Continuing Marriage After an Affair

[spongebobscaredypants]

Has anyone done it successfully?

I found out my husband had contacted a prositute, he visited her, he denies he went through with anything but had arranged to go back.

I caught him he didn't fess up. He's totally remorseful and I think he's sincere that he won't do this again.

It's nearly 2 months down the line, he was kicked out the night I found out and isn't back home. With the passage l
Of time the crying has stopped and I'm not angry anymore. I'm hurt but I mainly just feel really sad about the loss of my family unit. I miss him so much, we've been together 15 years and have 2 primary age children.

I am half considering counselling with a view to attempting to try and forgive.

I guess I just want to hear about experiences, did anybody manage to move on from the betrayal, if so do you have trust again? Did anyone try and regret it? And for those that chose not to try again are you in a better place or do you regret not giving it a shot?

Guess that's my worry that I'll spend the rest of my life regretting not at least trying

@OldWomanSaysThis

I know a couple who stayed together (both now deceased), but they were both cheating and they had high net worth so they stayed together until death. They were happy. Their infidelity canceled each other out and they liked their lifestyle.

Well they had an open marriage and that is completely different.

I would miss the life I had before too and I know it’s very hard but the truth is you can never have the life you had before because you now know what he’s capable of

Yes, my Ex was not a cheat, but he a seriously defective human being.
When I finally was forced to face up to this by his increasingly extreme behaviour it was very painful. I had to grieve for the person I thought I knew and was in love with, whilst realising that person never existed. It was very hard. But you do get through it.

He's not the person you thought he is. You did not have the life you thought you had as it was a lie and sham.

Sorry, but another one here that doesn't believe he visited, didn't have sex but booked again.

@OldWomanSaysThis

I know a couple who stayed together (both now deceased), but they were both cheating and they had high net worth so they stayed together until death. They were happy. Their infidelity canceled each other out and they liked their lifestyle.

Were they French? The French do this all the time!

@londonscalling

I'd be interested to know how you found out about him visiting a prostitute as this could make a difference to whether you give it another try!

I found messages on his iPad to her

@TheLost

Do you believe he didn’t sleep with the sex worker? Because he very definitely did and was planning to do so again.

Has he admitted that he slept with her? Personally I couldn’t even consider rekindling a relationship with someone who I knew had cheated but was refusing to admit it. It just shows that he either thinks you’re stupid enough to believe his lie or just not worthy of the truth.

I say this as a former sex worker who had lots of clients that were no shows but never had anyone turn up and then change their mind. A sex worker wouldn’t accept a second booking from someone who had bailed on the first meeting.

No he said he went there, she then went in the bedroom to get ready and he "bottled it" he couldn't go through with it.

I went for a sexual health check last week and told him I was doing so, he said that honestly there's nothing to worry about, he swears on the kids life nothing happened and nothing will show up. It didn't

spongebob I’m sorry but there is no way she would’ve accepted a repeat booking if that was the case. I wouldn’t worry too much about the sexual health if you can help it - sex workers (ones that do it voluntarily and aren’t drug addicts at least, and I’d hope to God he would at least go to a woman he could safely assume was doing it voluntarily and vaguely sober) are fastidious about clients wearing condoms. It’s their health too.

Do you believe that he didn’t go through with it? What was his reasoning for booking to see her again? If he had ‘bottled it’ and she did accept another booking (incredibly unlikely) she would only do that if he had already paid at the time he ‘bottled it’. Also if he did decide not to go through with it, why go back to visit her specifically? Surely if you couldn’t do it last time there would be a reason. If you were absolutely determined to pay for sex you’d go to someone else to see if the situation was the same.

@Closetbeanmuncher

'Couldn't go through with it' is the stock excuse for men who've been caught using prostitutes OP. If you hadnt got proof of him going to them it would be that he was just looking because he was curious and hadn't actually gone there.

Your husband is a cheat and a liar, only you know whether that's acceptable for you but please don't be willingly blind to the person he is, and what he is capable of.

I strongly advise you secure your financial independence as a matter of upmost urgency. Do you have any trusted friends irl about you can talk to?

💐

I'm so so lucky that I have great friends around me. A lot of very strong women who have told me to kick him to the kerb.

My problem with it all is looking at our children, without them there wouldn't even be a decision to make, it would be over. It's the loss of family holidays, the long Sunday walks together, the mutual love of our children, ie little smirks to ourselves when they do something silly or the compassion when they are misbehaving etc. The thought of another woman being in there lives almost sends me under. Financial implications I must admit are a factor, I am the bread winner but due to covid I haven't worked for the best part of a year and would be unable to take over the mortgage just yet.

She also wouldn’t leave him alone in wherever she was working from. She would be ready when she opened the door, would take the money, probably take it quickly to another room to check it’s all there and hide it and be back within less than a minute. She wouldn’t leave someone, particularly a client she was meeting for the first time, alone and then get ready after he was there. Clients pay for the time, they wouldn’t be happy if they arrived then you pissed off for 10 minutes to ‘get ready’!

@altmember

Didn't you post about this when it happened? wasn't there a very long thread about it, or am I thinking of someone else?

Anyway, it's totally down to you if you think you can forgive him and ever get the trust back. In my experience, even if you can forgive and move on, repairing the broken trust is much more difficult -it'll likely be a thorn in your side forever more.

We can all speculate whether he went through with it or not, or whether there is a whole lot more that he's not telling you, or still lying about. You can either choose to believe him, or assume he's still hiding stuff.

I did :( I was furious and devastated, you lot were a tonic in those first few days but then all been quiet for last 7 weeks as the drama has settled

I’m sorry spongebob, it’s a bloody awful situation. Only you can decide whether he’s worth it or not. If you truly think you can put it behind you then all you can do is try. If one of the main reasons you want to stay together is because you hate the idea of him with someone it will just eat away at you.

Honestly, don't stay together for the children. My parents did and it's really screwed me snd my siblings up.

Oh SpongeBob all I those lovely activities with the children don't have to stop, it would be the beginning of a new chapter...

I made the mistake of staying with DCs dad for much longer than I should have to not break up the unit, but the happiest times of my life (particularly involving DC) have been as a single mum.

I can tell you want to give it another go but there is no hope of resolution, closure or forgiveness until he comes clean and admits he slept with her. The stories he's giving you are frankly insulting to your intelligence.

Your children will never love you any less with the presence of a step parent, you're their mum and nobody could ever take that place.

What makes you think he’s ‘sincere’ when he says he wouldn’t do it again? You never thought he would do it once until you found the messages on the iPad.

Spongebob, I recall your previous thread. In my opinion, he is not a safe bet for reconciliation. Not only is he still lying, but your values are incompatible.

Your H clearly objectifies women and feels entitled to purchase their bodies. Can you reconcile this core belief with your personal values and those you want to pass on to your children?

He did a lot of planning for his infidelity. He selected, bought and posted lingerie for the sex worker to wear for his gratification, which she did. That in itself was an act of infidelity. I would assume that there was some physical involvement since he made plans to return. He has blamed his punter behavior on prostitutes’ pop-up ads during his recent porn addiction. That excuse really doesn’t cut it, does it?

He became quite manipulative after you rumbled him. First, swearing on the children’s lives is part of the cheater’s script. He has also used crocodile tears, anger, and threatening suicide (which you handled well by alerting police).

You are considering counseling, but what has he done to show remorse and work on himself? Has he sought individual counseling to examine his character flaws that enabled him to betray you and pursue sex workers? Is he reading books or online infidelity forums?

You’ve mentioned that prior to his betrayal you were unhappy, as he was an inconsiderate spouse who took you for granted. Has this behavior been addressed?

I am getting a sense of a selfish man whose has an embedded disrespect for all women, including you. You must decide if you can respect or trust him moving forward, and if this is the relationship blueprint you want to model for your children.

@OldWomanSaysThis

I know a couple who stayed together (both now deceased), but they were both cheating and they had high net worth so they stayed together until death. They were happy. Their infidelity canceled each other out and they liked their lifestyle.

Was it the Duke and Duchess of Windsor

Oh op
Just the title of the post

Continuing AFTER an affair

No

The trust has gone and you deserve better - please be kind to yourself

@Faith50

oldwomansaysthis I had a revenge affair out of anger, feeling abandoned and like absolute shit after discovering his affairs. I stupidly thought it would even up the scoring board. I later realised that my husband cheated when there was nothing inherently wrong with our marriage. He admitted this. He cheated because he could. He created opportunities for cheating to occur whether he was over friendly, attentive, invested. There is no way all five women came onto him. I cannot get past this though I bloody tried. I cheated after feeling like I had been torn to pieces. I cheated because I knew my marriage was over - the vows were already broken so I did not value or consider them.

"The vows were already broken so I didn't value them" Wow that's profound and truly speaks to my heart. I don't want to be in a tainted broken marriage

@TheLost

spongebob I’m sorry but there is no way she would’ve accepted a repeat booking if that was the case. I wouldn’t worry too much about the sexual health if you can help it - sex workers (ones that do it voluntarily and aren’t drug addicts at least, and I’d hope to God he would at least go to a woman he could safely assume was doing it voluntarily and vaguely sober) are fastidious about clients wearing condoms. It’s their health too.

Do you believe that he didn’t go through with it? What was his reasoning for booking to see her again? If he had ‘bottled it’ and she did accept another booking (incredibly unlikely) she would only do that if he had already paid at the time he ‘bottled it’. Also if he did decide not to go through with it, why go back to visit her specifically? Surely if you couldn’t do it last time there would be a reason. If you were absolutely determined to pay for sex you’d go to someone else to see if the situation was the same.

Sorry just for specifics, he paid her a £30 deposit. When arrived her gave her the £70 owed. (It was £100). She then went to get ready. As she came out of bedroom, he should up and said he had to go, she said wel you've already paid? I'm he said he didn't matter about the money and left. He said he booked again as it was mainly about the texts / thrill for him he wasn't going to go through with it?? I don't believe he wasn't going to to go through with it second time. He swore on our kids life he didn't do it first time... I don't know.

@MsDogLady

Spongebob, I recall your previous thread. In my opinion, he is not a safe bet for reconciliation. Not only is he still lying, but your values are incompatible.

Your H clearly objectifies women and feels entitled to purchase their bodies. Can you reconcile this core belief with your personal values and those you want to pass on to your children?

He did a lot of planning for his infidelity. He selected, bought and posted lingerie for the sex worker to wear for his gratification, which she did. That in itself was an act of infidelity. I would assume that there was some physical involvement since he made plans to return. He has blamed his punter behavior on prostitutes’ pop-up ads during his recent porn addiction. That excuse really doesn’t cut it, does it?

He became quite manipulative after you rumbled him. First, swearing on the children’s lives is part of the cheater’s script. He has also used crocodile tears, anger, and threatening suicide (which you handled well by alerting police).

You are considering counseling, but what has he done to show remorse and work on himself? Has he sought individual counseling to examine his character flaws that enabled him to betray you and pursue sex workers? Is he reading books or online infidelity forums?

You’ve mentioned that prior to his betrayal you were unhappy, as he was an inconsiderate spouse who took you for granted. Has this behavior been addressed?

I am getting a sense of a selfish man whose has an embedded disrespect for all women, including you. You must decide if you can respect or trust him moving forward, and if this is the relationship blueprint you want to model for your children.

Thank you xxx

Just to say that in my experience, swearing on the life of the kids is a sure sign they are lying. My ex swore on their lives he wasn't having an affair. He was. I've seen the same pattern countless times on here.

Spongebob I think it's really natural and normal to grieve the end of a relationship. I know I did, and my relationship was abusive too. Just try to remember that you are grieving the best bits... The times you laughed together, co-parented, bonded as a couple. However lovely they were, they don't negate the times you worried about how he would react, the times he refused to co-parent and left you carrying the load alone, the times he was uncaring, disrespectful, unloving. Mourn the good times but don't lose sight of the overall state the relationship was in. You deserved better.

Men who pay prostitutes for sex have zero respect for women. They believe they are commodities and access to them can be paid for, that that is justified. He has no way of knowing whether a prostitute is coerced by a pimp, trafficked, threatened, suffering with addiction issues etc and yet he was willing to take the risk she ticks one or all of those boxes so he could pay to shag her. Him wanting to shag someone outside of your marriage was more important to him than potentially (and more likely than not) facilitating one of those things.

He is absolutely vile.

He doesn't respect women. He definitely doesn't respect you.

I couldn't even look at him much less stay with him.

If you knew he used prostitutes when you first met, would you have stayed with him? That's who he is now. Your marriage to the man you thought he was is already over. You now need to decide if you want a marriage to someone who you know for a fact has paid to have sex with at least one prostitute, is a cheat and is capable of lying including swearing on his children's lives. Do you want to be married to that man? Again, that is who he is. That's literally him.

I so understand what you are saying about trying to continue with the relationship and especially for the children and the nice life you have etc. When my children were very young I found out my husband had Googled prostitutes in a town where he was due to be working. Why he would do this if he had no intention I don't know. I lived with this knowledge for many years. Later on, when the children were 9 and 12, I found about he was having an affair. He told me it was an old friend he was meeting up with and he was helping her out with marriage problems she was having. Men always don't tell the whole story. I told him that what he was doing (behind my back) was unacceptable. I got told I was unreasonable. I stayed with him for the sake of my children, the nice life we had, the home we shared, the holidays, etc (all those things you mention) but I was hurting inside all the time. I never trusted him. I was constantly looking for more evidence of an affair. Eventually I found it - he'd continued with is affair (it was full blown) despite saying he wouldn't. I didn't let on I knew for a while while I sorted out my finances and got my head together and eventually asked him to leave and we had to sell the marital home. I cried for many months afterwards and made mistakes of my own due to the turmoil I was in. I felt guilty for the upheaval my children had had. But to stay living with him was also cutting me up. To be honest, since my first discovery we had never had a honest and trusting marriage and I regret that so much.

What amazing bad luck that he got caught out the very first time he visited a prostitute because he clearly had never ever done anything like this before...totally out of character...would never hurt his family...

OP give your head a wobble. He actively sought sex outside your marriage. This isn’t a one off drunken fumble at the Christmas party. He had to search, find, make an appointment, get cash out, drive to the venue. I would put money on this not being an isolated incident. It’s too convenient - I’d put money on this not being an isolated event.

You say what makes me you think of staying with him is the children (walks and holidays, shared smirks at funny little moments etc.)

You need to cast your mind a few years forward to when the DC have left the home - off to uni and spreading their wings. Do you want to be stuck at home with a cheater having lost the best years of your life?

This 'primary school aged kids' phase is so short really, think of yourself longer term.

He has most certainly slept with the prostitute and was planning to again. Please don't be naive (the 'bottled it' narrative is the one they ALL use!) he is still lying to you, after all the Iain he's caused you, he's the type of man to buy woman for sex. He's really not a nice person and has no respect for you.

@everyonebutme

I so understand what you are saying about trying to continue with the relationship and especially for the children and the nice life you have etc. When my children were very young I found out my husband had Googled prostitutes in a town where he was due to be working. Why he would do this if he had no intention I don't know. I lived with this knowledge for many years. Later on, when the children were 9 and 12, I found about he was having an affair. He told me it was an old friend he was meeting up with and he was helping her out with marriage problems she was having. Men always don't tell the whole story. I told him that what he was doing (behind my back) was unacceptable. I got told I was unreasonable. I stayed with him for the sake of my children, the nice life we had, the home we shared, the holidays, etc (all those things you mention) but I was hurting inside all the time. I never trusted him. I was constantly looking for more evidence of an affair. Eventually I found it - he'd continued with is affair (it was full blown) despite saying he wouldn't. I didn't let on I knew for a while while I sorted out my finances and got my head together and eventually asked him to leave and we had to sell the marital home. I cried for many months afterwards and made mistakes of my own due to the turmoil I was in. I felt guilty for the upheaval my children had had. But to stay living with him was also cutting me up. To be honest, since my first discovery we had never had a honest and trusting marriage and I regret that so much.

Aw love I can't understand that. You know last week we had to deal with a bereavement together he stayed in the house for a few days as we were both really floored with grief. Even with him being remorseful and walking around on egg shells, every time he looked at his phone my stomach knotted. One night I woke up in the middle of the night for a wee and he had gone, I totally lost it, left the house searching for him leaving my kids alone. It was just a taster of what was to come. I told him after that he couldn't stay again.

Under normal circumstances I think I'd be ok, I'd be out all the time, I'd probably have some sort of male distraction, I'd be at the gym and at work. Think it's the house arrest thing that's getting to me.