrap into the mother of his children, is infuriating and hurtful. Fair enough if he's one of those dicks who bother with no one on special occasions but he's proved he has it in him to be thoughtful. A real case of being taken for granted.

Maybe he's not seen his mum because of covid and wanted to make it special? In which case I would forgive it.

[quote Lullaby88]@londonscalling we did that once and agreed no mothers/fathers day or valentines celebrations this year. I still expected he would just get some flowers though lol but nothing. Pissed me off.[/quote]
So he did what you agreed and you still weren't happy.
Its not your dh who is the problem

I think this is just a “what’s normal in your family” thing. In mine and my DH’s family, Mother’s Day is when you get something for YOUR mum only. My dad never got my mum anything, and DH has never got me anything. It wouldn’t occur to me to mark Father’s Day for my DH either. It’s for our kids to do cards etc when they are old enough, although I might help them if feeling energetic.

Could this just be a culture clash? And, if you want him to do something, tell him explicitly?

I understand you totally,
My H never thinks about birthdays or Mother’s Day for me, he says am ungrateful I say he doesn’t buy for ME, for my birthday I got taken out for dinner, actually made me feel guilty about not wanting to go and he asked as we ordered dessert if I could sub him some cash cos he could afford it, (never paid it back either) for Xmas I got mini travel hair products things I never have used in 19 years together and chocolate I don’t bloody eat chocolate, in my 9 years as a mum I have never had breakfast in bed or even a coffee, one Mother’s Day I went out for a walk and pulled a ceiling down but didn’t close any door so I spent the day on my hands a knees cleaning up every fucking room, all while he was panicking about having to go to see his mum, Cos she’d be upset! Mother’s Day to me just makes me feel even more unappreciated than a normal day, see my friends getting little querky things that so for their style and personality and I get supermarket flowers and chocolate and I don’t like bloody chocolate.

I think a small gesture is nice, when the kids are too young, so something like a card, some daffodils, breakfast in bed. Something to acknowledge it.

I would fully expect a partner to do more for his mother than his partner. I find it kinda odd to want to be getting the exact same. You’re not his mum.

Exactly. When the children are older you'll be their focus on Mother's Day. For now a sweet gesture is enough.

You're not his mother. Mothers of adults have to take a back seat when their children find their own partners and make their own lives. For goodness'sake, let his mum have her day.

Sounds like he can't win, you have disappointed each other in the past with gifts so he suggests giving you money, flowers and taking you to dinner but you throw a tantrum because he is doing something more or different for his actual mother? How is he supposed to know that you wouldn't also be disappointed with the cushion if he bought it for you? And why shouldn't he make his actual mother feel special on Mothers' Day?

Honestly, stop it completely with all this surprise me, treat me crap.
Make family plans and be grateful for time together.
Let his mum have this one day to feel special. Your children will do the same for you.
Apologise for your weird comments and behaviour about his cushion gift.
You'll sabotage your relationship (if you haven't already done so) with this attitude.
You can buy things you want. You can plan nice things together.

OP have you considered how you would feel in 20 years if your child was barred from buying you a mothers day gift because their partner was jealous? What a hurtful thing to do.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here. You would possibly be unreasonable if you were expecting your partner to buy you a present from himself to signify you are the mother of his children, and he hasn't in the past, although lots of men do that - my late DH always did, and it's really common.

However I am really surprised at the amount of women who don't think the partner should be bothering his arse to get a card and token from his children for their mum. I would have been very hurt if DH hadn't considered it his job to think about, source and buy a gift and card, however small or tokenistic. I do think you may have muddied the waters with the birthday and Christmas gift policy though.

I don’t know anyone whose partners directly buy gifts for Mothering Sunday. It’s all about coaching the kids to make or do things at an age appropriate level. If they are babies then nothing. What he’s doing for his mother is what he’s modelling for your children to do for you so I wouldn’t write it off so easily. The interest in gifts just comes off badly.

What do you do for him on fathers day, OP?

However I am really surprised at the amount of women who don't think the partner should be bothering his arse to get a card and token from his children for their mum.

But that's not what this is. Op's bloke is offering a meal, flowers and money to treat herself. She's kicking off because he's not "surprising" her with something.

He was going to put more effort into what he was doing for his mum, but op and him have a history of disappointing presents it seems for birthdays etc so they stick to a list. So she's being pretty unreasonable to expect mothers day to be different.

@category12 yes I realise that. I did say in this case that the birthday situation had muddied the waters. That observation was aimed at a lot of the comments saying that mums should wait until the kids were old enough to squiggle on a piece of card.

I don’t know anyone whose partners directly buy gifts for Mothering Sunday. It’s all about coaching the kids to make or do things at an age appropriate level. If they are babies then nothing.

Where as I don't know anyone whose partner doesn't facilitate Mother's Day while children are too young to do it themselves.
I think it's pretty shitty behaviour not to acknowledge the mother of your children on Mother's Day when you have small children.

@needadvice54321

I never really understand it when I read on here that Mother's Day isn't the responsibility of a partner until the children are old enough to go shopping themselves. Personally I think it is possible to make two people feel special on one day.. . It's not a competition, her partner buying her something doesn't take away anything from his mum (unless it does for financial reasons!) We don't make a huge issue of either MD or FD, but whoever's day it is gets a little treat and a day about themselves. When I met DH he also took on my very young DS and started helping him to spoil me on MD. DH now doesn't have a mum himself, but that would have continued. Father's Day - both my dad and DH get treated. I'd find it odd if I only focussed on my Dad, DH does so much for us as a family and I want his children to show it, why wouldn't I? Does he only become a father once they're old enough to sort it themselves? That's weird to me.

However OP, I think you have confused matters with your previous issues with surprises - I'm not surprised your DH doesn't do anything if he thinks you don't want it. My DH wouldn't! He can't think outside of the box like that!

I think you need to apologise for getting upset with him, explain why you're upset and hopefully going forwards he may do something.

But the boyfriend already does something special on mothers day for her. The issue is she's jealous of his mother.

For goodness sake, some posters haven't even bothered to read the OP's post. For the record, the boyfriend DOES buy things for OP on mothers day: he's offered her money to buy anything she wants, plus wants to buy her dinner and flowers. She said herself that she's been disappointed with gifts he's given in the past so the poor man is simply alleviating that by giving her money to buy whatever she wants yet she's still not satisfied and now wants to cruelly deprive his mother from her present.

He was going to put more effort into what he was doing for his mum, but op and him have a history of disappointing presents it seems for birthdays etc so they stick to a list. So she's being pretty unreasonable to expect mothers day to be different.
To rephrase, he was pretty shitty at presents so she has to specify things, now she’s seen him in action and realised he can be thoughtful and caring and make an effort to buy a lovely present... he just can’t be arsed to do that for her. Understandably a disappointing realisation.
I remember my then bf being super organised for something he wanted to do- planning the logistics, scoping out the area. He told me about it and I processed the effort he’d gone to and I was hurt and angry. I asked him if I could go out with that guy instead, how come I never got to meet him?

Thanks all we decided to buy my MIL a bunch of flowers now and she asked hubby for a perfume.
@timeisnotaline u hit the nail on the head regarding how i felt about all this. No one else seems to get it.
I am not a jealous DIL just felt disheartned, mayb i feel unloved right now (hormonal) and expected my partner to do something special he sees how much effort i put in during the whole lockdown just to make sure my child is happy and occupied all day. I dont have a support bubble and all that.but iv ordered my stuff as he wanted and just left it now.

we do get it but your reaction stopped your DH getting something for his mum that he thought she'd like.

If you didn't get that from the thread, you didn't read all the answers. Most people said that of course he should do what he wants to for his own mum and that he should help your DC do something for you.

And if you want him to "surprise" you with flowers - tell him don't just agree to do nothing for valentine's day and then get in a snit when he does just that.

Are you his mother?

Yeah but its a little different when u hav someone to compare it to.
And here we go again with a 'are u his mother' comment.