Honest Thoughts and Opinions Needed

[DaddySaint]

Hello Everyone

I would appreciate your honest advice and opinions and I’m ready for any criticism that comes my way

This could be a long post so I apologise in advance if it rambles on a bit

I’m a 40 something man, been extremely happily married for 21 years and have a wonderful wife and 2 fantastic teenage daughters

However over the last few weeks I’ve noticed that my wife has become increasingly attached to a male work colleague. He doesn’t work in her department but their paths do cross at work on occasion

Over the past couple of weekends I’ve noticed an increase in the amount of Facebook messages they are sending to each other

2 weekends ago she was open with me and has told me some of the messages from him were a bit flirty but she’s told him (and me) she’s a happily married woman no problem

She said I could read the messages if I wanted to but admitted that some had been deleted and she’s put boundaries in place

I declined her offer, but I’ll admit I had already crossed a line myself and had a look before the messages had been deleted because of my suspicions and fears

During last week the messages continued to be sent all through the day and into the night, then last Saturday, she asked how I would feel about her meeting him alone for a walk

The guy is single and at least 10-15 years younger than us

I was devastated, but said it was her decision I can’t control her or what she wants to do but wasn’t happy about it to me that’s entering into a whole new relationship dynamic

Sunday morning we had the most fantastic sex which is unusual especially considering it was the 3rd time that week we’d made love, usually it’s once a month

Then later that morning she starts to get her make up on and when I ask why she says I told you I’m meeting him later

She never told me she was planning to go out only if I minded if she did, I reiterated my point a only being happy about it.

I knew they were messaging all day, I relented and told her to go but I got a call to take my brother to hospital as he’s extremely poorly with leukaemia (second time in a week that I got the call) so she didn’t go

I could see before I got that call she was really undecided on what to do

She says she loves me, no one can break what we have and nothing is going on

But the constant messages, keeping her phone with her and today taking her iPad to work (she never does that) are all red flags

I’m scared stiff of tackling this as I love her and am so scared of losing her and my kids

Am I over reacting

I asked how she would feel if roles were reversed and she says she does take that into consideration

I’ve never had any reason to doubt her before and I feel guilty and ashamed for thinking she’d do anything wrong

Do I just wait and see how things pan out, do I confront her again, I’m so confused

It’s the only thing I think about

I’ve no one I can talk to about it so reaching out for any advice

Thanks for reading all of this if you’ve got this far

I’m not Buddha @Daddysaint but there aren’t really other ways of looking at this. If it bothers you, it bothers you, whether it’s innocent (hmmm) or not. Give it another go. It’ll drive you crazy if it’s not sorted. I’d be a wreck trying not to wonder. Maybe you can cope with a ‘wait and see’ dynamic. Speaking only personally, not speaking for everyone, I just can’t.

@Thewookiemustgo

I can’t cope with the wait and see approach either if I’m honest

Problems need to be resolved as quickly a possible or they only get worse

[quote DaddySaint]@Thewookiemustgo

I can’t cope with the wait and see approach either if I’m honest

Problems need to be resolved as quickly a possible or they only get worse[/quote]
Go with that OP.

She might resent you from making her stop contact with him, but she needs to see the harm it is doing already.

She is enjoying the attention but she is making a fool of herself.

I agree 'wait and see' can be mental strain if not torture.

Be careful OP. I was also in your wife's position many years ago when I was naive and much younger. The person was a strong personality, very confident, very seductive...it was like a spell. My H was not but let a situation continue as we talked about me having more freedom and neither of us thought our marriage could ever be in trouble. H was agreeable and understanding. For my part I was being flattered and was being promised the world.

I think I really wanted a fresh experience/outlook on life as I was at a crossroads. I had wanted my H to be strong and fight for the marriage and us, and sent the 3rd party packing...I might have woken up. [I think subconsciously I was testing him, pretty stupid and childish I know]. But had he done so things may not have escalated. I made a poor decision and one I regret it to this day.

Good luck OP. It's hard to know the best ways to deal with such situations, but the advice on here is spot on.

Totally agree with @Sstrongtn

You are driving yourself bonkers over this.

Several lines have been crossed. A man or woman constantly texting noon and night would drive most partners to give an ultimatum at the very least.

If she’s going totally out of character giving you a lot more sex, it’s very likely guilt sex because she’s probably or possibly giving it to him, too. His intense investment in your wife is obviously giving him some ‘ dividends.

Sorry, but you are being a complete sap !!!! You are giving her far too much leeway and she knows it.

Man up.

Tell her she can meet him for walks or anything else she’d like to do with him, but pack a suit case first, and take it with her, and leave the door keys while she’s at it....

@ferando81 or the Op is trying to save a 20 year marriage without using a sledgehammer?
Great to make someone feel even worse when they ask for advice. 🙄 Or you’re just dropping grenades into this thread and opening your popcorn. ‘Doormat’. 🙄 Good grief.

I once told my DH I was uncomfortable with the relationship he had with a female colleague. I know he had no feelings for her and nothing my had happened. He pulled right back from her because he knew it upset me. That is normal behaviour.

@Hadalifeonce

I once told my DH I was uncomfortable with the relationship he had with a female colleague. I know he had no feelings for her and nothing my had happened. He pulled right back from her because he knew it upset me. That is normal behaviour.

I'd agree with this. If you know something is making your partner feel uncomfortable then the natural response is to knock it on the head, not escelate it.

You need to seat and talk about this situation, I think she is going to far and let her know that this guy is not her friend because he knows she is married, as an opossite sex he should avoid being intimate with her if he is not doing this is because he wants to distroy her marriage. If she really loves you she have to respect you

Could I ask that this thread be removed please

You can report one of your posts and explain that you wish for it to be removed.

I hope it all works out op.

My mum was very happily married for 64 years - she once told me that just getting married doesn’t mean you never find someone attractive again, but you don’t do anything about it - you don’t take those steps to see how it might go, in some cases you take active steps to stop it going anywhere- because your marriage and husband are more important.
It’s always nice to feel attractive and often it’s a bit of a connection with someone that does that - I feel your wife is flattered maybe, looking to perk herself up maybe, just a bit of excitement outside the very dull norm of the last year. She’s getting a bit carried away though and - to my mind - probably should have stopped this earlier. You know your wife best but I think there’s time for you to choose how to move forwards to reattract her, stop this progressing.
Your feelings are always valid though, don’t dismiss them yourself and don’t let her dismiss them - work them out together.

Thanks everyone this has now run it’s course and I’ve shown my wife the thread,, it’s for us to work through now together and we’d both feel more comfortable if it was deleted

I haven’t posted in months but having read this thread I logged in .I made my harsh comments because I thought his wife was behaving disgracefully and because his fear of losing her was blinding him to her truly atrocious behaviour.
Sledgehammers exist because sometimes they are needed ,metaphorically of course.I hope reading this thread will wake her up ,in fact it would be very interesting for her to comment and give her side of the story

@DaddySaint - Threads aren’t deleted on Mumsnet, unless there’s cause for concern.

@DaddySaint Try reporting one of your posts and request for the thread to be deleted.

Aye I bet she wants it deleted. Not nice being shown your own twattish behaviour in black and white, must be very uncomfortable.

Good luck @DaddySaint I suspect you are going to need it

There is always the chance she will choose him but if she does you had already lost her anyway, you're just saving yourself weeks or months of doing the 'pick me' dance and helplessly watching it unfold. You don't have to be a passenger in this, take some control back and tell her it stops here or she leaves, and mean it.

@Weirdfan has this spot on, a couple of pages back.

I was in this situation. It was like being in a car crash in slow motion, just waiting to go through the windscreen. And, I hindsight, there was nothing I could have done. I did use that sledgehammer eventually. It worked for all of three weeks before my ex decided to drive the EA underground instead and, when discovered, accuse my boundary-setting of being controlling behaviour and said controlling behaviour being the reason she had gaslit me.

If I trusted her, I was too permissive and she took the piss. If I set boundaries she carried on anyway and, if discovered, blamed me for her lapse. At some point you have to realise that you can't live happily in a relationship where your the one continuously sticking fingers in a dam that's determined to crumble. That healthy relationships are about reciprocity, not one of you being the "parent" stopping the "kid" from being naughty.

You can't control her actions. You can only control you. You can - and have - tell her you find her actions hurtful. You can tell her if they continue you, you won't put up with it. That you deserve better. If you're like I was, you're fearing she may reply "fine then, see ya!" and then get together with this guy. But if she does, she doesn't love you. Because this is the absolutely most important thing:

People who care about each other, who are in healthy relationships, take action to change their behaviour when they see its hurting someone they love.

They don't deflect the blame back on their partner. They don't say "I'll think about it" and never get round to it. They don't say you mean the world to them whilst their actions say the absolute opposite (words are cheap).

I truly hope she comes round. But, truth be told, this is rooted more in who she is as a person. As others have said, we all fancy other people. We all get tested at some point. But its how we respond that reveals the truth of us. You can't control that. But you can control how you react to it. Brace yourself for her being willing to bulldoze down your marriage. But, if she does, its not a marriage that's worth keeping and she's not a partner worthy of your love.

And if you've not already done so visit www.chumplady.com. The site was an absolute lifesaver full of excellent advice.

@PonderVision - Some really good advice there. Did things work out for you and your partner in the end?

Hi op, it seems to me that you are afraid of having a real frank conversation about your feelings out of fear of what might happen, but the fear is going to eat you up anyway.

Personally, I feel her behaviour is selfish and despicable. She knows the effect this is having on you but her need for validation and thrill that a younger man fancies her trumps everything.

In your shoes I'd be very hurt. I really am shocked at how blatant she is. Telling you about him doesn't make it ok. She is actively leading him on no matter how much she denies it and says it's all platonic. What does she think a young man that openly flirts with her and suggests walks wants from a married woman? She knows and she is enjoying it.