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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What was your 'enough is enough' moment?

117 replies

mae2014 · 10/03/2021 13:52

Hey,

Really struggling at the moment to bite the bullet and walk away from my relationship. I don't want to but I know I need to..

What was your moment in your relationship when you just said enough is enough? I've been hoping and praying for an infamous 'one day i just woke up' but starting to feel like that never happens :(

And if so, are you glad you did? Did it take you long to heal?

xxx

OP posts:
Peace43 · 10/03/2021 13:58

Sitting at the dinner table in silence. He’d got grumpy earlier in the day and yelled at the dog. I told DD to eat her veg and he did a big passive aggressive sigh.....

The damn burst and I said: I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m miserable, you are miserable. I think you should leave.

He got up and walked out. He reappeared 15 minutes later with a bag just as I was clearing the table and said he’d take the caravan and he’d be back in the morning to take DD to school.

He left and I was totally totally numb. Not sad, not happy, just empty. It took a week and a good cry to my parents to be able to breath. Once I could breath the relief came. All the little stuff I had been doing just to fit in with him and his needs could stop. It was intense.

Divorced now, 2.5 years on. Still think it was the best thing ever. We get on ok. We are good co-parents and perfectly amicable. Dinners in my house are no longer moody miserable affairs. 😁

DragonWillow · 10/03/2021 14:03

feel for you OP, i'm feeling pretty similar myself. Some days are great but other days, like today, i'm on eggshells - I don't know how long I can do this for but also don't want to make a mistake by leaving

Wurrg · 10/03/2021 14:07

He wouldn't let me sit on my own couch.

He was an utterly horrible emotionally abusive prick.

7 years on I have a new partner, me and my son are doing brilliantly, there are much better ways to spend your life than walking on eggshells.

mae2014 · 10/03/2021 14:08

@Peace43 That must have taken so much courage. Glad to hear that things are much better for you! Did he ever come running back or try and change your mind?

OP posts:
Ninibest · 10/03/2021 14:08

At moment I decided too that is enough! 20 years of him doing things behind my back, I listened his lies against my family, now I will get back to my relationship with my families. At this time I am in a point that I don't care about what he says or think, all this years was only obout him. Enough is enough

mae2014 · 10/03/2021 14:09

@Wurrg its so difficult. Especially when they keep promising things will get better but then make no effort to improve and wonder why you get frustrated! :(

OP posts:
mae2014 · 10/03/2021 14:10

@Ninibest Did you just feel it come out of nowhere or had you been preparing yourself to walk away for a while?

OP posts:
seensome · 10/03/2021 14:17

I didn't live with him but he came over to visit me after quitting his job and would just lie on my bed gaming all week not looking for a job and going out to buy and smoke weed, that's when I though enough is enough I cannot have a serious future with him, there had been months of him criticising and not giving me much attention, I put up with all that just because I fancied him but it was going no where happy.
I didn't want to end either and he was so nice at first but it was just a false mask he was wearing.

harknesswitch · 10/03/2021 14:19

My 1st husband was an abusive prick, emotionally, financially and sexually, my 'I'm leaving moment' was when he had a massive go at me for using the wrong ring on the cooker to boil some potatoes Grin . I turned it off, walked away, packed a bag and told him I was leaving, he said to me 'if you walk out that door don't bother coming back' so I said 'ok' and walked out.

LizzieMacQueen · 10/03/2021 14:21

An old boyfriend --- when he pulled my hair out in an argument 😟. Game over.

ZombeaArthur · 10/03/2021 14:25

Mine’s not quite the same, as he ended things. However, we’d been together for seven years and every so often he’d decide that he wanted to be single, so would either start looking for someone else while we were together or blow up massively about absolutely nothing. I couldn’t let him go, so I’d wait around for him to come back, which he always did, full of apologies and promises which I’d fall for.

The final time however, we had plans to have dinner. I was on a course, on the other side of the city when he sent me a message cancelling. An emergency meeting apparently. As I thought I was eating out, I had nothing in for dinner so had to stop on my way home at the supermarket. On my way there I bumped into him, going to play pool with a friend. After years of lies and broken plans, I wasn’t surprised and I didn’t really react. Just said hello and went on my way.

The next morning I was sat in a training room when he sent me a message ending things (again) as I’d been unspeakably rude to him when I caught him standing me up. Apparently I should have fallen all over him, pretending he hadn’t lied to me and wasn’t in the process of standing me up. His message ended with him telling me never to contact him again.

After seven years, something in me just snapped. I don’t know why, after all of the horrible things he’d done, the lies, the cheating, packing up my belongings and shipping them to my Mother when we lived together, that message was the final straw.

As expected, a couple of months later he came crawling back with the usual apologies but this time I was done.

Yumyumdindins · 10/03/2021 14:26

When I came home from work having not seen my ex for a couple of days (on opposite shifts) and I called that I was home as I walked into the lounge and he just was sat staring at the TV and didn't acknowledge me at all. We hadn't had an argument or anything, he just didn't give a shit about me.

I left shortly after

oohyoudevilyou · 10/03/2021 14:28

On holiday just the two of us in a beautiful tropical paradise, and I just wanted to be back at work (at an industrial laundry, ffs) so I'd be away from him.

Whatisthisfuckery · 10/03/2021 14:30

We were together 7 years but didn’t live together, we would see each other at weekends. My end of the road moment was one friday evening after she arrived, just feeling utterly desolate and wondering how I could possibly continue in the relationship. I had been in a great mood beforehand, I’d even gone outside to wait for her to arrive, but as soon as we got in I just crumbled. I knew it wasn’t fair on either of us to carry on.

Wurrg · 10/03/2021 14:30

@mae2014 What sort of things are happening?

If you're not happy, there doesn't need to be a big moment or a specific incident to say this is enough. Says me, who kept waiting for the big incident when in the end it was a tiny thing (in the scheme of things) which made me think nope!!!

Ninibest · 10/03/2021 14:34

I have been forgiving him for all this years and believed him when he mistreat my family included my mum, I was not talking to my sister for more than 4 years because of him now that me and my sister are talking again I decided that he will not come between me and my family again

EatTheMince · 10/03/2021 14:36

We had been on and off for about a year, he would get in a strop and dump me about once a month and sulk for a week then get back together.

The final straw was when he got ill whilst staying with me, he kept kissing me despite me asking him not too. I looked after him all weekend and he promised me that he would return the favour if I got ill.

Needless to say he gave me covid and swanned off home leaving me to look after 3 kids alone. Not so much as a phone call despite him being recovered whilst I was at my worst point.

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 10/03/2021 14:38

It's often the tiny thing though. For me it was him shouting at me for wearing my shoes in the house. My house. No-one shouts at me in my house any more Grin

mae2014 · 10/03/2021 14:39

@Wurrg I moved over to Ireland for him so that it made life easier for him being here for his daughter rather than moving to UK
Ever since I moved its been so difficult, happend just before lock down and hes a carpenter so works long days and some weekends which I found quite hard.
But im just expected to keep myself occupied (which i can do) but sometimes i really just resent him for what I gave up to move here and it never feels like he appreciates it.

In a rage last night he told me he 'doesnt love me as much as he used to because I wreck his head' but he's the one who is such hard work. Very verbally abusive when hes angry and gaslights me a fair bit.
Today he's now saying 'Lets see how we get on but improvements have to be made'. Yet im the one who keeps saying we need a nice date night and we need to communicate better. He hates talking about things and would rather a date night be us having dinner, him on his phone and us watching tv! I want some laughs and us to just enjoy each other! Im 24 and hes 28 and I get along so perfectly with his daughter but I never feel enough.
I I just feel like at what point will enough be enough that i walk away. I feel so weak!

OP posts:
fedup078 · 10/03/2021 14:40

Drinking in the morning - everyone does it, right? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4185558-drinking-in-the-morning-everyone-does-it-right

This something inside me just snapped on Sunday morning and I knew instantly that it was over

mae2014 · 10/03/2021 14:41

@fedup078 What was his reaction like?

OP posts:
fedup078 · 10/03/2021 14:44

Initially it was just me looking for a fight , denial , anger and so on
Now he knows I'm serious and is making moves to leave . Can't come quickly enough

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 10/03/2021 14:46

Wasn't a marriage but I remember trying to get ready in the morning for work and looking at myself in the mirror and just being dead inside. I realised it was no way to live and there was no way to fix some of the things he had done. Glossing over them was just for the short term till I could get my shit together and leave.

JorisBonson · 10/03/2021 14:48

Waiting for him in the pub near our house when I'd finished work (he didn't work), having a bit of a people watch.

The girl I knew he was shagging, but he had gaslighted me into thinking I was mad, came strolling past from the direction of our house, closely followed by him, looking literally shagged out. They had been at it in my bed all day while I was at work.

I moved out the next day.

Wurrg · 10/03/2021 14:49

You're not weak at all, you're ground down.

He sounds horrible.

You're 24, honestly don't waste any more of your precious time with him!