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Original poster

Continuing Marriage After an Affair

84 replies

spongebobscaredypants · 10/03/2021 18:21

Has anyone done it successfully?

I found out my husband had contacted a prositute, he visited her, he denies he went through with anything but had arranged to go back.

I caught him he didn't fess up. He's totally remorseful and I think he's sincere that he won't do this again.

It's nearly 2 months down the line, he was kicked out the night I found out and isn't back home. With the passage l
Of time the crying has stopped and I'm not angry anymore. I'm hurt but I mainly just feel really sad about the loss of my family unit. I miss him so much, we've been together 15 years and have 2 primary age children.

I am half considering counselling with a view to attempting to try and forgive.

I guess I just want to hear about experiences, did anybody manage to move on from the betrayal, if so do you have trust again? Did anyone try and regret it? And for those that chose not to try again are you in a better place or do you regret not giving it a shot?

Guess that's my worry that I'll spend the rest of my life regretting not at least trying

OP posts:
Worakls · 10/03/2021 18:40

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would recommend counselling anyway, whether to try and forgive or to try and accept what's happened and then make a decision. I would be weary of the fact he didn't confess and that it sounds like he still hasn't told you the whole truth. To truly forgive and get past this level of betrayal, he needs to prove to you he is fully committed, and then means answering all questions honestly.
I did try and forgive. We had a year of counselling and went on to have another child. I forgave but I did not forget and looking back our relationship was not quite the same again, there was a lot of Me worrying and trying to pretend it was fine, but we were happy yes.
Then I found out he'd done it again a few years later, so we are now divorcing.
So be careful, make sure it is what you really want and that he is committed to change. And think about how you will feel if he were to do it again... Xx

Wanderlusto · 10/03/2021 18:48

My worry would be how he views women that he thinks its ok to buy them for sex. Do you have daughters with him?

Even if you are over your anger, even if you truly believe he wouldn't do it again, what kind of man thinks prostitution is ok? Not a good one in my books. Probably not one I'd want to have near my young and impressionable children either tbh.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 10/03/2021 18:50

I'd be worried that the was the one time you caught him. They'll have been others too (sorry).

Did he confess he slept with her in the end?

Tryinghardfornothing89 · 10/03/2021 18:51

Theres another thread on here currently that might really help you. I think the title is "reflections after sexless marriage affair"

Tryinghardfornothing89 · 10/03/2021 19:04

Sorry, its sexless marriage affair reflections

airsealengineer · 10/03/2021 19:05

Personally, I find it hard to believe it can work as he is clearly still lying to you. The idea that he visited prostitute, did not have sex, but arranged to see her again is insulting your intelligence. There is no way this happened.
I think where the errant partner is totally honest about what happened, owns all of it and their responsibility, then there is a chance.

When the errant partner is still lying to you. Not a chance. And I think if he is still lying, he will think he ' got away with it' if you take him back and will be more likely to cheat again.

Anyway, a relationship with a liar is not worth having.

Faith50 · 10/03/2021 19:28

My husband was unfaithful with five women over the course of our marriage. It shattered my heart into pieces. I have received a lot of support on MN. He confessed the first incident and the other four were confessed much later. I had 3 discovery days which were like a blow to the stomach. The first year was horrendous, the second I was becoming to accept it. I now feel I have returned right back to my starting point - there is so much anger. I no longer want the marriage so we are parting. I am stronger though I am crying an awful lot. The reality of the situation I am in I expect. When the trust goes, you lose the innocence and safety you once had. I cannot lie to myself any longer.

sleepyhead1980 · 10/03/2021 19:30

@Wanderlusto

My worry would be how he views women that he thinks its ok to buy them for sex. Do you have daughters with him?

Even if you are over your anger, even if you truly believe he wouldn't do it again, what kind of man thinks prostitution is ok? Not a good one in my books. Probably not one I'd want to have near my young and impressionable children either tbh.

I'm afraid I agree with this, sorry you are going through it
Original poster
spongebobscaredypants · 10/03/2021 22:00

Gosh so not one positive sorry yet.

It's just so so so shit :( I miss my life so much 😔

OP posts:
Seadad · 10/03/2021 22:44

What kind of man thinks prostitution is ok? Presumably the same as the kind of woman that thinks its ok? And yes - women have been separated from their children because of this attitude toward prostitution -and that is what is not ok. I think moralising about sex work is for another thread.
It's infidelity OP - and you are entitled to grieve for the loss of the relationship you had. Whether you can salvage anything really depends on the whole story of your relationship - which won't be the same as anyone else's.

occa · 10/03/2021 22:52

I think the chances that you've been told the truth by your DH here are infinitesimally small.

If you can live with the fact that you will likely never know the scope of this and if you don't think it'll shatter you if it happens again (likely), then have at it.

I know quite a few women who stay with cheating partners and seem ok with it as long as it's all more or less discreet. I couldn't do it myself but huge amounts of money seem to help.

londonscalling · 10/03/2021 22:59

I'd be interested to know how you found out about him visiting a prostitute as this could make a difference to whether you give it another try!

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 11/03/2021 06:56

The thing is, even if you got back together, it won't be like it was before. That's gone either way.

He hasn't told you the truth. That should be all you need to know.

Are you getting any help or support?

TheLost · 11/03/2021 07:05

Do you believe he didn’t sleep with the sex worker? Because he very definitely did and was planning to do so again.

Has he admitted that he slept with her? Personally I couldn’t even consider rekindling a relationship with someone who I knew had cheated but was refusing to admit it. It just shows that he either thinks you’re stupid enough to believe his lie or just not worthy of the truth.

I say this as a former sex worker who had lots of clients that were no shows but never had anyone turn up and then change their mind. A sex worker wouldn’t accept a second booking from someone who had bailed on the first meeting.

AgentJohnson · 11/03/2021 07:35

You can reconcile if you want but you do need to be realistic. There’s a huge difference between being sorry about being caught and being remorseful about his deception.

Your H sought out a prostitutie and lied about it, this is who he is and you can’t go back to not knowing that. He didn’t spontaneously morph into this person, he just a better liar than you ever imagined he could or would be.

Please get tested!!!

Even if you did reconcile you don’t have to stay reconciled if it doesn’t work for you. This is your life, you get to decide what you can can’t put up with.

Mundayblues · 11/03/2021 10:39

I understand trying, even just for peace of mind but I think you have to consider that no matter how much effort is put in from both sides, your relationship will very likely never, ever be the same again. How do you feel about that?

Outbutnotoutout · 11/03/2021 12:46

I could probably forgive an affair more than sleeping with a sex worker.

And I wouldn't forgive an affair 🤔

BarbieBrat · 11/03/2021 13:58

Former sex worker here. Forced not by choice.

The only people who ever came and didn’t have actual sex were actually single men. No married man ever changed his mind. He is lying and therefore cannot possibly be sincere.

aboutbloodytime123 · 11/03/2021 14:10

I found emails between exH and a sex worker while he was on a business trip. I had the same script... wouldn't have gone through with it, moment of madness etc. I tried to rebuild as we had tiny DC but I couldn't get over it. Also in my case it turned out to be the tip of a rather large iceberg in terms of other secret activities, gambling, porn etc. We had been married for a few years and I suddenly realised this man was a complete stranger to me.

Closetbeanmuncher · 11/03/2021 14:38

'Couldn't go through with it' is the stock excuse for men who've been caught using prostitutes OP. If you hadnt got proof of him going to them it would be that he was just looking because he was curious and hadn't actually gone there.

Your husband is a cheat and a liar, only you know whether that's acceptable for you but please don't be willingly blind to the person he is, and what he is capable of.

I strongly advise you secure your financial independence as a matter of upmost urgency. Do you have any trusted friends irl about you can talk to?

💐

okokok000 · 11/03/2021 14:55

Sorry op but it sounds like the life you're missing was a bit of a facade where your husband is concerned. He's treated you very poorly.

Loopyloututu2 · 11/03/2021 15:00

I’m sorry, I could never forgive this. He’s lying to you saying he didn’t do anything with her - of course he’s going to say that as how would you ever prove otherwise? He’s a liar and a cheat. You’ll never be able to trust him again and will always be wondering if he is where he says he is, who he’s with etc. That way madness lies IMO.

I would miss the life I had before too and I know it’s very hard but the truth is you can never have the life you had before because you now know what he’s capable of.

altmember · 11/03/2021 15:19

Didn't you post about this when it happened? wasn't there a very long thread about it, or am I thinking of someone else?

Anyway, it's totally down to you if you think you can forgive him and ever get the trust back. In my experience, even if you can forgive and move on, repairing the broken trust is much more difficult -it'll likely be a thorn in your side forever more.

We can all speculate whether he went through with it or not, or whether there is a whole lot more that he's not telling you, or still lying about. You can either choose to believe him, or assume he's still hiding stuff.

OldWomanSaysThis · 11/03/2021 15:27

I know a couple who stayed together (both now deceased), but they were both cheating and they had high net worth so they stayed together until death. They were happy. Their infidelity canceled each other out and they liked their lifestyle.

Faith50 · 11/03/2021 16:02

oldwomansaysthis
I had a revenge affair out of anger, feeling abandoned and like absolute shit after discovering his affairs. I stupidly thought it would even up the scoring board. I later realised that my husband cheated when there was nothing inherently wrong with our marriage. He admitted this. He cheated because he could. He created opportunities for cheating to occur whether he was over friendly, attentive, invested. There is no way all five women came onto him. I cannot get past this though I bloody tried. I cheated after feeling like I had been torn to pieces. I cheated because I knew my marriage was over - the vows were already broken so I did not value or consider them.

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