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Original poster

The man child: can they change?

83 replies

bemorejackieweaver · 07/03/2021 22:12

Just that really. Has anyone ever seen a man child (like a married one in his forties with kids) change into an actual adult man? If you have seen it, how did it happen?

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 08/03/2021 09:48

I assume you’re not married which is good as you can chuck him out easier and don’t need his money.

Seriously how long has he been like that? Has he ever worked full-time? Being a single mum would be easier.

Original poster
bemorejackieweaver · 08/03/2021 09:55

We aren't married no and he owns 10% of the house.

He has been like this for 20 years.

I definitely don't need the money, because he doesn't contribute any!

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 08/03/2021 09:57

No he’s not a man child. That’s frankly unfair to children. He’s a useless waste of oxygen by the sounds of it.

gannett · 08/03/2021 09:57

What on earth do you get out of the relationship OP?

Original poster
bemorejackieweaver · 08/03/2021 09:59

I used to think I get stability and that he is always there for me. He is loyal. But actually I provide the stability and day to day he isn't there for me at all. He is there for himself.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/03/2021 10:16

You've given him a free pass to treat you and in turn your children like this. The question you're also going to have to ask of yourself is why you've allowed him to do that to you.

As for him being loyal as a plus point, well dogs are loyal.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example were you shown?.

Would you want your children as adults to be treated like this in their relationships?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 08/03/2021 10:22

Might work out better for you to free up the 3rd floor for an au pair. Good news that you're not married as you wont have to keep supporting him after he leaves.

pinkyredrose · 08/03/2021 10:29

Get rid. Can you afford to buy him out of the house?

pinkyredrose · 08/03/2021 10:30

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Is that phrased tattooed on the inside of your eyelids AttilaTheMeerkat?

icdtap · 08/03/2021 11:00

No they can't change.
But this one sounds like more of a cocklodger than just a manchild.

Dacquoise · 08/03/2021 12:05

He probably won't change after all this time and why would he when he only has to work one day a week?

Your problem is more how are you going to change this situation? Are you able to raise 10% of the house value to buy him out?

And will he go which I would guess probably not when this set up suits him?

There is no easy way to sort this out. It's going to get messy and emotional and perhaps you need to get some support to make this happen which sounds like what you want to do. You are fortunate in that you aren't married regarding assets and the house but you may need advice if he claims parenting responsibility for the children be it only one day a week.

Dacquoise · 08/03/2021 12:06

But you can do this. It is possible if you are determined enough.

Tankflybosswalkjam · 08/03/2021 12:08

They don’t change. They can occasionally pull up their big boy trousers and act like an adult in public but inside they’re still a giant toddler, minutes away from a piss-your-pants style tantrum.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 08/03/2021 12:11

He does one day of childcare and complains about it. He works one day a week and contributes nothing financially. That is all you need to look at. The rest of the list is moot. This is ridiculous. And no, he won’t change. Not for you anyway.

Original poster
bemorejackieweaver · 08/03/2021 12:24

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

Might work out better for you to free up the 3rd floor for an au pair. Good news that you're not married as you wont have to keep supporting him after he leaves.
Ha! Nice idea. I could indeed do that.
OP posts:
Original poster
bemorejackieweaver · 08/03/2021 12:35

I can buy him out no problem yes. I have plenty of support.

It will be emotional and maybe messy. But that's life, it can be difficult. I will be sad but I can cope. He will have to. I need to see the temporary fear and sadness as an investment in a better life.

I have paid off the mortgage and we have a tenants in common agreement. He owns 10%. I need to find a copy of the agreement. I have checked the deeds to the house and the agreement is noted as a restriction but it doesn't state the percentage.

He won't want to go but he will have to.

I need to deal with my fears about being lonely and hurting the kids which aren't accurate because a) the kids will be better off if I am content and not constantly resentful and b) I won't be lonely because I'll make sure I'm not. Oh, and also I'm quite hot and on top of my game as it were, so if I wanted to find a new partner in the future, I'm sure I could.

To add to my original list of horrors, we don't have sex. Of course we don't! No one wants to have sex with a man-child/cocklodger.

What other kind of support might I need? I want us to remain on good terms and co-parent.

OP posts:
Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 08/03/2021 12:37

Sounds like my exH, except he worked no days, did no laundry and developed a drug habit. No he didn’t change, left him a year ago and he’s still a twat.

Justtryingtobehelpful · 08/03/2021 12:40

Sounds like you're in a great position. Do it! I know a friend who has moved on. Same thing, woman with the good job running the show and paying for it all. She's much happier.
Seems like you've moved on in your head already. ..

Original poster
bemorejackieweaver · 08/03/2021 12:41

@Tankflybosswalkjam

They don’t change. They can occasionally pull up their big boy trousers and act like an adult in public but inside they’re still a giant toddler, minutes away from a piss-your-pants style tantrum.
This really made me laugh. It is EXACTLY it. People think my OH is an eccentric and unique, which he is. But that's because he is enabled to be so. I have enabled him to be so.
OP posts:
Original poster
bemorejackieweaver · 08/03/2021 12:42

@Iamuhtredsonofuhtred

Sounds like my exH, except he worked no days, did no laundry and developed a drug habit. No he didn’t change, left him a year ago and he’s still a twat.
Jesus, I'm sorry, he sounds really bad. Was he good in bed??
OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 08/03/2021 12:46

This really made me laugh. It is EXACTLY it. People think my OH is an eccentric and unique, which he is. But that's because he is enabled to be so. I have enabled him to be so.

It’s easy to be eccentric and unique when someone else is doing all the adulting for you!

My poor SIL is in the process of separating from her cocklodging husband. I’ve mostly kept my tongue but he’s a weapons grade twat.
Honestly how the fuck did men end up in so many positions of power?

Original poster
bemorejackieweaver · 08/03/2021 12:47

Also, and oh god this embarrassing, I give him £250 a month and he gets all the child benefit (to get his national insurance contributions). He uses that money to pay for top-up shops etc.

When we had our first baby, he was a SAHD for 4 days a week. But now they are both at school/nursery, it's different. That's why I gave him the money so he could pay for stuff when he was out with the baby.

As well as working one day a week, he does some other ad hoc consultancy work but I don't see any of that money. I do however see a lot of Amazon parcels arrive...

OP posts:
Original poster
bemorejackieweaver · 08/03/2021 12:51

@Sexnotgender

This really made me laugh. It is EXACTLY it. People think my OH is an eccentric and unique, which he is. But that's because he is enabled to be so. I have enabled him to be so.

It’s easy to be eccentric and unique when someone else is doing all the adulting for you!

My poor SIL is in the process of separating from her cocklodging husband. I’ve mostly kept my tongue but he’s a weapons grade twat.
Honestly how the fuck did men end up in so many positions of power?

Exactly. It's my turn to be eccentric and unique, which I kind of am anyway. But imagine what I could achieve/do without the burden of a man child! It's exciting.

Sorry to hear about the weapons grade twat.

Good question. It's shocking. The older I get and the more I read MN, the more I see.

OP posts:
Willgetbetter · 08/03/2021 12:53

You could always leave him and see if he gets his shit together. He doesn’t sound very appealing though... Can you afford to buy him out of your house?

Original poster
bemorejackieweaver · 08/03/2021 12:59

@Willgetbetter

Yes, I can afford to buy him out. I might ask him to move out for 6 months or a year to get his shit together.

OP posts:
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