Honest Thoughts and Opinions Needed

[DaddySaint]

Hello Everyone

I would appreciate your honest advice and opinions and I’m ready for any criticism that comes my way

This could be a long post so I apologise in advance if it rambles on a bit

I’m a 40 something man, been extremely happily married for 21 years and have a wonderful wife and 2 fantastic teenage daughters

However over the last few weeks I’ve noticed that my wife has become increasingly attached to a male work colleague. He doesn’t work in her department but their paths do cross at work on occasion

Over the past couple of weekends I’ve noticed an increase in the amount of Facebook messages they are sending to each other

2 weekends ago she was open with me and has told me some of the messages from him were a bit flirty but she’s told him (and me) she’s a happily married woman no problem

She said I could read the messages if I wanted to but admitted that some had been deleted and she’s put boundaries in place

I declined her offer, but I’ll admit I had already crossed a line myself and had a look before the messages had been deleted because of my suspicions and fears

During last week the messages continued to be sent all through the day and into the night, then last Saturday, she asked how I would feel about her meeting him alone for a walk

The guy is single and at least 10-15 years younger than us

I was devastated, but said it was her decision I can’t control her or what she wants to do but wasn’t happy about it to me that’s entering into a whole new relationship dynamic

Sunday morning we had the most fantastic sex which is unusual especially considering it was the 3rd time that week we’d made love, usually it’s once a month

Then later that morning she starts to get her make up on and when I ask why she says I told you I’m meeting him later

She never told me she was planning to go out only if I minded if she did, I reiterated my point a only being happy about it.

I knew they were messaging all day, I relented and told her to go but I got a call to take my brother to hospital as he’s extremely poorly with leukaemia (second time in a week that I got the call) so she didn’t go

I could see before I got that call she was really undecided on what to do

She says she loves me, no one can break what we have and nothing is going on

But the constant messages, keeping her phone with her and today taking her iPad to work (she never does that) are all red flags

I’m scared stiff of tackling this as I love her and am so scared of losing her and my kids

Am I over reacting

I asked how she would feel if roles were reversed and she says she does take that into consideration

I’ve never had any reason to doubt her before and I feel guilty and ashamed for thinking she’d do anything wrong

Do I just wait and see how things pan out, do I confront her again, I’m so confused

It’s the only thing I think about

I’ve no one I can talk to about it so reaching out for any advice

Thanks for reading all of this if you’ve got this far

I'd tell her as there's nothing in it you'd love to meet up and go for a walk with them both so you can get to know him too.

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I'd tell her as there's nothing in it you'd love to meet up and go for a walk with them both so you can get to know him too.**

I offered that last week and she said we’d probably get along as he reminds her of a younger me

She didn’t agree to do it though

I think if your wife is who you think she is, albeit with a momentary lapse of judgement, then she will understand your feelings and change her behaviours to keep your relationship respectful. Asserting boundaries is not being controlling, communicating needs in a relationship is not being manipulative.

Your worry is that she isn't maybe who you think she is, which is going to lead to a lot of disappointment. But if you talk to her openly at least she has a chance to revert to the person you know and have trusted for over twenty years.

Thank you Rose

I hope you’re right I’m going to try and approach the subject tonight

I’m fully expecting denials and she will blame my insecurities but I’ve got to do something

Good luck with it, I hope it works out for you

This is why you need to really fix in your mind that her behaviour is completely unacceptable in a monogamous relationship. She has done a fairly good job of using smoke and mirrors to dress it up as innocent but your feelings are telling you otherwise and you shouldn't be ignoring them.

Any attempts to deny or deflect when you speak to her and you need to calmly reiterate the reasons this is not ok, the level of contact, her admission the messages were 'flirty', the deleted messages, wanting to meet him alone, changes in her behaviour. That's more than enough to justify your feelings and to highlight that her behaviour around this man is a threat to your marriage and as such she needs to cut contact, assuming she wants to stay married. Don't let her drag you off course, keep coming back to the main points and keep calm and she will have to face up to what she's doing. Good luck.

Thank you Weirdfan

I’m scared about giving her the ultimatum but I guess it has to be done no point dragging it out I guess

Thing is I’d never ever consider meeting up with a female friend without her or even suggest it

It was like she was seeking my approval on Sunday and was really torn over what to do

It would have been interesting to see what she’d have done had I not had to take my brother to hospital

Sorry to hear this OP, you seem really lovely. My Mum had affairs throughout her marriage to my Dad. She always told him after and he'd always forgive her and take her back. They were married for over 20 years and she finally left for good (not before stringing him along for 6 months with him thinking they'd get back together only for her to move in with a man she met from a newspaper singles ad). He was absolutely devastated. She went on to marry whereas my poor Dad has been alone since. She's being completely disrespectful to you, she's ignoring your feelings and walking all over you. If she's emotionally checked out of the relationship there's not much you can do so tip-toe-ing around her isn't going to make any difference.

We stayed with my Dad by the way in the house, she moved out.

She is already emotionally cheating on you. I know this sounds harsh but we say exactly the same to the many women who post pretty much the same on here in rather too regular intervals. It's pretty out of order for her to continue with the intense contact once boundaries have been eroded and flirting began. That's when she should have shut things down. Wanting to go for a walk with this guy alone is utterly shitty of her. And of course, she doesn't want you to come along, she wants him to lust all over her, at the very least.

I think you can still have that conversation minus the ultimatum if that's what you need to do. List your concerns, tell her how it's making you feel and ask her what she thinks she should do. It still lets her know she's putting your marriage at risk but without the hardline ultimatum.

Thank you Alicenwonderland

Really sorry to hear about your dad

I hope I’m not in that situation just yet, and this is just a warning that can be resolved

I agree with @Weirdfan. If I'm honest I don't know if an ultimatum it is necessary at this stage. Especially if doing so is anxiety inducing for you.

I'd lay out your thoughts, feelings and fears about the situation. If she continues as she has been knowing this, that is when an ultimatum may be necessary. But as this has been ongoing for a while maybe you are at that stage already?

I hope you get what you need from the conversation.

I have been the wife in this situation and whether she knows it yet or not she is checking out of her relationship with you.
The attention of someone new is a very powerful feeling and it is easy to have your head turned. If she wants to save your marriage she has to knock it on the head now or she may find herself in a place where it feels impossible.
I cannot stress enough how seriously you should be taking this and how frankly you need to assert your boundaries.

It doesn't really matter if there's "nothing going on" as you said it; if there isn't yet the potential is very clearly there and you ideally want to nip it in the bud before it ever gets to that stage. Much better to put your foot down hard, now.

Hope it goes well for you.

First of all I must thank every one of you who’ve read and commented on this post. It’s really helped me to release some of the emotions I’ve had especially since the weekend

I think I may actually get a decent nights sleep tonight

We sat down and spoke about things. I expressed all of my concerns about what this could lead to (I stopped short of the ultimatum for now) and didn’t make any accusations about her, but she now knows how unhappy I am about everything

She again said as far as she was concerned it was purely friendship and she told me she did shut down his flirty texts for which he apparently apologised the following day and nothing flirty has happened since

She seemed genuinely surprised when I pointed out he’s was obviously attracted to her especially considering the number of messages that have been going back and forth and she assured me she wasn’t interested in any romantic relationship with him. I again reinforced the point that maybe she does not feel that way now but how easy it could be for her to end up doing something she may regret, which was my greatest worry

It was all calm and civilised

What she did say is that with everything we’ve been through as a family over the last year (which has been a tough year and not just due to COVID) and with her best friend moving abroad she just needed someone other than me to talk to for her own well-being.

Before COVID she was always meeting her friends and involved in coffee mornings and the like when she wasn’t at work so I’m inclined to let this go for now but I did say why didn’t she get back in touch with some of her other friends

So after her promise to think about the effect her interaction with him is having on me and that she needs to think about how she’s going to deal with it we wait to see how things pan out over the next few weeks/days

She did also acknowledge that she needed to do something as she didn’t want her friendship with him to upset me and affect our marriage

So I’m now fully prepared for her to make her decisions on how she wants to proceed and if she decides to continue to see him I’ll give her the ultimatum

I think I can say I’ve been more than understanding and given her every opportunity to change her behaviour for the sake of our marriage

If I’ve driven it underground/ behind my back she’ll eventually slip up and I’ll catch her out

One small thing the messages she’s sent to him have been none existent while we’ve been together tonight so I’m hoping that’s a sign of things to come

Morning everyone

Just a little morning update

I did manage to have a decent nights sleep and I feel like a weight has been lifted

There was no messaging this morning and her behaviour was completely normal, like how it used to be

I’m happy the ball is now firmly in her court feel free of any guilt or anger and I can function normally at work today

Its a waiting game now but I’m not going to dwell on it continually

Thanks again for all the comments and advice

I think that sounds like a really good conversation and you have said what you needed to say. I've been thinking about this situation and while your wife may see it as innocent based on her interactions with him, it is short sighted to ignore the obvious feelings/attraction this man has for your wife. The increase in sex drive (I feel) is due to your wife remembering she's more than a wife and mother, and less to do with any ideas to cheat on you but the fact remains that these feelings are what starts many affairs,. You have been right to have the conversation and you are right to let it go now and see what happens.

My husband is friendly with a woman at his work. If any flirtation/deleted texts etc happened then I doubt that I would handle it as calmly as you have, so fair play to you.

Really positive updates OP, hope things continue to improve for you.

Thank you Rose

I think she now understands why I’m worried and I also understand the pressures she’s been under with everything that’s been going on and I’m aware that there are a few things that I am going to do to try and be more aware of her feelings

We both admitted that we need more alone time together and it’s made me realise that I need to pay her some more attention

I hope it works out for you, all I can say is respect to you for being patient. Me in your shoes I would've confronted him.

Thank you weirdfan I hope so too

@Marineboy67

Let’s hope I don’t have to now.....

For his sake 😝

Morning everyone hope you are looking forward to your weekend as much as possible in these crazy times

Just to give you an update on what’s been going on for the second half of the week

I attempted to resurrect the conversation again yesterday and this morning

Both times I’ve been told the same as before that it’s innocent and I’ve no need to worry

This morning though I asked outright if she was committed to our marriage

Her response was after 22 years I can’t believe you’ve had to ask but yes she was committed and we were solid

I could see she was taken aback and a little upset (maybe now she knows how I’ve been feeling)

I said it was because of her behaviour I had to ask, that question and if she wasn’t committed don’t string me along

I told her that for my part the subject is now closed as it’s driving me mad. I want to believe her and for my sanity I’m going to carry on as normal but I’m starting to mentally prepare myself for all scenarios so if the worst should happen I’ve got a bit of a head start

She’s still messaging him BTW just not as often through the day but still early morning and last thing at night