Dating is fucking brutal

[PreciousOcean]

I'd love to meet someone. I have been on so many dates. Many I have decided weren't for me. Every single time I've felt like it's right and that I like someone and can see it going somewhere they call it off. It's so bloody disheartening. I'm not a needy person, I don't pester them, I have my own hobbies and life. I'm a really normal person. I just don't seem to be relationship material. I've been single two years now and feel like giving up. Lonely. Sad. Anyone else relate?

Yep! Stay well away!

I think if you're lonely and sad, you need to use a bit of energy in making yourself happy alone, otherwise you end up placing too much importance on the dates, and the rejections hurt more than they should.

Be relationship material for yourself. Do lovely things for yourself. All the lovely things you'd want from a partner. Demonstrate that alone, you can put yourself in a position to want for nothing.

Then date, and laugh off the rejections, because you don't need a partner unless they appreciate you as much as you do.

You say 2 years as if it's a long time lol.

@Eckhart

I think if you're lonely and sad, you need to use a bit of energy in making yourself happy alone, otherwise you end up placing too much importance on the dates, and the rejections hurt more than they should.

Be relationship material for yourself. Do lovely things for yourself. All the lovely things you'd want from a partner. Demonstrate that alone, you can put yourself in a position to want for nothing.

Then date, and laugh off the rejections, because you don't need a partner unless they appreciate you as much as you do.

I am pretty happy alone and have been alone (with my son) for over two years. I feel ready for a relationship now but am struggling with so much rejection. I think that would make even the most secure of people feel a bit shit..

@Wanderlusto

You say 2 years as if it's a long time lol.

It's not that long I just put it in to give some context

Honestly @PreciousOcean I think it's just luck. I met my now dp (together 3 years) on tinder.

He's kind, funny, intelligent, my best friend and everything I need in a partner.

I have been in abusive relationships and had an abusive childhood so I know how hard it is to find a genuine person who wants the same, but they are out there.

I was just about to come on and make a similar post.

Second time this year I've been "dropped" completely unexpectedly.

My self-esteem is actually pretty high. I know I have a lot to offer. It's just draining that I need to go back and start all over again flicking through the piles of dross and the pointless boring conversations/ questions.

But I want a relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️.

@trindi

I was just about to come on and make a similar post.

Second time this year I've been "dropped" completely unexpectedly.

My self-esteem is actually pretty high. I know I have a lot to offer. It's just draining that I need to go back and start all over again flicking through the piles of dross and the pointless boring conversations/ questions.

But I want a relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Exactly how I feel. It's the way people just ghost you. I think lockdown has made it worse.

I think that would make even the most secure of people feel a bit shit

I agree. People don't post on forums calling minor issues 'fucking brutal', though. That suggests you are being more hurt than is good for you by your dating situation. And that suggests that you are putting dating above your own wellbeing on your priority list.

In short, if it keeps hurting you, stop doing it. Whatever it is. You can always start again next week/month/year, when you've built up your reserves again by being lovely to yourself.

@Eckhart

I think that would make even the most secure of people feel a bit shit

I agree. People don't post on forums calling minor issues 'fucking brutal', though. That suggests you are being more hurt than is good for you by your dating situation. And that suggests that you are putting dating above your own wellbeing on your priority list.

In short, if it keeps hurting you, stop doing it. Whatever it is. You can always start again next week/month/year, when you've built up your reserves again by being lovely to yourself.

But being ghosted multiple times is fucking brutal...

Yes I can relate.

I dated so many men. So so many men. Then I found a good one. I know it's rough. But it's worth it.

It shouldn't be, unless you're talking about people you've spent time building strong bonds with. That's exactly what I'm saying. Your perception of how important these people are in your life is skewed. You are giving them too much agency over your mood.

I think it's easy to say "you're giving people too much" etc but when things are going well, there are no red flags, the person seems keen... why would you not enjoy it? Why wouldn't you be interested and begin to think that maybe you'd found someone?

And then when you get dropped / ghosted etc... it's like a double edged sword because A) it hurts and B) if you want that "enjoyment" you know you need to go back to the start.

So it's not only brutal it's draining.

I'm not really sure how to verbalise my feelings on this, so I'm sorry if I offend anyone or don't get it quite right, but sometimes it seems to me like MN is full of all these really well adjusted posters who have no issues whatsoever and just this absolute concrete belief that there are SO many men out there all dying to be with you. And if they don't think that, then they're the type who'd be happy to remain single for 20+ years until one comes along.

In the real world I think things are a lot more nuanced than some posters on here like to make out. Maybe it's just me (I have a fuck tonne of daddy issues and adhd meaning poor emotional regulation so what do I know!). But regardless of those issues I try my hardest not to let my guard down, to look out for red flags, not to pander to men and give too many chances etc.

It's just fucking brutal when you don't want to be single anymore.

@trindi

I think it's easy to say "you're giving people too much" etc but when things are going well, there are no red flags, the person seems keen... why would you not enjoy it? Why wouldn't you be interested and begin to think that maybe you'd found someone?

And then when you get dropped / ghosted etc... it's like a double edged sword because A) it hurts and B) if you want that "enjoyment" you know you need to go back to the start.

So it's not only brutal it's draining.

I'm not really sure how to verbalise my feelings on this, so I'm sorry if I offend anyone or don't get it quite right, but sometimes it seems to me like MN is full of all these really well adjusted posters who have no issues whatsoever and just this absolute concrete belief that there are SO many men out there all dying to be with you. And if they don't think that, then they're the type who'd be happy to remain single for 20+ years until one comes along.

In the real world I think things are a lot more nuanced than some posters on here like to make out. Maybe it's just me (I have a fuck tonne of daddy issues and adhd meaning poor emotional regulation so what do I know!). But regardless of those issues I try my hardest not to let my guard down, to look out for red flags, not to pander to men and give too many chances etc.

It's just fucking brutal when you don't want to be single anymore.

Yes, this exactly. I don't think I could've said this better myself.

I've been ghosted more than once myself. I've learned how to deal with it. That's why OP is asking for advice, and I'm giving it, rather than her knowing how to deal with it, and giving me advice.

just this absolute concrete belief that there are SO many men out there all dying to be with you. And if they don't think that, then they're the type who'd be happy to remain single for 20+ years until one comes along

Nobody on the thread has said anything remotely like this.

That was my experience too. I realised it's because it's a situation that suits men. I was in my 40s so a lot of men were happy to kill tim with me til they met a younger version of me. 90% of them were still there when i got sense and bailed on internet dating. Much happier now. Would never put myself through it again.

I complete sympathise! Dating is brutal and I forgot how many times I got ghosted in the middle of a conversation! The one thing I did learn was to stop blaming myself for why it happened and to grow a thick skin!
I had some horrendous dates, ones that made me give up hope. But I did meet someone after 18 months, it all felt ‘different’ with him, I wasn’t settling with him or trying to make him fit into what I wanted.
Just keep going OP, filter through the rubbish ones and don’t compromise!

@Wanderlusto

You say 2 years as if it's a long time lol.

I know! Nearly 14 years for me. A few mcrelationships along the way but either i had to end it or i thought it was going well and they ended it. Also been ghosted!

Wanderlusto Ha! I agree, 2 years is nothing, I’ve been single more than double that time. 2 years is literally nothing I’m always at people constantly jumping into new relationships

@Happycat1212

Wanderlusto Ha! I agree, 2 years is nothing, I’ve been single more than double that time. 2 years is literally nothing I’m always at people constantly jumping into new relationships

I never said that two years was an incredibly long time. I literally just stated that I have been single for two years. I'm hardly jumping in to another relationship. I feel like lots of people on mn live in an alternate universe. If I was single for 14 years my chance of having any children after that would be nil as I'm in my 30s.

@Happycat1212

Wanderlusto Ha! I agree, 2 years is nothing, I’ve been single more than double that time. 2 years is literally nothing I’m always at people constantly jumping into new relationships

OFGS give the woman a break . You don't know her age , life situation and 2 years is NOT jumping into a new relationship !

It’s more that you said you don’t feel like relationship material but it’s only been 2 years, so you’ve obviously had relationships not like you never have or have been single for decades

Ah right, yes if you have no dc i see why it's part of your plan and it is pro-active to keep going.

Take breaks out to recharge your mojo. When this covid stuff eases go on a holiday on your own to recharge you because it is a draining existance.

Lots of people on MN (and in real life) do live in an alternate universe to you; they've learned how to deal with rejection without it feeling brutal to them.

Do you always think that people who have different experiences/responses to life than you are 'living in an alternative universe'? Your responses to anybody who doesn't have the exact same opinion as you are very defensive.

Suggesting that you learn to deal with rejection better is a suggestion about how you can help yourself feel better, not an attack.

@Happycat1212

It’s more that you said you don’t feel like relationship material but it’s only been 2 years, so you’ve obviously had relationships not like you never have or have been single for decades

When people disappear off the face of the earth and completely ghost you, after talking for weeks, it does make you question yourself. That's normal is it not? Or are most people totally cool with this?