Honest Thoughts and Opinions Needed

[DaddySaint]

Hello Everyone

I would appreciate your honest advice and opinions and I’m ready for any criticism that comes my way

This could be a long post so I apologise in advance if it rambles on a bit

I’m a 40 something man, been extremely happily married for 21 years and have a wonderful wife and 2 fantastic teenage daughters

However over the last few weeks I’ve noticed that my wife has become increasingly attached to a male work colleague. He doesn’t work in her department but their paths do cross at work on occasion

Over the past couple of weekends I’ve noticed an increase in the amount of Facebook messages they are sending to each other

2 weekends ago she was open with me and has told me some of the messages from him were a bit flirty but she’s told him (and me) she’s a happily married woman no problem

She said I could read the messages if I wanted to but admitted that some had been deleted and she’s put boundaries in place

I declined her offer, but I’ll admit I had already crossed a line myself and had a look before the messages had been deleted because of my suspicions and fears

During last week the messages continued to be sent all through the day and into the night, then last Saturday, she asked how I would feel about her meeting him alone for a walk

The guy is single and at least 10-15 years younger than us

I was devastated, but said it was her decision I can’t control her or what she wants to do but wasn’t happy about it to me that’s entering into a whole new relationship dynamic

Sunday morning we had the most fantastic sex which is unusual especially considering it was the 3rd time that week we’d made love, usually it’s once a month

Then later that morning she starts to get her make up on and when I ask why she says I told you I’m meeting him later

She never told me she was planning to go out only if I minded if she did, I reiterated my point a only being happy about it.

I knew they were messaging all day, I relented and told her to go but I got a call to take my brother to hospital as he’s extremely poorly with leukaemia (second time in a week that I got the call) so she didn’t go

I could see before I got that call she was really undecided on what to do

She says she loves me, no one can break what we have and nothing is going on

But the constant messages, keeping her phone with her and today taking her iPad to work (she never does that) are all red flags

I’m scared stiff of tackling this as I love her and am so scared of losing her and my kids

Am I over reacting

I asked how she would feel if roles were reversed and she says she does take that into consideration

I’ve never had any reason to doubt her before and I feel guilty and ashamed for thinking she’d do anything wrong

Do I just wait and see how things pan out, do I confront her again, I’m so confused

It’s the only thing I think about

I’ve no one I can talk to about it so reaching out for any advice

Thanks for reading all of this if you’ve got this far

You’re potentially being too permissive.

In trying to keep your cool and act not jealous you are almost letting it happen right in front of you 🤷‍♀️

She will later say that you knew and never complained x

I would stop being the "cool husband" if I were you because your wife is definitely crossing a line, and her relationship with this man is completely inappropriate. She is playing with fire, and I think both of you know it. Red flags are all over the place, so I huge conversation is in order.

When I tried to approach this with her over the weekend she just denied anything was wrong and didn’t want to discuss it

I told her I was jealous and insecure but I feel with good reason

Said she didn’t want it to come between us but for me it already has started to even though I’m trying to pretend to her it hasn’t

We hardly ever argue as I thought we had a mutual respect for each other
Yes we’ve had differences and rows now and then but it’s not a volatile relationship

I’m out of my depth in knowing how to deal with this

I’m the gullible husband who thought it would never happen to me

What’s more surprising is that she knows how it feels to be let down by a partner as her ex had an affair with her sister before we met

I just want things back to what I thought was our rock solid marriage

She said he had crossed some boundaries, but she's crossed them with you - all the messaging and wanting to meet him. Just because she's told you about him, doesn't make it innocent.
I think you need a serious chat with her and tell her it's not appropriate, you are not comfortable with it.

If she doesn't want it to come between you then she should stop doing it because clearly it's already starting to cause problems. She's absolutely crossing a line, I wouldn't be happy about it if my DH was doing that and vice versa

Tell her she's playing with fire and she is being unfair to him and you.

This other guy has crossed boundaries and he needs shutting down.

She is being gullible if she can't accept this emotional affair territory. Tell her to read the book by Shirley Glass "NOT "just friends""

I’ve already told her that and the messages still continued yesterday

I can’t give up on this marriage and want to keep her, I know I can’t control her feelings

Is it as simple as giving her an ultimatum

I’m scared that will make her do something we both may regret

If I mention the subject she just doesn’t want to talk about it as far as she’s concerned it’s innocent and I’m insecure

But I feel with good reason

Do I confront her about the iPad missing or will she claim moral high ground because I spied on her

I’ve never in 21 years done that or felt the need to do that before

I’m trying to do this without alerting my kids to there bing any problem

Of course she doesn't want to talk about it because she knows she's wrong and of course you're going to start feeling insecure, who wouldn't in a situation like this? She's taking the piss out of you and I think you will have to give her some sort of ultimatum. You could show her this thread for a start

I think I may write her a letter expressing all my concerns and worries and that we need to have a grown up conversation where we are both honest about what we want and leave it for her to read

I did think about that

She has no moral high ground, you need to get that really firm in your own mind OP, she is heading into affair territory and both she and you know it so don't allow any attempts to deflect from that. The iPad is a minor detail and I wouldn't bother mentioning it, what she's done openly (hiding in plain sight) is enough for you to be giving her a stark choice, him or you.

She needs to realise in no uncertain terms that if she continues she will lose you, no more Mr (too) Nice Guy or she will lose any respect she has for you. Her behaviour would be completely unacceptable in the majority of marriages and, again, both you and she know it so stop allowing her to gaslight you into accepting it.

There is always the chance she will choose him but if she does you had already lost her anyway, you're just saving yourself weeks or months of doing the 'pick me' dance and helplessly watching it unfold. You don't have to be a passenger in this, take some control back and tell her it stops here or she leaves, and mean it.

Sounds like she's being totally selfish. Pretty much everyone will be attracted to another person during their marriage, whether that be physical or intellectual attraction. Not everyone carries on like your wife. She needs to learn some self-control and respect for your marriage.

Said she didn’t want it to come between us but for me it already has started to even though I’m trying to pretend to her it hasn’t

You need to stop pretending. Your wife's behaviour is totally out of line and she needs to know you're not going to sit idly by while she undermines your marriage. If the roles were reversed, she would not be so accommodating.

Unless you decide her behaviour is unacceptable (and for most people it would be) you have no power here.

She knows you can be pushed around and is happy to make you unhappy.

I am in a 23 year marriage so similar to you and I'm appalled at this. It sounds like you have pretty much declared that nothing will make you leave your marriage but what does that actually mean? That your boundaries are nonexistent? What she has done and continues to do would spell the end of a lot of relationships, including mine, and I have a strong marriage. You need to tell her clearly that this is out of order. I'll be honest it sounds almost abusive to me. She certainly has no empathy for you at the moment.

It sounds like you have pretty much declared that nothing will make you leave your marriage but what does that actually mean? That your boundaries are nonexistent?

I naively thought she had the same views as me on this and she says she’s thought how she would feel if the position was reversed

My only consolation is that she’s not met up with him out of work yet and i am certain no intimacy has happened

But I do need to be more forceful in my response rather than blaming my own insecurity and jealousy

I can’t think of any marriage where this would be acceptable. She’s continuing because you’re being too permissive.
You need some boundaries in place.

You say you've been very happily married -- what would your wife say?

Is she happy? Could this be a midlife crisis kind of thing, is she happy with how her life has turned out? Is she bored? Do you think she is as happy with you as you are with her?

I think you will get farther with her not by accusing her or being more forceful but rather saying you feel she could be sleepwalking into an emotional affair, and treating this like a wakeup call that maybe not everything is as happy as you think. Be willing to listen and change.

** You say you've been very happily married -- what would your wife say?

Is she happy? Could this be a midlife crisis kind of thing, is she happy with how her life has turned out? Is she bored? Do you think she is as happy with you as you are with her?**

I’ve had no reason to doubt this and believe I have questioned myself constantly about this I always try to be attentive and everything I do is for my family

I always ask if she’s happy and always had a positive response she said no one can break what we’ve got

I know she’s struggling with Lockdown and not going to see her usual friends, and shes sad that her current job doing COVID vaccines (which is where she met this guy) is coming to and end

Maybe it’s a combination of all of these and I’m blowing her relationship with this guy out of proportion

Like me posting here she maybe just needs someone else to talk to

The fact she has deleted posts, as well as told you that he crossed the line mean this " friendship" is never going to be good for your marriage. She may well need someone else to talk to but she shouldn't be talking to this man in the manner she has been. I think an honest talk about how you feel about this is in order. Your feelings are valid.

It's interesting what you say about the job ending? Does she work normally? Is she dreading going back to empty days?

It's interesting what you say about the job ending? Does she work normally? Is she dreading going back to empty days?

She’s been back working on the nurse bank for the last 4 years

We are in the fortunate position that she doesn’t need to work full time for financial reasons

Up until she started doing the vaccinations on a regular basis just after Christmas she usually worked one or 2 days a week to suit what she wanted to do

I reckon she is apprehensive about what’s happening next at work

One part of me really wants to believe nothing is going on but another says this situation is wrong

She's having more sex with you because his attention and her delight in it, and her interest in him, have fired up her sex drive. (I'm a woman, that's my take on it).

By confronting her again about my suspicions am I playing into her hands if nothing is going on

I’m then the bad person for doubting her and not being trusting

Really feel in a no win situation

If approach this again tonight and she denies it again it will make me feel even worse

She's having more sex with you because his attention and her delight in it, and her interest in him, have fired up her sex drive. (I'm a woman, that's my take on it)

I thought this also

And while I’d love to have more sex with her I don’t want it to be because of her delight in the attention of another man

I can see why you are trying to be understanding, not causing and argument and thus pushing her further in to this mans arms. However it seems she is adamant to see this man regardless of your feelings.

She is perhaps is trying to fool herself thinking there’s nothing to it but it won’t be long before she’s crossed the line. The colleagues intentions are clear here; she told you as much and after apparently making clear she’s happily married she is still in constant conversation with him. Actions speak louder than words in this instance and this man will not be put off by the fact that she is married.

You need to put your cards on the table here and make her aware of what is at stake if she doesn’t take your concerns seriously and that her current actions will not be tolerated.