What was your 'enough is enough' moment?

[mae2014]

Hey,

Really struggling at the moment to bite the bullet and walk away from my relationship. I don't want to but I know I need to..

What was your moment in your relationship when you just said enough is enough? I've been hoping and praying for an infamous 'one day i just woke up' but starting to feel like that never happens :(

And if so, are you glad you did? Did it take you long to heal?

xxx

Monday evening. He has consistently stood me up, ghosted, refused to commit to plans and made false promises about all the amazing things we're going to do. It's all BS. He'd struggle to follow through on the loo.

He gave me his word we'd go away for a weekend post lockdown, (I was paying) but reneged when I tried to actually book it. God knows why I believed him. Last straw was Monday evening, when I told him about a better than expected work bonus and asked if we could at least go out to dinner (me paying) to celebrate post lockdown......he can't.

So I made a derisory comment about his last 'performance' which 100% guarantees I'll never hear from him again. It was true though

I'd never had a good relationship when I was young and spent most of my 20s in a really shitty one. So many occasions that we nearly split, but I bought into this whole idea that relationships take work and that maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough. I eventually left when I realised that he wasn't ever going to fix his temper and every outburst was getting more violent. I spent most of my time daydreaming about being single. The incident that tipped me over the edge was actually pretty inconsequential, considering he'd broken my wrist, and tried to strangle me on other occasions. he shouted at me in the middle of the pub, calling me a frigid bitch, because I had a terrible headache and wanted to go home to lie down. I'd just finished a 60 hour week at work and was shattered - he'd spent the entire week propping up the bar spending our rent money - he hadn't contributed financially in months. I walked home in tears, packed up my car and left. He phoned me the next day to ask what time I'd be home to make him dinner, no word of an apology, just acting like I was being silly and of course I was coming home. Once I'd actually left, I just felt such a wave of relief not to be tiptoeing around him anymore. I still missed him and felt lonely at times, but honestly it was the best thing I ever did hands down. You don't have to wait for a sign though, you can just ask yourself if he's kind and respectful in the way he treats you. That's the bar right there - if he doesn't meet it, fuck him off.

It isn't asking too much to be treated with respect- I've been with now-DH for coming up a decade. Not once has he ever shouted or sworn at me. He regularly makes me dinner, or runs me a bath if I'm tired. He went to the sorting office at 11pm last night to post a card for mother's day, because I was worried it might not get there by the weekend, even though he was sure it'd be fine if I posted it today. He's just nice to me - I so wish everyone could feel what it's like to be in a good relationship, because it would be so much easier to identify and walk away from the shitty ones.

@curiouslypacific

Your husband sounds lovely. I agree. If he's not sweet and kind to you then leave. It was the best decision I made too. I also thought that you needed to struggle to make a relationship work. I wish I'd left sooner but it doesn't matter. I have my husband now and he's the nicest man I've ever known. I'm safe now.

When he fucked my best mate and they both lied about it.

He’d been shagging another lass behind my back for months but gaslighted me into thinking I was mad
I almost had a breakdown over it
The final straw was when he rang me,admitted to using me to cheat on her and was gloating about it
I put the phone down,pulled my big girl knickers up and cut all contact with him
I met my partner 3 months later
I do admit to seeing them together about a year later and being so satisfied by seeing now miserable they where together
As far as I know they are still together and they deserve each other-I don’t really care
My only regret is I wasted 4 years on a bloke who had bigger tits than I do

Abusive ex, my confidence was so worn down that i thought I deserved all the put downs, beatings etc. I had just got in from work and he pinned me against the wall as he had many times before. But this time our cat was in the room and was scared by his shouting. She was trying to escape to another room but had to go past him and wouldn’t. Poor thing was terrified and that pissed me off more than the way he treated me. She didn’t deserve that and took me a long time after to realise neither did I. Later that evening I snuck out and took nothing buy my keys, purse and the cat. Friend took us in and I never looked back. Amazing that it took for him to scare my cat for me to realise what a nasty bastard he was. But I’m autistic and was suffering terrible ptsd/ denial and was very vulnerable at that time. He was older than me and I was a very naive 18 year old when we met

Sorry that was meant to say that he wouldn’t move to let the cat past when I asked him too. That’s what made me cross

First real relationship - when I should have gone (but where? I had no skills and there was a recession on particularly in Devon) - it was February and it was snowing. My partner of a few months living together came home from work waving the gas bill and said roguishly, now I think you'd better come clean - after I leave in the morning, are you turning the heating back on? He honestly thought I would sit there in my mittens till the big guy came home and that that was good enough. He chucked me out a few months later for general bad behaviour fair enough I was pretty outrageous and I wouldn't have wanted to live with me either but I should have realised at the beginning something was wrong with regard to that heating fandango. That and being asked to take his suit to the cleaners to get off the wank stains following a porn watching session while I was away one weekend. And I did. And I collected it.

Current Mr Soupover would never treat me like that. He's a dude.

He called me an ignorant bitch. I left.

Being told I was having a secret affair with a man I stopped to say hello to, that I've not seen for months...one of hundred of vile paranoid interrogations that for some reason I excused. Until I didnt.

When he swore on the kids lives he was telling the truth

His wife came home and wondered why the "babysitter" had made her husband a fancy supper and lit candles while their son slept in the next room. That was pretty much the end of it for us.

Had been dating for 18 months. He had moved back into his family home with his mum, after a marriage break up 6 months before we met. He shared custody 50/50 with his ex so had his son 4 nights a week then 3 the next. I had "met" his mum quite a few times when I picked him up (quick wave and a "hello, im stoneage"). We mostly went to my house though (as he lived with his mum). He stayed overnight with me at least once a week and we met other nights after work for dates. I had met him through his child's toddler class where I was an instructor. He asked me out, I declined and then when his son outgrew my class and moved up a grade he asked again and I accepted. After 18 months together he told me that he would not longer be able to attend his Wednesday night amateur football team as his mums shift patterns changed and she now worked Wednesday nights (9pm match, child was in bed). Not wanting him to miss it, I offered to do it. So every other week he would put his son to bed, I would turn up and he would leave at 8.30pm. Child never woke up. I would have my dinner then sit and do work on my laptop or read. He would return at 11pm and I would go home ready for work in the morning. One week, around Valentines Day, I decided to push the boat out and made us a late supper. Complete with candles. In walks his wife. Home early from work. Turns out he lived with his wife who he was very much still married to. He was pretty much free to do as he pleased 6pm - 6am 4 nights a week as wife was working and mum could babysit. He told his mum he was out with clients for work and then staying closer to the office with a friend when he stayed over at mine. His mum thought I was a colleague of his from our brief meetings and his wife knew that one of the staff from her sons toddler group (that he attended on a saturday morning while she slept off her night shift) also did paid childminding so I had agreed to cover the Wednesday evenings she worked and he wanted to go out.

I wish I had stayed to confront him with her but I left as I was hurt, ashamed and generally mortified. He blocked me on everything later that night and I received a message from his wife the next week basically accusing me of being a bunny boiler and a babysitter that had made a relationship up in my head and tried to seduce her husband after his football match!! This was despite me showing her photographs of us together (on days out) and giving detailed accounts of times/dates he stayed at mine etc that must have matched him being away for the night. And me knowing about their family, his friends and recent work trips he had been on. She threatened to report me to my work. This was fine by me as the child was no longer in my class and they all knew "DP", the situation and knew he had pursued me and said he was a single dad. Some had even met him on nights out. She never reported me. She then blocked me.

Towards the end finding a host of messages on her Facebook to an old ex from 20 years ago. Discussing intimate details of our 4 years together. Also details of dates with a guy from work. All a bit sordid & seedy! So glad I checked out as I met someone beautiful inside & out.

@stoneagetitan

What!? The scum bag!! More fool his wife for believing him 🙄

[quote VouisLuitton]@stoneagetitan

What!? The scum bag!! More fool his wife for believing him 🙄[/quote]
I believe they moved away and had a second child soon after (he actually told me during our relationship that one of the main reasons they "split" was because she wanted more children and he didnt. I can only assume, looking back, he was letting me know he didnt want kids with me!)

@stoneagetitan

I hope you have found a decent human being since then and are happy and enjoying life...
Can’t believe some of these posts I am reading

It was the day I got a threatening message from my finances. ........ fiance, saying how she was going to "Kick my head in for shagging her fiance"

I wasn't really surprised, caught him cheating before, fuck knows why I put up with it, but I'd never been the other woman (even though I wasn't ) before.

After a conversation with her where she got set straight, I just blocked him there and then.
She contacted me a week later because he was threatening suicide since she'd confronted him - I was no stranger to that either, he did that every time he got caught out. I blocked her too.
Don't know why it was that particular time, it just was. I think you'll find your point one day, it'll just click in your head and you'll know you're done.
I didn't ever regret doing it, it didn't take me any time to get over the 'loss' in that way, it took me about 2 years to get over the things he did in the relationship though, to keep realising the intent behind this conversation or that action and not feeling stupid and embarrassed by falling for it (I don't think I should have felt like that, I just did iyswim) -was a 3 year relationship.

I just wasn't interested in anyone in that way until one day it hit me in the face and I just 'woke up' and realised I fancied someone again, that was a great feeling even though it went nowhere, it was at that point I considered myself over him.

When I realised he expected me to sort out the fallout from his affair.

I find it sad how many of us wait for something definitely bad to happen before we call it quits. I wish I'd quit when I realised it just wasn't good enough for me.

When he went through the till receipt and crossed off everything he didn’t eat or drink and told me he would pay half for everything else. Crossed off items included biscuits, bread, cereal...

I didn't leave until a few months afterwards, but we were on holiday and he was being an aggressive inconsiderate knob. As usual. I remember going up to the roof terrace and thinking how beautiful the view was, and how I wished I could take my daughter there alone.

I left four months later, but knew I would from that moment on. I became so much happier! I had been having health problems and they just went (I suppose it was the stress and anxiety). I loved my new flat even though I had no bed and only basic furniture. Nobody being rude to me in my own home, nobody ignoring me or shouting at me.

I look back on that time as the best in my life.

OP - you are 24. You have most of your life ahead of you.

You do not have to stay with someone because you like his kid - she's his kid, and she won't be helped by you hanging around for a few more years and then deciding enough is enough.

You do not have to stay because you made the decision to move. We all make decisions in life that don't turn out for the best, and we all have the right to decide to do something else if we want to, or if it's best for us.

You do not have to stay because (as far as you've said) he's not cheated on you or hit you or done something 'bad enough to leave for'.

You do not have to stay because 'you want to work things out' and 'all relationships are tough'.

You do not have to stay at all.

Choose what you want to do. Remember that you cannot change or control anyone else. Think about what actions you can take to make you happy, and take them. You owe it to your future self to do it.

Good luck.

When I gave someone my phone number in a nightclub.Ended it the next day

When the solicitor told me that I and the kids were in imminent danger and organised me a refuge place for that night - I’d dropped lucky as the randomly booked solicitor worked pro Bono for women’s aid. I’d been told previously that if I wanted divorce then write down 10 things that were unreasonable to take in - 12 months later I did. Best night’s sleep ever in that refuge sharing a bed with 2 small kids and the room with another family and the house with 7 families - sometimes it takes a stranger. That was 32 years ago now nearly.
Less dramatically my FWB I just realised that whilst I was getting ready imagining a nice evening with chat, alcohol, food the reality was more like lecture, shop to fetch (usually pay) for alcohol and a take out he wanted - followed by listening to his opinions in the cold light of day a further couple of hours until I could leave. So, could I really be bothered to drive 30 minutes for that - umm no 🤦🏻‍♀️ Kept it up too long in the first place as convenient in a lot of ways.

@Charlottejade89

I'm in the same situation myself atm. My partner and I have been in a bad place since we argued back in September (can't even remember what about now!) and he went to stay at his mates for 3 nights. He took my engagement ring and I haven't had it back in all this time. And he also now goes to his mates to drink at least twice a week and doesn't come home. He doesn't tell me, he just becomes uncontactable when I message asking him where he is. He lies and says he has no phone signal but actually he's turned his phone off. He's given me every excuse in the book as to why he couldn't just tell me he wasn't coming home. Now he's doesn't even bother with an excuse or apology. I told him I'm sick of being left took after a toddler and baby by myself several nights a week as well as all day when he's at work and he had to chose between his family and his loser friends. He said "I'm nuts" for even giving him the ultimatum so I told him to go fuck himself coz I'm not putting up with it. He left me with a 2 year old and 1 week old baby alone on new years eve so he could drink at his friends. I should have thrown him out then but it's a hard situation when you've got 2 young children, like I don't think j want to be with him any more but I also don't want to be a single mum

This sounds like my ex. Always out with his mates, telling me I was nuts. Left me alone with 2 children. I eventually plucked up the courage to end it and he couldn't understand why I wanted to. It was hard with two little ones alone but much as I was upset about our relationship ending there was also overwhelming relief that I no longer had to live with such uncertainty. I've flourished since he's gone.

So so SO glad I did!

By the time I was posting about it on Mumsnet, i already knew it was over and just needed reassurance and support! Perhaps the same is applicable to you OP?