Honest Thoughts and Opinions Needed

[DaddySaint]

Hello Everyone

I would appreciate your honest advice and opinions and I’m ready for any criticism that comes my way

This could be a long post so I apologise in advance if it rambles on a bit

I’m a 40 something man, been extremely happily married for 21 years and have a wonderful wife and 2 fantastic teenage daughters

However over the last few weeks I’ve noticed that my wife has become increasingly attached to a male work colleague. He doesn’t work in her department but their paths do cross at work on occasion

Over the past couple of weekends I’ve noticed an increase in the amount of Facebook messages they are sending to each other

2 weekends ago she was open with me and has told me some of the messages from him were a bit flirty but she’s told him (and me) she’s a happily married woman no problem

She said I could read the messages if I wanted to but admitted that some had been deleted and she’s put boundaries in place

I declined her offer, but I’ll admit I had already crossed a line myself and had a look before the messages had been deleted because of my suspicions and fears

During last week the messages continued to be sent all through the day and into the night, then last Saturday, she asked how I would feel about her meeting him alone for a walk

The guy is single and at least 10-15 years younger than us

I was devastated, but said it was her decision I can’t control her or what she wants to do but wasn’t happy about it to me that’s entering into a whole new relationship dynamic

Sunday morning we had the most fantastic sex which is unusual especially considering it was the 3rd time that week we’d made love, usually it’s once a month

Then later that morning she starts to get her make up on and when I ask why she says I told you I’m meeting him later

She never told me she was planning to go out only if I minded if she did, I reiterated my point a only being happy about it.

I knew they were messaging all day, I relented and told her to go but I got a call to take my brother to hospital as he’s extremely poorly with leukaemia (second time in a week that I got the call) so she didn’t go

I could see before I got that call she was really undecided on what to do

She says she loves me, no one can break what we have and nothing is going on

But the constant messages, keeping her phone with her and today taking her iPad to work (she never does that) are all red flags

I’m scared stiff of tackling this as I love her and am so scared of losing her and my kids

Am I over reacting

I asked how she would feel if roles were reversed and she says she does take that into consideration

I’ve never had any reason to doubt her before and I feel guilty and ashamed for thinking she’d do anything wrong

Do I just wait and see how things pan out, do I confront her again, I’m so confused

It’s the only thing I think about

I’ve no one I can talk to about it so reaching out for any advice

Thanks for reading all of this if you’ve got this far

Stop being so understanding and get angry with her! She's taking the piss and this 'friendship' is going waaaaaay past normal boundaries. It sounds like she 'needs' him in her life, it's a priority for her. If it was genuinely innocent then she would have cut all contact when you expressed your worries the first time. Right now you have given her the go-ahead effectively by not objecting more strongly, she feels completely comfortable carrying on.

This comes from someone who - many moons ago - had an intense, 3 yr affair during my marriage. Which I eventually left.

She’s still not understanding you and accepting your feelings are valid.
Many years ago, my husband became over-friendly with a female colleague, always kisses after messages and often flirty, she was messaging him every weekend too, when we were meant to be spending time together, even though I rarely saw him all week because of work commitments.
I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it and made my feelings very clear. He ended contact with her. If he chose not to, it would have made me question my marriage and it would have ultimately led to us separating.
Honesty and upfront is your best route. You’re coming across as quite permissive, which is clearly not working.

Sorry but she’s absolutely taking the piss. She’s trying to play a very risky game, continuing to explore this new connection right under your nose, while also I bet not doing anything overtly sexual so she can justify it. It’s already an emotional affair and she’s clearly not willing to end it. Continuing to message early in the morning and late at night means her first and last thoughts are with him and she’s reining it in to appease you in between.

Also the comment about him being a younger version of you is plain cruel, wtf? Not suggesting you start some sort of ragefit in her direction but where is your indignation?? Seems like it’s all about her - she needs someone, she’s upset you could doubt her etc.

Is your marriage normally all about her needs?

@SilverRoe it’s so unusual our marriage has not been all about her needs far from it. It’s usually everyone else before us.

Which we always recognised and and tried to put right.

It’s almost like she’s edging her bets at the moment, with him and can’t bring herself to admit it to me

I told her I wish she would just be honest but I keep getting the denials

I’m honestly fed up of being the only one that mentions the subject.

I can’t be the one who leaves or breaks up this family because of her actions

Sorry op but even if it's just platonic, it's crossed many lines already. She needs to ask herself why she needs him as a friend at all.

I say this as someone who had a "friendship" that turned into an abusive EA with a coworker when I was 27. My dh was initially okay with the friendship and trusted me even after I told him a line has been crossed. I would not want to be in that position and inflict the pain caused to anyone ever again.

There is literally no reason why a married person needs to see someone of the opposite sex from work on a one to one basis.

Hope it works out op.

@KitKatty55 I’m really pleased your husband saw sense

I’ve told her I’m unhappy about it, don’t like it and asked her outright if she’s got feelings for him

I’ve said I don’t want to be strung along and that she needs to be honest with me about everything and was she committed to the marriage

She knows I want her to stop but she hasn’t

It’s that small chance that I’m the one blowing it out of proportion that’s stopping me from saying it’s him or me

She’s always been respectful in the past which is why I’m being so understanding

I’ve always been one to avoid conflict wherever possible but so i either say no more and wait or just come straight out with it

I’m just scared of what the fall out will be from it either way

@Ruminating2020 thank you

To my knowledge she’s not sen him out of work yet so at least that line hasn’t been crossed

I keep going around I’m circles and my thoughts are all over the place

Do I leave, do ask her to leave, do I do nothing do I give her an ultimatum

I don’t really have anywhere I could go if I did leave and don’t want to be the dad who walked out on his kids, even if I was provoked into it

It’s so messed up

@Ruminating2020 when I asked why she needed him as a friend she said she’s always needed her friends to talk to, which is true she’s more sociable than me

But with Covid and her best friend moving abroad she has no one outside the family to talk to

In addition where they both work is closing in a few weeks and he’s moving to another job away from where w live, not sure if this has something to do with it all

I’ve suggested we could go and see someone together but didn’t get a response and she always shares her thoughts and feelings with me (still does) and we are still having healthy conversations

It’s just this one nagging issue like a bad penny that’s eating away at me

Maybe she now sees this as her chance for something ‘for herself’ but if that’s the case she’s using it to justify really unreasonable and damaging behaviour. Could you raise that with her? If she’s always put everyone else first - does that extend to you as well, or has she always put your marriage last after everyone else, too’ - she may well be kidding herself she can control this and she’s ‘due’ having whatever need this man is meeting met. But this is not the way to go about it.

@SilverRoe yes she’s always been 100% supportive of everything I’ve done

Any major decisions we’ve had we’ve always discussed and between us come to agreement we are both happy with

She’s never once neglected my thoughts and feelings until now

I have said I feel it’s damaging and if she needs some different company why not get back in touch with some of her older friends she’s lost touch with over the last few years but she seems reluctant to do this

@SilverRoe I thought our relationship was built on mutual respect for each other which is why I’m hurting about it

She admitted earlier she was being selfish because from her point of view nothing is going on and she doesn’t see why I should be worried about it

Emotional affair op 😢 she fancies him he fancies her . You need to nip this is the bud now this never ever ends well . Trust me I have been there

She's having more sex with you because his attention and her delight in it, and her interest in him, have fired up her sex drive. (I'm a woman, that's my take on it)

Very true !

[quote DaddySaint]@SilverRoe I thought our relationship was built on mutual respect for each other which is why I’m hurting about it

She admitted earlier she was being selfish because from her point of view nothing is going on and she doesn’t see why I should be worried about it[/quote]
I've been there. I also rationalized that I wasn't doing anything wrong as long as I wasn't crossing certain lines. The rationalizing is a sign of a guilty conscience.

I can empathise her wanting company if she doesn't have friends close by, but she really does need to stop the association as it is very unfair on everyone and she will regret it.

At the very least it is an emotional affair. Her friend has moved abroad doesn't mean she cannot speak to her daily via zoom etc.

Honestly the relationship is inappropriate not least because it is upsetting. She clearly knows that because you have explained it and she has not resolved it. I am unsure if an ultimatum is worthwhile given that you have spoken several times. In fact an ultimatum may well make things worse. It really is a case of asking where she sees this going because at present things just are not working.

Sorry for your situation it is awful and unless it is addressed by her then it is only going one way

She’s taking the absolute piss and you’re way too calm about this.

It isn’t a friendship when one party has already been inappropriate, it’s an emotional if not yet physical affair. She needs to stop the friendship and stop messaging completely.

Perhaps your passivity is what is, in the nicest possible way, making you a bit soft, and less exciting/attractive to her. This other mans pursuance is sexually attractive and flattering to her.

Might be a risk but I’d be laying down the law she can either fuck off with him or be with her husband and work to make things more exciting. Show her you give a shit, that you’ll fight for her. She’s so so out of line it’s untrue.

@SilverRoe @Ruminating2020

I’m tempted to email her a link to this thread and see what reaction come of it or would that be too antagonistic

@Sstrongtn She knows that I don’t want this to continue and she knows I want our marriage to work and I’m not prepared to let her leave without a fight

You nay be right about me being too nice it’s always been an issue for me

It is perfectly possible that she is committed to your marriage, but saying that ‘after 22 years I’m surprised you have to ask’ doesn’t hold much water with me. You can have your cake and want to eat it too without ever losing the comfort of living in the bakery.
When my husband was being distant and I knew something was wrong but couldn’t put my finger on it, I asked if all was well. I got a laugh of disbelief that I could ask that question and the reply: ‘after nearly 30 years I’m still here! Don’t be silly!’ It meant nothing. I found out months later that he was having an affair.
Your gut feelings are right. She may not be having an affair, granted, but she knows this relationship is bothering you, she knows how interested this guy is, and she knows that you know how interested this guy is. It’s going to drive you nuts. Your peace of mind will be in tatters if you allow this to continue. In the interests of maintaining your marriage, you are putting up with (not accepting. You clearly don’t accept this whatever you think you’ve decided) an arrangement which will steal your peace of mind and ultimately come to an ugly head one way or another. I have already been cheated on, so now I have zero tolerance for anything of this nature. Of course it’s perfectly reasonable to have friends of both sexes, but to exclude your partner from the friendship and private message every day, day and night, still excluding your partner, isn’t.
First thing in the morning and last thing at night? Really? First person she thinks about on waking or going to bed is him?
Sorry, you sound like a lovely man OP, who obviously loves his wife and is prepared to put up with a great deal to maintain the status quo. It looks like a power imbalance in the relationship and she needs to understand your point of view. She needs to see that very close relationships with members of the opposite sex which never include your partner, are not going to be compatible with an exclusive heterosexual relationship.
My husband knows and has met my male friends and we’ve socialised together. I like my male friends a lot, but don’t feel the need to message any of them daily first thing in the morning and last thing at night either. Don’t let this torture you. You’re always going to wonder how long the messages are and what they are talking about.
Trust your gut. She needs to knock this on the head.

@DaddySaint I don't think it's too drastic to show her this thread if she can't see things from your point of view.

If she sees this, she will see posters who have been in her situation who wish they had turned their backs on the "friendship" before it escalated, and yes, we thought we had the situation under control as well and assured our dh that they had nothing to worry about.

The vows includes "forsake all others" so she needs to give him up for the sake of her marriage.

Thank you @AaSaat

This is how I feel about it I ask she denies or doesn’t end the relationship with him

Their department closes in 3 weeks and they’ll never see each other again in a work scenario as he’s moving job to another hospital 40 miles away

Maybe I’ll ask that question about where does she see it going if she continues

“She admitted earlier she was being selfish because from her point of view nothing is going on and she doesn’t see why I should be worried about it.”

Just read this. Sorry @DaddySaint, this is a huge no-no. The outcome of a brief internal struggle and her attempt to justify it to herself whilst reassuring you to make sure you don’t make it stop.

‘I’m being selfish’ = I know this is wrong but dammit it’s fun and I want to keep on doing it.

‘Nothing is going on so I don’t see why you should be worried about it’ = I haven’t crossed any physical lines yet therefore I’m not cheating therefore I’m not doing anything wrong therefore you can stop worrying. Yeah, I’ve got a plate of cake but I’m just looking at it and I haven’t eaten any yet.

She shouldn’t even have the plate of cake, @Daddysaint.

@ferando81 victim blaming much?

@Thewookiemustgo

Thank you for your reply I only wish I could get her to see it that way